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I Don't Understand


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I haven't talked yet about that. I understand that a lot of people don't know hot to react and that they don't understand how I feel, if they haven't experienced the death of someone they deeply love ... I understand that they didn't know whether to call me of not. What really bothers me is a message that I got from my friend, my good friend actually, who I could talk to about his disease and how I felt ... About 2 years ago that friend moved abroad, to live with her boyfriend - she comes home a few times a year and we used to go for a drink. We were writing emails etc. What I really don't understand is the SMS that she sent to me one day after his funeral, in which she wrote: "I'm having a really hard time" - and something which I don't remember anymore, some personal problems, but I really can't understand how she could write that to me when I had just buried the one person I love most and were havin the hardest time ever (which I still have ...)!!! I didn't answer and I deleted that message instantly. However, it still bothers me ... I haven't been in touch with her since.

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  • 1 month later...

Troublesome. I'm very sorry you feel that way. It's hard to have others lean on YOU when it really should be you leaning on THEM. Did you ever find out why or what it was that she was having a hard time with? I hope she was not being insensitive towards you in your time of need. When you are ready, I would encourage you to give her a call/email, whatever you feel comfortable with. (That may not be for a very long time, but at least consider it.) I hope my little piece of advice helps. I send my very best wishes to you.

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  • 1 month later...

I know, some people's responses to our grief seems very inappropriate. I think most of us can share experiences that weren't helpful and maybe even hurt us. She sounds insensitive and you don't have to agree with or like or excuse that. Some people aren't good at coping or being there for someone else, some people are self-centered...but then again, maybe she was really having a hard time that was making it difficult for her to see that your hard time really was even greater. I had one person tell me that they understood what I was going through (I just lost my beloved husband, my best friend, my soul mate) because he had lost his parrot a year ago...and it hadn't come back for three days. The parrot hadn't even died and he's equating it with my losing my other half, my husband?! I think some people in their desire to relate, over analize and stretch it a bit and instead of trying to compare our experiences and theirs we just need to be there for each other, to care, to listen, to help in any tangible way we can. You must feel very disappointed in your friend's response. If you feel it's worth it, you can, with time, try to forgive her and talk with her about how hurt you felt by her lack of validation...if you don't think it's worth salvaging, you can just let it go, but you'll know better how you feel over all with time, when it's not so fresh. Good luck at any rate, at least you've learned something about empathy by your friend's lack and you can use this lesson to help you be there in a real way for someone in the future when the situation arises.

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Thank you for your answers. I haven't been thinking much about that lately. I'm not able of reaching people, I haven't seen most of my friends (except the ones I work with) since - which means for almost months! If she contacts me, I think I'll talk to her. People mostly don't call anymore, as I didn't answer the phone for months. I know I have changed, in a way I want to be left alone the whole time, but in a way I feel even worse because that makes me feel nobody cares anymore??? Anyway, thank you for your answers. KayC - I can't believe people could say such things!?!?!?! Sorry you had to hear that.

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