This Grief Is Hard Work And I Just Want A Break!

[tmanning]

OK, its been three weeks today since my baby sister died. I'm back at work, functioning, going about my business but its like I'm wading through a thick fog or a thick vat of mud and just concentrating on getting thru without thinking, and then every so often the fog breaks or lifts, while I'm at work or in the grocery store or in a restaurant or pumping gas, and I think, 'Jeanee's dead, she didn't survive, she's not coming back and I've got the rest of my life to have to live and help my family live without her,' and the hurt and grief just comes crashing back in and I have to stop what I'm doing and just get by myself somewhere and SOB for a minute or two, and then the fog comes back and i'm able to go on about my business. I know the folks around me keep noticing my red tearful eyes but are understanding and don't say anything, or if they do express sympathy, they are very understanding of my breaking down again, just for a minute or two, and then I just hurry up and keep going again. I feel like I'm going crazy when I am able to talk matter of factly about my sister's illness and death, it feels like I'm not even really in my mind, like I'm an imposter or a disinterested person, but I think that's a defense mechanism because when I do really feel the hurt, it cuts like a jagged knife. I'm just really, really tired, from the work of going about life, and the work of trying to be 'OK' while doing it. This grief work is exhausting and I just want a break!

[niamh]

hi tmanning,

I am so sorry for the loss of you little sis. I am 5 months in after losing my Dad so suddenly. I eventually managed to get back to work over 2 months later.

I can relate to the fog you talk about. I feel like I just go through the motions, I have to work, I have to do my job albeit a lot less productive these days than before but I do the best I can.

You are not going crazy at all hun, I too talked so much in the beginning about the details of my Dad and I would do it all without getting upset, I found it was just numbness as you say a defense mechanism. ....that's about all that allowed and still allows me to get out of bed every day. But then every so often the full reality kicks in and I just feel like I am having a complete meltdown, the pain inside, the sobbing knowing he can never come back, he can never walk with me again on this earth, it's too much too handle most of the time. I still have to tell myself what happened, tell myself this is really true, this did happen and just find it so hard to comprehend him being gone forever. I don't know if I will ever really understand that, I just take it one day sometimes one minute at a time because I don't know how to live a lifetime without him, it's too scary to think of. Sometimes I get split seconds where I feel SO detached from reality, like this cannot be real, this cannot be happening. So many questions and no answers at all.

Sorry I don't have any words of advice or comfort, there really aren't any are there. But I hope you know you are not alone with your feelings, while each of our grief is unique, there can be similarities so I hope you may find some small comfort knowing someone else can relate to what you say.

You are so so so early in your grief, be kind to yourself hun and allow yourself to feel whatever you want, you are not crazy although grief at times can make you feel like you are losing your mind (sometimes I still do) but it is all "normal".

sending you lots of hugs and love and keep writing here with us if you feel up to it,

niamh

[SHeiss]

Tmanning,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sister. I would love to say something comforting here to maybe help alleviate some of your pain, but I have nothing. There are no words to help. Only time will help. It is ok to cry. I cry everyday about my dad and his illness and sometimes I start to think about life and how it is not even worth living. (not suicidal, more like - wtf is the point of us being here) I have my days where I am very optimistic that my dad will pull through and beat the odds... then the very next day I have a nervous breakdown and I am anxious and scared of what is to come.

All I know is that you are perfectly normal. My only get-a-way from my grieving is that I play video games. I just forget about real life and I completely indulge myself into the game for a while and afterward I do find myself feeling a little better.

Again, I am truly sorry about your sister. Just know that you are not crazy and that everyone grieves int their own way.

-Sharla

[Aquarius7]

Hi tmanning,

First of all here is a hug! ((((((( )))))))

I am so sorry about the loss of your sister. Often times we take our parents for granted when we are young and they are younger, and even perhaps more so with our siblings. Your post scares me because I know that I will not be able to handle this passing of my Mom whenever that may happen someday. When my Dad passeed away I was not in good shape for a long time. In fact, I cried about him tonight. People passing away is the worst part of life and something I have never understood since I was a child and first learned that everyone passes away. It simply does not seem right.

As for being exhausted, I think we are all exhausted. For me, I cannot sleep much and whenever I do, I do not want to get out of bed. In fact, quite often when I do drift off to sleep, I simply do not care if I ever wake up or not. That is how much this situation is affecting me and I know it will not get better.

I don't know how to act "normal" and feel like when I am trying to do something I have to do that I am just getting through it or acting. Deep down, my heart is aching and nothing else in my life matters except for my Mom. Right now I could care less about anything else and feel like I should not be doing anything else.

Know that we are here for each other.

[SHeiss]

I seriously thought I was the only one who slept all the time and did not care to ever wake up. My days off are mostly spent with my dad or in bed all day because I feel too sad to deal with my life. I really have no idea why my husband is still with me. I am normally so sad or too tired to even mate with my husband. It has been months now. I feel bad and I wish I could but I cant. I just dont care. I dont care if my job fires me and I dont care if every friend of mine up and leaves me. I would actually prefer if my friends just left. It would be better than crying when they die too. Other members of my family are pissing me off as well. aunts and uncles and cousins who are just happy as can be piss me off. My dad is dying and all they can talk about are planning camping trips. I seriously think that I may snap one day and shake the living hell out of them. Anyway, I need to stop posting for the day. I feel myself getting angry again and I still have all day at work I need to deal with.

-S