I Am Lost

[nats]

Bill,

This quote from you hit home hard... "This anger thing has me worried even though I have been told it's normal it doesn't suit me too well right now. My wife and I spent a lot of time really learning how to soak up the joys in our lives over the years and now I hate this feeling. She told me if something happened to her she wanted me to carry on and keep living the life we started. I would like to think that I can keep that promise to her but at this point I can't see it".WOW

I felt like I posted this, first the anger, I just scream at the top of my lungs in my car or in private asking why?why?why? as I cry and cry seems to help(the pillows sound good Korina mentioned also going to try that)....second my Ruth and I also had numerous conversations about me going on, beacuse we knew all the chemo, radiation, and more chemo that she was still going to leave me, I use my promise to her to go on drive me daily because I can't bear the thought of disappointing her by not going on, I never did when she was here so not going to now,(yes sitting here just balling my eyes out)so I encourage you to keep taking it at your pace, reflect on the memories and the special place in your heart she has because nothing can take that away (I tell people that alot cause it is so true and helps me) focus on the relationship with the boys at everyones pace, and allow those times you laugh to generate some positve energy for you...we are all here for you and it helps us helping each other get thru this, I've learned this early thanks to a niece of Ruth's who lost her husband about 9 months ago...take care

NATS

[Billw]

NATS, I really appreciate your replies. I believe you are the Bass fisherman. Some of your posts really hit home with me. My wife and I fished together a lot and really enjoyed it. We bought a canoe a couple years ago and started fishing the mountain lakes. Last spring she had finished a brutal round of chemo and we decided to get out for a few days. We had a blast, the last day she was casting a lure and the bale stuck on her reel and she hooked me right in the side of the face. We went all the way back across the lake with the lure stuck in my face and cut it out when we got back. She felt horrible but I assured her that was part of fishing. The boys loved that story and we laughed the other night til we damn near cried. God I miss that girl. We had so much fun together, we really spent a lot of time outside, camping, fishing and living the life. We shared a closeness in whatever we did, it makes me sick to think that's gone. The memories are great, it's the reality right now that kinda sucks.

[nats]

Bill,

I'll be honest it does suck in fact it's worse than that but it does get eaiser but we have to work things out inside ourselves

and understand we must rebuild our lives at our own pace and without our loved one here on earth but they are still indeed with us...

It sounds like you have wonderful memories of some very special times, theres nothing like being in Gods country, you two sound like your love and closeness was much like mine and Ruth's that I know is special and I can relate to your refrence to the loved shared that some people spend a lifetime together and never even come close to sharing that kind of love and closeness...oh and the fishing that was our special thing she loved it she'd do anything to go, she was leary at first due to fear or water but I eased her in and built her trust and after she caught her first one she was hooked, that's my only regret is we didn't get to go one more time before she left, but my son and I went 2 weeks ago (first time boats been out without her) and I carry a small pocket urn with some of her ashes in my pocket and sat in her seat that day so she was with us and will continue to go when I go, but it won't be the same without her for sure...anyway I keep myself going like I said with her in my mind and heart doing what I know she'd want me to do, in fact the other day I went and got chain saw on a pole and spent a few hours cutting down some scrub palms she never liked, it was hard doing yard work at first also because we did it together but now I find it's good for me, for body, mind and soul, cause I feel her presence in the yard...your welcome for the replies it's makes me feel good to sahre and if I can offer 1 minute of comfort to someone my post/reply was worth it, because I sure get many minutes of comfort here and reading replies to me as well as other peoples replies from all the supporting members, keep coming back and we'll all work thru this together...I also attend some local Hospice group greif support groups and find it very helpful...

Take Care

NATS

[Billw]

I was reading through some other posts about having to go back to a place were your loved one has passed. I'm sitting in the room right now where my wife left us and I thought at one time before she died that it might feel strange or might bother me to be here but it is just the opposite, it brings me comfort to be here and to know her spirit is still in this house ("spirit" not in a spooky or weird sense). This is exactly where she wanted to be. I feel for the people who had to be in the hospital when they left us God knows that's the last place they wanted to be. I still cry when I drive by the clinic or the Dr.'s office that my wife was treated at, so I can easily identify with those horrible feelings. Good Bless you guys.

BW

[Aquarius7]

Bill,

I am so sorry for your loss. From what I have read from your recent posts, it sounds like you are at least doing a little better. It also sounds like you had the most wonderful wife you could have. As I am sure you are, be thankful to God that He blessed you with such a wonderful wife and children. Many people go through life alone and never know the joys you had. I know it does not make it any easier though. I am so sorry. Taking your wife's ashes with you fishing and chopping down the palm scrubs sounds like a great thing to do. And it is great that you can sit in the room and feel her spirit. You are on the right track my man.

[Billw]

I have so much gratitude in my life for every second I spent with my wife. The boys are a blessing, part of the icing on an already full cake. I guess that's part of my confusion. I have all of this gratitude for everything, and at the same time I'm angry and resentful, I have never been this out of touch with my emotions in my life. I can't make up my mind what the heck I am from one minute to the next. I am reaching out and I have been told all so often that it is going to take time, I related to the girl on another post that said she wanted a year to be over with now. At the same time I realize I need every minute of this experience to get me where ever I am headed in the future. We went through some pretty hairy scrapes together and always got through. I miss her loving support and kindness when I feel like crap, nobody else even compares. That woman smiled every time I walked in the room and it just melted my heart.

BW

[Suzanne R.]

I am wandering aimlessly through the house. I feel lost. My wife passed on the 29th of April after a year and 4 month battle with ovarian cancer. She was only 54 years old. She tried so hard to recover but it took over her bones and the pain was horrible. Through her fight she never complained, she did everything she was told and worked through chemo, radiation, and every torture known to mankind to try to live a few more years. I have never felt this way about any other human on the face of the earth. My heart is literally aching. I am sick of hearing the typical remarks about how she is not suffering anymore and she is in a better place. I want her here with me where she belongs. I know that is not in God's plan but in mine. I know I am full of anger and resentment right now, the thing that angers me most is not the fact that He took her but how she was tortured before she was allowed to leave. I am seeking counseling right now, and I hope this is not offensive to this forum. I know there are a lot of people out there and I am not alone but it sure feels like it right now.

Dear Billw,

I know exactly how you feel, I really do and I know because I feel the same way. I wander from one room to the next, only watching safe TV (meaning not anything that Dan and I used to watch together), I can't bear listening to any music, and thoughts just come to me of memories I don't wish to have right now. Only those who are going through this horrific ordeal of living while their spouse is gone can know. There are a few who have insight, but they are not living it. I have crying spells, anger, depression, dark thoughts, I avoid my husband's pictures, and with these feelings and thoughts I even have alienated a few people. I can't help how I feel and I know in my heart I cannot be truly happy again. Life is only livable a day at a time right now for me and I'm doing what I can. It's been 4 months ago today that my husband passed away at the age of 61 from a reoccurance of esophageal cancer. Two years ago he had 28 radiation treatments, 1 chemo treatment (Dan was supposed to get more but he refused which I was told didn't matter in the end) and the treatments caused him to have dysphagia which means every 6 weeks his esophagus kept closing and he had to undergo a stretching of the esophagus every 2 months because he choked on food that got stuck. It would fill a whole page if I explained further all he went through in the last 3 years of his life. The last 11 radiation treatments he got in August of 09 didn't get the reoccurance. He finally rested in peace after going through so much pain on January 22, 2010. I also want Danny alive and well, my worst fear is being 95 years old and looking at his picture saying, "Oh yes, I remember him, he was a good man," which may happen being that I'm 56. I feel like I'm the only one that's going through this but I know that there are millions going through these same feelings. I finally reached out for help because all I want to do is isolate and I feel so heartbroken and burdened I can't see any way out but to let others know how I feel. I've been told that these feelings you and all of us are having are "normal" for those who are grieving. Just please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.

God bless,

Suzanne

[Billw]

I went to talk to a counselor today (first trip) and she touched briefly on some of the things we have witnessed as caregivers for our loved ones and it is truly a horrible thing to watch. My wife was a very strong independent person much the same as your husband probably was and to see them go through this torture with some of the treatments, surgeries, and the disease alone is just traumatizing to us. She said we will be coming back to that area later and I will learn how to use some tools to help me get through some of that. I hope it works because when I flash back on some of that stuff it is really brutal. I believe there is strength in numbers and you guys have all helped me through this week. Thanks again Suzanne.

BW

[Billw]

bw

[golden48]

Greetings,

I am ever grateful for answered prayers, my husband was told he had 6 to 12 months to live, but he passed away within the first month, prostate cancer had spread to his bones.

My prayer partners prayed, my loving husband would not suffer, but for him to be taken quickly, except we never anticipated the quickness of his passing, he was admitted to the hospital on a thursday and by Sunday he died, surrounded by those who loved him so.

Due to my deep love for him, I would have wanted him to be around for much longer, at the same time,I realised by staying alive his quality of life would no longer be there and that was something he would not have wanted. The hardest decision I made, was to let him know when the time came not to hold back but to let go to and rest in the Lord Jesus Christ.

It is now close to 10 months since his demise, there are good and sad days, i do miss him lots, but with the Lord in my life i am able to move on day by day.

Bill, I am sorry for your loss, it is good to voice your anger, frustration at the Lord, for if anyone who understand what you are going through it is Him. Rightly or wrongly, the Lord seems to be blamed for all disasters and it might be time to ponder who is the ruler of the earth....what does the Bible say.......

In his Grip,

jessie

[closs86]

Hi Bill

I am so sorry for your loss, and all you went through. I am glad that you got to a counselor, I am trying to find one now, I go to a few grief counseling goups, but I might need one on one. My husband also passed of pancreatic cancer on April 6th and I am so lost, I know what you are talking about, my emotions are crazy, anger, frustration, knots in my stomach, chest and throat, how do we deal with this giant loss in our lives. this void, this half of us that is gone. my husband was diagnosed and passed in 3 weeks, he was a healthy man up until then, we walked every day 3 miles, ate well, big deal, I am having a really bad day today, my son and grandsons were here today, and it seems when they leave, I really crash, I miss him so much, I think the pain is getting worse. What do we do?

Hoping we find some peace

Karen

[Billw]

I don't know what to do or what the answer is other than to keep reaching out to others. We have all suffered huge loss in our lives. As I said earlier, I went for my first visit today with a counselor and I feel good about moving in a direction. My wife and I have always been "action" people, we found that sitting alone in our own heads can be a dangerous place at times. Thank God we have resources to use today. This site has helped me to open up a little and get some of this stuff out in front of me where I can see it. I was hesitant to say the least to share with strangers some of the stuff that has been going through my head. Now I find my self getting into action, even if it is just sitting here reading and typing, it beats the heck out of sitting here staring at the wall. Something happens when we put pen to paper, it kind of clears some of the mud off of things we can't see. I hope you feel better Karin.

BW

[nats]

Hi Bill,

Glad you saw the counselor it'll do good, yes we all have a common bond here we've all lost our special loved one, best friends, companions and truely our other 1/2's all at the same time unlike other people in ours lives who have joined God this is by far the toughest, my Grandmother was tough and my Father was hard but this is way harder than those they were hard but this is just straight out life changing because we spent everyday with them and I'm finding that caregivers have an even harder time as i'm told in counseling...I am so glad you have found some comfort knowing her "spirit" is there just as I have found that Ruth's is here with me and if I doubt it I just talk to her and ask her to let me feel her...keep posting and stay in touch we'll all get thru another week together....

NATS

[alone27]

Hi Bill - Totally understand your feelings of being lost - with all the well intentioned friends and family around me, I still feel as if a huge chunk of me is missing - a hole in my body that just can't get filled. My darling Joel passed away totally unexpectedly on March 5th - thought we had so much to look forward to, so many more years to share....even though we were High School sweethearts and were married 44 years, saw a future together. I was wrong....and I am so angry (at exactly who, I don't know) that our hopes and dreams were just smashed. Seeing a grief counselor 1 on 1 has been of some comfort - at least I can say all the weird things I'm feeling without feeling ashamed or embarrassed.

I wish you and all the people who are moving through the grief process with us on this forum, some peace. I fe3el as if I am existing, but not living.

[Billw]

27, We are not alone or weird or unique. The more I hang out with you guys the more I see that. I am very angry with God right now as I stated in previous posts, how I get over that I don't have a clue. I have depended on a higher power for years to get me through things and now I feel like I have been dumped beside the road. I know that is not so but it sure feels like it. I ask daily "why? it's not fair!! and all that other stuff we do. I don't expect I'll get any answer soon. I am like you guys; just looking for some peace with all of this. A friend of mine says when we have a resentment for someone who we feel has wronged us that we are to pray for them as we would any other sick person. I have used that for some years and it does work. How the heck do you pray for God when you feel he has wronged you?

BW

[nats]

Bill,

You have to trust me on this one, write a letter to God it can't hurt you had the answer in one of your post "Something happens when we put pen to paper, it kind of clears some of the mud off of things we can't see". well you can do it on the PC if you want then read it...after that do what you will with it delete it, burn it if on paper or keep it, I've learned many things during this process but one stands out, try and do anything (within reason) to find comfort and conquer each challange and feeling head on because for each one conquered the pain gets less and your feelings take a change and the grieving becomes rebuilding...God's not done with all of us yet and we've been chosen for a reason "not dumped beside the road" we are his children I think he's teaching us, I can say I'm not real happy about the lesson or being one of the chosen but we have no choice...so I pray each night for comfort and strength, I ask Ruth for strength and I give God thanks for all the love, passion, friendship, and companionship I've experienced with Ruth and ask that when it's my time please expidite my being reunited in the kingdom of God and life everlasting with my wife...

so I'll leave you with the one of the most comforting scriptures....

"I tell you the truth, if anyone keeps my word, he will never see death" John 8:51

Take care of yourself...

NATS

[Billw]

Thanks NATS, that sounds like good solid action. I just have to beat my head against the wall before I can turn loose of some of these things. I'm not quite to willingness on that one yet but I know deep down every time I've done the work it moves me closer to the peace I'm looking for. I've used anger for years to keep people away and it works great. My wife reminded me daily how good life is and that it too damn short to walk around her mad at the world. She brought out the peaceful grateful side of me I never knew I had. I will find it again, I just gotta keep looking and asking. Thanks again for the eye opener NATS I will at least set the pad an pen on the counter today.

[closs86]

Hi everyone,

I am pretty angry also, but I don;t know at who, I am just lost and don't know why this had to happen, We were going along great, happy, he was retired enjoying himself, only 60, and then boom. I don;t know if I can live alone, I am having a hard time, I was at home with my mother, then I got married and was with John for 43 years, never alone, this is very very strange for me, and I don;t know if I can do it. The only alternative would be something that is not good, but I don;t know what is going to happen, I am very depressed tonight

Take care of yourself

karen

[Frank G]

Hi karen,we're in the same boat and riding the same stormy waves.

We were married at 19yo.so I went straight from mother to June and after 47 years married I lost her last December.We were to retire in July (we worked together as carpenters) but this was not to be.I am also finding it hard to live on my own and get used to my own cooking etc.but we've got no choice.Just try and be strong and remember all the good things.Make sure you eat properly because you need to stay healthy to get through these difficult times.

All take care Frank...

[kayc]

Bill,

How long were you married? George and I were best friends for 6 1/2 years but only got to be married 3 years 8 months to the day...but I honestly believe there was never anyone closer than what we were, we did everything together and truly adored each other. It is understandable to feel angry, and it is good for you to come here and let out your feelings so it's not bottled up. You're right also about the triggers...I remember running across food that I'd bought for George and never got to serve him. My daughter and I cooked and ate it in his memory but it was bittersweet and I asked God if maybe he couldn't fix some of it in heaven for him while he waits. I'm sure your wife will be the first one to greet you when you get there.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[closs86]

Hi Bill

We are all searching for answers that cannot be answered, we just have to get used to the idea that they are gone and we are alone, and I don't know how to do that, Eating has become a chore, and I eat anything just for survival, we used to eat so healthy, for what, it did nothing, so now I just eat anything so that I won't faint. I don't know what is going to be, I drove for the first time in years today, I took his hat with me and sat it on the seat besides me and said you better help me do this, and he did, I drove all around, I surprised myself, I know that he was beside me.

I don't know what is in the future, all i know is today, and not even that, it is very strange.

Hope that we all find some ;peace,

Karen

[Billw]

We were together sixteen years, married for fifteen of it. Like I said in earlier posts, we bumped heads a little in the very beginning but once we picked a direction and headed there we didn't stop. We let nothing stand in the way our happiness, we worked hard and set goals and either met or exceeded most all of them. We found that we had similar values, morals, and good strong work ethic. We really enjoyed each other to the fullest. When she got sick things took a drastic change but she was no push over, if things didn't work out like she planned she found a new plan, she worked her ass off to try to recover but she just couldn't catch up. That is one of the parts I struggle with the most is her strong desire to keep going only to be shut down completely and rejected at the end. That's where a lot of my hard feelings towards the creator of all of this comes in. I know she wouldn't want me moping around the house so I am forcing myself to do anything I can to carry on the daily grind. I have taken measures to get some outside help with all of this as I know she would tell me to. She always said "What's greater the pain or the fear?" They are both kicking my butt tonight Honey.

BW

[nats]

Bill,

I also have issues with how hard my Ruth fought and the faith she had in God that she would beat it, only to be taken home in the end, but I cannot be mad at God for he is in control and situations like this reminds us all...yes your correct I did not know your wife but if she is as you say she would want you to continue just as Ruth wanted me to go on and continue living my life....Ruth joked with me she said "what are you going to do the first time you bring a date home, tell her to wait in the car while you put my urn away" and then she'd laugh and I told her no it would stay in place and if and when that happened the person would have to accept that or we would not work out...I'm working 45-50 hours per week and that helps as Im in retail and see between 150-300 people each day on my shift, keeping the house and yard up just as if she were here....try and keep positive and take it slow...things will get easier but we will always have those days I'm sure...

NATS

[Billw]

Hey NATS, Still haven't picked up the pen and put it to paper on the (God part) yet. I get out to work for my ten hour reprieve (somewhat) just going through the motions right now. Thank God I can fake it right now down there, work has been real patient with me. I have some huge projects coming up in the next few months and I'm going to have to shift gears some how and get my act together to be able to cover this job. I'm lucky to have good help too they have worked hard to cover while I have been gone. I know I'll get through all of that, it's the home work that is beating me up right now.

BW

[nats]

Hi Bill,

Well we have no time limit or deadline we have to meet with grieving, I think some of us wish we could hurry things along but then would we be healed? I don't think I'll ever really heal from the loss I don't think anyone does we just learn to cope better...

I've been going out on Mondays with a niece of my wife's who lost her husband 10 months ago and that helps as we have something to talk about and share over dinner and it's good to have some company, my wife and I we're very private not a lot of friends so having the few I do have means a lot...my boys are a big help but Ruth was there step mother and they didn't know her very well and sometimes I truely think they don't know what to say when they see there Dad cry his eyes out but they listen as I ramble at times and I know they love me so that's all that matters...anyway glad you are finding some comfort and I pray it continues....

Take care....

NATS