Abortion

[Chris]

My girlfriend and I got pregnant about two months ago.

She went and took the abortion pill yesterday.

I begged her not to, not marry me and have this child.

But she said no.

She doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore.

I am grieiving not only the loss of our possible child together,

But the loss of our possible life together.

I'm not even sure where to begin,

But I still can't believe that she actually went through with it.

[MartyT]

My dear Chris,

I am deeply saddened by your message and can only imagine how overwhelmed, devastated and alone you must feel. Your entire world has been turned upside down, as you have sustained not only the loss of your girlfriend but also the loss of your unborn child, along with your hopes, dreams, expectations, fantasies and wishes for the future.

I am reminded of a poignant piece that is posted on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site:

When we’ve changed our religious views or political convictions,

a part of our past dies.

When love ends,

be it the first mad romance of adolescence,

the love that will not sustain a marriage,

or the love of a failed friendship,

it is the same.

A death.

Likewise in the event of a miscarriage

or an abortion:

a possibility is dead.

And there is no public or even private funeral.

Sometimes only regret and nostalgia mark the passage.

And the last rites are held

in the solitude of one’s most secret self —

a service of mourning

in the tabernacle of the soul.

— Robert Fulghum, in From Beginning to End

The grief that surrounds the death of a relationship is real, and so is the grief that accompanies the death of an unborn child. In both instances there are feelings of deep sadness, which may be complicated by the attitude of others that, in the case of an abortion, you don’t have a legitimate right to grieve. People can be very judgmental about these matters, and the support you find from family and friends may be minimal at best. Sadly enough, in the grief that follows an abortion, the person most “forgotten” is the father, whether he is married to the mother or not. And the more conscientious he is, the more guilt and pain he will carry.

I want to assure you that you have a right to grieve and to mourn these losses, Chris, and I hope you won’t try to struggle through them all by yourself. As you can see from reading some of the other posts in this Loss of a Child forum, there are dozens of resources that stand ready to help, and I hope you will make the effort to find and utilize some of them. Please pay a visit to the Links page of my Grief Healing Web site, then scroll down,click on and explore some of the many sites listed under the categories labeled DEATH OF AN INFANT / CHILD / GRANDCHILD and DEATH OF A RELATIONSHIP.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T