I Lost My Partner At Age 45

[Deb625]

My common-law husband was just 45 when he passed. He had struggled with addictions for over 10 years, I was with him for over 8 1/2 of those years. Friends would ask why I didn't leave and I would always say, how can you leave someone you love to die? He was terminally alcoholic and I spent the previous 3 months crying everyday for him to get help, yet still the alcohol took hold and just wouldn't let him go. I finally had to leave the home as I couldn't go on watching him. However, the plan was he would get help and come live with me in my new home - leaving his house of "addiction" behind. He was on a "wait" list for detox and had plans to return to Rehab. I finally left him on May 10th and he died of a heart attack May 16th, I found his body on May 18th tortured by the disease. This was a very kind, loving man, who had a smile that would light up a room, he played beautiful guitar was kind and generous. He was the love of my life, when he was addicted he simply "isolated", we never fought, we always held much love and respect for eachother. I did a lot of learning about addictions over the years, more information than I ever needed to know.

I now feel like my heart has been ripped out and is shattered in a million pieces. I pray to God everyday to jut give him back - every piece of me wants to feel his arms around me telling me it will be okay, like he'd done 100's of times before and he's not there. I know my Michael, and he wouldn't leave me in this pain. It hurts so bad, that I feel this simply cannot be true. Logically, I know it is, but soulfully, he just can't be gone. How can I at age of 43 be a widow? In everything I do, he is in my thoughts and I just feel so empty that e is not here to share my thoughts, dreams and plans for the future. His family contributed to his lack of success as they are alcholics too, they even refused my request to NOT have alcohol at his service and in the end we had to have 2 services (it's sick), then he left a will dated 1996 leaving everything to his sister, whom he resented for her lack of support and many other family issues (I know too much)- which I now have to fight. Meanwhile, here I sit today in my new home, where I hadn't even finished unpacking myself when he passed and I now have sinced moved all his belongings into my house - filling the house with boxes that only I can go through. The chaos is insane and and there is no order in life right now. I can't work, I can't sleep, I can't eat and I cry at the drop of a hat on a good day. On a bad day, I'm simply racked with sobs and in bed all day. Luckily, I do have lots of support surrounding me, but they don't understand the long road I lived and how hard it was to leave him and then the affect of his death on me in such a short time span, it's devastating, it isn't right and I don't know how to fix it. All the saying time will heal, he is not suffering now, he is at peace are all so trite when all I want is him back. I fought so hard for his sobriety, our life can't have this kind of tragic ending. Alcohol can't win, it's simply not fair...

[Billw]

Hi Deb, I am very sorry to hear about your husband. Alcoholism is a brutal disease, it will deceive those who have the addiction to it as I'm sure you know after the years spent with this man. Alcohol was a friend of mine that turned on me one day. I was lucky enough to find a bottom and a program that did wonders for me. Some are not that lucky and I pray for them and their families daily. I lost my wife to cancer in April, another brutal unforgiving disease, she tried as hard as she could to recover but it was not to be. I am sure your husband had times that he might have tried to recover as well. Alcoholism can get a strong hold on us as you describe and will tell us that everything is o.k. while it just beats the hell out of us. I have had a lot of anger and I am going through the same emotions you describe in your post as are a lot of others in this forum. Please remember that you are not alone, people here care about you and your well being. Stay close and open up to those who can help you through this process. I am up one minute and down the next, I'm doing some pretty intense therapy right now but I'm still a mess from day to day. I don't know, sometimes being under the influence of grief scares me as much as the influence of alcohol. Try to take care of yourself. God Bless,

BW

[Nikki]

Dear Deb, I am so sorry for your loss-I found this site in 2005-my dear sweet funny partner Joe died of a self inflicted gun shot wound to the head, but i feel in my heart it was due to the fact that he was an alcholic-by the time he died it had a hold on him -he tried several times to stop drinking on his own-rehab was so expensive and the waiting list for the ones he could get into were so long -he would convince himself and me he could and would do it on his own-he too was funny, sweet, and very loving to me-there was no one else i loved to be with more than him-he too was not violent-i think we may have maybe 2 fights in our 9 years together-it did get to the point where i just couldnt watch him isolate and self destruct-it wasnt until he tried to stop and could not that i felt like the enemy and needed to remove myself-it broke my heart to leave-but i was vain enough to think if i left he would finally get the help he needed-he ended up moving to AZ to be close to his family-i missed him terribly and moved out there after his family helped to get him into a rehab- After all these years I could finally have this wonderful man all the time without the struggle of his addiction and depression-and he would see the wonderful man he was -4 wks before he was suppose to go - I came home and found him on the floor-at first i thought he was passed out-then i turned him over and realized he was gone. The guilt the shock everything about it was life changing-our happy ending was never going to be-I still miss him everyday-and the saying "oh he is in a better place" just made me think "why wasnt i enough to live for" why wasnt i enough to stop drinking? I noticed in your post you said "Something about not being able to fix this- i think i thought if i loved him enough it would fix things and help him see in him what i saw-but like i said that did not happen-i have learned just recently it is true- the only person you can help is yourself-your loss is still so new-be kind-take advantage of your support system-be kind to yourself and remember you were loved and are loved by many- your love made a diffence is his life and you can do this-i have taken a very slow-sometimes self destructive path of my own but things do get a little softer with time-talk, to anyone you feel comfortable with as often as they will listen-and if you would like-you can always send me message or a post-

love and hugs Nikki Joe Hodges 1971-2005

[Deb625]

HI Nikki,

Today is just one of those really bad days, I can't stop sobbing and I just want Michael back. We did have some sobriety, we went to Bali and Taiwan in October and spent 3 weeks together healthy and happy. I lived for those moments and so want them back. Michael was in rehab 3 times, I got together with him when he was sober for almost 2 years, the sobriety didn't last long, yet our love and connection did. I would have done anything to help him. When he came out of Rehab the last time April 2009, there was such hope and joy. He walked taller sober, he had such pride in himself, but with this disease, when they go back they go back to the worst they were and go further into it's depths, I tried to help, but found I was simply crying for him everyday and he hated to see me cry. I had to leave. To die 6 days later, before I had even unpacked, is so hard to deal with. I still hadn't come to terms with where "we" were going and still held hope, he was scheduled for Detox (a 3-5 week wait) and then was going to go to rehab again. He was finally going to "cut" the ties with his family (a unhealthy trigger - trauma triggers I called them) and simply there was such hope. We talked on the Saturday (he died on the Sunday) and there was such love, hope and encourgement...

To leave me with this mess of what they call "grieving" is just not fair or right. Everything I do, think, feel has Michael attached, and it hurts, it hurts so much that I don't know if I can bear it. Everyone says how strong I am, and he's at peace and all those wonderful "trite" sayings, but I'm aching in pain. I try keeping just one foot in front of the other, but there are so many hours in between...

No other person saw the ravages that addiction caused Michael, I was the one to take him to the hospital, I was the one calling the crisis line "what do I do", I was the one begging him to eat, to drink fluids, to stay alive. I would cry in his arms that I didn't want him to die and he would hold me and tell me it would be okay... And here I sit, devastated, crying and sobbing like I never have in my entire life and it is not okay.

His family were no support or negative support and now I fight not to just scream at them (I do respect they are grieving too) I want to tell them how much their lack of support hurt him, but I can't. They could never "not" drink in his presence it was insane. And nothing was taken care of (the life of an addict), his Will dated 1996 leaves everything to his sister who he resented (as do I for the hurt he felt), and I'll have to fight to see the outcome of what is right i.e. his estate should come to me. I have to fight because it is what he wanted, but also to make sure those who hurt him are not rewarded as I know the pain they (Mother, Father and only Sister) caused him, I was there at his side when he cried. It is all so messed up and chaotic.

I keep just getting through each day with a list of things I should never have to do and then I go to bed and I'm lonely, shattered and my heart aches. It should not have ended this way, there was way too much hope and promise, it just can't be happening, yet it is.

I found Michael, he was laying on the floor, he had been bleeding, there were numerous bottles of Vodka and he was twisted unnaturally. I have the image emblazzoned in my mind and it is horrific. No one should have to find anyone in such trauama - yet, there is a part of me that says if I didn't actually see it, I wouldn't believe it was real. I know if I hadn't gone by it would have been days or weeks before anyone found him. I take some comfort he wasn't alone for too long. Though even seeing it, I still can't believe it is real.

I go to my sisters for Fathers Day tomorrow, my family has been a great support and I'm glad for an event to get me outside of my head - because all I really want to do is hide away and pretend this isn't happening. The why me's are so prevalent. How can I be a widow at 43? How could I have gone down the journey of addictions for 8 1/2 years and not have a reward i.e. have Michael at my side sober?

This isn't fair and it is not right and I don't want anything to do with it, but it is foisted on me without it being my choice and I'm supposed to go on, be strong, just get through one day at a time... Yet days like today, I can't imagine... I just so want him back. I'm so sorry you had to go through a parallel experience. I tell my friends, I have okay days and not so okay days, here's hoping tomorrow is a little better... Thanks for listening. Debby

[Korina]

I am tired tonight, as this is the anniversary of Scott's death (1st anniversary), so my post is going to be short. But, aside from the bad feelings with your husband's family (Scott's family had been great), I am there with you. Scott and I were married almost 10 years, together for 20. About 3 months after our daughter was born, I finally took a stand and left him due to his alcoholism. It was awful. But with much support, I organized an intervention, and we got him to treatment. But 2.5 weeks into it, he was admitted to the hospital, and never left. He caught an infection, and his body and the antibiotics just couldn't fight it.

I will never understand why, after he was finally making progress, this happened. My daughter doesn't have her father and it isn't fair. Widowed at 41. It sucks big time. Scott was the smartest, funniest person I ever knew, and though we had rough times, both of us at fault, we loved each other more than anything. It is incredible to me that addiction was able to win this war. I have much guilt about taking his daughter from him, though I know I wouldn't miss a beat in this regard if he would have lived. Maybe more guilt about not doing something sooner. I miss him desperately, but have no choice but to learn to live (in the physical world) without him. But my heart is his now and forever.

Korina

[Deb625]

Hi BW,

I"m sorry for you loss, Cancer is an unforgiving disease and losing one's other half in life tragically is so painful. You mentioned you had gone to thereapy. Do you find one on one better or group? I know I have to deal with the both the trauma of addiction and then the death and know I'm going to need help with this. It is all too new and the pain to fresh at the moment, however in the coming months, I'll be seeking help somewhere.I just don't want to wake up in five yeare not having dealt with this. I know Michael wouldn't want me to be a mess like I am right now forever... Thank you, Debby

[Deb625]

Hi Korina,

I'm so sad for you, we all know who have lived with addictions you can't cure, didn't cause it and couldn't control it. I have no regrets leaving, we talked a lot and he wasn't getting better with me there and I was only getting worse (crying everyday). I do wich I'd stayed until he had got into detox, as I know he wouldn't have gone as far into his addictions with me there, but it is all hindsight. Our loss is tragic. My husband fought hard, but when the disease gripped him, it was over-powering. We never never gave up on our love, respect and committment to eachother, alcohol just simply won the battle. I do so hope he is at peace. My partner wrote in his rehab journals that he traded the bottle for a family, I traded a family for him. Your leaving him was a healthy choice and one for the sake of your daughter that had to be made - I'm sure Scott respected this. Having a child must make smiling now and again easier (children are so full of life and love), though I know it probably makes the loss harder at times too... You must hold dear that he was trying to be the man you knew and loved, and that you got a least a little while with him as he was meant to be (sober). Mike and I went to Bali and Taiwan in October when he had been sober for 8 months, it was wonderful and we had a magical time - he actually had two 45th birthdays with the time changes coming home(Oct 18th). We both agreed it was a trip of a lifetime - we just couldn't know it would be our last... It was when Michael felt good about life that addiction would scream back in. He started drinking again in November and within 6 months the alcohol took him away... Right now it is just one foot in front of the other and coping with each day... No one gives us a road-map as we just muddle through. My family is of great support, Michael's family is riddled with addiction and denial. It was always Michael's problem and therefore why should we have to support him? When Michael would drink again it would be "oh good, the boy can handle it again", this all hurt him deeply and he never could reconcile this pain. His family on the "out-side" are quite normal, it is only when you see inside that you got to see all the "cracks" and how utterly sick they were. The only good thing in this journey I'm living now is that his family is baggage I'll get to leave behind in the near future (i.e. once the Estate is settled), I will be glad when the day arrives... All the best to you and thanks for listening. Sincerely, Debby

[Billw]

Hi Deb I sent you a PM. Let me know if you don't get it. sometimes the computer gets the best of me. Hang in there. God Bless.

BW

[kayc]

Deb,

I am so sorry for your loss and all that you have suffered. His family didn't honor your wishes because they are themselves caught up in the same illness. My heart goes out to you in all that you are feeling and having to go through.

My own George had a drug addiction that he was attempting to overcome when he was suddenly struck with a heart attack, it was five years ago on June 19, which that year happened to land on Father's Day.

What you will be dealing with, as myself, is complicated grief. Do not be surprised by the different things you will feel and deal with, they are normal, all of them. It took me until about the third year to incorporate the whole of the man into one, to forgive him his shortcomings and honor and exalt the good of him and recognize him as one being that I loved more than anything in the world. I realize that although his battle would have been difficult, I do believe our love and faith in one another would have surmounted anything and we would have persevered and overcome any and all obstacles, for such was our love. I do not kid myself that it would have been easy. Instead, it was me left to deal with it all and he was spared. I do not resent that, although I'm sure there was a time or two I lamented over it, for I am glad he no longer suffers his demons, let alone any physical pain or infirmities his living would have left him with, for I know what he would have gone through and am glad he is out of it. But oh how I miss him and have occasionally railed against the injustice of it all! I have, eventually, come to accept it...knowing that acceptance does not equate with "liking" it or wishing it, but just that what is, is, and nothing much I can do or wish can change it.

You were, in every sense of the word, his wife, his soul mate, and you are left with that empty spot shaped just like him inside of you...that is the tribute to your love, and the loss you feel equals the greatness of that love and all that you shared.

There is a song that often comes to my mind...Garth Brooks' "The Dance" and it is how I feel...

"The Dance"

Looking back on the memory of

The dance we shared 'neath the stars above

For a moment all the world was right

How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything

For a moment wasn't I a king

But if I'd only known how the king would fall

Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance

I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

[nats]

Deb,

I'm sorry for your loss and feel the pain and heartache you feel, my wife Ruth joined the Lord on 2/14/10 the day of Love, I am a recovering addict of several chemicals including alcohol which cost me my first marriage of 25 years, I wanted to take a drink so bad the day Ruth left but my promise to God, Ruth and my Children I could not break, I remain sober, I'm on anxiety meds but carefull with them as I know where they can lead...we all have a common bond here the loss of our loved ones and you will find great support here we all welcome you, I just wish we all didn't have to meet here but God has his way....some simple steps I can offer is take it day by day, take care of yourself and eat, I've lost 25lbs since Ruth left and just now starting to eat regular, it does get eaiser as the days go by, if you are a person of faith put your trust in God fully and you will find comfort, I still cry often and I'm spending alot of time with someone who lost her husband 11 months ago, it's good for both of us as we share stories about our spouses and we are building our own "new" relationship, people ask about guilt but I have none Ruth and I spoke about my life after she was gone as we knew from the start it was only a matter of time, so we loved each other like there was no tomorrow and she insisted I move on and share the Love I have to offer with someone special when the time came, so I have her blessing....I pray you will find comfort and the pain will ease for you, try and focus on the happy times you had that helps it'll make you cry at first but there is comfort...and remember this old saying "it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all"....and no one can ever take away the memories and feelings in your mind and heart.....

May God Bless

NATS

[Deb625]

Hi Nats,

Thank you for your reply, I'm exhausted today, even though I had a fairly decent sleep, I just can't seem to shake the tiredness and just want to go and have a nap - I'm working at the moment, so that is just not possible... I'm sorry you lost your wife and glad that you stay strong in your grief. This is such a mixed up world that I could never have imagined being in. The journey of things I'm not to be doing is how I refer to it. My one regret is I do wish I'd stayed with Michael until he got into Detox (he was on a 3-5 week wait), however, I don't regret leaving as I was working on making us a better, healthier home - a home outside of addictions for him to come to when he got better and as such, I'm grateful, that I am at least not in our old apartment surrounded by the memories of illness. It is just another day of one step in front of the other... Thanks for listening, Deb

[Korina]

Deb:

Thank you so much for your words, they bring me some peace and tears at the same time. In some ways, your situation sounds very much like mine - Scott was sober for almost a year - best year of my life - until he started drinking again. Sigh, I just don't feel like writing about it Scott was a wonderful man - such a waste. But I do believe he is watching over the two of us.

Korina

[jjaz]

First and foremost, my condolences go out to everyone that has lost their 'Love'. My husband Bob passed away this last December from alcoholic liver disease and Hep C. We had been married for over 22 years. The last several years our marriage had been torn apart by his alcolohism and prescription drug abuse. He had always been a heavy, but controlled drinker (if there is such a thing). About 8 years ago he found out he had Hep C and also had some major business problems, and turned to the bottle. He did go to rehab about 2 years ago, but he never stayed sober.

What hurt me so horribly was watching him kill himself. I did everything that I could to try to get him back into rehab. The beginning of October 2009 he took a bad fall and split his knee open - it required 35 stitches. This was the beginning of the end. By the end of October he was under the care of Hospice of the Valley (HOV). By mid November he was too weak to stand or walk and was relegated to stay in bed. I had to feed him, change him, clean him....everything. It was so awful watching his body and mind shrink away. I was so guilt ridden by the feelings of anger that I was having toward him. I knew that his death was self induced and it was too late for him to do anything about it. To add insult to injury, I lost my job. I was on intermittant FMLA and they 'eliminated' my job. I never had the heart to tell him, he would have worried too much about it. In the end, it ended up being a blessing in disguise because he needed me at home. There was no way I could have worked AND taken care of him.

I still have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I am happy that he is out of pain, and no longer has to struggle with the demons of drugs and alcohol. I also miss him horribly and long to hear his voice and feel his touch. On the other hand, I am still angry that he did this to himself. His disease not only took his life, but has left me and our daughters devastated financially. I will be having to deal with the aftermath of his disease for a long long time.

Thank you for listening - I'm sure all of you have had to deal with this horrible disease, and my heart goes out to you.

jjaz

[Korina]

I am very thankful that those of us who have lost their loved ones to addiction can talk about it without stigma. It really is a disease, both pyschological and physical, and it helps that people here understand this. Scott was an incredible person and I miss him so much, all the lost opportunities. I find myself crying a lot, tonight. I think I have been so busy over the last month (applying for a new position at work through an intensive process, lots of visitors during the one year anniversary) that I have not given myself time to acknowledge the one year angelversary.

Thanks for listening.

Korina

[Deb625]

Hi Korina, Addiction is a cunning, baffling disease that no-one should have to go through and very painful to watch. I know for my Michael, the disease "tricked" him over and over again and once it grabbed hold of his mind, he wasn't capable of making sound, healthy choices. Those living outside of addictions see only the hurt they cause us and the selfishness of the addict, they don't see and can't fathom the pain the addict goes through hurting themselves and those they love and they don't realize that they simply don't have the ability to "just stop", not without full support of those around them and a network of professionals and even then it is hard for them to reach out and accept their disease. I know my Michael tried, he fought for sobriety, but then "it" the disease would grab him again. Michael "isolated" in addictions, which made it so much harder for him to reach out and take the support around him and he also lived with no support or negative support from his immediate family (his trauma triggers I referred to them as), which I can't imagine - I have a good, healthy support network. It is all so sad. Logically, I know I didn't cause it, couldn't cure it and definitely couldn't control Michael in his addictions, I think I let go of that blame a long time ago, with a lot of help and understanding of the world of the addictions. It doesn't make watching someone you love die any easier and I know I always held such hope for him and for us and the life we should be living - like you I had periods with him in sobriety and got to be with the man I know, cherish and love. Michael was kind,loving, funny, smart, talented (he played beautiful guitar and painted as well) - he was so much more than his addictions. The pain losing him and the reality that he is not here to hold me in his arms and tell me it will all be okay, is still so unbearable and simply not fair. I so want for him to be at peace, but at the same time I just want him back - I had a future with Michael, now, I have no future and just pain in my soul and my heart is broken. I've now lived for 7 weeks without Michael, it hasn't gotten easier and I just finished yet another box of tissues... Living is simply one day at a time and placing one foot in front of the other. I am so sorry for your loss and grateful for this site of "like" people to share with, it is good to see the strength and promise that while our loved ones will never be forgotten, perhaps one day, we may find peace and a future again - for me, that time is just not today... Take care and be gentle with yourself, Deb

[michelle08]

Hi I'm Michelle and I know exactly what your going through. I just loss my husband of 10 years at the age of 50 to alcohol. It has been a living hell for me because we moved here to Arizona in 2001 and I never thought that in 9 years I would be along without anyone. It just seemed like over the past year and half it was worse. I did leave him for about two weeks and we saw each other everyday and then the day before we were to move back into our house together I came over after work to check on him and he was dead in our bathroom floor. I called 911 and then ICU then HOV. It was about 1 week total but was already brain death. It is a living nightmare to me. His birthday will be this coming week and it is so hard. I buried him on March 8th 2010. Since then I have loss my job, none here in Arizona and I think I am the one that has hit rock bottom now, I just wanted to tell you I know how you feel and I'm here for you .

[Deb625]

Hi Michelle,

I'm sorry for your loss. It is so crippling and I so wish to have my life the way it was such a short time ago... It is a nightmare that we have to face and somehow are supposed to rise above, I'm still at the point 2 months in that I don't have a clue on how you go about this. It all just hurts and hurts more than anything I've ever had to go through. Dying of addictions is somehow so wrong, as there is always so much hope for recovery and their lives are cut short from something they could have changed - not that for the addict change is easy, but it is not a fatal disease - it just can be a fatal disease i.e. there is a cure if the person has the will, ability and support around them. Michael's father on the weekend said he feels it was "fate", "when your time is up,it's up". I later thought this thinking makes it so easy for him, he doesn't have to think that if he offered any support (they (parents and only sister) offered little or negative support to their son), Michael's recovery (when he was in recovery), would have been stronger and his "fate" may have changed... And if his fate changed, then maybe I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't be lonely, I would still have my best friend and love of my life with me. I just miss him, every waking hour of every day. It is hard, this grieving and I'm trying to be gentle and patient however, it all just hurts. I'm sorry you've had compounded issues with your personal life - job and location - hopefully this will sort itself out - I'll send positive thoughts your way. Take care and thanks for listening, Deb

[michelle08]

Hi Deb

It is so good to hear from someone that understands how you feel. Yes, it is a lonely process and maybe 5 hours out of a day that I'm not crying,praying. I read the poem "If I could just phone " and if only. I'm sitting here at 10:23pm crying my eyes out trying to get the right thoughts about everything. I know it is hard but with friends like you and this site is so amazing.

I have his parents and a sister and brother and etc... but they blame me and they don't speak to me anymore since the funeral. I am trying to move on and with the good lord above it will happen soon. If ever you need someone to talk to or just listen please feel free to drop me a line or email me at mmrood@yahoo.com. I check this forum almost everyday.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Michelle

[Deb625]

Hi Michelle, my husbands addictions doctor called me when he had heard Michael had died and SCREAMED at me "IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT" you too have to learn to believe this, and I know there are lots of would have, should have, could have's that go through our minds, I feel they do with any death, because loss is simply so painful and in the case of the addict so unnecessary. I had a really bad day day before yesterday where I sobbed the whole day and night and finally took half a sleeping pill at 3am to finally get some sleep. The loss is simply overwhelming sometimes and people don't understand that for me anyways, I have almost panic attacks trying to do everyday things such as walking into a supermarket, just the thought of shopping for one sends me into a tailspin. My friends are all going to a blues festival and greatly looking forward to us all getting together. This is a festival that Michael and I went to for over 10 years, I have to go as I should "life goes on", but I am so filled with anxiety over being there without Michael, I may just get there and then run home (it's 2 1/2 hours away). How I'll cope I don't know. I know the only reason I will go is it is with friends and family I've known for over 20 years so there's nothing that I could do to offend them and they are there to support me in my tears. I am not looking forward to it. I'm sorry his family isn't supportive, Michael's is, however, only as they know how. They have never accepted his "disease" and therefore are in denial of the role they played. It hurt Michael very much and I blame much of the ending on them and their inability to support him. I don't share how I feel with them, I do recognize they are grieving too - it is something they will have to bear one day and only when they come to terms with all of this and it will come most likely when they one day admit their own addictions (if ever), it is not my burden to carry. I have good friends and family that are supportive and most that also understand the disease. With your friends and family, keep reaching out, I know it's hard and the thoughts of "isolating" are much easier, we don't want to burden people with our grief, however, I don't think pretending is good either - I need to listen to this advice myself as I know I want and tend to hide away... This group is great and allows us to talk freely, to know were not crazy, to know were not the only ones that feel this hurt and pain - just wish we didn't have to be here... Well, as with all days, it is one foot in front of the other and I must make my feet get out of the house and make it to the office. Thanks for listening, Deb

[jjaz]

Michelle -

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with your husbands death, and isolation from his family. It is stressful for a family to go through the death of a loved one, especially when it is self-induced.

My husband Bob passed away last December. I have been struggling - emotionally and financially since that time. We have 2 daughters, 19 and 22, and they have been very supportive. He had 2 sons from a previous marriage, and they have just gone back to their lives. The only contact has been initiated by me. As a matter of fact, I recently found out the oldest (36 years old) deleted my phone number from his cell phone. I sent him a text, and he sent a text back asking who was texting him. Unbelievable, considering I have been in his life since he was 11 years old. I also just found out that the younger son is moving his family to Tucson. He didn't tell me - I heard about it from my Mother-in-law. I guess now that their Dad is gone they have no use for me or their step sisters.

Bob's family never really believed how bad he was until it was too late. I still talk to his Mom, but everyone else has run back to their own lives. It is amazing how you think your part of a family for over 22 years only to find out that you really are not. It hurts, and lately I find myself crying and wondering what I did wrong.

Even though it has been almost 7 months since he died, I feel like my grief is just starting to come out. When he first died I was angry. Angry that he did this to himself, and had done nothing to protect me or his daughters financially. Now I am having to look for a new place to live. I cannot afford our home anymore and I am scared and don't know where I will go. He also left me with huge credit card debt, which he used to fund his addiction. I thought I could bankrupt - I cannot. Although I don't have a lot of assets, I would have to liquidate my daughters college fund and give what little I have in insurance money to the court. His parents are very well off, and of course, have not even offered to help me (yes, they are aware of my situation). The whole thing just sickens me. My family is helping, but they are limited as to what they can do.

I have found myself crying alot over the last week. I feel bad that I was so angry with him at the end. He knew I was upset. I wish now that I would have put that aside, and just held him in my arms. I loved him, I know he knew that, but I'm sure I hurt him by being angry. I was so hell bent in letting him know how mad I was that he didn't listen to me, his daughters, the doctors.....everyone.

I'm sorry for rambling on..........just having a lot of regrets on how I handled things. I truly miss him!

Thanks for listening