His Birthday Is Next Week

[Grace]

My husband died July 27. I found him when I came home. I tried to rouse him and screamed when he didn't respond. I got him flat on the floor and called 911 while starting CPR. I knew he was gone but I had to try. I was sure that the paramedics would do whatever they do and fix him enough to go to the hospital. But they told me he had been gone for hours.

Now his birthday is coming up next week. I have been crying off and on for several days. I can't think of anyone to call. Have been holed up at home not answering the phone. They tell me it's been long enough and it should not affect me. I know they are wrong.

What can I do to get through the next week? I can't seem to think of anything useful.

[Nikki]

Hi Grace

My name is Nikki, I lost the love of my life on Jan 13, 2005. He shot himself ,I am still having a hard time with the manner of his death so I will just tell you what I wanted to say to you, I have read a lot of books and talked to more people about loss than I ever thought I would in my lifetime, one thing that made me feel a little better and makes sense to me right now when nothing seems to is that we will all greive for as long as we have to, no time limits. Don't listen to "them" they do not know how it feels for you to have lost someone(somedays it feels like my heart is broken for real)Just be kind and gentle to yourself. I read a quote the other day that maybe in time I will be able to do Don't cry because it is over, Smile because it happened. I miss my sweetie everyday and will never understand what happened but I am soo thankful I did get to spend many blue sky days with him-he was the sunshine in my life for 8 years. There are a lot of firsts I/we will have to face, I had my first B-day on March 18, 2005 I went out to dinner with my mom, I actually laughed a little. i don't know what it will be like when his first birthday comes-he would of been 34. I do remember lying in bed on my B-day thinking well I got through that and in a strange way I was proud of myself just for getting through my B-day and glad that the day was over with. Well I have to go, I hope you are good to yourself and like I said Don't listen to them.

[Charlie]

Hi Grace, I am a Grace too.

My husband will be gone 6 months this coming April 20th. I still cry a lot and miss his terribly.

Us who are grieving will grieve as long as it takes to heal. Don no let anyone tell you when it is time to stop, you will know. I really don't think we will ever get over our loss, just learn to deal with it a little better than in in beginning. I know there are day I am so much better and then a day will come along and I am a pitiful mess again.

Take care of yourself and my heart goes out to you.

Hugs, Charlie's Grace

[beckyb]

Hi all

My husband died almost a year ago and those that say we should be over it don't know what they are talking about. Grief is a very personal thing. You go along at your own pace. Now some days are better than others and I have gotten to the point that weeks go along and they are ok. But Ron's birthday was last month and it thru me into a tailspin and I feel like he just died again. Now my birthday is coming and I really dread that. But just hang in there and don't try to hide what you feel. what every emotion over takes you go with it and let it out. Come here often and post it really does help to get it all out and be among those WHO DO UNDERSTAND!!!

Take care

have a peaceful day.

Becky

[Grace]

Thanks all for the postings. Next Wednesday will be one year to the day when my life ended. My dear husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. He was 53. I got through our wedding anniversary by distracting myself with other people.

Next week seems unreal already.

Each day has been so hard that it seems impossible that a year has gone by. My words seem trite and banal when I try to write about this. I don't know how I will make it through next week. Everything that we had planned to do when I retired in January of this year is ashes. When I met him I was not interested in getting married. He was special. I wanted to make a committment to him and marriage seemed the way to do it. I am glad we met but it hurts so much to remember it. Everything in the house carries memories. Some things more than others. I cannot give his clothes away. I have stopped talking to a friend who kept pressing me to get his things out of the house. I haven't talked with her in 5 months. I don't care if I ever do again. She wouldn't listen to me.

I know I am spending too much time alone. It seems to take so much energy to plan anything that I don't call friends or relatives. I am not sure that they can do anything anyway. I guess I am just venting.

[kayc]

I am glad you brought up this topic, it's something I have wondered about. My husband died on Father's Day this year, totally unexpected and he had just turned 51 five days beforehand. I don't know how I'm going to get through June next year of how I'll be able to handle October which is my birthday and our anniversary. I don't know how I'll do Christmas. When people tell you that you should be over it by now, assert yourself very strongly and tell them you aren't over it and they don't know what they're talking about. If they'd been through exactly the same thing they wouldn't say that to you. People who don't grieve when they lose their loved one either are repressing it, which isn't healthy, or they didn't love them in the same way that I loved my husband. At any rate, they can't compare, everyone has a different relationship and we have different personalities and coping mechanisms. Listen to your inner self, not other people's "shoulds", it'll make you stronger. Do whatever makes you feel better...I kind of think I'll try to be around family at those times, but however you handle it, it should be what you are comfortable with. Maybe someday I'll be up to going to our honeymoon spot and just reminiscing about my husband...but I seriously doubt that would be any time soon. It's tough. I wish there were good answers but what we all want we can't make happen. Good luck!

[Guest Guest_Grace_*]

Well, I am sitting here knowing that no one is home so there is no one to call to just talk. I have been crying off and on all day. When my husband died I was numb. I did not really know he was dead. Every day, every thing reminds me of him and his absence. I think some of the pain is less now because time has passed. But there are still too many days when I can't stop thinking about him. Still seeing a counselor once a week. He focuses on making sure that I do not backslide - get worse. He pushes me to stay healthy and make a plan for that. it all seems so pointless. I never thought I could be so close to one person. My husband was so much a friend. I do not care if I make it through the next day. Day after day like that. If I fake it long enough -- that I feel ok -- then some day maybe it will not be faking it. But right now I do not really believe things will ever get better.

[Guest Guest_Deborah_*]

Christmas is over. I decided to pretend all day that it was just an ordinary day so that I would not collapse. Now the house is quiet and I am back to the same feeling of not knowing if I can possibly live without him. The air goes out of my lungs when I think of him and I do not believe I will be able to do this very long. Everyone says just talk to him, but I cannot bear not hearing his voice. How do you survive this, how do you make that choice to survive this?? Those of you that have gone before me in this grief process, please help. I don't want to do this anymore.

[Bebekat]

I'm not too sure either how to survive this. My house is also very quiet. Early this morning I put my younger son on a plane back to school. He only had a week at home because he plays on the basketball team. I called in sick today, couldn't deal with it. I'm not sure if I'm more sick from a cold or this hole in my heart. I know I need to snap out of it, but it's really hard. I have been dealing with this in an unhealthy way. It seems better to just stay numb. For Christmas my older son made a DVD for our family. He dedicated a section of it to his Dad. It is a true work of art to the tune of "What a Wonderful World". I have watched it at least 6 times and each time I cry my eyes out. I've been talking to my Tom all day today. I can only pray for a better day tomorrow.

[charlieslove]

It's been a little over a year since I lost my beloved husband - I understand how you feel!! I'm not really sure how I get through, but I know in my heart that he wouldn't want me to grieve forever. I have 3 grandkids and my daughter. I have his family and we all live within 30 miles of each other. I know that they are all grieving as I am and we all get up everyday and put one foot in front of the other and go on. This is not to say that I don't spend my fair-share of time crying. People say how well I'm doing, but they don't see me by myself. I cry alot when I'm alone. You HAVE to go on for the other people in your life. As you said, time does make a difference. I wouldn't say that it "heals all wounds", as the saying goes, but it does make things easier. Charlie & I were together for better than 20 years and his death was fairly sudden. I knew he was ill and that he wouldn't live forever, but I sure didn't think it would be as soon as it was. I am SO grateful for the time we DID have together - he was such a special person!! I guess knowing others (his mom, sisters & brotherinlaws) are grieving as much as I am helps. Christmas was so busy that I didn't even have time to dwell on it too much - he wouldn't have wanted me to anyway. I try to live the way he would want me to. I talk to him alot and kiss his pictures all the time. I miss him!!!! Yes, it's a hard road to walk down, but you will get through it. You HAVE to...for the rest of your family and friends!

Know that my thoughts are always with you and you have this "site" to come to when you need us!!

Patti

[kayc]

All I know to do is keep busy and I write, I talk, I surround myself with people. It's when I'm alone and the memories hit that it's the hardest. My faith keeps me going. I know I will see him again. We exchanged what we had for another life...a life in which he is now free from pain and I am left here to endure. I am glad that it is me and not him. I control the things I can, like my health, since I feel some of my power was taken from me in his dying without anyone asking me what I wanted. This is how I survive.