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Facing Cancer/surgery Without My Love


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I will not be posting for a time. I find myself feeling some anger that my love is not here now as I face surgery. She would be taking me to the hospital, she would be holding my hand till they took me to the operating room, she would be there when I woke up. She should be here now. I struggle to accept that she chose to end her life. I struggle to let myself feel angry at her for abandoning me, our life, our dreams, our love; and yet I feel angry.

I feel all the support here. I am not alone. I can do this, I can face surgery on my own.

I will close with an image I use some times that helps me to remember that all feeling states eventually end/change. I think of the image of the waves on the ocean, the wave being all the pain we feel and all waves eventually reach the shore and dissipate, and that wave of pain is transformed.

Courage to everyone as we collectively mourn.

Blessings,

Sunstreet

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Sunstreet,

You will be in my thoughts as you face this surgery without your loved one. (I wish I could say prayers but I'm still too angry at God or whoever).

Just know that you have every single right to be angry, you also have the right to be angry at her. I too get angry with my Dad at times, my Mom was also every angry with him in those first months. But I'm sure they understand, they know the anger is because of the loss we are left with, the loneliness, all the "could have beens, should have beens".

I lashed out last week over something I needed my Dad for, I screamed, shouted and cursed then it turned to tears. My Mom just said to me to always let the anger out when I feel it and I do. It does not take away the pain or anything but it's got to be better than keeping it inside.

As long as the anger is not endangering you or anyone feel free to let it out. Sometimes I feel like I want to take some cups or glasses and smash them outside against the wall in the garden.....actually this just reminded me, I take glass bottles to the bottle bank every so often and I fire them into the container so hard, it's like a release when I do it, I just smash them in so hard.

So just know that the anger you have is absolutely normal.

sending you lots of love, comfort, strength and peace as you face your surgery. I'm sure everyone here will be thinking of you, lots will be praying for you and we will wait your return.

take care hun,

niamh

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Sunstreet, I have no words for you other than I am sorry you have to face this alone. I can completely understand how afraid you must be. Again, I am sincerely sorry for your loss.

RW

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Sunstreet:

You should be through your surgery, now, and I am wishing you a very positive outcome!

Korina

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Sunstreet,

I'm praying for you also. I can't imagine facing a serious health problem right now. I have faced problems in my life this past year and understand your feelings of being alone, without the support of the one person you could always count on to be there. I know she is not on this earth with you now, but I pray you are able to feel her encouragement, her love, and gentle strength when you feel weak and scared. You are so brave. I hope you are recovering well.- Cheryl

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Sunstreet,

Praying you are doing well...I had decided if I faced a serious issue with my health I would just put it in God's

hands no treatments, but after thinking about it would depend on the issue I can not imagine going thru that without

your loved one...may God Bless you and provide comfort in healing....

NATS

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  • 1 month later...

Sunstreet,

You will be in my thoughts as you face this surgery without your loved one. (I wish I could say prayers but I'm still too angry at God or whoever).

Just know that you have every single right to be angry, you also have the right to be angry at her. I too get angry with my Dad at times, my Mom was also every angry with him in those first months. But I'm sure they understand, they know the anger is because of the loss we are left with, the loneliness, all the "could have beens, should have beens".

I lashed out last week over something I needed my Dad for, I screamed, shouted and cursed then it turned to tears. My Mom just said to me to always let the anger out when I feel it and I do. It does not take away the pain or anything but it's got to be better than keeping it inside.

As long as the anger is not endangering you or anyone feel free to let it out. Sometimes I feel like I want to take some cups or glasses and smash them outside against the wall in the garden.....actually this just reminded me, I take glass bottles to the bottle bank every so often and I fire them into the container so hard, it's like a release when I do it, I just smash them in so hard.

So just know that the anger you have is absolutely normal.

sending you lots of love, comfort, strength and peace as you face your surgery. I'm sure everyone here will be thinking of you, lots will be praying for you and we will wait your return.

take care hun,

niamh

Dear Niamh,

Thank you for your well wishes. Thank you for sharing your anger with me as it helps me to feel mine. I am sorry for your pain.

Sunstreet

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Sunstreet,

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery.

Take care, Kat

Kat,

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Sunstreet

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You are showing much strength and courage. I will be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way. You are taking care of yourself and thats what you need to focus on right now. Stay in touch when you can, Deborah

Deborah,

Thank you so much.

Sunstreet

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We are all with you, thinking of you and holding you close, Sunstreet ~ especially tomorrow . . .:wub:

Marty,

Thank you so very much.

Sunstreet

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Sunstreet,

I will also say a prayer for you that all goes well with your surgery.

Mary Lou

Mary Lou,

Thank you so very much.

Sunstreet

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Sunstreet, I have no words for you other than I am sorry you have to face this alone. I can completely understand how afraid you must be. Again, I am sincerely sorry for your loss.

RW

Dear RW,

Thank you very much.

Sunstreet

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Dear Sunstreet

you are in my thoughts and prayers, I hope all goes well with your surgery, and you recover quickly.

God Bless

Karen

Karen,

Thank you very much.

Sunstreet

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Sunstreet:

You should be through your surgery, now, and I am wishing you a very positive outcome!

Korina

Dear Korina,

Thank you so much.

Sunstreet

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Sunstreet,

I'm praying for you also. I can't imagine facing a serious health problem right now. I have faced problems in my life this past year and understand your feelings of being alone, without the support of the one person you could always count on to be there. I know she is not on this earth with you now, but I pray you are able to feel her encouragement, her love, and gentle strength when you feel weak and scared. You are so brave. I hope you are recovering well.- Cheryl

Cheryl,

Thank you for your prayers. I am sorry for your loss and the problems you have had to face.

Sunstreet

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Sunstreet,

Praying you are doing well...I had decided if I faced a serious issue with my health I would just put it in God's

hands no treatments, but after thinking about it would depend on the issue I can not imagine going thru that without

your loved one...may God Bless you and provide comfort in healing....

NATS

NATS,

Thank you so very much.

Sunstreet

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sunstreet,

I missed this post the first time around...it's been a couple of months now, how are you doing?

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sunstreet,

I missed this post the first time around...it's been a couple of months now, how are you doing?

Dear Kayc,

No worries, I am doing well. I have been through much in my life and I am a very strong woman. It is my true belief that surviving losses is a choice. I believe that surviving losses causes us to feel that we can not control any part of our life's at times and I believe we walk along a fence afraid to go forward with our life and afraid to look back and be reminded of our loved one's death. I believe that it is perfectly normal to walk along the fence for a time, and it is ok to ask for help if we feel we dare not step off of the fence. I have stepped off of the fence and looked back and forward and now the safety of the fence is there whenever I need it.

Blessings,

Sunstreet

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