Is Taking Pills The Answer?

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I saw my therapist on the weekend and she told me I should see the doctor because she thinks I might be board line depressed because my mood swings are all over the place..I just do not know though, but after today I think she might be right... I have been okay, feeling lov and now i am crying, just so far this morning so maybe I will see what the doctor ssys.. Shelley

[niamh]

hi Shelley,

I certainly have no clue on this but hugs to you, sorry to see you are crying. I know things are also so hard with your family regarding the ashes. Definitely worth a chat with your doctor anyways.

love and hugs !

niamh

xo

[MartyT]

Shelley, dear ~ your therapist knows you quite well. You know and trust your therapist, don't you? If she thinks you should see your doctor about this, I think you would be wise to follow her advice.

[STARKISS]

Thanks Niamh,

I appreciate all your kindness, I have made the appointment for Monday morning and I will go from there... Shelley

[STARKISS]

Hi Marty,

Yes I do trust both my therapists so I have made the appointment for Monday morning... I hate taking pills but if that is what I need to do for a little while I will.. Thanks Marty... Shelley

[justincase]

Good for you for going and getting help!!!

The only warning I can give you is to make sure they give you a little less than more. I recently ended up in a situation where I believe the doctor was trying to throw the most at my issues and see what stuck. I truly believe it endangered my life.

Good luck to you and please report back with how it all turns out!

Steve

[STARKISS]

Thanks Steve,

I will be careful but my doctor has always been there for me and tries to do her best for me... She watches out that I stay well because she cared so much for my mom that she would not want to turn out the way my mom did with all her health problems... I see the doctor Monday morning and will let everyone know how it goes.. Shelley

[SHeiss]

Shelley,

My family tells me that I need pills for depression, but I honestly do not feel like I am depressed. I feel like I am sad about my dad. I am allowed to be sad about this, he is dying in front of me and it feels like people who say I need depression medicine expect me to what... be happy about it? I am allowed to cry and I am allowed to be angry. So, I honestly think that it is what you feel on the inside. Do you feel like taking depression medicine will help you? If so, then do it! If not, then don't. Hope that helped at least a little.

Shar

[loulou]

I know this subject is touchy.I had been depending on pills since dad died,and I truly felt they helped me.I was still sad,still cried everyday,for my loss,but they helped my overactive mind slow down so I could focus on one thing at a time.It was very hard stopping them,however.And it is very easy to get overly dependent on them,so I dont know what the "right" thing to do is.I just thought I would say they helped me when I needed it.

[STARKISS]

Hi Sheiss,

Thanks for your input, I had been on antidepressants before but I took myself off them... I did not think I needed them anymore and that was three years ago... So maybe I was wrong... Shelley

[STARKISS]

Hi Loulou,

I had been put on them four years ago when my parents both died and I stayed on them for a year and thought I was doing okay and took myself off them but again I guess with everything else going on in my life maybe I need them again... Thanks for your input... Shelley

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I have a real problem right now, whenever I saw my doctor she would ask me how things were going? I would say okay or good, she knew about the abuse and the deaths of my parents but she did not know about the emotional and verbal abuse I have been getting from my sisters family over everything...Now my therapist wants me to talk with the doctor about getting antidepressants because I have been grieving and really sad about my mom for so long.... I have other issues not related to grief so with everything that is involved I am getting really depressed I guess... But the doctor only knows about the deaths of my parents and the abuse from my dad... How do I bring up all the rest? She thinks I am okay and doing fine with everything but I am truthfully falling apart again... Shelley

[justincase]

I am sorry to hear things are not going well:( I think you just need to have trust that bringing up issues that may seem huge to you(and they are!) will only allow your therapist to help you sort everything out. She? is not there just to earn a paycheck. She truly wants to see you get healthy. Don't fear to tread wear it seems so dark if you are doing it in a healthy manner. That is soo often where we find the most light.

I am going to post a long post that I hope somehow will allow you to see some graditute in what you are going through. It is about my mom but I hope in some way it may you or others to look at the death of their loved one in a slightly different way. I know that when I can see the gifts, It brings hope and faith back into the picture:

I have moved on and changed my perspective on a couple of things in the following post such as 3 makes a family. I now believe 1 and 2 does as well. Any way hope this post from another sight helps in some way. I also grew up in a verbally abusive household.

Ok, Enough imaginary friend, hidden meaning speak (for this post anyway)

I thank all of you for your thoughts, prayers, posts and support. I truly believe they ALL are needed during times of turmoil, change, confusion and loss.

I AM OK. Thanks for everything but don’t waste the concern part. There are many out there that need it far more than I do. I have a fantastic wife, great dogs, amazing neighbors(who I have leaned on a little to much and need to back off starting nowJ) and prayers being answered as fast a the drive thru window at a fast food place. I attempt at least 3 random acts of kindness each day just to make myself feel better and I have been going to support groups 4 or 5 times a week. I spend a lot of time healing myself by walks, hikes, and contemplating things like what the actual smallest particle in the universe really is and if it is the smallest and each one lives in a unique universe and everything is made up of these particles and only one particle can exist in the same spot at any one time…. See, ya don’t want to hear that kind of stuff now do ya???

The person you see(or don't see) is me. Why does the stuff I’m seem different, wacked out, odd, etc. than the person you knew or thought you knew? It's because I am. All of the above. And below. This is who I am.

It is because instead of turning a blind eye to my mom's death and not dealing with it, I decided to take advantage of every last ounce of her energy that she had left to give to me. I did my absolute best to see, feel, live, and share what she had been trying, wanting or unable to communicate to me over the last 44 years(even before I was born). I know I fell short of what was given but I got every thing I received! And Then some. I ended up a bit shy on the share part because I was so busy receiving right up until the very end that many times I could only take the experience and file it away for future disbursement.

Notice that unwilling is absent from the list above about my mom. She very very rarely volunteered any information that she felt would be harmful or damaging to me, or anyone else. How every if it were relevant to the situation and would somehow help her often lost and confused son, she shared it with me no matter how painful it may be for HER. She hated pain and I do not believe she had a high tolerance for it. I think that is the burden I must bear for the rest of my life. I will and I can take it. It is but a small burden in exchange for all that she did for me.

In the last three weeks of her life, rather than take the easy way out and request pain medication or a more "burdensome on others" way to die, she chose to make one final last ditch effort to bring the family together in a “healthy for us” manner and heal us all as best as she was able. She allowed me to spend almost every one of my conscious and "other" hours with her. All of the conversations we had; the quiet times we shared, will forever be in me where ever I go. How she could have found the strength to share this much with me is beyond me but who am I to question? I just feel blessed beyond measure.

She shared. And Shared. And Shared. She shared with me how absolutely important it is to be sober in order to get the most out of life. SOBER. Not "not drunk" but SOBER. See some people have this misperception that sobriety has something to do with alcohol. In my opinion it could not be further from the truth. Some can drink and still live a sober lifestyle. My wife and mom are two such individuals. I am not. If ever, you see me drinking and it is not apart of a reasonable, verifiable, respectable, group organized religious ceremony of some type, you have my permission to call the authorities and have them attempt to remove or otherwise deal with me as is reasonable so as not to involve those that would otherwise turn a blind eye.(make sense?) I have no interest in continuing a lifestyle that has only brought distance, shame, fear, embarrassment and gossip into my family's life due to me. It is so easy to point fingers and blame others but the reality is I have chosen the path I have and I own it. It is mine and no one can take it away from me. Period.

She shared with me that death just a part of what we call life and is an extremely beautiful, giving, sharing experience.

She shared with me that laughing to the point of tears while in the presence of a dying loved one is just as ok as sobbing to the point of exhaustion.

She shared with me that life is worth living right up until the absolute very end.

She shared with me that any kind of quick death is selfish when the experience can be shared in a manner that allows for sharing, caring, laughing and learning.

She shared with me that she was happily married despite a rocky and sometimes seemingly nonsensical relationship; every time she gave my dad a kiss or lit up with a smile when he entered the room.

She shared with me that she knew she had been and was in the right place at the right time with the right people every step of the way through her life. THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO LOOK AT IT!

She shared with me that no regrets are worth hanging onto once dealt with and ya better dam well deal with them quick. There's a lot of life and so little time.

She shared with me that it is better to spend your days talking about life than to be planning for death.

She shared with me that it's best for children and the children’s children to take care of dying parents but not at the risk of damaging the survivors in the process.

She shared with me that it is possible to raise children, make mistakes and not have it be the end of the world for either the parent or the child.

She shared with me how each of us in our own way regresses back through adolescence, childhood, and eventually back into the womb where all one does is kick a little to acknowledge their existence and preparation of moving onto their next journey. For those that were there, I think you can attest to the many stages mimicking womb to adulthood only in reverse and done in three weeks. I believe it is a part of death regardless of whether it happens in 3 seconds, three weeks or three years.

Due to all of these gifts:

I no longer feel the need to hurt my wife in order to understand my mother or more broadly put, hurt another in order to understand myself.

I no longer feel the need to mimic or attempt to live the life either parent in order to attain the blessings I need to live a happy, healthy fulfilling life.

I no longer need to fear having children for fear they may hurt me.

I do not need to have full control of my life in order to get all that I need and much of what I want out of life. In many cases, I will get an order of magnitude back by letting others make the big decisions and I just do the leg work.

I can be what ever I choose to be and that I only feel what I want to feel. There is no such thing as a bad day or a bad person if I so choose it.

So, With all these Gifts, would you be unusually happy, giddy and goofy or crying and pouting and asking for you mama???

Well how about this?

Why did I choose this to take this approach to my mom's death instead of the one more like the paths I have chosen in the past?

Simple. See, I flew into town and was on the same path of anger, denial, pretentiousness and fear that I have quite often taken. Within hours, I saw my mom die right in front of me. She collapsed to the ground. My dad holding her lifeless body up. Her eyes were open one staring at me and the other rolled back into her head. I yelled "l love you mom" as I stood frozen in fear, guilt shame, and pain.

15 minutes later she is on a stretcher in the dining room talking to my wife on a cell phone 1800 miles away about our dogs enjoying PHOENIX. If that isn't a miracle I don't know what is.

That is my reality!!!

Perception is reality.

Reality is nothing more than perception.

Everyone creates one.

Nothing else exists.

my perception is mine.

I own it.

I am responsible for it.

If I don't like my reality then I need to change my perception.

If it took me to take on the above perception in order for my mom to finally be able to communicate to me, all that she did in her last three weeks of life, I will, hands down, take it over any other reality I have tried on in the last 44 years.

Why didn’t I just come out and write all of this in the first place and skip all of the goofy, nonsensical, childish stuff? Well, my mom had said the one thing she wished she could do for me is give me my childhood back. In fact that is all she gave me for Christmas the last few years; those things that she used to give me as a child. She knew no other way. ( I believe the reason she did not give me anything for this last Christmas past is because she had to give up because it hurt her so much. I found her Christmas list and I wasn’t on it. I hold no ill will nor I am burdened by it. Remember, MY perception, MY reality.) She felt that I had had to grow up missing out on some of the things she would have liked to have been able to give me but wasn’t able to; due to the turmoil surrounding her parents death, the added stress of a handicapped child and the rocky road most marriages and young families experience until they find their balance. WELL…, who am I to not attempt to give her the one wish I knew she wanted for me. See, the one thing she thought life should be above all else is fun. Childlike. With lots of imagination. Children’s books were a big part of her belief for giving kids safe adventure, exploration, imagination as well as a place to go for safety, comfort, insight and a sense of meaning. The Best I could do until now was try and tell some absolutely real life adventures and thoughts in a way that had a little extra meaning to search for or imagery that a child could comprehend. Fun! Besides I find straight speak with no underlying message a little boring. Don’t get me wrong. When talking with others face to face it’s the best way to communicate. But, when telling a story or conveying a feeling, so much more can be derived from the message when two or more can be put in the same space togetherJ

Every word of my previous posts are true with the exception of one small fact. I think it may have been a few pebbles I picked up that were "jingling" in my pocket instead of three coins. Unfortunately I had Jess drop me by the convenience store so I could get some diet coke before we went on the hike and accidentally spent the coins I meant to keep in my pocket to remind me of my mom. Why did I say three coins? My dad used to carry three coins in his pocket every day and said it was a challenge to see if he could get through the day with out spending them. I don't know any more of the story about the coins beyond that but thought it may somehow help him out

Why do I mention three quite often in what I write? Because ever since my mom's death I have been seeing three's in my life everywhere. Your choose the meaning. Call it the trinity. Call it the sun, moon, and earth. Call it god, earth and self. Call it the number of letters in GOD. Call it larry moe and curly. I don't care. I think I have decided I like it because as far as I am concerned, it is the smallest number it takes to make a family and the 3 number or any number above that is just fine with me. I am thoroughly burned out of "I" and "me". And ya see, "I" only has one letter and "me" has only two. I know I am tired of myself and I am just one. A Marriage is great but it is only two and even that gets a little boring from time to time. I'm thinking three sounds a heck of a lot better and hope somehow, somewhere, somebody will stand up and say, smile your going to be a father. It's not reality yet, but for the first time in my 44 years of life I look forward to it. God willing. (That is why if I ever have a tear in my eye for you mom, It's there. Happy and sad.)

Thank GOD for moms

Thank GOD for Dads

Thank GOD for families

Thank GOD for Friends

And Thank GOD Almighty I can finally say after 44 years, Thank GOD of ME!

And Now Back to the originally scheduled programming…havin’ some fun!!!

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I went to see the doctor about getting pills for depression and she made me take a couple of quizs and checked out my latest blood tests to see if there is any other reason I might be feeling down... Well you would not guess what came up... She put me on this medication which is good for depression and ADHD in adults... The quizs or assessments I took today told her it might be adhd that I have, she asked me alot of things about school and life at home... I had a hard time with school and was labelled a slow learner and now she thinks that I might have had adhd back that

and since primary school happened over forty years for me they never knew about adhd back than... So I am going to see a psychiatrist to make sure that is what I have and I will get medication to help me...

sorry everyone this is not exactly grief related but I just wanted people to know it might not be depression caused by the lost of my parents...

Shelley

[MartyT]

Shelley, dear, I'm so proud of you for your continued willingness and determination to get the answers you need to take good care of yourself. That is your most important responsibility, taking good care of you, and you are DOING it! Hooray for YOU!

[STARKISS]

Hi Marty,

Thanks for all the encouragement, I glad someone thinks I am doing the right thing lately I have been treated like I am just one big mistake... Shelley

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

Well today is the first day of pills for me, the pill is called wellbutrin xl, bupropion hcl and it is used for anxiety, depression and adhd so I guess I am covered but need to take care as it may cause several side affects well wish me luck shelley

[MartyT]

We're all pulling for you, Shelley

[STARKISS]

Thanks Marty,

I hope with this pill I can get to the place I need to be so that I can move further along my grief journey... Thanks for everything Shelley

[STARKISS]

Well Everyone this is day three of pills,

I am also waiting on a call from the doctor to hear when she wants me to see the Psychiatrist... Just writing that word freaks me out, my therapist says that when I say that I am scared or freaked out it is the little girl inside talking and I have trouble making the adult me speak more... I hope this does not sound crazy... But since my parents died I have let the little girl speak more because it was she who my dad abused the most... But my therapist is right even if I need to force myself to do it the adult shelley has to speak up more and stand up for herself and prove to everyone she is a grown up... Shelley

[niamh]

hi Shelley,

that is good news, you are good to not let this go. I hope the meds will work for you, and hopefully no side affects.

nope it doesn't sound crazy at all, we lose so much security when our parents are gone. I still have my Mom but I do feel like that lost little girl at times who just needs her Dad to pick her up and tell her it will be alright.

So I can't even imagine how difficult it is for you without your sweet Mom aswell.

I hope things will get better for you at home and we are always here for you anyways,

(((hugs)))

niamh

[STARKISS]

Hi Niamh, Thanks for all your replies and yes somedays I do feel like I am going crazy... Today it day eight of taking pills and the only thing I have really noticed so far is the nightmares are gone... I sleep better and longer, except last nigt I was awake at midnight and could not get back to sleep I think I tossed and turned the rest of the night... Shelley

[niamh]

well it's a step further anyways Shelley, I don't know much about meds but I've heard people say they can take 4-6 weeks to kick in so hopefully in time.

Its good that the nightmares have stopped for you, that should also help you sleep a little better.

I know my sleep is on and off, sometimes when it's lights out, I can end up being wide awake, thinking lots and take a couple of hours to fall asleep,

hugs hun

niamh

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

The nightmares have stopped but now that I have been taking the pills for a while I am back to not sleep well again... The first few days I had great sleeps but now it is back to the old way again... Shelley