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There's a whole lot of talk about time in this deal and I am sure this will get better in time. I have worked on this resentment with God a little this week and know that this will bring resolution when I can surrender. I am so stubborn sometimes like I said before, I have to take the beating before I can give it up. I miss my girl and I can feel her here sometimes I just wish I could have her back. When I feel at my lowest I try to reach out and talk to people, I'm glad to have a place where I am understood. I am trying to share with some others on this site that are hurting as I know helping someone else brings comfort to them and me. Thanks to all of you, take care.

BW

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I have found that sharing with others and hopefully helping them has in turn, brought me comfort and a degree of accomplishment/self-worth.

Take care,

Korna

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Hi Bill

It is so hard to deal with what we have been dealt, Today i was in and out of the house all day long, doing a lot of nothing, normally Johnny and I would be walking or taking a ride now there is no one, I know that he is with me all the time, I feel it. but I can't see him, I know that I will be with him oneday, but it won't come to soon. We were together 44 years, so half of me is gone, and I will never get it back, I talk to him and write to him all the time, maybe I lost it, but it helps me cope. I lost him on April 6, and I still am shocked by it.

Take care

Karen

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I started a list of all the stuff we put on hold when my wife got sick. She told me a few months ago that if things took a turn for the worst she wanted me to finish the things we started. A lot of it was work on the house and yard and the rest was about trips and adventures we planned for before and after we had stopped working. I've started picking at the stuff around the house but it just doesn't feel right without her input, she had great vision for projects in the works, she was very creative and had a good eye for detail. W e have a beautiful home that she decorated and it just does not feel right for me to try to finish things without her. Luckily she left me some paint and carpet samples that she had picked out. I'll have to use my best judgment on the rest. As far as the trips go, there's no way I can even think of going, I just let one reservation go for next week on a trip we were supposed to take. I went down to the hardware store to get some stuff and I had a melt down after I got home, I'm trying to stay busy and keep my mind occupied but it always runs right back to her. I miss her so bad it makes me physically ache. Thanks for posting guys, I really appreciate it.

BW

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Hi Bill

I have the physical ache in my body also, from my throat to my stomach, that tight feeling inside, somedays it is better than others, but it is always there. A counselor told me that the feeling is true heartache, that is what it is. I also try to keep very busy, but Johnny never leaves my mind no matter what I am doing, he is always there. He also had plans to open a bike repair shop this summer, he had collected everything he needed and was going to rent a store and try it. But it never came to be, he was so excited about it. Then the stomach ache, and in a total of 6 weeks he was gone. 3 weeks in Sloane Kettering Cancer Center, Manhattan, and they couldn't help him, it had spread to his liver and the fluid around his stomach, no symptoms, how could that be, nothing until the stomach ache. It is hard for me to understand that. Besides he was very strong and healthy, ate right, walked 2 to 3 miles every day, so what happened??????

Well sorry I had to vent a little

Hope you have a good sleep tonight

Karen

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Hi Bill,

Glad you got a start on the letter....the list is good also that's what I've been doing a little at a time some things are hard because we were working on the projects together but I'm getting thru them slowly and some not on the list that she wanted done I've already finished....been getting hurricane supplies list ready and going to get tomorrow....I pray we have no storms as it will be scary riding them out alone, I have 2 dogs and shelters don't take them....you sound like your doing better and on the right path, keeping busy is important in moving forward with our changed lives...I'm project bond tomorrow finishing a shelf for Ruth's memorial I've been staining the pieces and going to put another coat on tomorrow and hang shelf, it's going to hold her urn and pictures along with some silk flowers...the aches are bad at times and I still have long crying spells as well but thats OK tears are good for us...so take care, keep busy and conquer at your own pace indeed it will make you feel better....

NATS

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Thanks guys, I faked it pretty good today at work. I actually got some work done. When I got home all hell broke loose again, I have never been this out of control in my life. I hate this!! I'm doing some one on one counseling and I don't go back until Thursday night. I went last week for my third visit and felt like I got a small bit of relief for a day or two. This is the worst it's gotten for a few weeks. I miss her so bad I can't hardly stand it. I can only stay so busy and do so much in a day to try to distract myself. I'm trying to forgive God right now NATS, I'm on my knees every morning asking but it just about chokes me to do it. I love that girl more than anything on this planet and I want her back. Acceptance of this one seems impossible at this point.

BW

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All I can say is that I still wonder if all this has really happened - isn't it just a bad dream. In my experience, real acceptance takes a long time. You are probably getting through the numb stage right now, and a little bit a reality is hitting home. I was numb for at least a month, during which time I don't really remember sleeping. I do remember being at his funeral, being introduced to people, and thinking, "Hmm, I am the grieving widow. Maybe I should put a sad look on my face." I felt like I was watching the whole scene from within a plexiglass room. Once the numbness wore down, I had episodes where it was akin to being punched in the stomach - such unbelievable sadness that could double me over; and an ache in my heart that pervaded my waking moments.

I will say, however, that though the ache has not gone, it no longer pervades my thoughts. As others have put it in other posts, the grief simply becomes a part of who you are, and though it doesn't control you, it will always be in your heart. I am able to laugh about our times together with friends (strangely, I have always been able to do this, right from the beginning, maybe because I have always loved telling stories about Scott); can't quite laugh when I am alone, though...

Hang in there,

Korina

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I am wandering aimlessly through the house. I feel lost. My wife passed on the 29th of April after a year and 4 month battle with ovarian cancer. She was only 54 years old. She tried so hard to recover but it took over her bones and the pain was horrible. Through her fight she never complained, she did everything she was told and worked through chemo, radiation, and every torture known to mankind to try to live a few more years. I have never felt this way about any other human on the face of the earth. My heart is literally aching. I am sick of hearing the typical remarks about how she is not suffering anymore and she is in a better place. I want her here with me where she belongs. I know that is not in God's plan but in mine. I know I am full of anger and resentment right now, the thing that angers me most is not the fact that He took her but how she was tortured before she was allowed to leave. I am seeking counseling right now, and I hope this is not offensive to this forum. I know there are a lot of people out there and I am not alone but it sure feels like it right now.

Hi bill, this is my first post just registered after reading a few posts. I lost my beloved husband on may 18 which is the very day of your original post. still raw and have a very long lonely road ahead but I think it will help to share with you and others going through the same thing. June 21 would have been our 30 year wedding anniversary. we were soulmates and shared everything. So lost now and am crying as I type this. We had so many wonderful years together and I feel blessed to have had those years but also feel robbed of any hope of true happiness in the future. my husband was such a kind, generous, and compassionate man whom I loved with all my heart. My children, parents, friends have been wonderful but the one who was always been there for me is gone and all I can think is what am I supposed to do now?

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Hi Bill

Today was a little better for me, I wasen't so angry today, I went to some friends, I was very worried about this luncheon because my husbands best friend since they were teens is part of this group, and I was worried how I would handle it, but after the initial greetings and hugs it was OK, I had a decent day and got past another hurdle, We have a lot of changes to make in our lives, it was so strange to be at their house all of us without my husband, I knew he was there with us in spirit, but I wish I could see him. I miss him so much, my life is changed forever, don't really know what is ahead of me.

Take Care

Karen

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Hi bill, this is my first post just registered after reading a few posts. I lost my beloved husband on may 18 which is the very day of your original post. still raw and have a very long lonely road ahead but I think it will help to share with you and others going through the same thing. June 21 would have been our 30 year wedding anniversary. we were soulmates and shared everything. So lost now and am crying as I type this. We had so many wonderful years together and I feel blessed to have had those years but also feel robbed of any hope of true happiness in the future. my husband was such a kind, generous, and compassionate man whom I loved with all my heart. My children, parents, friends have been wonderful but the one who was always been there for me is gone and all I can think is what am I supposed to do now?

Myra, I'm crying with you, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. This has been a good spot for me to vent a little and find others that really know how I feel. I have used this site over the last month when I feel overwhelmed, lonely, or just flat out insane. There is safety in numbers and it relieves some of the anxiety for me to post even if people don't reply. There is something calming for me when I talk about my wife and tell part of our story. I love my wife dearly as I am sure you do your husband and there just aren't words to describe the emptiness we feel. I have to know that we will meet up again some day when I leave this earth but until then I am still trying to figure out what the heck to do with myself. Hang in there and keep his memories close.

BW

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Hi Bill

Today was a little better for me, I wasen't so angry today, I went to some friends, I was very worried about this luncheon because my husbands best friend since they were teens is part of this group, and I was worried how I would handle it, but after the initial greetings and hugs it was OK, I had a decent day and got past another hurdle, We have a lot of changes to make in our lives, it was so strange to be at their house all of us without my husband, I knew he was there with us in spirit, but I wish I could see him. I miss him so much, my life is changed forever, don't really know what is ahead of me.

Take Care

Karen

Glad you had a good day Karen, it gives me some hope. I have a BBQ planned for next weekend for my some close friends of ours that were unable to make it to her memorial, we plan to share some food, stories, and fellowship to celebrate her life. She always enjoyed the BBQ and pool parties we had here several times a summer. It just won't be the same without her, but nothing is the same without her. I am working on the anger, as I have said before that emotion just doesn't suit me well in this situation. I think we all have a long road ahead Karen. Thanks for checking in.

BW

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Hi Bill

Bad day today for me, emotional roller coaster, 2 months yesterday since he left, his birthday is the 13th so maybe that is all part of my emotions. I hope that somehow we start to feel some comfort and peace.

Take care

karen

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Hi Karen, unfortunately I had the same kind of day today. I had to attend a class for work at a big training facility and during one of the breaks I went to the restroom and on the way out all of the sudden out of nowhere I was overcome with grief and started to break down. This is a very strange feeling and very hard to explain to complete strangers, luckily for me nobody was around and I was able to pull it together before class started again. I hate this feeling but now it almost is starting to feel normal. How messed up is that? Keep your husband's memories close and wish him a happy birthday for me, try to enjoy the day and I'll try to do the same. Take care Karen. Wishing the best for all of us,BW

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Bill, dear ~ You ask, "How messed up is that?" But the fact that your experience felt almost normal is one of those subtle indicators that you are making steady and forward progress in your grief journey. Each time we have one of those "STUGs" and recognize them for what they are (sudden, temporary upsurges of grief), we learn from our own experience that although they happen suddenly and unexpectedly, they are common, they are temporary, and we will get through them safely. Oftentimes the signs of progress in grief are so subtle and so gradual that we don't even notice we are moving forward. Noticing these moments helps us to become aware of our own healing, and gives us hope for the future.

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HI Bill

How r u?, I had a pretty lousy day today, I worked, but the anticipation of my husband's bithday is overwhelming to me. I think of last year, we had a big birthday for him he was 60, the whole family went out to dinner, and we had such a good time, he was so happy, what happened?, It is so depressing. I don't know how I am going to get through this weekend, I don't want to upset my grandchildren on Sunday, we are all going to be together at my son's house, i am very anxious about it.

Take care

Karen

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Hi Karen, I'm doing o.k. thanks for asking. Still a little rough around the edges today. I took a couple days off to take care of business this week. I'm having BBQ get together for all the people that did not get to the memorial in May. My wife always enjoyed having our patio and pool full of people when summer rolled around. We had a blast here when we put those parties on, I was a little apprehensive about it at first but it seemed to fit the occasion and the people that are coming are very close friends and of course our boys will be there so I'm kinda looking forward to it. I'm on the other coast or I would tell you to stop by. I'll pray for you this weekend Karen, I'm getting back on speaking terms with God again, kinda easing back in there. Man I really had a hard time with that for a while. I didn't think I could feel anymore alone but it did get worse when I turned my back to my faith. I am struggling with a lot of issues right now (as we all are) but I really think the counseling is helping. Try to stay in today and hold on tight. Take care or yourself Karen.

BW

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Hi Bill

I hope your barbeque goes great, it will be good to be with family and friends that loved your wife, try to have a good day, I am going to be with my sons and my grandkids tomorrow, so I hope that everything will be o k, I also was upset and mad at god for a while, but not anymore, you will make peace with him,

Take care

Karen

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Hi Karen, BBQ was pretty good. I have been having a lot of overwhelming feelings of pure loss lately. I miss her so bad I can't stand it sometimes. I am back to praying every day again, I have got to find some relief. I started on the house today, I worked straight through from sun up to sun down and got a lot done. That made me feel pretty good for a while. I am in the process of finishing all the stuff we were going to do before she got sick. She had great vision for these projects, I sure do miss her. I think she would approve of what I did today. I felt like she was watching me all day. Hope you had a good visit with the kids this weekend. Try to take care this week.

BW

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Hi Bill

Somehow I got through this weekend, and am still here, so much built up stress inside. We all had a real tough day, my son made my husband's favorite dinner, we had the kids write notes and attached them to 2 helium balloons, went outside and wished him happy birthday told him how much we love and miss him and sent the balloons up to heaven, the kids were in awe watching the balloons go up to grandpa, it was very emotional, then they had a cake for him and the kids blew out the candles, very very tough day, I miss him more than words can say, We are hurting so much because we loved them so much. It is good to get totally involved in something like the house, I did that yesterday from the minute I got up to the minute i went to bed, I cleaned and organized the whole house, It is an anxiety release when you do that, you focus your energy on something else.

Have a good tomorrow

Karen

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I've been focusing a lot of energy on the house and the yard the last couple weeks, it works for a while to keep my mind occupied a little more. We started some significant projects before my wife got sick so I know she would be happy to see them done. I still can't even stomach the thought of going anywhere without her so I have canceled some of the travel plans we had made for this summer and fall. I think I'll just stick to the plan for now, stay close to home and finish up around here. I am starting to really feel the connection with her spirit now and I have felt that calm and presence that some of you have talked about. Every time I start to fall apart now I can feel her telling me it's o.k. and she's trying to help me pull it back together. This might sound insane or absurd to the outsider but to anyone who has felt this, I know you are nodding in agreement as you read this. It is the best feeling in the world when I can open my heart and mind to it. These people that we lost left a huge mark on our worlds and they will be with us always. I learned how to love without condition or expectation, for a guy like me that's pretty special considering where I came from before we met. I keep looking for the lesson in all of this, maybe that's part of it? God bless you all thanks for listening.

BW

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Hey Bill,

Just came to this thread to check on you man. You sound like you are doing a lot better.

I most definitely think your wife's spirit is with you telling you it's okay and that she is trying to help you pull it together. Just the fact that you are doing something is an accomplishment.

You are doing better than I am. I don't know about you, but being in the house (which I love and hope to stay in) is very challenging. My Mom was here all the time and just knowing she is not here and not coming back is killing me. I have never known a feeling like this in my life. It is like I am walking around with a cloud or shadow over me. Not just in the house, but everywhere I go. How on earth do you deal with this?!

Peace! God bless you!

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Thanks for checking in. I have gotten a small bit of relief through my counseling, biking, sticking close to friends etc. I know what you mean about the house though, everything here is a trigger for emotion, we built this place together and she is everywhere I look. It gives me great comfort to be here and at the same time I can fall apart when I look at something she touched last or even some of the food in pantry that she put there. These are some of the challenges we face on a daily basis.

I am no picture of great mental health these days by any means, but it has been nice to make that connection I talked about. That connection came to me in a pretty intense treatment at therapy. I will pray for all of us to find some peace and comfort today. Take Care.

BW

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Hi Karen, unfortunately I had the same kind of day today. I had to attend a class for work at a big training facility and during one of the breaks I went to the restroom and on the way out all of the sudden out of nowhere I was overcome with grief and started to break down. This is a very strange feeling and very hard to explain to complete strangers, luckily for me nobody was around and I was able to pull it together before class started again. I hate this feeling but now it almost is starting to feel normal. How messed up is that? Keep your husband's memories close and wish him a happy birthday for me, try to enjoy the day and I'll try to do the same. Take care Karen. Wishing the best for all of us,BW

I know exactly what you mean. This happens to me too. One moment everything is going along ok, then I'm crying. No rhyme or reason, just crying.

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