tmanning Posted May 20, 2010 Report Share Posted May 20, 2010 OK, its been three weeks today since my baby sister died. I'm back at work, functioning, going about my business but its like I'm wading through a thick fog or a thick vat of mud and just concentrating on getting thru without thinking, and then every so often the fog breaks or lifts, while I'm at work or in the grocery store or in a restaurant or pumping gas, and I think, 'Jeanee's dead, she didn't survive, she's not coming back and I've got the rest of my life to have to live and help my family live without her,' and the hurt and grief just comes crashing back in and I have to stop what I'm doing and just get by myself somewhere and SOB for a minute or two, and then the fog comes back and i'm able to go on about my business. I know the folks around me keep noticing my red tearful eyes but are understanding and don't say anything, or if they do express sympathy, they are very understanding of my breaking down again, just for a minute or two, and then I just hurry up and keep going again. I feel like I'm going crazy when I am able to talk matter of factly about my sister's illness and death, it feels like I'm not even really in my mind, like I'm an imposter or a disinterested person, but I think that's a defense mechanism because when I do really feel the hurt, it cuts like a jagged knife. I'm just really, really tired, from the work of going about life, and the work of trying to be 'OK' while doing it. This grief work is exhausting and I just want a break! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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