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I'm New Here....and Feeling Lost

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Hi all

Im new to this board. I was active on a caregivers board for almost 2 years, but now that my mom has passed, I don't feel a part of much of anything.

Mom passed April 16. Even though she was on a SLOW decline...her passing was unexpected and we weren't ready. I don't know that you ever are ready.

I believe the meds drs were trying sped up her demise. I was her POA, which stopped at her death and Im now the exector of her "estate". She doesn't have much and we will be lucky to make ends meet with all the bills....but her "things" meant something to her.

Im angry, sad, and think I want to do something....get into that room or store and don't want to be there. I understand all this as being "normal" since I went through it with the death of my father almost 8 years ago...but knowing that doesn't really make it easier.

I felt much like I was taking on city hall when fighting the elder health care system. I believe my mom was falling through the cracks....and no one listened or cared because their main concern was to shut her up. She was feisty....and mean at times...and very hard to care for. Ive gone through aides quitting, my 13 year old crying and meeting me at the door after work, and husband throwing up his hands (only one time as he is SUPER patient and I am sure thankful for that).

Mom wasn't very nice to us all our lives...to a point that my older sister didn't speak to her for the last 30+ years of her life. But my other sis and I loved her no matter what and knew she was the only mom we would have.

I didn't do perfectly. Lost my temper at times and the role reversal was SO hard. I know it was hard on her too. To lose her independence had to be so hard. She was very strong, independent, and stubborn. But I loved her. I had her living with us the last part of her life until she became too sick to be here. That was only for the last couple months. And I kept telling her "eat mother.....do your physical therapy so you can come home". I felt I was lying to her. I knew she was going to be awhile if at all before she could come home. She lost weight rapidly....didn't eat, etc. She lost her will to live after a certain medication. I am SO angry about the medications.

Im sorry......nothing uplifting here. Im just down and wanted to find a place to "belong".



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  • 4 weeks later...

My mom died just a few weeks ago. I was there the last week of her life, and heard about the few months of care and attention she needed. Her passing was fast, what she wanted and I am not at all sure that she was not 'hurried' by the medications. If she was, then it was a blessing to us all.. as well as her.

For three weeks I remembered all the good stuff.. all the things that made her so special and for which I am deeply grateful she was my mother.. then I began to be cranky and uncomfortable myself.. began to cry at commercials... found myself annoyed with the plans for the memorial.. had a heck of a time making a rememberance of her - and finally picked a fight with my sisters.. only to finally discover that the bad stuff had to come out to be remembered and felt.. and I am now going back and forth between how much I loved her and how much I hated her.. kind of like bridging the gap of you and your sister... My mom did things that damaged us, she abused her position as mom, was often embarrasing in public with her drunkenness and nastiness... She got very cranky the last few years of her life, but had spent most of it yelling at stop lights, cursing people behind their backs and being a nasty person to others.. She saved some her most vicious stuff for us.

It sounds to me like you were able to find forgiveness in your heart and love your mom anyway. I had times of being able to do that and other times I had to get far, far away from her.

It also sounds to me like you did wonderfully for her and your self.

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