Loss Of A Parent

[klynn]

Hi

I lost my mom on January 26,2005 to cancer. She enjoyed Christmas of 2004 because she was having a good few days. However, from then on it went down hill. She suffered a seizure just after the new year and had a few okay days but then she just got worse.

My daughter was very close to her so it has been very tough. I find it hard to deal with it myself never mind trying to help my daughter.

I am going to a grief group in a few weeks so I am hoping it will help.

I find I go through phases where I am not sleeping well but I have heard this is normal.

[flo02]

My Mom also died of cancer in the summer of 2002. It is a long process and I really believe I started grieving upon her diagnosis because her cancer had already reached advanced stages when it was found. She lived almost 4 years after finding it however and of those years, only 2 months was she bedridden and weak so for that I am so grateful. There really are no words that someone can say to you that makes you feel better. Things others will say will give you some comfort for awhile but you are mourning probably one of the most important people that will ever be in your life. Please know that I know what you are feeling. I am sorry that your daughter has to suffer this great pain as well. I had no children at the time of my Mom's passing. I have a little girl now though and wish so much she could've known her grandma. If I can help you by just listening or whatever just let me know. The boards aren't very active right now it seems so if you would like to talk to me personally you can send me a personal message and I'll give you my instant messenger name. I have found that grieving is a long road but you will have your good days and bad days. Not getting enough sleep is definitely normal considering all the things running through your mind right now. It will take awhile to let it all sink it. Take care of yourself and your family .

May blessings rain on your soul,

flo02

[Guest SteveG]

KLynn,

While it has been posted before on this site, it's time to do it again.

But You're Absolutely Normal...

Grief is a normal reaction to loss, and it shows up in many ways you might not expect.

If you've...

• been angry with doctors or nurses for not doing enough…

• been angry with yourself for not taking more heroic steps…

• been sleeping too much or not enough…

• noticed a change in appetite…

• felt that no one understands what you're going through…

• felt that friends should call more or call less or leave you alone or invite you along more often…

• bought things you didn't need…

• considered selling everything and moving…

• had headaches, upset stomachs, weakness, lethargy, more aches and pains…

• been unbearably lonely and depressed…

• been crabby…

• cried for no apparent reason…

• found yourself obsessed with thoughts of the deceased…

• been forgetful, confused, uncharacteristically absent-minded…

• panicked over little things…

• felt guilty about things you have or haven't done…

• gone to the store every day…

• forgotten why you went somewhere…

• called friends and talked for a long time…

• called friends and wanted to hang up after only a brief conversation…

• not wanted to attend social functions you usually enjoyed…

• been angry for being left alone…

• found yourself unable to concentrate on written material…

• been unable to remember what you just read…

...you're absolutely normal. These are all common reactions to grief, and they may take up to two years to pass completely, but they will pass. You'll never forget the person who has died, but your life will again become normal, even if it is never exactly the same. Take care of yourself. You will heal in time.

[Guest SteveG]

...and for working with your daughter, if it might help.

Helping Children Cope with Trauma

After any disaster, children are most afraid that the event will recur, that they or someone they love will be hurt or killed, that they may be separated from those they love and be left alone. Here are ways that you can help children cope with trauma:

1) Children under the age of 6 should not be exposed to the TV videotape coverage of the attacks, and the viewing time allowed older children should be limited.

2) Allow children to express their feelings about what has happened and share your feelings with them. Regressive behavior (i.e., thumb-sucking, night wakings, and bed wetting) may occur in response to the trauma. Do not punish or scold the child for the behavior, but instead try to help him or her put their feelings into words.

3) Reassure children that they are now safe and that they are loved.

4) Be honest with children about what has occurred and provide facts about what happened. Children usually know when something is being sugar-coated.

5) Try to return yourself, your children, and your family to as normal a routine as possible. This helps provide a sense of security and safety.

6) Spend extra time with your child, especially doing something fun or relaxing for both of you.

7) Remember the importance of touch. A hug can reassure children that they are loved.

8) Review family safety procedures so children will feel prepared the next time an emergency situation occurs.

9) Talk with teachers, baby-sitters, daycare providers and others who may be with children so they understand how the child has been affected.

10) Watch for signs of repetitive play in which children re-enact all or part of the disaster. Although excessive re-enactment of a traumatic experience may be a warning sign, this behavior is an appropriate form of expression of emotions. Encourage a child who is not able to articulate their express their feelings through coloring, drawing, or painting.

11) Praise and recognize responsible behavior and reassure children that their feelings are normal in response to an abnormal situation.

[klynn]

Thanks for the comments back.

I am still having a difficult time. I know it can take a long time before it gets easier. I am going to a grief group and I find that helps because I can talk about what I am going through.

This last few weeks have been difficult because of mother's day and it would have been my parents anniversary on May 10.

I find I am having trouble staying asleep. I seem to wake up in the early morning and then am wide awake. I keep hearing this is normal but it makes it hard to function the whole day because I get so tired so early.

thanks for listening

Karen

[Pam7477]

It was good to read this post. I hadn't seen it before. I am forgetful now. Usually hyperorganized, I lose EVERYTHING and have forgotten several important appointments. (Mom died 5 months ago). I also find it very difficult to schedule anything in advance unless I have to, because I have an aversion to being forced to leave the house if I don't want to. My grief is like a load of cement which I'm carrying around in my stomach nonstop.

I have my 30 year high school reunion in July (in the town where I grew up and where my mom died) and I'm forcing myself to go. I don't want to be afraid of going "home", even when my mom isn't there. But even thinking about this huge task ahead is making me nervous.

I didn't realize missing someone so much would be so physical.

[JCL]

I know exactly what you mean Pam. For me now, it is exactly seven months. The last five months I have been able to get through work everyday, but when I hit Friday night all I want to do is lock myself in the house for the weekend and not come out till Monday morning. If it was not for the fact that I have made a commitment to certain family members to meet at my mom's house and cook dinner every Sunday, I would be a weekend hermit. I still miss my mom so much. There are so many things I keep wanting to tell her.

Now my cousin's husband also died two weeks ago at age 43. So young, such a waste. Now I found myself in the role of flying up to Sacramento to be there for someone else. If my mom had been alive, she would have been there for her sister, my aunt, but because she is not here, I took that role. I never had a major loss before in my life. Now after my mother dying, I feel like I understand everyone's loss.