STARKISS Posted July 6, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 6, 2010 Hi Niamh, I truly believe that my family is trying to drive me crazy, I mentioned that I am going to attend a three day job club where they teach you how to do resumes, cover letters and interviews and my sister spoke up and said that they still need me to look after the kids for a couple of weeks... This was news to me because what I thought was the last day of school was the end of the job, so I started to job search and set things up for myself... I told them if I was not busy and I did not have another job I would look after the kids... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted July 29, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2010 (edited) Hi All, I thought I was finished with all of this feeling but today, after finding out about my cousin Dean and now I just heard from the doctor and she was me to see a Psychiatrist now I really believe I am crazy... She wants me to see the Psychiatrist about getting tested for ADD OR ADHD or if it is just good old fashion depression I am suffering from... I am totally freaked out about the session and it is not even happening till September 20th... Talk about major panic attack, I am seeing this doctor who I do not know and the doctor being a man makes it even worst... I so want to tell the doctor I have to forget the whole thing but how can I do that... Shelley Edited July 31, 2010 by STARKISS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted July 31, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2010 Hi All, I am still having a hard time when thinking I have to see a psychiatrist, I think that because the psychiatrist is a man and that he might find something else wrong with me is freaking me out the worst... I am a very shy person and I do not feel comfortable talking to people... I am really freaked out but my therapist still believes it will be good for me to do this... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron B. Posted July 31, 2010 Report Share Posted July 31, 2010 (edited) Starkiss - I have seen psychiatrists, psychologists, and counselors for many years, and they have been both men and women. I know it's difficult talking to somebody you hardly know about intimate and personal things. I too am shy almost to the point where it's debilitating. My friends are few and I get very uncomfortable spilling my guts out to a complete stranger. If you are uncomfortable with a particular mental health professional, you have the choice of shopping around for somebody else. I also know that feeling of being labeled by a psychiatrist; I once got a diagnosis that scared me. That particular shrink was an old Freudian and somewhat of a nasty fellow. Please find someone with whom you can be comfortable. Personally I go into therapy sessions with specific things I want to talk about, so that I have firm thoughts that keep me grounded. Just like you find comfort in these forums, you should be able to develop some kind of trusting relationship with a mental health professional, else just move on to someone else! By the way, i found an excellent book on shyness. It is titled: Shyness: What It Is. What to Do About It. It's written by Philip Zimbardo, who is a professor at Stanford University. Zimbardo has researched shyness systematically. He really understands. If you can not find a copy, I can send you one. Take care, Ron B. Edited July 31, 2010 by MartyT Link inserted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted July 31, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2010 Hi Ron B, Thanks for your reply and I will definitely look into finding the book you mentioned... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted July 31, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2010 Hi All, I have decided to phone my doctor and tell her that I can not do the appointment it is just too stressful for me and I am having panic attacks alot and I just can not handle this anymore... Having a very hard time right now... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted August 22, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 22, 2010 Hi All, Just wanted to you know things are going better for me, until last night that is... I had a really bad dream it starts when I am entering my therapist Suzanne's office and she asks me how my week has gone... I reply by saying I hurt my hand and show her my arm which is cut at the wrist and is bleeding really bad and I wake up than and start crying... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Robert27 Posted August 22, 2010 Report Share Posted August 22, 2010 Let me say Shelley I am sorry your haveing these dreams, What you need to do is realize that this is a dream and Not the present, and try your best to ignore the bad dream, Try your hardest I know its hard but to put your attention on anything postive, Remeber We are all pulling for you, and We all are here for you, and Support you. Take Care Shelley. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted September 11, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 11, 2010 Hi All, I think I have had a relapse or something but today I am very low and have not left my room and really do not care what is happening outside my door... I am still in my pjs and have no thought of doing anything... I have been really happy lately and now what has happen to me that I feel the bad things all over again... I have even had suicidal thoughts too... I just do not understand how this can happen after being so very happy... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 11, 2010 Report Share Posted September 11, 2010 Shelley, dear ~ I don't know why you're feeling like this today, but has it occurred to you what this date is? You may find this article of interest: September 11 Was a Weepy Day for Me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron B. Posted September 11, 2010 Report Share Posted September 11, 2010 Shelley, I have those days too when I can't get out of my pajamas or get outside. Unexpected mood swings happen. Even after things have been going well, and even when we see clear milestones of our own progress, days can still go bad. Don't make too much of it! For the longest time we have been caught up in our own grief, and sometimes it's just hard to shake off. The main thing is that you know of your own progress in finding work, and that's something that is so good, so right, that you need to mark the occasion and somehow reward yourself. I do not know what things are uplifting for you, whether going for walks, going out to eat, calling friends, posting here, or whatever. I think you deserve to treat yourself really well in any way that you can. Not necessarily right now, but when you feel it's right. Sometimes we actually have to learn how to feel good again, after having felt bad for such a long time. Learning how to feel good again may not be that easy. Even that takes work! Just do a few small things now and then that make you feel good. Eventually the small things will bloom into active interests and activities, and residual gloom will lift. It may take some time to put sullen days behind us, but eventually we can raise our own self esteem and raise our own outlook on life. Don't get discouraged! Ron B. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted September 20, 2010 Report Share Posted September 20, 2010 Hi All, I think I have had a relapse or something but today I am very low and have not left my room and really do not care what is happening outside my door... I am still in my pjs and have no thought of doing anything... I have been really happy lately and now what has happen to me that I feel the bad things all over again... I have even had suicidal thoughts too... I just do not understand how this can happen after being so very happy... Shelley ((HUGS)) Shelley, I hope you have had some better days since this day. Niamh xox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindakay Posted September 21, 2010 Report Share Posted September 21, 2010 Hi All, I am so thankful that I believe in God and know that suicide is a sin, because the way I have been feeling if I did not believe in God I think I would have joined my parents and got out of this world...Shelley I don't believe it is a sin. I believe you have a purpose in life. If you take your own life, you'll have to start over to do that purpose. I'll tell you another reason not to do it. My husband did it. He wrote me over a hundred love poems. Told me he loved me forever but didn't want to live anymore. Don't ever do this to people that love you. It leaves them in such pain when they know they couldn't help them. God has a purpose and honoring the ones that are gone are part of it. If your prents were alive and you committed suicide/how would they have felt. They wouldn't want that now even. Yes, they know. Read some of the other links. They know. LindaKay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted December 12, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 12, 2010 Hi All, I am so glad to think the way of it being a sin because if I did not believe this I would all ready be gone... I just do not feel like I really have anything else to live for... My family does not understand me and I have no close friends anymore... When my parents died I died somewhat inside too... And with Christmas coming fast it will be very difficult for me to do anything but cry or be so emotional I just do not want it anymore... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 Shelly, I see your pain and I am just so sorry that you are having trouble finding anything to live for...I pray that you can live with this feeling until it passes because it will...and you will once again see all kinds of reasons to live for....pain is all encompassing at times, consuming our every hour, blinding us to any Light, and Hope. Shelley, the Light and the Hope are still there, they have not abandon you, they just know that this pain you are feeling is a neccesary part of this journey of grief and they are respectfully waiting for you when it is right for you to see them again. I have a rock that has the word hope on it and it goes everywhere with me. I care Shelly and I pray you find the courage to weather your pain so Hope and Light are in plain view again. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted January 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2011 Hi All, Yes I am still here, I had a very rough Christmas and many, many times I thought of ending it but managed somehow to make it through... My therapist sat me down last week and told me that I had to promise her that if things got really bad that I would call her right away and she would get help for me... A matter of fact she would not let me leave her office until I did because she knew things were really bad for me... I told her that she would be the first one I called and that I would not do it... She asked me a whole bunch of questions about my feelings and the way I was thinking and she wrote alot of things down... I still have the thought but I will keep my promise.. Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted January 15, 2011 Report Share Posted January 15, 2011 I'm glad you're still here Shelley and we are all here with you. I was only thinking of you today actually wondering how you were....weird!! Christmas was rough for me too,I'm so glad it's over and when I meet people I haven't seen since before I still have trouble even just hearing them talk of it.it's done for a year and I don't want to think of it. It's good you have such a kind caring therapist, I really hope you find that helpful. We are always here too so write whenever you feel like it. Sending lots of love and a big hug to you Niamh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted January 16, 2011 Report Share Posted January 16, 2011 Dear Shelley, I am so happy to hear from you. I am so proud of you for continuing to choose life! I want to remind you what a blessing you are to yourself, to us, to the world. I am very grateful that you have committed to keeping your promise to your therapist. I know so well what it feels like to loose someone to suicide! My Wife, my Brother, and my Sister all committed suicide and left me behind to somehow put my life all back together again! It is still a work in progress for me. My heart weeps for you! I hope you can take in that we all love, care and support you and that you are a GIFT to this world to BEHOLD! I have no idea why but for some reason I feel this strong pull to share a poem I wrote after my 5 year old cat dies suddenly. I call these pulls whispers from God and I never ignore them! I encourage you to keep choosing life Shelley. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann STREET CAT Born unto me under my own power and will Taken from me beyond my power and will It hurts beyond what words alone can describe But then you always were one in your own tribe Free you were in your home here with me Gently showing me it is all right to be free Dare I go on without you here? I hear you Street loud and clear Go on now my dear Mom Carol Ann, you say I am here, in the air, in your dreams, in your play Go on now my Mom and do your part Please keep an open heart Rain, flowers, pussy willows, butterflies Clouds in the grand skies Mom, I am everywhere now It is hard to know how Life's most beautiful moment yet Beyond the last layers of your cocoon I bet Let it continue to fall away Then you will now the secrets of my play Written September 26, 2003 By: Carol Ann © Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted January 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2011 Hi Carol Anne, Thanks for all your kindness and for sharing the wonderful peom with me... It is because of people like you that I am still here on the earth and will continue to be here as long as there are people that are supportive and understanding.. I am truly feeling better but each day is a struggle and with faith I manage to move along... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted January 17, 2011 Report Share Posted January 17, 2011 Dear Shelley, I am the one who is so grateful for you and your courage! I understand that each day is a struggle but I want you to know that the struggle becomes less and less as time passes. I am so PROUD of you for all the HARD work that I know it takes and you are DOING it! BRAVO! If you have never read the book Women Who Run with The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, I highly recommend it! You are a special treasured gift to the world Shelley. I am honoured to have met you! I encourage you to keep the Faith! Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted January 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 Hi All, Well I managed through a very rough weekend looking after my one neice and two nephews for four days straight with no breaks and when my sister came home i barely heard a thank you for doing it... I am also really sick again and was sick all weekend while looking after the kids... I received a calendar for doing all this hard work... I was so very upset that I was tempted to finish it just to end all the pain I am in... I wanted to be done with it all but something would not let me do it to myself... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teddy and Toby's mom Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 I see that you like scrapbooking. I do also, and I love to make greeting cards. I can't sit down and find the inspiration somehow. But maybe you can. Maybe you can use your scrapbooking as a way of pouring out your feelings. Honor your loved ones by making pages about them. This world needs people like you that have creative genius. We all need you and know this - you are in a safe place here. Thanks goodness I found this site. I'm not here often, but when I am, I go on and on and on........ get those scrapbooking punches and glue strips and embellishments and let it all out. We all care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 Dear Shelly, I am sorry your weekend was rough and sorry you are not feeling well. I know when I don't feel well, it makes everything so much harder. Good for you for pushing through. I am PROUD of you. I am sending you an abundance of healing energy, and hope you are soon feeling well again and the mountains don't seem insurmountable once again. I understand Shelley, I want to encourage you to keep searching and finding and hanging onto to those "somethings" because they are you and you alone own them and you are gift to behold! I have a fridge magnet Shelley and it reads: I have always known that at last I would take this road but I did not know yesterday that it woud be today.....K. Rexroth Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted January 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 Hi All, Well I had another session with my therapist and she is helping me get ready to tell the family about all the abuse my dad did to me...She is holding a family therapy session in her office in about two weeks for this to be done... I am working so hard on the words that I will say to them and I hope that they are not to hurt to hear them and they will understand why I did not tell them earlier or why I did not say anything to anyone else... I believe that my dad had problems and that he needed help but did not get it... I do feel forgiveness for him but I will have to do more to be able to say I love him... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 Dear Shelley, I want you to know that I know how hard this will be for you. I know that it will take so much courage. I also know that it is your right to speak the TRUTH! I want you to think on me being right there alongside as you tell your family what your dad did to you. I want you also to know that we can not control how another will react when they learn the TRUTH! We can only control our own reactions! I know from experience Shelley that it is just that which will set you FREE....SPEAKING THE TRUTH! I am so PROUD you! I UNDERSTAND and SUPPORT you! I also want you to know that if you get started and suddenly feels like you do not want to go through with it. I will UNDERSTAND! I will still be PROUD of you! I will still SUPPORT you! You are in CONTROL of WHO you tell, WHAT you tell, and WHEN you tell! Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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