Having A Hard Time Today

[SHeiss]

I have been having these dreams lately that are amazing. They all are back when my dad was healthy and life was fun and amazing to me. I never want to wake up. When I have these dreams I wake up to the screwed up reality that my dad is very sick and will never be the same. I hate it. I have been crying all morning. Am I crazy? Or just wishful? I find myself just remembering the good times my dad and I have had and everything he has done for me and he is still here. That is so wrong of me to do. I should not be missing him when he is still here. I hate myself for it.

I asked my dad what to get him for Fathers Day and he said “my eyesight back” as the cancer has eaten a nerve behind the eyeball. That hurt so bad when he said that because I would gladly trade him. I would give him my life for him to stay healthy. I would give him my eyes I would give him whatever he needs.

I just want to scream. I don’t even know how I make it through everyday without crying. I just have 1 day a week where I can’t help it and today is that day. I feel sick to my stomach and I feel like my heart is being stomped on. I just wish there was something I could do to make him better… anything. Just to see him smile again or even just to see him be comfortable would be a miracle in its own. I wish miracles existed. I am hoping for one…. But I am doubtful.

Thanks for listening.

[loulou]

Sheiss,your pain is so real to me,I feel like I could touch it.But I feel that it would be unusual if you didn't have those feelings.I can imagine how hard those dreams are to wake up from.I don't think you are crazy.In fact you sound like one of the most pulled together and strong people I have ever come across.Blessedly my dad died quick,of a heart attack,but the feelings and thoughts you are having seem like the things I have been struggling with.It makes sense,because we are both mourning the loss of our fathers.I think you missing him is normal for someone watching a love one slipping away a day at a time.That has to be so much harder then them going quickly.I don't know how you do it either.I wish a miracle would happen for him,I really do.I don't know if I say the right things,but I feel the hurt,and having just loss my dad,my heart breaks for you and yours.Stay strong honey.Your so very strong for him.

[MartyT]

Sharla, dear, I'm so sorry that you're having an especially difficult day, but I certainly can understand why -- especially with Father's Day just around the corner. It seems to me that the lovely dreams you're having may be Nature's way of offering you a respite from the grim reality of your waking moments right now ~ so maybe you could look at it as a good thing . . . and there is absolutely nothing wrong with your wanting desperately for all of this suffering to be over, both for you and for your father. There is not a person here who wouldn't feel exactly the same way if we were in your shoes.

As for what your dad wishes you could give him for Father's Day, I am reminded of that story about the hospitalized man who kept describing for his bed-bound roommate all the wonderful sights he could see outside the window that was positioned next to his own bed. In effect, his vision served as eyes for what his roommate could not see. What the roommate did not know is that the man in the bed next to the window really was looking at a brick wall. He was simply describing what he could see in his mind. You can read the story here: Hospital Windows . (Better yet, click on the link to see a video version, at Spirit Clips: The Hospital Window.) In a similar way, maybe you can find some ways to act as your father's "eyes" while you are with him, to help him visualize some happier times or recall some wonderful memories he had with you.

[SHeiss]

Loulou and Marty -

Thank you both so much. I re4ally needed that to get me through the day today. Being at work is hard, but I talked to my dad and he does not have a headache today. That is amazing to me because he has had one for months now. I am excited to see him in a bit less pain tonight.

again, thank you both.

-Sharla

[niamh]

hi Sharla,

it's been quite a few days since I've been on replying to posts. I hope you made it through yesterday ok and I hope you got to spend some lovely time with your dearest Dad.

I hope he is feeling somewhat better and in less pain,

hugs and love to you,

niamh