Love Of My Life Lost

[NickyA]

Over three years ago I met and fell in love with a man who has been the centre of my life ever since. I have never felt anything more 'meant' or anything more powerful both physically and spiritually.

We were both married. I left my husband and family after six months as I could not stand the duplicity, but he never left his home.

I n brief after nearly three years and several upsets, he finally decided that he could not tolerate his wife 'getting at him' and he left her (she only knew about us relatively recently). It lasted two nights as she and his two children pulled out all the emotional stops and he went home and I have been totally abandoned.

I am now on the highest dose of antidepressents, have no motivation and a child who is in trouble, because I fell apart.

The grief and desolation I feel is all consuming and all I want is him back.

I also find I am now missing my husband, although the separation was amicable, and over two years ago, we were married for 23 years. He now has a new girlfriend. I lost a lovely family home and although I have my children, with them visiting their father every other weekend, I cannot feel as if my house is a home. I have been unable to help my son and he is going to court soon. This feels like the last straw and a a punishment for me which does not fit the crime. I only fell in love.

I feel very isolated as my friends have got tired of my unhappy outlook and I have very few people I feel I can still talk too as all this happened months ago. I feel that no one takes the loss of a relationship like this seriously and everyone expects me to just forget him and move on to someone else.

I think my feelings deserve more respect than that and the only person who seems to realise how serious it is is my mum and one single friend. This man is now totally out of my life and to all intense and purposes he could be dead but there is nothing to take the place of all the rituals and allowed grief that death has.

I would love to be able to join in the human race again but I know that I have to get there in my own time. Meanwhile I am living in a black and white world of going through the motions and I would like to hear from any one out there who has had a similar experience and any tips on how to cope with the hell I am experiencing.

NickyA

[bev]

Oh Im so sorry.......BIG HUG.....

I know how it is to fall in love when you maybe shouldnt.....and I know how it is to lose what you held most dear......though hopefully Im getting the chance to make amends for my mistakes !

Its what I call a living death........the feelings are much the same as with a conventional death but as you say no rituals etc and also the knowledge that this person is still there alive but not in your life.......its can be terribly hard to deal with.....

Im sorry I cant say much to help but Im feeling very emotional myself as Ive just had a sad chat with my friend I hurt so much....we still have hope but one day at a time.....for you too I say..one day at a time.....your feelings are very real though and the feeling of loss is huge......

Im sorry your friends are abandoning you....oh dont we find out who our friends are? people seem to want to put a time on these things and there is no time with grief ,we each are individual........

Im sorry I cant be more helpful...but just know you are not alone and Im thinking of you and I wish you the strength to get through this and back into life...I hope soon youll feel peace again.

[NickyA]

Thank you bev

As you say, it is one day at a time each day is different and I never know what I'm going to feel like or if I'm going to be able to cope.

I've never done this sort of writing on the computer before so it is all new to me.

I've read some of the boards but my brain doesn't seem to take things in at the moment so apologies I haven't been back to see what you're going through yet but I will.

Big hug to you too The real ones tend to be in short supply. My youngest son (11) is the most affectionate of mine and he is wonderful. (I just dread him hitting puberty!)

I have three cats too and they can be very affectionate and stroking them is a real tonic. I find the emotional lonliness very hard, especially when the boys are here doing their own thing (Ihave 4 sons) and I just want him back to be with me. Funnily enough I usually cope better on the weekends they go to their Dad's and I can be totally on my own.

I seem to spend a lot of time in my head in my own memories too - is that normal? I'm just not in reality at all - its too painful.

Keep on keeping on .... it's all we can do at the moment

Nicky A

[bev]

Hi Nicky

Oh I know all about living in your thoughts and memories.....Im not sure if its the best thing to do ....but I do it all the time.....at the moment Im reliving my first trip to see my friend........its a year ago as now.....so Im remembering it all........I guessed Id look back and smile but as the future is uncertain with us I cant help but feel sad........this time last year I was OK it hadnt all crept up and spoiled everything .....wow just shows we dont know whats around the corner.....

Im glad you get some comfort from your son and the cats......whatever it is if it helps thats great.....my kids have been great too......the eldest so understanding at times......and the second boy has more insite than Id imagined ! I can also relate to coping better alone too tho !! At least when alone we can be totally ourselves !

My head is a fuzz...I feel Im in a dream state half the time......and I also recently found out that another friend whos been a great support to me thro this has been finding it much harder than I realised because she has stronger feelings for me than I knew !

oh well....we will look back on this one day !! Please feel free to email me if you want !!

Hugs