The Pain Is Overwhelming

[MartyT]

I just did a Google search for "the little orange boy" and the story came up on this site, http://www.oznvoo.com/orangeboy.html. The author is identified as ©Anne Kolaczyk, February 5, 1998

[bees]

Dear Elizabeth, I just had a chance to read the lovely story you shared with all of us. I really love it, it made me very sad, but it is so true. It is better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all. I know that this saying was not meant for a realationship between a furry friend and a human, however that is the way I am looking at my bond between my Nemo and me. I cherrish the time that I was allowed to have with him, and even though the pain I feel now, after losing him, is so unbearable, I would choose having those years with him and the added pain , than never been able to feel that kind of love. I understand that being by yourself is even harder when you are sad and you need a shoulder to cry on, however having a partner with you that doesn t understand how you can "still" be griefing after four and a half weeks, make things even worse.I have to hide my tears and put on a brave face most of the time, because my family who loved Nemo, is getting over his death a lot easier than me. I am trying so hard to be strong and I am doing a bit better then I did days ago, however I still cry out of the blue, I think about Nemo all the time and I still question why he had to go and if I did something to cause his death. My husband understands my tears but I can tell that he is ready to move on and he doesnt really understand why I cant just accept the loss and live life the way I did before. I cant really tell him, that things will never be like they used to be, that I will never be able to look at life the same way again, that something was taken from me and that that void can never be filled again. I have my husband and my daughter here and that is helpful because they keep me distacted and occupied, but i cant be myself, I am putting on a show, so they wont be worried. I do have to explain, that I was very sick some years ago. I suffered a stroke at the age of 34, out of the blue and because it was such a scary experience, I started to get some serious anxiety attacks afterwards. Anything would scare me into believing that I was having some serious health problems. Life as I knew it had changed totally for me. I had to learn to live again without fear. To help myself to find joy again. I took in this crazy kitty ,while my husband was off to war and my panic disorder started to get a little better. That was the best thing that I could have ever hoped for. It was seven years ago and of course I am talking about my Nemo. He helped me through every anxiety attack and whenever I felt like I was going "crazy" again, I picked him up and life made sense again.Through those years it was hard to explain to my family how my mind could be playing tricks with me and I could believe it, and it always felt like I had to proof to them that I was ok and now with the one thing that I could show all my fears to gone, I again feel like I have to show my family that I will get thourgh this and that I will be just fine. I dont want to worry them and so I pretend and even though I know that one day I will be able to live with this pain in a better way, I cant really say that having a partner shaing your life with you, does make it easier. I have to learn to handle this sad time byself, because when it comes down to it, I need to be able to count on myself alone and nobody else. By trying to be as positve as possible and being proud of the steps forward, that I have made, I know that I will get to a point where I can smile again and where life will make sense again. I have my bad moments, but I have learned that I can make it through some very though times and that I did survive those times in my life and I will make it through this trying time too. I celebrate every little accomplishment and on those I keep on buiding my "new" life. I know there will be set backs, but I will pick myself up and start again, with my gained strenght from the last downfall. I dont care for mothersday too much, I never have. I believe that you should show your love for the important people in your life all year around, however as mothers day is always on a sunday, I will have a very hard time, ever being able to see that day as anything but a sad day in my life. I dont know if I can help anybody with sharing my crazy life, but I hope to let anybody reading this know, that there is always hope, I have been through hell while I was sick and I never though that I would ever live a "normal" life again and I did. I lost one of the most improtant things in my life, but I know that I cant give up, and that I need to go on, because giving up wouldnt be fair to anyone that has tried to make my life special, including my Baby Nemo.

[Elizabeth149]

Hi Elizabeth - that story had me crying rivers. I've actually seen it before but I think it was before Chela died. It's a beautiful story. I wonder sometimes if they can see us and the grief we're going through and what they think about it really. I know they wouldn't want us to be sad but I wonder if they understand why now that they're on the other side. Or maybe the veil between this life and the next is so thin they don't understand why we're so sad when they're right here with us. I guess we won't know in this life. How are you doing today? I'm pretty much just counting the hours before I can take my medication and go to sleep. I actually fell asleep on the couch this afternoon for about 15 minutes - I woke up with my heart racing but not in a complete panic - so maybe some day I will actually be able to nap without waking up panicked. I've tried not to let it be a sad day but the tears still come. That's Ok though because maybe the tears do have some healing power to them. I don't usually feel better after crying but it seems to help relieve some of the anxiety. I looked at that website where you bought those flags. The ones I really liked are out of stock. I thought maybe it'd have more theraputic value if I made some myself but my sewing machine is messed up and I think it'd only cause me more frustration. Still, it's an idea. When I took my foster dog for a walk today I thought about how I haven't had an official memorial for Casper yet. I had one for Chela in the park 3 months after she died. It helped me to do that but the thought of doing one for Casper just makes me break down and weep. it's not that I didn't love her as much or more, I just can't let myself go there yet. I'm not ready I guess to let myself go there. it's just too hard. Then I feel guilty, like I'm being disrespectful of her but it's really not that. It's just still too overwhelming for me. I'm not through the mourning process with Chela, how can I face it completely with Casper? Grief is exhausting and I'm just so tired. I created a slide show of Chela for her memorial. I posted it on youtube if you want to see it.

When I uploaded it, something happened and the music and photos became out of sync. So, the music ends before the pictures do - but I left it up anyway. Don't feel obligated in any way to check it out. I know you're in pain and may not really want to - I won't be offended. Anyway, I wanted to drop you a line to let you know you're in my thoughts and prayers. I know how alone it feels right now; I'm pretty much in the same boat. Please do something nice for yourself today. You're ripping yourself apart with all the things you did wrong (I do that too), so it's important to counter that with the things you did right. So, today, think about some of the things you did right for Harley. hang in there - Elizabeth

[bees]

Hi there, this is to Chelas mom, so I guess the other Elizabeth, I just read your message to Elizabeth ( gosh this is confusing) and I watched your tribute to your wonderful dog Chela. I was so moved watching her life in pictures with the wonderful song that you picked for this Celebratioon of her. I loved it, it is so beautyful and so touching. You did a really beautyful job, I wish I knew how to do something like that for my Nemo.It just showes how much you loved your little angel. Thank you for sharing it with all of us. I hope you will be able to make another tribute for Casper one day, when you are strong enough, and that you will also share that with people that understand the love, that you felt for your fury babies. I hope you get some good rest tonight and that you will stay in touch on this web side, as it is so helpful to be able to write to someone that understands unconditional love, sweet dreams from Colorado, you are in my thoughts tonight and so will be your sweet Chela and Casper.Love, Bess.

[nwnightowl]

Hi Other Elizabeth and Bees,

I just wanted you guys to know I'm thinking about our tonight, bracing for another Sunday. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since Harley left and in some ways it seems like a lifetime. It's been a really hard day so I will try to email more tomorrow. I hope you each find some sleep and peace tonight, Elizabeth (PS we can shorten me to Liz if that makes it easier )

[Elizabeth149]

Good morning Bees and Liz --

Bees-Thanks for your kind words on my tribute to Chela. She was such a wonderful soul and I miss her tremendously. It was such a blessing to have her in my life for 17 years but the void left behind has been horrendous to cope with. Casper was with me for 13 years and the two of them were just the best of friends. I think Chela's passing caused Casper's illness to speed up. Their bond was so tight. The only thing Casper loved more than Chela was me and she would have stayed and lived through that hell of pain but I just couldn't do that to her. I loved her to much to see her suffer. The urge to have a memorial for Chela hit me suddenly. It was a Thursday late afternoon when the need hit me so I emailed my friends and asked if they could come on Saturday. So, I put it all together in less than two days. It was at the park - the park both Chela and Casper just loved - it had been raining all day long and I was worried that we weren't going to be able to release the balloons I'd purchased. I played music, had a few poems read, I shared stories. When it came time to let the balloons go - symbolic of me letting go of my pain (or trying to), the clouds parted, the sun came out and it was perfect. After throwing roses into the river, it clouded up again and we barely had time to get back under the pavillion before it started to rain again. It was such a hard thing to do but it was helpful. Course, I had Casper there and my friends to help me through it. With Casper, I don't know what I'm going to do. She was so different from Chela - she didn't really like other people so much - she was just shy and timid. I'll do something but until the need hits me, I think I need to stop worrying about it. This coming Tues - the 11th is the 12 year anniversary of losing Coco. I don't know how I survived that but eventually, the pain wasn't so intense. My life is different now - I became very ill after Chela died and then I had an accident in the park and broke my leg. That messed up my back and here I am, 10 months later still battling constant back pain. It's just too much sometimes.

Liz - please hang in there today. I know it's a hard day for you- 2 weeks is such a short amount of time. I know you want the pain of grief to be over with but there it no time frame on grief. It takes as long as it takes. It feels like the days are so long because you're hurting so much. It's like time slows down and drags it out. You're still in the early phases of it all and it's really hard and painful to push through it. Sometimes thinking about making it through another day is overwhelming - so when those times hit you, just think about making it through the next 10 minutes, or the next hour. Try to not put expectations on yourself. You're going to make it through this one tiny step at a time. Please be patient with yourself. I know it's hard but it makes it a little easier accepting that this is how it's going to be for awhile than it is to fight against feeling it. I'm not suggesting curling up in a ball and letting life just go on without you for awhile, but I'm suggesting that you do small things and take comfort in small things. Give yourself credit when you get out of bed and get dressed. If this were a human child you'd lost, others around you would be so different in their understanding and sympathies. Just because Harley wasn't human, doesn't mean he wasn't your child. He was your family, your constant companion, there to greet you, excited to see you every time you returned home. His love was unconditional and it's extremely difficult to push forward without that daily dose of unconditional love. When Chela died, I went to my doctor because I was having such horrible panic attacks. He told me that Chela was a child to me just as any child is to any other woman and losing her is physiologically and psychologically the same. My body and mind are reacting to the loss of a child and that's an extremely difficult trauma to get through. His understanding helped me accept that life was just going to really suck for awhile - I'd get through it somehow. Chela's been gone 13 1/2 months and I'm still trying to put my life back together. Losing Casper too only compounded the grief, losing my health has also been a major stressor. You're body and mind are so overwhelmed right now because you've experienced a horrible trauma. Please give yourself the time you need to work through it - without expectations of when you'll feel better. Grief is like a sickness - it takes a long time to overcome it - so try and be patient with yourself and try not to be so hard on yourself. Try and do something good for yourself today.

Both of please hang in there. I'm hoping today we all find a moment of peace.

Elizabeth

[bees]

Dear Elizabeth, looking at your pictures yesterday showed me what kind of a woderful life Chela had with you. she looked so happy and even in pictures where you could tell that she was getting on in age, she looked like a dog that had lived a woderful life with someone that truely cared for her.How blessed your dogs must have been to have had a human friend that really gave them a great life. I have always had cats in my life, until we ended up rescuing a little Maltess Puppy from a Puppy Mill about four years ago. I love this dog like a child, that is what all my animals are to me, my furry children. Sounds kind of goofy, however I care for them like they are my children and they have the same meaning to me as a human. I dont know if that is the correct thing to say, but that is how I feel. I have never been let down by any of my animals and their love has always been undonditional for me, no matter what. So having to say Good Bye to any of them is the hardest thing I ever had to do. I lost three of my cats within on year and the pain has not gotten easier, it has gotten worse. I have to admit, that losing My Nmeo today five weeks ago, has been the most painful. I have loved all of them very much and they have been with me through so much in my life, but my bond with my little Nemo was very special. Cats can be very independent and ebverything is pretty muchon their turn. No so my Nemo, he was like a dog, incredible, so cuddely, so crazy- playing fetch....- just a once in a lifetime kind of a cat. Loving and mood sensing, just amazing. The hardest part for me is, that I had no knowledge of that anything was wrong with him. So waking up and finding him dead, was such a shock and I still cant deal with it. I know that I have gotten better and I feel great when I can give others advice on how to deal with all this grief inside of you, but I cant really control my feelings yet. I still cant really sit down and look at his urne, which helped me so much with Mia and Tibbs 's death, I cant really look at pictures yet, as that is too painful and I will totaly break down. I did however plant a beatyful tree for him on his first month annerversary (SORRY FOR MY TERRIBLE SPELLING, ENGLISH IS SOMETIMES A BIT HARD FOR ME)I would love to show you a picture of this little place in my back yard, that I call Nmeos Corner now. I have a birdbath set up and today I got this really pretty cat staute that I set up right next to it. It did make me feel good, to have a feeling that I honored his life in a small way. I know that he loved life so much and he enjoyed it truely, as he was such a happy cat and because of that I do not wan tto be so sad all the times. What if he could see the pain that I am in now, it would hurt him so much, as I believe that he loved me as much as I loved him. On day, I know I will be able to handle all this sorrow a lot better, but he will forever live inmy heart and I know that I have to be strong, as I will otherwise slip back into anxieties and I wont be able to give my little doffie the love that he deserves as he is griefing too, because Nemo was his best friend. Thank you aagain for sharing your tribute with me, I know Chela watched it from across the Rainbow Bridge and loved it as much as I did. Take care of yourself, Bees.

[Elizabeth149]

Dear Bees,

Thanks Bees for your kind thoughts on Chela's tribute. She was a happy girl and she did have a wonderful life. She was loved, cherished and respected and she knew it. I've never really had cats. I had roommates with cats, but I never owned one of my own. I know what you mean about your animals being your children. Mine have been too. Some people don't understand that but that's OK. It doesn't sound goofy to me at all. Losing three of your kids in one year would be so difficult. The pain of each is almost unbearable independently of each other. Put them all together and it's just overwhelming. Losing my two girls last year has been so difficult. I was still mourning the loss of one when the other had to leave. I can't think of one without thinking of the other. So, I understand how complicated it is trying to deal with the loss. Your Nemo sounds wonderful - I hope you have some pictures of him so when the time comes, you can look at them without such sadness. I know it's not very comforting but at least you didn't have to decide to have Nemo euthanized. He was so blessed to be able to go quietly in his sleep, in the home he loved. No knowing what caused his death will be difficult for you for years to come I'm sure, but please be thankful that he was able to go peacefully at home. As Chela grew older and her health more fragile, I often prayed that that's how she would go - that one night she'd just go to bed and not wake up. I had hoped that for Casper too. The night before I had her put to sleep, I stayed on the floor next to her bed all night long petting her and comforting her and telling her that it was OK for her to leave me and go be with Chela. I didn't want her to die, but I wanted her to know it was OK for her to go - that I wanted her to be able to go from home where she felt safe. It wasn't meant to be, but that's so what I wanted for her. I know not knowing what caused Nemo to die so suddenly is painful. He was taken from you without warning and you weren't able to hold him and tell him you love him as he left this world. On the other hand though, he went peacefully in his sleep and that's such a blessing for him. I know it has broken your heart and it will hurt for a long time to come but since it was apparently his time to leave this life, please find comfort in knowing he was lucky to be able to leave from home. The special bonds we have with these wonderful creatures is so unique with each of them. Losing Nemo has probably also triggered the feelings of loss you had with your other two kitties. It's only been 5 weeks, the emotions are too overwhelming to be controlled right now. It will get easier. A friend of mine recently told me I appear to be feeling better and I told her no, I'm not "better" it's just getting easier to fake it. It takes a long time to rebuild your life after losing a loved one. Losing a child is such a stressful and painful event, the only way to get through it is one moment, one step, one breath at a time. The tree you planted and the birdbath sound so beautiful. I'm sure all of your kitties are looking down from heaven smiling and watching the birds flutter around. I would love to see pictures of the tree and birdbath and statue. It sounds like such a peaceful place. I'm sure he loves the tribute and knows you did it all out of love and respect for his life.

I haven't really been able to look at pictures of Casper yet either. It just breaks my heart that she's not here. I feel like she was cheated, that we were cheated of more years together. But, I know that no matter how long she was here with me, it'd still be just as painful to say goodbye. I'm just still so upset about it all, it's hard to talk about without breaking down. My heart is just so broken. I feel so defeated and beaten up these days. I know she continues to love me as much as I love her. I worry about how she's doing. The logical part of me knows she's wonderful where she is but the hurting part of me worries that she wants to be with me. That's all she ever wanted - to be wherever I was. I comfort myself telling myself that she's with Chela and both are completely content to be where they are and aren't worried at all about me. That they know I love them and will join them someday. I'm just so heartbroken it's hard to function sometimes. It's only been 4 months since Casper had to leave, I'm still struggling to adjust to this new chapter in my life. Mostly because I'm not liking any of it. It's so depressing and confusing. But, I know in time, my heart will heal. Like the line in that song "my heart will go on". It just feels like it's been years since I held them and kissed those beautiful faces. I'm still struggling with anxiety. I have to medicate myself at night otherwise I can't sleep. If I don't get sleep, I can't function the next day and that makes it worse. It's a vicious cycle so I try daily to accept that I need to just give grief time to work itself out.

Hang in there Bees - you said English is your second language. What is your first language?

Hugs,

Elizabeth

[bees]

Dear Elizabeth, how are you doing today? I am doing ok. I have had a big meltdown today but I got through it and besides being totally exhausted now, I am doing fine. It almost feels like an anxiety attack, it kind of happens sudden and unexpectatly and it totally weras me out. I have been able to contoll my emotions pretty well, at least when I am going along with the day, that means work, shopping and so on, however it is the time alone at home, that is bringing back all the pain. I try to keep myself occupied, but eventually I do have time on my hands that I dont know what to do with and even if it is just getting ready for bed and laying there. When the thinking starts, the pain kicks in. I have been thinking about you a lot and how helpful all your advice is and how it helps to listen to your experience. I am very sad for the way you had to say good bye to both of your girls and I guess I can be somehow thankful ,that Nemos death was something I didnt have to make a decision for. It just hurts so much, that i took it all gor granted and didnt even tell him one more time how thankful I was for everything he had given me through those short seven years. I try letting him know now, that he meant the world to me, through a journal that I write into every day, but I know that it is too late. I gave him my love every day, but if I had only known that our time together was going to be this short, i would have spent so many moments wasted, just sitting on my couch with him, cuddeling. I sometimes have to really say that I hate life, that it is so unfair and unjust. I dont understand so many things and I guess I never will. I did learn that you better cherrish what you have and enjoy even the samllest moments,as they may never come again.

I have so many pictures of Nemo and I did take some really pretty ones of his memory tree, however I do not know how to download them onto this web side. If you do, I will share them with you. I had a really amazing moment when I plannted his tree for him. When I got done plannting ZI took some pictures for my friends and family and when I got to the last picture,I decided that this one would be the picture that I wanted to post on his Guestbook side. So I was really thinking about my baby when I took this last picture and while doing so, I felt this feeling of serenity, like he was really close by. It was kind of a really happy feeling, and when I got inside I went straight to the computer to see how these pictures turned out. i looked at the first ten pictures and they were all very clear and pretty and then I got to the last picture and I couldnt believe my eyes, this picture is so beautyful, it has sunlight flowing in from all over and looks like it was taken with a speciel camera with some kind of a foggy device set up. I do not know what happend. I took it with my cell phone camera jsut like the others, but it is so very special. I dont know if I believe in these kind of things, but it really feels like Nemo was with me at that moment. Would that be beautyful if it was true ? Well,that thought makes me very happy and so believe in the possibility. I can send you some of those pictures so that yuo can see it for yourself. By the way, I am from germany. I have been living in the States for of and on twenty years, but sometimes there are a million thoughts onmy mind and I my spelling gets the better of me, so I am very sorry for that and I hope my writtings still make sense. Take care my friend and I hope to hear from you soon, Bees !!!!

[Elizabeth149]

Hi Bees,

Sorry I missed you yesterday. The university I work with had a service project and I was busy with that all morning and then packing up my office to be moved (again). I understand about meltdowns. I have them on a daily basis. Just the word meltdown can cause me to tear up. I also understand anxiety attacks. I have them too. When you're having one, rational thought flies out the window and nothing you tell yourself really calms you down. You just have to ride it out. I've been working on just accepting that life is going to suck for a long time. I'm trying not to give in to the depression but to let the sadness escape when it needs to - giving into the sadness and letting it happen instead of trying to be strong and tough it out. I can only let the sadness come out in short spurts - otherwise I have panic attacks. I've been having a lot of meltdowns this week. It was the 12 year anniversary of my Coco dying on Tuesday. For some reason, this year it was a hard anniversary. i think it's because loss is so fresh with having lost both Chela and Casper in such a short period of time - and losing my health on top of that. It's just been a tough week. So, I understand. I can be fine one minute and a mess the next. I was driving home the other day thinking it's been 4 1/2 months since Casper died and then I thought, how have I made it this far when I don't know if I can make it the next minute? Panic started setting in. I guess it's normal to have set backs. I also keep telling myself that there is no time line for grief. It's an individual thing and it just takes as long as it needs to take. there's no rushing through it. I'm exhausted too. I do sleep at night because I take anxiety medication at night but I don't sleep well. I wake up just as tired as when I went to bed. I feel like I'm just sleep walking half the time. Like I"m on auto-pilot or something. Then I have brief moments when I "wake up" and I freak out and the emotions overwhelm me and then I manage to turn them off and go back to auto-pilot for awhile. I know it may take a long, long time, but eventually, I'll spend more time dealing with life instead of avoiding it. I force myself out of my comfort zone when I can. I make myself get out of bed and function even though I really don't want to. I'm just existing right now, but I know eventually, I'll start feeling stronger and participate more in life. Weekends stress me out because I have time on my hands then. I work out in my yard a bit when I can -- I hurt my back when broke my leg last July and I'm in pain every minute of every day so sometimes, my physical activity is very limited but I try and work outside. Inside is another story. I can't remember the last time I actually cleaned my house. It's only me and I do clean up after the puppies, but for the most part, right now, it's cluttered everywhere. I really just don't care about cleaning it. I'm doing well to get the laundry done. It's hard not to let the thoughts come though. It's just too painful to think. All the questions and doubts and pain sets in and it's too much. So, I can only do it in very small chunks.

Ooops, I have to run to a meeting. I'll finish this a bit later.

[nwnightowl]

Hi Elizabeth and Bees,

I am glad you two connected so perhaps you can help each other. I wanted to share some things that I found. One of you asked what book I had ordered, the other one was called: Saying Goodbye to your Angel Animals I have only just started it so I can't really offer a review yet. I also ordered one suggested on another thread about different feelings you have during grief How to Survive Your Grief in addition I ordered 2 that deal with the loss of a child from Amazon because I wanted something that went deeper.

I have been spending some time on the spouse and behaviors section of the board and I have found some useful things there as well. Today is the first day I have even been able to breathe, I had a horrible panic attack last night, didn't get to sleep until about 5 am and then had the most wonderful dream about Harley. I actually had to get out of bed today to go to work and then I did physical labor in my yard which helped occupy my time. I have no choice but to try to sell my house this year so I am trying to forge ahead. I am trying to put a positive spin on it by thinking well I am already miserable so I might as well get the miserable chorse done now so they will be over if I ever start feeling better. I am moving next year to pursue my sciences and then vet school, Harley inspired me to finally go to vet school, it's something I have always thought about and I think now is the time. The only thing I have really found that offers even a second of peace right now is doing things for the other puppies, I think Harley would approve. I still cry every day and probably will for a long time. One of my good friends has stepped up to the plate and is being very supportive and I am trying to do everything I can think of for Dover. There is also a chance I will be helping Harley's first owner with a project this weekend which makes me feel useful.

I also wanted to share a web site that I found. This lady doesn't something I haven't seen anywhere else. She makes stuffed animals that look like your pet and you can store their ashes in a special compartment and then you can sort of hug them again. http://www.belovedpe...m/grieving.html I also have a site that shows memorial gardens but I have to find it again.

Bees I am sorry your famly can't be there for you, I can't imagine how hard it would have to be to put on a fake front for my family.

Elizabeth, I was wondering what program you used for your tribute. I really liked the song you picked, was Casper in any of those pictures? I had someone offer to do one for Harley but I think I would like to do it myself, I am also making one of those Shutterfly books for me and his previous owner of his time with me.

I hope you both find some peace this weekend, I am glad you can be there for each other. There was a conference offered today on sudden loss online that I wanted to listen too but the timing didn't work out, but the person did say she would be making a tape so I am going to try to get one. It was coordinated through the person who wrote the How to Survive Your Grief book.

Anyway I hope you guys get some rest tonight. I don't currently have a doctor and need to find one so I can get some sleep meds, my old doctor retired a few years ago. Take care, EAF (I hate the nickname Liz so I just went to my initials, that's what I use with all my friends)

Edited May 14, 2010 by MartyT
Links inserted

[Elizabeth149]

Hi EAF - I had to chuckle at the end of your post about hating the nickname Liz because I don't like it either. It usually bothers me when someone calls me Liz.

"Saying Goodbye to your Angle Animals" and "How To Survive Your Grief" both sound like good books. I'm going to have to look into those. Let me know if you find anything helpful in them. Also, let me know if you find anything helpful in the other two books on child loss.

You sound like you're doing a bit better. I'm so happy for you. I know you're still hurting and struggling to move forward but every tiny step forward helps. That dream sounds like it gave you some comfort. When Coco died in '98, I had a beautiful dream about her that gave me tremendous comfort and it was enough to help me really move past the sadness.

Panic attacks are so horrible. I have them when I try to sleep - so I am on medication that I take at night. Before Chela died, I was able to sleep anytime, any place - very laid back and easy going. Now, I've become a worrier and can't sleep without waking up panicked. I hate it. I haven't had a nap in over a year. I used to be able to escape when things got to be too much by just taking a nap and resting from the emotion. Now, I try and nap and I wake up about 15 minutes later having a panic attack. It's gotten so I won't even try to nap these days. In the mornings when the medication has worn off, I wake up anxious with my heart racing. I've been doing a lot of self talk when I wake up these days -- forcing myself to lay there until my heart stops racing. It's been a tough year.

I try to use physical labor to work through it all but I'm limited to what I can do. I broke my leg in June of last year and it damaged my back. I have 3 bulging discs in my lower back and three in my neck. I'm in pain most of the time -- the only time I'm not in pain is when I'm sleeping. It's an ugly cycle. I've been in physical therapy for so long.

I'm sorry to hear you're going to have to sell your house. If I had to sell my place, I'd be so sad. I have so many memories there. That's the only place Casper ever lived in. Vet school is quite the challenge - that's SO WONDERFUL! My niece is in vet school in Colorado. It's tough but she loves it at the same time. I find some peace playing with the little puppies I'm fostering. They're almost 5 weeks old now and their little personalities are starting to show and they're more active. At least they make me smile. You're right, you'll probably cry every day for awhile to come but it's so good that you're trying to move forward. I was hoping you'd attend the ALLN chat on Wed. There were a lot of people there this past week. Sometimes, there's only 2-3 people, others there's so many it's hard to keep track of who is going through what. I hope you'll come back.

I'm also so glad to hear that one of your friends is being there for you and being so supportive. It's wonderful that you may be helping out Harley's previous owner as well. That will help heal your heart.

That site where they make stuffed animals of your pet sounds really interesting. Have you done that?

Putting up a fake front is difficult. I struggle with it every day. People just don't want to deal with your sadness - or they don't know how. I don't have family, so it's tough but I think it would be harder to have family and them not be supportive. I mostly put up a fake front for everyone except those I met through ALLN. The people in my life are good people, it just makes them uncomfortable when I'm crying. It's not that they don't want me to be real, they just wish they could help. I think I'm afraid if I showed how I really feel and how hard I'm really struggling, they might stop inviting me to things. I really don't believe that but on some level I fear that. I guess too, grief is our own, only we can push through it.

I created that slide show in powerpoint. The song was made popular by Phil Collins but I chose Carlos Ponce's version because he means something to me. His music helped me pull out of a pretty bad depression about 5 years ago. I won't bore you with details, but I was able to meet him and now I am one of the administrators on his fan page. I haven't been too involved with it over the past year, but it helps me to fill my spare time.

Yes, Casper is in the pictures. The first other dog you see in the slide show - the lab looking one - that's Coco. The golden one further in is Casper. I want to make a tribute for her too. I just haven't had it in me to really go through the pictures I have of her and pick out my favorites to tell her story. Putting Chela's together was a huge cry fest for me but it helped me through some of the sadness. I also found that writing about Chela helped some. I just haven't been able to sit down and do it for Casper. It's not because I loved her less, it's because the pain is too much. I attended a workshop on shutterfly this week and it's something I am thinking about doing as well. There are a couple of places online like shutterfly but it seems they're the most user friendly. Text is limited but I think it's a wonderful idea. Ramona-from ALLN - did a shutterfly book for one of her dogs -- or maybe it was both. She lost two of her dogs last year too and ours were so close together, we kind of bonded.

I hope you too are able to find some peace this weekend. I hope you find a doctor who can help you get some sleep. Hang in there and please keep me posted on how you're doing.

HUGS,

Elizabeth

[Elizabeth149]

Hi Bees, Sorry I had to cut my last response short. I had a meeting I completely forgot about. I am such a space cadet these days. My memory is horrible.

I know you missed out on being able to say goodbye to Nemo - but I think if you'd had to rush him to the vet and then make that decision to put him down, it would have been so much harder. I know not knowing why he died is hard - he was fine by what you could tell, otherwise you would have done something. But, I so wish that's how my girls had gone. Having to take them to the vet and having to make that decision was so painful. With Chela, my regular vet was there and it was actually all done very peacefully. We did it outside in the sunshine that Chela loved so much. With Casper, my regular vet wasn't there and it was a horrible experience and I just can't let myself think about it or I lose it. I'm angry and sad all at the same time.

You may not have been able to tell Nemo one last time that you loved him and you didn't get to say goodbye and send him off with hugs and kisses, but he knew you loved him. He knows you love him still. Journaling is a wonderful way to put down all the memories you have of him. I think part of the reason we hold onto them so tightly is because we're afraid we'll forget. We won't forget, but writing down the experiences helps comfort us in knowing it's written down, so even if we do forget, we can look back at the journal entries and remember again. I was in the middle of writing Chela's story when Casper got sick and then for those few weeks, all my attention went to her. I haven't been able to get back to it and I haven't been able to write anything for Casper. I feel guilty about that, like I'm dishonoring her in some way but right now, the pain is just too much to go there. Maybe if I forced myself to do it, some of the pain would ease but so far, all it's done is thrown me into panic mode.

I sometimes say that too -that I hate life. I hate how I feel and how much physical and emotional pain I'm in. I don't want to live this life - but I don't want to die either, so I keep pushing forward trying to rebuild my life so that it's tolerable again. Some moments I feel OK, some I feel like I won't make it to the next but when those hit, I just take a deep breath and think about something else. Force myself to think about something else - something not so painful to think about. Life is unfair and it's unjust. The only real thing that gets me through those thoughts is the hope and belief that the next life IS fair and just. I'm just as confused as you are -- not understanding why things happen the way they do or to who they happen to. The best we can do is to cherish what we love - cherish every moment we have with those we love.

I'd love to see those pictures. You can attach them here I think -- if you click on the "choose file" button - it's just below the attachments. You can browse what's on your desktop and you choose the picture you want. Then, hit the attach this file and it should attach the picture. If that doesn't work, you can email them to me at warnerel@uvu.edu That's a wonderful experience with that picture you took - the one that turned out so incredible while you were feeling so at peace. I"m sure your Nemo was right there with you, letting you know he loves you and he's fine where he is. He was sending you comfort - and your picture turning out so beautifully just gives you a reminder of that peace. I hope you blow it up and frame it and put it somewhere you see often. I'm attaching a picture of Chela and Casper - Chela is on the left, Casper on the right.

I've got to run. We're packing up our offices and moving today, so me being online ready to cry with all these people coming in and out isn't a good situation. I hope to talk to you soon.

HUGS,

Elizabeth

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

In addition to the wonderful resources you have suggested to one another, you may want to check out Teresa Wagner's Animals In Our Hearts. Teresa is one of the most compassionate, understanding and truly helpful animal lovers you'll ever find, and her Web site is filled with information that will touch your souls and soothe your aching hearts. She is educated in grief counseling, experienced in pet loss, highly skilled and qualified in animal communication, and I simply cannot recommend her highly enough. See especially the material listed on her Pet Loss Grief Support page. Read more about Teresa Wagner here: http://www.animalsinourhearts.com/about/bio.html

You'll also find an extensive list of books about pet loss that I've read and personally recommend here: Articles ~ Columns ~ Books (Once you're on the page, scroll down until you come to the section entitled Books about Pet Loss.) To see information about each book listed (including price), just hover your mouse over the book's title.

[nwnightowl]

Hi Elizabeth,

I started reading the Angel Animals book last night and was just balling. I only got through one chapter. I also have a foster dog, she is being a brat right now. She was only supposed to be here a few weeks and 10 months later she is still here. She's a little deaf jack russell, who definately marches to her own drummer and mostly drives me crazy. I am so sore from my physical labor thing I can barely move today. I hurt my neck in the car accident and I found out that this super stress makes it worse. I tried physical theraply but my guy wasn't too good my car wreck doctor said it will hurt for years most likely. I haven't done the stuffed animal thing, but I am thinking about it, only because hugging a box doesn't comfort me very much. I kinda put it in the better than nothing category. It is going to be hard and easy to leave this house. Hard because all of my Harley memories are here, easy because this house is a pain in the neck to own. Right now there is a bird's nest in my attic that I don't know how to get rid of. So every morning I hear peep peep peep. Well one of them woke up last night and was peep peep peeping, the foster dog killed a bird yesterday so I had visions of them organizing a mutiny since they new I was housing a murderer. My sleep cycle is all messed up. I took some pain medicine last night which always makes me wacky so I was up until about 4:30 watching a show on PBS about whaling in the 17th, 18th and 19th centuries in America. First time I have watched PBS in years really, but I only have limited cable so it was that or the early morning news.

Good luck with your office move. I do dread moving. I'm not actually relocating until next Summer but with the real estate market the way it is I have no idea how long it will take the house to sell. So I may have to get a rental for a while in which case I will be moving twice. I am going to try to upload a picture of Harley again, I tried a while back and it didn't work. I am puppy sitting my friends dog who Dover loves over Memorial Day weekend so Dover will have someone to play with for at least a few days. I can hardly look at Harley pictures right now, they all make me cry. I'd be his first owner's slave for life if she would let me I feel so quilty about not being able to fix Harley. I hope you have a good weekend. We are supposed to have sun this weekend, that's a big deal in the Seattle area. I am considering a movie, I like the distraction. The lady at the post office asked if I had seen something yesterday about dogs and I didn't catch the title and she said but you will cry and I was thinking not a good choice right now, I would be sobbing, I told her I hadn't even seen Marley & Me and she said it was much worse than that so I think I will pass. My Casper and Harley looked almost like twins, when I would take them places together people asked if they were little mates, I called them my bookends. I told my therapist I feel like I am trying to stand up in the ocean and that everytime I feel like there might be a nano-second where I can catch my breath a tidal wave comes and knocks me back down. I am working on doing some sort of tribute to Harley, either a toy drive in his name or a fundraiser. There is a fund at his specialist for people who can't afford their pets treatments. I need to talk to his first owner first though, she is in advertising and has more contacts than me.

I will try to come to ALLN next week, one I went to on another board once had about 100 people and it was chaos, too many in my opinion. It's hard because it is early for us on the west coast, but I will try. Take care and I hope you have a moment of brightness this weekend. EAF

[Elizabeth149]

Hi EAF - let me guess, your middle name is Ann? Mine too. HA! Harley is adorable!!! He looks so sweet in this picture. I know what you mean about looking at his pictures making you cry. I'm that way too. I keep reading that crying is a good thing - that it's important to let the tears come - but man, they come so often and sometimes so violently, it's hard to let them come - it's like they don't want to stop once they start. So, I don't need anything additional to trigger them. No sad movies for me thank you. I refused to see "Marley and Me". I knew that the dog died in the end, so I said no to seeing it. Chela was reaching old old age by that point and I knew her time was too close for comfort. If I know an animal dies in a movie, I won't go see it. It just upsets me too much. It ruins the movie for me. I went and saw "Back Up Plan" a few weeks ago and kept thinking if this little dog dies in it, I'm going to be upset. Luckily, that doesn't happen. All the grief books I've read bring on the tears but sometimes things are said in a way that I found comforting. I bought so many grief books when Chela died. I didn't even come close to reading them all. I'd start one, cry through the first chapter and then I wouldn't finish. I did finish a few of them but like you're experiencing, they bring on the tears. I found a lot of comfort in "Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates." It's just comforting to think about our animals being there in the next life. I have to hold onto that belief or I can't function. I actually love waking up to hearing birds chirping -- but I think if it was inside my house it might bother me. Kind of like crickets. I love hearing them chirp outside my window but when they've gotten into the house it's enough to drive a person nuts. There has to be some animal control group that would come and remove the nest for you. If they have little babies though, the babies might not survive a move. Wild birds aren't very fond of people messing with their nests.

I hope you can sell your house - the market is so messed up. I think about moving sometimes. I am not as fond of the city I live in now as I used to be but leaving this place -- I'm not ready to let those memories go. Not that you really let them go, but not being here would hurt too much right now. This is my second foster since Casper died. My house was just too empty without another living thing being here but I wasn't ready to adopt another one yet. My first foster ever was a black lab/blood hound mix. She was HUGE. She had 7 puppies. I picked them up the day they were born. They were only a few hours old and so tiny. I had them 7 weeks. By the time I surrendered them back, the puppies were about 7-10 lbs. each. Now I'm fostering a toy poodle and her 3 puppies. Talk about a difference. This group has been so easy compared to the last that it's almost like they're not here. The puppies are getting so cute and I do get some joy watching them play and discover their world. They'll be 5 weeks old on Monday. I will have them until they're weaned and spayed (all 4 of the dogs are female). So, probably at least another 5 weeks. Sorry your foster has been such a brat. It could be that your emotions are just all over the place. I know mine are like a roller coaster ride -- severe and all over the place. My patience tolerance is next to nothing.

I know what you mean about having something soft to hold onto. The urn or box is hard and cold. Casper loved stuffed animals and she had several so when I need something soft to hold onto, I hug one of her toys. For about the first 48 hours after she died, I couldn't put them down. I just had to cling to her through them. I could smell her on them and I just didn't want to let go. So, I understand. With Chela - she wasn't a stuffed animal girl. She ripped them up as a puppy but once she outgrew that, she outgrew them and didn't play with them. She loved sitting out in the yard in the sun, so when the weather is OK, I'll go plant myself in the middle of the yard like she used to and just lay there for awhile. Having something to hold onto though - I miss holding her. I miss holding them both. I took a look at that site Marty mentioned and though I cried through what I looked at, it's a comforting place. I bought one of the CDs. We'll see if it helps any.

\

YES - grief is like trying to stand in the ocean. Sometimes the waves are manageable but most of the time, it's like being tossed and turned before you can even catch your breath. It does get easier but it sure takes a long time to get to that point.

I understand too about stress causing your neck to have more problems. I've got 3 bulging discs in my neck and I can tell when I've reached my stress level max. I've even had it bad enough to make me lose strength in my hand. It's quite scary. The first time it happened, I thought I was having a heart attack - which triggered a panic attack. Long story short, my physical therapist has been wonderful for my neck and I now have a home cervical traction unit that helps stretch it out. Moist heat helps as well. Have you tried any of the creams they have for pain? Those that heat up help relax the muscles - like capzasin - but it can get really warm. I made the mistake of buying the extra strength and it was way too hot for me. The regular stuff isn't too bad. Hot showers also help relieve the stress. I've also got lower back pain. Now if I could find out how to fix that, I'd be half way happy. I'm in pain every minute of every day and it wears me out sometimes. I think my physical injuries have compounded the grief - I don't know if this is permanent or not - some of it probably is - so it's disheartening to have lost my babies and my health all in the same year.

I think that's part of my anxiety over moving offices. My misery started in Jan. of 2009 when they started construction in our building. I ended up with carbon poisoning. It took about a month before my brain started to think normal again. My thought process was so slow it was so frustrating. So, I'm nervous about the idea of them doing construction in our building and being in the same situation. I've made it very clear though, one hint of exhaust fumes or any kind and I'm out of there on THEIR DIME.

You do need distractions - I try and go to the movies when I can. I'm getting together with a friend tomorrow for lunch. It's hard to make myself get out. I really don't want to do it, but the distraction is helpful, so I'll go. It's supposed to be nice here too - the last few weekends have been raining or snowing so it'll be nice to see the sun. I know Seattle gets a lot of rain -- I've thought about living there but I think the lack of consistent sunshine might weigh on my mood. I'm not one of those worship the sun people, but it does help lift my mood to see it on a daily basis - even if it's for just a few hours.

The APLB chat group always has a lot of people. I stopped going there. I kind of felt like they expected me to feel better faster and when I wasn't, they were kind of rude about it. One of the girls at ALLN on Wed. said that they told her her grief was lasting too long and to please not come back. They also seemed to really push the book the founder of the site wrote. I bought the book before I found the site. It was just OK for me. Not much new in it. Some of it bothered me - again, it felt like there was a timeline and if you didn't fall into that timeline, then something deeper was wrong with you. Granted, I could just be overly sensitive about it all -- my emotions are pretty raw and I feel incredibly vulnerable so I could have taken it wrong but unless I'm really desperate for human contact, I don't go there anymore. ALLN is at 5:30 your time right? It's 6:30 here - which is kind of perfect for me because it fills that time between getting home and getting ready for bedtime. I get up at 5:30 for work, so I go to bed by 9:15. Being on anti-anxiety medication, I usually fall asleep pretty quickly. Without it, I wouldn't get any sleep at all. I have nocturnal panic attacks. It's pretty freaky. I'm slowly cutting back on the medication though. I don't want to rely on it for the rest of my life. I've been on it almost a year now. I know I still have them because on rare occasions I've tried to take a nap and about 15 minutes into the nap, I'll wake up completely freaked out. It's so weird.

I hope you're able to find a pleasant distraction this weekend. Spend some time in the sunshine, it may help lift your mood. I hope you too find some brightness and some comfort this weekend!!!

Hugs,

Elizabeth

[Elizabeth149]

Thank you Marty for that site. I wasn't able to look at it extensively but found some comfort in what I did see. I even bought one of the CDs. I'm not sure I believe in "animal communicators" but I'm hoping the meditation part of the CD might bring me some comfort. I really liked the "Take Time To Heal". I passed it along to others I know who are grieving. It was a gentle reminder how important it is right now to take care of ourselves. Thanks for the information!!

Elizabeth

[nwnightowl]

Hi Elizabeth,

That's funny Back Up Plan was the first movie I saw after Harley died, I cried through half of it. I went to see Letters from Juliet today, and left the theater in tears. Then I come home and got my property valuation from the county for tax purposes and the value of my house has gone down another $40,000 ugh, I just want some good news so badly. I want my Harley back, I stupidly washed some things after he died so I don't have a lot that smells like him which makes me really sad. I was holding him after he died trying to memorize his smell but it didn't work. I just want to hold him again, he was the sweetest boy I think I've ever known. It's rare that you can just mix up a group of adult jack russells and when I got Harley I threw him in with 2 other males and they all got along from the start, that doesn't happen very often. Well I need to go walk my doggies, which is usually just a cry fest for me. I really thought at some point you would cry yourself out, but apparently not. I will try to write more later, hang in there. EAF

[nwnightowl]

Elizabeth

PS yes my middle name is Ann, along with almost every other Elizabeth I have ever met, I used to give my mother a really hard time, I was like could you have been less original. I actually want to change my name, but I am afraid it would hurt my Dad's feelings so I haven't. EAF

[nwnightowl]

Three weeks ago tonight I could still hold my baby in my arms, feel his soft fur, feel him breathing and tell him how much I loved him. I hate the way the world works, that your loved ones leave before you do, the sadness is too much to bear at times. I just want my Harley back, EAF

[nwnightowl]

Someone submitted this poem on another site so I thought I would share it:

Heaven

God saw you getting tired,

When a cure was not to be.

So he wrapped his arms around you,

and whispered, "Come to me."

You didn't deserve what you went through,

So He gave you rest.

God's garden must be beautiful,

He only takes the best

And when I saw you sleeping,

So peaceful and free from pain

I could not wish you back

To suffer that again.

Author Unknown

[nwnightowl]

Hi Bees,

Somehow we have made it to another Sunday, such a sad sad day of the week. I just wanted to check in with you and see how you were doing. Yesterday was a hard day for me. One of my dogs got in a fight and I had to take him to the ER at 11:00 last night and it was the same place that had treated Harley and I hadn't been there since Harley died, so while they were working on Dodger I was in the room crying about Harley. I think I got to sleep at 3:00 last night and I am totally exhausted now. I hope you are doing well this weekend. I can't believe in a few more weeks it will be June, Harley's birthday is in June and I so wanted to give him a party. I'm getting really really depressed it is so hard. Take care of yourself, tomorrow is a new week, EAF

[Elizabeth149]

Hi EAF,

I saw Letters from Juliet today. I cried during but was able to get it under control before it ended. I cried the entire drive home though. For a second, I thought I couldn't wait to get home and see my Casper and then it hit me that she's not here anymore. You'd think after almost 5 months I'd be used to it but I still haven't adjusted. Like you, I want my baby back and my heart just isn't ready to accept that that isn't going to happen in this life time. I don't allow myself to think past today - my goal every day is just to make it through the day. Thinking beyond today and all the years I may have to wait to be with my girls again - it just becomes too hard and overwhelming. I'm sorry to hear about your property value declining. That's a lot of money. I know you want Harley back and moving forward without him is almost too much to handle. I have cry fests too walking. I go to the park that I spent so much time with my girls in. On the one hand, it's full of memories that make me cry but on the other hand, those memories are all I have left now and I can still see them in my minds eye at that park so I can almost pretend they're still with me. Especially Casper. She and I spent a lot of time together in that park after Chela died. I had Chela's memorial service in that park. The thought of moving and not being able to go to that park is just too much - so though it's painful and I cry, I still go there because I feel closer to them there. I think in one day you can cry yourself into exhaustion but I"m not sure you can cry yourself out. I think at some point, you become numb and bounce back and forth between acute sadness and numbness. I know that other people have survived loss to this depth, so I hold onto the hope that it does eventually not hurt so much.

I've read this poem before. Shortly after Chela died I read it somewhere. It holds truth in it - seeing Casper in so much pain, I don't wish her back into that but I do wish it had never happened. That it was all just a horrible dream. I know it's not but doesn't stop me from wanting her back. Your comment about life not being fair - that it's not fair we have to lose those we love the most is also true. Yet at the same time, if we left before they did, who would love them with as much devotion and depth as we did? It would be heart breaking if they ended up in some cold shelter hoping that someone else would love them, wondering where we went and why they're there. I know that today is a very sad day of the week for you. It's going to be along time before it doesn't hurt so much every time it comes around. I'm hoping that something good -- good news of some sort comes to you on a Sunday so that it loses some of it's sting and pain. I make myself not think about the days that way. I try and make it intentional to stop those thoughts when they come up. That doesn't mean that the thoughts don't enter my head, but I try to replace them with something else that doesn't hurt so much.

Your first visit back to the place Harley died was probably intensely painful for you. It's still painful every time I go to my vet's office -- but the first time after Chela died, I broke down and sobbed in my car. Same with the first time after Casper died. When I went to pick up their ashes it was like it was all happening all over again. I hope Dodger is OK. I know the place you're in emotionally is very dark and you're depressed and it's getting harder and harder to keep moving forward. I still break down thinking about it and it's been almost 5 months since Casper died and it's been almost 14 months since Chela died. Grief is a painful state to be in, it's cold and lonely and painful - I don't know when it gets better, but it does. It's a very subtle shift. I can't say I'm better but I am because sometimes I can keep it together. I'm hoping that those sometimes will become easier and easier and the moments that are so difficult now will become further and further apart. Like Bees said, you have to give yourself credit for making it this far and for the little accomplishments you make every day.

I pray you find some peace and comfort somewhere soon -- even tiny reprives from the pain. Hang in there and please do something kind for yourself today.

Hugs,

Elizabeth

PS - the picture of Harley with the cone and the bandaged leg - poor guy!! It's a sweet picture. The expression on his face seems to be saying "I need a hug".

[nwnightowl]

Hi Elizabeth,

I liked Letter from Juliet because I like happy endings. I know what you mean about the bad dream, I just keep thinking I will wake up and it will all be a bad dream. Dodger, who was with the cone, is not feeling so hot today. I had to take his bandage off and it was stuck to his wound so he was not happy with me. I was reading some post somewhere and the person said the tears had become her friend, becuase after she cried an ocean she got to where she is now, I'm not sure I'll ever be that well adjusted.

If only there was a way to skip Sunday each week, that would help a little. I can't even look at pictures yet without having a total meltdown. My foster dog has been in major brat mode for days. She really needs to find a new home, she isn't a good fit for us and she deserves to be the center of someone's universe, but she is 8 years old and deaf and no one wants her, so she just keeps causing problems here.

Did your office get all moved? I've been trying to work on my yard this weekend, I figure while I'm depressed I might as well do all the things I hate since I'm miserable anyway, the IRS will be happy because taxes have now moved to the top of the list, lol. I wrote my therapist today and told her I really didn't know anything could hurt this much. Each day seems to get harder. I have a pet communicator who is going to talk to Harley again and talk to Dover to see how I can help him, maybe that will help. Right now I am clinging to Dover for dear life. He is still sad and sleeps on Harley's bed, but I feel like he's the only one who really understands. I would really like to go get a massage but it seems like too decadent of a treat right now.

Well I need to go bag some leaves before the sun sets. Thanks for the support, I really appreciate it. I hope you have had a ray of sunshine in your life today. Tomorrow is a new week, I can't believe 7 more days and it will have been a month. I don't have any idea what I have done all during May, it's all just a blur. Hang in there, EAF

[Elizabeth149]

Goodmorning EAF,

Dodger and Harley do look a lot alike - I thought that picture was another of Harley. Poor Dodger. I read a poem about sadness being a constant companion. That song "Goodmorning Heartache" seem to fit too - at least parts of it. I know what you mean about ever feeling well adjusted again but I think it comes - it's just a long way away. I saw a quote that said "I dropped a tear in the ocean today, when you find it that's when I'll stop missing you." I think we'll always miss those beloved souls. Have you talked to the group you're foster this dog for? She does need to find a place where she fits in. That might take some of your stress away. Maybe only a tiny bit but every little bit helps.

Yes, my office got moved. I hate moving. I think the construction on the first floor starts today. Last time they did construction in the building I had my office in, I got carbon poisoning so the first whiff of exhaust and I'm out of here. We'll see how it works being in a cubicle. I told the girl in the cubicle next to me not to be too worried if she hears me crying over here - that I have bursts several times a day. We'll see how it goes. Maybe I'll be able to control it a little better knowing someone else is right there - but at this point, I really don't care.

I worked in my yard a lot after Chela died. I was hoping the physical labor would exhaust me and I'd be able to sleep. Instead, it only made my back problem worse. It is good to get out and do things -- it helps a little to have some kind of outlet. You can always take out the anger on the yard right? I didn't know you'd spoken to an animal communicator. Did that help? What did they say? I'm not sure I buy into that but I've thought about it a lot. I believe it's possible, I just don't think everyone who says they can do this actually can. I worry about people taking advantage of another's grief. I completely understand what you mean about clinging to Dover. I clung to Casper for dear life when Chela died. i'd look into her sad eyes and see how much she missed Chela and it broke my heart. We clung to each other a lot those first few months after Chela died. She was so sad and I was so worried about her -- then I found that lump on her neck and then she had to leave me too. I don't know what I've done these past 14 months - I know I've cried every day since Chela died. Not just for Chela but for Casper too. It just seems like last year was the year from hell. I couldn't catch my breath before something else happened. I don't know how I survived it or even how I"m still surviving it -- just one moment at a time. Let me know how it goes if you contact that animal communicator. I'd like to hear about the experience and if it brings you any real comfort and peace.

I have a back and neck problem, so in physical therapy they give massages - not the best of massages, but it helps. Now that insurance isn't covering any more visits until after July 1, I'm on my own. I've been to one massage therapist and it did help relieve a lot of the stress in my neck. I'm thinking I need to go back and get some relief in my neck. They aren't cheap, but it helps - the human touch helps. Do you see your therapist on a regular basis? Is she helping? I saw a therapist for awhile after Chela died but haven't gone since Casper died. I just don't have it in me to really sit down and talk about it. I'm just not ready yet.

It's weird isn't it? How time flies by but seems to drag when you're grieving? I think it's because the hours are so painful to live through that they drag but because we're kind of in a zombie like state it goes fast at the same time. Those first few months after Chela died felt like they were years long. I hurt so much it was like minutes were hours long. I was just catching my breath when Casper died. I can't believe it was clear back in December that I lost her. I've just been floating through life, simply existing. I'm hoping that when I get old, if I'm one of those who has alzheimers, that 2009 is the year I forget first and all the pain it caused for me.

Hang in there. It's another week and at least it's one day closer to not hurting so much. Good luck with the taxes!!

Hugs,

Elizabeth