kayc Posted February 8, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2017 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrissyuk Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 Well you posted to mine and I am grateful for that. Many years ago I discovered my partner of 10 years was having an affair with a member of his staff. We had ups and downs - how do you cope when the person and relationship that would normally be the support in your life is actually the source of the pain? Eventually he moved out and into his own home in the same small town. We had got to being on friendly terms and I even organised his move because he was at work that day. Months on the other woman was gone and it did seem that we were beginning to rekindle something. He was going to come round on Christmas Day and I cooked Christmas Dinner for us both. But he didn't turn up. Eventually I walked round to his home and was brought up sharp when I heard a woman's laughter inside. I stood outside in the rain and cried. How could anyone be so cruel? Had he simply forgotten? When I got home I realised I was at rock bottom and decided it was going to be upwards from then on. That was my 'closure'. We did eventually go on to be on friendly terms though. I hope things have resolved for you now. From looking at the other posts it seems you have been a great source of help for many others. Chrissy 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 1, 2017 Author Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 Hi Chrissy, It was just that day that I couldn't post to others, something wrong with the website or computer. I've had many losses so am on all parts of the forum. In this thread it was my fiance, no cheating, he just blindsided me when his mom was dying. I've since learned that is a common grief response, although thank God not everyone responds like that. We have become good friends since but I wouldn't want to be with someone I couldn't count on to be with me through thick and thin. It sounds like you're much better off without this guy, no one needs a cheater! I'm sorry for your broken heart, I know all too well what that feels like too. You ask how you cope when it's your best friend that's caused your heartbreak? By focusing on yourself, self care, spending time with family and friends, working on developing other interests. I think I cried for months! My house was never so clean, I had to do something with all of that energy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 17, 2020 Author Report Share Posted June 17, 2020 The main thing I've learned through all of this is to never accept less than what you want/need in someone, value yourself! You can't even be friends with them unless/until you've had time enough away from them to gain clarity and to accept them in this new position of "friendship." If you are secretly hoping for something else, that can be manipulative and not healthy for either of you. I would not want someone who would flee when hard things came in life, I prefer, instead, to have someone by my side through thick and thin...or not at all. THAT is my idea of a partner! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 21, 2022 Author Report Share Posted August 21, 2022 I just got the news last night that Jim and Deeta never divorced...that means I was engaged to a married man! I was shocked, felt very betrayed, stunned, all these years later!!! But this came from Deeta, she's not the brightest, haven't heard Jim's take on it, he definitely told me he'd been divorced two years at the point we met. She said they're having their 50th on 1/19/23. All a moot point right now but still, I'm shocked! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rae1991 Posted August 22, 2022 Report Share Posted August 22, 2022 14 hours ago, kayc said: I just got the news last night that Jim and Deeta never divorced...that means I was engaged to a married man! I was shocked, felt very betrayed, stunned, all these years later!!! But this came from Deeta, she's not the brightest, haven't heard Jim's take on it, he definitely told me he'd been divorced two years at the point we met. She said they're having their 50th on 1/19/23. All a moot point right now but still, I'm shocked! Ugh, how awful of him to deceive you like that if it is true. All that time you spent with him and he still kept life-altering secrets. You are right to be shocked, even now. You are right to feel betrayed because that's exactly what he did: betrayed you. Your entire relationship was founded on a lie that would have come to head when you began filling out marriage paperwork and planning the wedding. Even if he had come clean about it before you got married, how could you trust him after that? I wouldn't be able to as that is a huge breach of trust and an offense that would end in an indefinite break-up. The things people will say/do to keep up appearances and the lies they tell their loved ones so nonchalantly, are shocking. It makes it hard to want to date/get into a relationship again. You deserve better than he could offer, and I hope that you know his lying to you to maintain a relationship is not your fault and that there was no way you could have known. Do what you need to process that information, if it is true I would cut ties with him, even as a friend. Regardless of what you do, continue to take care of yourself and enjoying life. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 22, 2022 Author Report Share Posted August 22, 2022 I need to talk to him about it. But yes, it was shocking, we even went to premarital counseling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 24, 2022 Author Report Share Posted September 24, 2022 Last night Jim called...and confirmed what Deeta (his wife) already told me a month ago. Wow. EVERYONE in his family, friends, neighbors, they ALL kept up the charade! I really feel duped and betrayed! We met June of 2009, even went to the same school together in Junior High, but not in High School, he was two years younger than me so I didn't remember him. I mean the neighbors he knew for over 30 years, "mom and dad," his grown kids, I even went to his daughter's wedding! Deeta was there, didn't say a thing. His granddaughter. His roommate. Everyone. His daughter called me when he was in the hospital years later and said I was the only one he asked for! We remained friends after the breakup, all these years. I mean, wow. I don't know anyone who has ever been duped so bad... I am just blown away. Not that I ever held out hopes for us becoming anything, but I thought we were friends. I never dreamed he'd deceive me to this extent. He even went to church with me the entire 14 months we were together. Unreal. I don't see any point in it! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rae1991 Posted October 1, 2022 Report Share Posted October 1, 2022 On 9/24/2022 at 6:40 PM, kayc said: Last night Jim called...and confirmed what Deeta (his wife) already told me a month ago. Wow. EVERYONE in his family, friends, neighbors, they ALL kept up the charade! I really feel duped and betrayed! We met June of 2009, even went to the same school together in Junior High, but not in High School, he was two years younger than me so I didn't remember him. I mean the neighbors he knew for over 30 years, "mom and dad," his grown kids, I even went to his daughter's wedding! Deeta was there, didn't say a thing. His granddaughter. His roommate. Everyone. His daughter called me when he was in the hospital years later and said I was the only one he asked for! We remained friends after the breakup, all these years. I mean, wow. I don't know anyone who has ever been duped so bad... I am just blown away. Not that I ever held out hopes for us becoming anything, but I thought we were friends. I never dreamed he'd deceive me to this extent. He even went to church with me the entire 14 months we were together. Unreal. I don't see any point in it! My dear Kay, I am so sorry for you. Even 12 years on, what he did to you is unconscionable. He founded your entire relationship, and friendship, on false pretenses. The people around him who knew and didn't bother to have the respect for you to say something, are as lacking in integrity as he is. This man is not your friend. No one who cares for you would do this. One just doesn't simply forget they are legally married while engaged to someone else. I have a feeling that grief wasn't the only culprit in his breaking up. But to then string you along as a friend for 12 years and still keep this secret? Who does he think he is?! I don't mean to be of offense, but it is clear now he never intended to marry you. The audacity, the arrogance, to propose marriage and play the part of fiance, while still married to someone else knowing you are lying. His being on the Spectrum is not an excuse either, he knows better, and that's why he lied. Do not make excuses for him, he did this consciously, and so did everyone around him who knew. That is a level of deceit I cannot even fathom. You are right to be gobsmacked and feel betrayed, because his betrayal began the day he entered into a romantic relationship with you before getting his prior affairs in order. I hope you can heal from this betrayal, as you have before. There is no way you could have known. NONE of what he/they did was your fault. Rae 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 1, 2022 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2022 Trust me, I feel exactly as you do on this. I have been shocked on every level! The arrogance and betrayal astounds me! I realize fully what you are saying. I am not stupid by any means. This goes beyond anything I have ever seen or heard of anyone doing to someone ever! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 4, 2022 Author Report Share Posted October 4, 2022 Yesterday he called...I didn't answer. Or it could have been his wife. Either way, I'm done. I'm still stunned at this level of betrayal. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rae1991 Posted October 9, 2022 Report Share Posted October 9, 2022 On 10/4/2022 at 8:06 AM, kayc said: Yesterday he called...I didn't answer. Or it could have been his wife. Either way, I'm done. I'm still stunned at this level of betrayal. UGH. OF COURSE HE DID. He doesn't think he did anything wrong. Sounds like my ex: Delusional and so lacking in empathy and self-awareness, it is utterly astounding they've had any relationships. They may have been long-term relationships, but it doesn't mean they had substance, connection, or were fulfilling for the partners. It truly scares me that there are so many people who just schlep through life on auto-pilot damaging and hurting people, being so self-absorbed and oblivious to how their behavior effects others. You deserve better, and I am glad you know and believe that. ❤️ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 9, 2022 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2022 Better for me seems to be no one. But you're right, that's better than being lied to! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 23, 2022 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2022 No part of this is easy, I am still mourning what I thought was 13 years of friendship, it's been two months since she told me, a month tomorrow since he did. I am so beyond blown away! How I meant nothing to him, how deceptive they all were but especially it's his to carry! People are so dismissive if I tell them, like you can wave a magic wand and it's just over with, yet it's not that easy...all but the getting over it, the carrying it out part. My heart is heavy and hurting. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rae1991 Posted November 4, 2022 Report Share Posted November 4, 2022 On 10/23/2022 at 6:21 AM, kayc said: No part of this is easy, I am still mourning what I thought was 13 years of friendship, it's been two months since she told me, a month tomorrow since he did. I am so beyond blown away! How I meant nothing to him, how deceptive they all were but especially it's his to carry! People are so dismissive if I tell them, like you can wave a magic wand and it's just over with, yet it's not that easy...all but the getting over it, the carrying it out part. My heart is heavy and hurting. I am sorry, Kay. Of course people are dismissive of pain and grief....until it happens to them, then you are the insensitive one. Oh, the irony. I think it has to do with not being taught to regulate ourselves emotionally, to have empathy and compassion for ourselves so many lack it for others, or to confront the heavy stuff like grief and death. Anyone who can just "move on" from such deep hurt and betrayal like it didn't affect them is not right emotionally. These are also extremely uncomfortable topics to talk about and many would rather just not. I don't get it, or people who say such dismissive things. Of course it hurts, he betrayed and deceived you on every possible level one could. The people who are dismissive towards you may not be equipped or ready to deal with their own fear and pain. I feel for you because, even though I didn't know him for nearly as long, my ex acted the same towards me and I get the inkling he and Jim are the same kind of man because the details you describe are just too similar. The man I agreed to be in a relationship with, after being friends for nearly 3 years, was not the man he turned out to be. It's obvious I never knew him, as I was friends with who he wanted to portray himself as, not his true self. Both of these men are rotten onions, their deceit is layered, thick, and rotten to the root, beneath a seemingly healthy exterior layer. Don't let people convince you that your feelings aren't valid simply because they're an inconvenience to others. Anyone who goes through so much heartache would be just as dizzy, confused and heavy as you. If these men have anything, it's the audacity. I pray you are doing everything you can to treat yourself with grace, compassion and forgiveness. Things these men absolutely do not deserve. ❤️ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 4, 2022 Author Report Share Posted November 4, 2022 Thank you, dear friend. You've been a welcome part of this group and I do remember when you broke up with your ex. You know exactly what this feels like, the pain is deep and lingering. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me that I'd choose such a man (again), and for 13 years thought him upstanding. I'm blown away at the depth of his deceit, it's been 6 weeks since I talked to him. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rae1991 Posted November 4, 2022 Report Share Posted November 4, 2022 1 hour ago, kayc said: It makes me wonder what is wrong with me that I'd choose such a man (again), and for 13 years thought him upstanding. I'm blown away at the depth of his deceit, it's been 6 weeks since I talked to him. But see, here's the thing. You didn't choose his awfulness, his deceit and lies, his lack of empathy, love or compassion. HE chose you because you are everything he lacks. He pretended for over a decade to be what YOU already are: kind, loving, graceful, compassionate, exuding energy and zest for life. He mirrored you, he's a chameleon, he becomes what the closest thing to him is to gain favor, but eventually the disguise wore off and you saw him for what he is. Someone once said: "You always tell women to choose better men, but where are these men? How can she choose better if the men that are readily available don't have anything to offer her and aren't who they say they are? That's like telling her to go to a 5-star steakhouse, pay for a steak, and be served cold McDonald's. Then y'all have the audacity to tell her she should be grateful. Y'all are talking out of both sides of your mouth. If you want her to choose better, how about becoming a better choice." I would say this is a one-off, but there are millions of women who are deceived in dating/marriage by men who masquerade as everything women are/want, only to reveal their truth after they've been with the women for months/years. This lack of integrity and proper character is not your fault. Though I know from experience, it's hard to not beat ones self up for not seeing this sooner. As I said before, all you can do is treat yourself with love, grace, compassion and forgiveness, something that men like Jim do not deserve from you. Men like this will spend their entire lives deceiving and traumatizing women due to issues that have nothing to do with the women themselves. Your ability to love openly, trust, and be a kind, compassionate, caring person is not a reflection of the men you've dated. Their inability to love you or reciprocate partnership is who THEY are, not you. ❤️ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 4, 2022 Author Report Share Posted November 4, 2022 Yes and he lived with another woman for a couple of months before we met...he's kept in touch with her over the years, I bet she doesn't know of his "secret" either! But what blows me away is the amount of people he enlisted in his lie, everyone who kept quiet because they thought it not their business or were perhaps thinking it funny! I mean his whole neighborhood, family, friends, everyone! Even his daughter's entire wedding party...I mean it's unreal. And what he taught his children and grandchildren! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rae1991 Posted November 5, 2022 Report Share Posted November 5, 2022 On 11/4/2022 at 9:03 AM, kayc said: Yes and he lived with another woman for a couple of months before we met...he's kept in touch with her over the years, I bet she doesn't know of his "secret" either! As I said, he has spent his entire life deceiving women/others for personal gain. You didn't see it because he has had decades to polish his "upstanding gentleman" act. Anyone would've been duped by this, I mean, look at all the people around you who turned a blind eye/didn't know better because he was so "nice" to everyone. On 11/4/2022 at 9:03 AM, kayc said: But what blows me away is the amount of people he enlisted in his lie, everyone who kept quiet because they thought it not their business or were perhaps thinking it funny! I mean his whole neighborhood, family, friends, everyone! Even his daughter's entire wedding party...I mean it's unreal. And what he taught his children and grandchildren! Something a woman called "Chump Lady" wrote to a woman who asked for her advice on how to handle her cheating STB-ex husband: This guy has an empty elevator shaft where his soul should be. He play acts through life, putting on his best performance, face paint, doting dad/husband and all, and when your scene was done, he exited stage left and went about his day. ❤️ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 5, 2022 Author Report Share Posted November 5, 2022 I feel sorry for his wife, she's never known any different, married him when she was 17 or so. She really is that naive and I don't mean that in an offensive way, it's just how it is. So sorry for her! But as long as she has someone who took her in, supporting her, spends time with her, she's okay with it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rae1991 Posted November 6, 2022 Report Share Posted November 6, 2022 22 hours ago, kayc said: I feel sorry for his wife, she's never known any different, married him when she was 17 or so. She really is that naive and I don't mean that in an offensive way, it's just how it is. So sorry for her! But as long as she has someone who took her in, supporting her, spends time with her, she's okay with it. Ugh, what a sad existence that must be. A man who half-assed his way through life, probably didn't treat her well, and used her for his needs while barely meeting hers as he saw fit. And she stayed with him through his dating of several other women and even being engaged to another woman while still legally married. Oof, part of me has pity for her, but she has had plenty of time to learn to do better for herself. That degree of comfort they have with one another and in life, has cost them both immensely as it seems neither of them have anything to show for the lives they've sleepwalked through. I could never. I am glad you didn't marry Jim, tbh. It seems he would've sucked the life out of you and been dependent on you to do everything. You're the spirited, loving, energetic go-getter, and he's the bland, flavorless tag-along schlepping behind you hanging on your coattails. I know that loneliness can hurt, especially as we get older and life changes so rapidly, but I truly hope you are finding joy in your life, even though this betrayal has absolutely put a strain on it. It is hard to lose not one, but several people in your circle you thought cared for and loved you. ❤️ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 6, 2022 Author Report Share Posted November 6, 2022 I would never be with someone out of loneliness, I prefer my own company to that of a charlatan! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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