Here I Go Again

[Cheryl]

Hi Kayc,

I've felt like I've gotten to know you the last several months through the loss of a spouse forum. I haven't been to this forum before, but came across this thread. You have brought such strength to all of us on the other forum through the loss of your precious husband and your grief journey. Your kind words have meant a lot to me. I didn't know that your fiance was out of your life and I don't know if there are any words I can share that might help you. I can only imagine the pain you must be in having lost your husband and then finding love again and then feeling tossed aside.

He sounds like he was a lot of fun and a new companion you thought you could depend on. But he also sounds weak and selfish. I'm sure losing him makes you feel like you are all alone again. What are you doing to get through this? Have you been able to start planning your future without him? I know you are a strong person from your other entries. You pushed through the pain of losing your husband, healing along the way. I guess I want to find a way to tell you that you can heal from this too. Please know how much you mean to all of us and I hope you find strength. In fact I know you'll find strength!

Love Cheryl

[kayc]

Cheryl,

Thank you for your words of encouragement, I surely need them right now. My story is over in "Loss of Love Relationship" (Here I go again)...my fiance and I were engaged for a year and this was quite a shock to me, three weeks ago tomorrow. My transmission just went out on my truck today and my dog is very sick. Life goes like that. I married after George died and it was a disaster (also in "Loss of Love Relationship", in fact the thread was created for me and Wendy, another lady from this site that lost a subsequent love). I've about given up on guys, I should have called it good with George, but it was our wonderful relationship that made me want to try again. Now I've kind of resigned myself to just being alone, I'm tired of being hurt and no longer trust men.

I borrowed my son's truck and took my dog to the vet, 60 miles away, so hopefully he'll start getting better now.

I do appreciate your kinds words, I really needed them this afternoon.

Love,

Kay

[marsha]

Kay - my heart hurts for you...I just have to say something, and I don't want you to take it the wrong way. Let me preface this by saying I'm not bashing Jim - a year or so ago, you posted a picture of yourself now and one from several years ago. I think we were all talking about how grief shows in us. I told you my first thought was "she's beautiful!" in both the photos. But you said something - Jim, after seeing the older picture, said to you "what happened??". That bothered me then, and it bothers me now. Like he couldn't see the pain and effort and living that it takes. Is it possible he didn't look deep enough? I've never even met you, you're my friend, and I can see it, through what you've written these past years. HUGS, Marsha

[kayc]

Actually, he didn't say that about my picture..we were watching Glee and looking at the 16 year old whatever her name is, and I said I looked way hotter when I was her age, and he said "What happened?" and I said 40 years is what happened, what happened to you! No it's obvious he never loved me, probably doesn't even know what love is, and that's sad because it's not likely he'll ever find what he was looking for...it's more about giving of yourself than what someone else can do for you. I had it all with George, but we gave of ourselves completely so it stands to reason. Jim and I had all the potential, but you can't check out on life and expect to get anything from it. I miss him very much as a friend, I wish he hadn't cut me completely off, he's a good person and I still wish him the best. I don't agree with how he treated me, that was so wrong, and because of it, I can't trust any more. He did me perhaps the most lasting damage of all because I really trusted him and believed in him...clear up until the end he told me he loved me and we had a future together...then to find out that's not how he felt at all, well, that was quite a shock to take. Nope, me thinks I'm on my own, where I should have stayed years ago! It's not like I've had anyone really there for me the last few years anyway, I've been on my own, I just need to accept that. It's okay, I just need to carve that niche out for myself, I have my Arlie, as long as I can get him back to health, I'll be okay...

[Elaine M]

Dear Kay I frequent these posts, and have come to know and think warmly of you. I am sorry for all of your struggles in life, But Kay You are not alone, I am married and sometimes feel lonely and depressed. Like -- why is this relationship the way it is. Some would say I was lucky, I dont feel lucky I feel alone. I would leave him but then I would really be alone and by the way I would not be able to support myself like you.

This is my second marriage and the relationships between the marriages. They all seemed to end like yours, I would be devasted when I would lose a special relationship reliving what he said why did he leave I gave my all I loved him I would have done anything he said we would be together for always etc etc etc!!! This past year has been hard you have read that I lost my friend to suicide, my dad in Oct, My beloved pet Rocky in Jan and My sister to cancer in March, Now I took my son to college, he wont be home because he plays basketball and cant leave Sooooo I am getting to the point In Feb I went to a counselor with my husband, during these sessions I realized that I was a co-dependent. That means that I have worked to make everything around me to be what I wanted it to be, I , kay , cant leave well enough alone, I am kind and considerate and do everything for my SO And when he doesnt do the same or behave the way I think he should it is upsetting to me. But that type of behavior for me is controlling, as in controlling my life, making it what I want and maybe sometimes controlling others around me, even though I dont think so I think I am doing everthing for the good of everyone around me.

So what I have come to learn in these past 6 months, is that this is my life, not my husbands, or anyone elses. I must first understand me, why I do the same things over and over,why all my relationships ended the same way, why my husband needs to do what I want him to do and not what he wants to do. I realized after 57 yrs that its me I need to look inside me and if I want things to be different then I have to change.

So I dont check up on my husband, or call him to see where he is, it is hard but I dont. I set my own schedule and do what I want. I dont ask him whyabout anything expect our business, I am becoming a stronger person, looking inside. What he does is his business and not mine, he is his own person and I cant control him, When I started to practice these things I almost died, I cried and got mad and was just literally majorly ticked off, but now I am relaxed and feel what will come will come. I try not to worry and trust that this is the plan that the Lord meant for me. I take each day and feel blessed that I am healthy and have two wonderful kids and 5 adorable cats. I have a roof over my head and a job, What I am trying to say is that i am like you, I tried soo hard in some realtionships and they just fell apart, I didnt understand why they didnt love me anymore and the way I loved them. Why me and I was the only one alone

I think you are a wonderful loving and kind person, and the person that you had in your life should have felt very lucky I am not saying he didnt deserve you but you deserve a lot more. Be kind to your self and your pet. Take each day like a new day in your life. fifty more years ahead and they will be wonderful for you we never know what the Lord has planned for us. Just when you least expect it someone wonderful will be in your life, so instead of being sad now, and I having been there know, take each day with a new breath. Plan your week, your month. Keep busy, take a class. put yourself out there. Who knows what will happen.

Be kind to yourself, Keep the good habits and change the bad. We are all here for you. You have so many wonderful friends here supporting you Kay, I will keep you in my prayers

Your friend Elaine

[kayc]

Elaine,

Thank you for your kind response. It sounds like you have learned alot. I am also 57, although I turn 58 next month. I have had all kinds of relationships, and the last one was good, until he abruptly ended it...or at least I thought it was. I don't have a problem so much with his ending it as HOW he ended it and the fact that he led me on and wasn't up front about how he really felt. I don't understand why he said I was his princess and he was keeping me forever, if he didn't mean it. I don't understand why he said he wanted to marry me and called me his fiance to everyone if he didn't mean it. I don't understand why he said he loved me, every day for over a year, if he didn't mean it. But then I have to figure that's a flaw in him, and let it go. Easier said than done. I'm angry, angry that he led me on and lied to me. Angry that he threw me out like yesterday's trash. What if we had been married? Would he still have thrown me away? I guess his ex-wife could answer that. I don't think a man is a man when he lets his mother dictate his relationships and who he sees. His mother never wanted to meet me, never even knew me, yet refused to let me come to her home, and since he was taking care of her around the clock, that meant we could no longer see each other. I don't think a relationship can survive like that and wanted him to put his foot down and say he'd have me over once a week, I don't think that's expecting too much, but he wouldn't do it. I guess I was expendable. I don't think he was honorable about anything he did with regards to the break up. It was a shock and a slap in the face. It was not what I deserved. I know he'll never find anyone as good as me, but he will undoubtedly take up with someone else and call her his princess and break her heart as well. I just want off the roller coaster. I do better with my dog, at least he loves me unconditionally and won't suddenly stop for no reason. My dog actually communicates better. And is more loving and entertaining.

You say you can't support yourself like me...I am under tremendous pressure because my last husband stuck me with so much bills and my job is not doing well, they are usually behind three months paying us, they are in trouble with the IRS, it's not looking good, so I could lose my job, hence my home...

It's hard always being on your own, being the only one that does things around the place. Esp. when you can't chop the kindling or get the wood splitter or lawn mower started. Or the truck breaks down majorly and you can't afford to fix it. (My transmission just went out). Sometimes I just get tired of the struggle.

It wasn't always this way. I had a good husband, we adored each other, he treated me like a queen and we were great partners. He died. Isn't that how it goes. I miss him, I always will. I'm not wanting another man, I'm tired of them, tired of their insincere promises, tired of being hurt. It's going to take me a long time to forgive Jim for what he did to me. I have my hands full.

I wish you well in your marriage. We do have to be responsible for our own happiness. I just want to concentrate on me and my dog, to heck with men.

[Elaine M]

Kay I wish I could say something that would ease your pain I think of you every day and pray that you will be relieved of these recent sorrows When someone is going through grief, and sorry over a loss regardless of what type of loss, it seems that there are no words that help. I hope yur dog is doing better. You are in my thoughts Kay God Bless

[kayc]

Thanks, Elaine. How well I know, there's no way to grieve but straight through it, we can't circumvent it or avoid the pain, we have to go through it. Right now I'm at the anger stage. I feel very angry about what he did to me and how he did it. I'm not angry at his breaking up with me, people are entitled to however they feel or change their minds, but I am extremely angry at his lack of candor, his leading me on, lying to me, and then his cowardly way of ending it and not even discussing it with me, and not giving me the option of parting friends. I don't see how someone can love someone one minute and not the next. Right now I pretty much hate men for all they've done to me. And I do not want another relationship. This is what he's done to me, he's shattered me inside through his thoughtless lack of character. He's ruined my ability to trust and hurt the soft heart I had. I should have been treated with love and tender caring, instead I got this.

My dog is still not out of the woods. He's feeling better but his stools have me greatly concerned because they indicate that things are passing way too quickly through the intestines. There is a reason but I don't know what it is. There are so many possibilities that I have no idea what's causing it. The vet won't open until Tuesday and I have no truck to take him to the vet in. I am very concerned for my baby. I have been taking as good a care as possible of him, and that and prayer is all I can do right now. I got his Rx renewed Friday in the hopes that extending it might help. So far I'm not seeing the changes I am hoping for.

I guess if I could say anything to those who are grieving, the loss of a spouse, a fiance, a pet, or whomever they've lost, it's that eventually the pain subsides, although nothing is ever the same again, and you are not the same again, you're altered from the experience. It changes you in so many ways. It takes an immense amount of effort to grieve. But grief changes form, it starts out in shock, then intense pain, beyond description, it moves through anger stages, questioning, shaking faith, things like that...it might have a numb stage, eventually it moves into acceptance. Acceptance doesn't mean you like what happened or even agree with it, it just means you realize it did and you can't change it and it is what it is. There will be indifferent days, bad days, and good days. Eventually the bad days will lessen. In the beginning you cry until you think there surely can't be any more tears, and then you cry some more. Eventually it turns to internal crying, no tears, but the pain is just under the surface. You might have anxiety or depression. Time goes by. You think you're doing okay and all of a sudden it hits again. Out of nowhere, unbidden and unforeseen, some crazy trigger takes you back to that initial pain, like a flood of grief all over you again. And then it goes just like it came, and you're back to your indifferent days. Occasionally, a good day hits, and what more can you ask for?

[kayc]

My dog is finally better, it's been a long tough haul this month. No word from Jim, I don't get that at all. I guess I meant nothing to him, it's hard for me to comprehend that. I still wonder about him and miss him. Our pastor spoke on love Sunday (1 Corinthians 13) and I realize I need to work on trying to be understanding and forgiving...it's a process. It's real tough because he hurt me so bad. I know it'll take time to heal, but I'm left with the question of what do I do with the broken pieces, how do I feel about a man that led me on and broke his promises to me? A man that considered me nothing, a man that I loved with all of my heart. How come forgiveness and our feelings don't seem to coincide? I know forgiveness is an action and not based on feelings or even deservedness, so why then is it so hard? It would help if I could understand how (in his mind) this transpired, what is his thinking...but of course, I am not privy to that so I have to somehow get past this without a semblance of inkling as to his mindset. Pretty tough. It might not be quite so hard if it were not for the fact that I've had FIVE men totally break my heart in my life...one was a slow death but the other four were sudden and blindsided me. I no longer can trust, not myself, not others. The damage is incredible. So will forgiveness help or not have any bearing on my trust issues?

[Ron B.]

Kayc,

Well, I finally read this whole thread all the way through. I note that it's been almost entirely women that have given 33 reply posts, Robert being the only exception. I would be glad if guys talked about their issues with women, but for some reason we men generally don't do that. Dunno why.

Anyway, it's because you have a very strong moral sense that I'm prompted to post now. I would not have been able to say what you said to charles k today. And it needed to be said.

So I'Il give you my perspective about the loss of love. Not that my opinion counts, but it does help me think through issues as I write about them.

If I read you carefully enough, it seems that you got caught between your fiance and his mom. His mom didn't want to see you at all, he has to care for her 24/7, so you got left out. The business about him inheriting his mom's house seems to be an issue too; so he looks to keep her happy. All of this circumstance is brutal to you. Moreover, the guy should have at least met with you and talked before leaving.

There are so many issues here to explore. The act of suddenly severing a relationship is sometimes hard to comprehend. It has happened to me. I don't entirely get how people can treat someone who they've loved so coldly. I think it might have to do with a person wanting to avoid ordeal. They'd have to explain themselves, justify their decision, answer to our questions and concerns, and so forth. Some people really do not have the strength of character to face us honestly. So here is my question. Why would you ever want to keep company again with that kind of person? You said you felt treated as trash, discarded, and so forth. So now you should feel some relief that the guy is out of your life, right?

Which is not to minimize the issue of rejection and all the pain it brings. I've almost always been on the rejected rather than the rejecting side of things. Only once about 2 years ago I did clearly reject a woman. It was one of my coworkers, but she constantly cornered me, propositioned me once, and I finally told her no romance. I could hardly believe how crushed she was; first in tears, and then came anger. She finally chose to find employment elsewhere. The weird thing was that I actually liked her. We subsequently had a good exchange of emails. Anyway, her initial pain and anguish was horrible. Rejection is such nasty business, and now I wish I had found a better way to handle it.

There is also the issue of misjudging character. After more than a year, you thought you knew this guy. I'm not so sure I'm any better at judging character; some gold digger will probably get me in the end. Are we just a bit too desperate for love? Is that how we become gullible? I'd like to think that our minds have strength, that we can reliably read the character of others. But my batting average in this area isn't so good. Brains we got. Good sense, I'm not so sure.

I am struck with the dozens of ways you have tried to put your mind around what happened. We all struggle to make sense of painful stuff, but I think it helps if we can separate our responses to pain from clear thinking about how we can heal. So many people write about their pain as if that were the one thing front and center that deserves all the attention, but that leaves the healing largely unexamined. You wrote many things in this thread that look like direct responses to anger and pain: "Once again taken in by a man who fooled me. It makes me hate them!", "I don't feel I can ever trust anyone again", "I've lost my purpose and meaning in life", "guess I am destined to a lifetime of nothing but work, chores, and aloneness", "I feel like life has passed me by and my time has come and gone", "I feel pretty done with men, I'm tired of being led on, lied to, betrayed", ""Are all men liars?", "I'm tired of being hurt and no longer trust men", "Right now I pretty much hate men for all they've done to me."

If our lives are all about pain, then it's really going to be difficult to get the healing started. You can enumerate mistakes, faults, the so many ways you are stuck, but that just lines up your thinking into an anti-pain regime. So I'll tell you directly: Think rather about healing. You mentioned forgiveness. That'll get you started. Once you forgive, you will let go of some of the pain. Leave your heart open. Don't grow callous and hard-hearted towards us men; we are all not that bad (just some of us are rotten). Though you feel betrayed, you/I/we need to learn to trust again. Otherwise we'll never keep good company, never find love, never have shared lives. Many more years to go; make them years of learning and growth.

By the way, I'm glad for your dog's recovery; now there is someone worth caring about.

Ron B.

[kayc]

Ron,

I really appreciate your taking the time to read through the post and respond. I have elected to post here rather than reply in a message because I don't want to have to repeat myself to others who write a message saying some of the same things.

I have had my heart broke by five men in my life, that's batting way more than average. Most people it's once, maybe twice. I really tried to look with my brain, not just my heart, when I trusted Jim. He'd been married for 30 years and finally divorced his wife after her repeated cheating. I call 30 years giving a good shot at it. He was family oriented, loyal, and when I met him his daughter and granddaughter lived with him. He lived in the same home for 30 years. He was in the Air Force for 8 years. He graduated from college. He'd owned a local business for over 18 years. He purposely set out to win my trust, he introduced me to his family (excepting his mom who refused to meet me), friends, colleagues, neighbors. My pastor even talked to him about my having been hurt in the past and wanting to know his intentions...he assured both of us he would not hurt me. We spent every weekend together for the 13 1/2 months we were together with the exception of two. We talked on the phone every day. He told me every day that he loved me, right up until he dumped me. He asked me to marry him, he told everyone I was his fiance, he represented himself as engaged. He was faithful to me. He was intelligent, funny, easy going, easy to be around and we got along well. To say that I was completely blindsided is an understatement, I really thought I could believe in him. He was the type who would be there for someone through thick and thin (as he is for his mom right now). To see that I was this off base in assessing his character leaves me unable to believe in men and more importantly, in my own judgment. This wasn't just some derelict loser, this is an upstanding person...or so I thought. He was groundskeeper and usher at his church. Our churches' mission statement was identical. This was a person I thought I could grow old with.

I know that all men aren't liars. I know some men can be trusted. But I don't know which ones are which. I have been lied to and betrayed so much, I just can't go through it again. And maybe it's best that way. I've resigned myself to being alone, it's easier, there seems somehow there ought to be a limit to how much pain one has to go through in life. I feel if I can't trust Jim, I can't trust anyone.

I know that Jim was sleep deprived. I know he felt stressed. I have been a caretaker, I know how hard it is to never get a break, to constantly give of yourself, I did it for nearly three years when my mother-in-law was bedridden with cancer. I also know that some people are copers and some are not. This little woman was formidable and the family somehow feared crossing her. Not having met her, I did not realize the extent to which she held power over them. Once I saw it come into play, it of course, bothered me. I wanted them to be reasonable, and I didn't feel her edict, to which he was succumbing, was reasonable...that I should never see him as long as she was alive? That I not be allowed to visit him while he's taking care of her, not even a couple of hours a week? This I cannot accept. Feeling caught between me and his mom...he chose his mom. I was completely supportive of his taking care of her...just not to the exclusion of me. What really sent me reeling was not half so much that he broke up with me, but HOW he broke up with me...discarding me without a backward glance. That I really meant nothing to him after being engaged that long really floored me. That he could be so cowardly as to not put my feelings ahead of his own discomfort (he avoids conflict at all costs) and TALK to me, really threw me for a loop. I am at a loss to understand that. You ask would I really want to be with someone like that? Hell no! Yes I do need to heal. But first comes the grieving, part of which contains an anger stage...not all anger is bad. In this case it can be like a protective balm, it can keep me from getting into a relationship with someone else while I'm vulnerable. It can give me time to heal on my own. Loss is something I am pretty experienced at. I've lost (to death) my dad, my mother-in-law (who was my best friend, a niece, a nephew, my husband, and many pets. Currently I have a sister who is dying. I've lost to divorce/breakup, three husbands and two fiances. I know initially the pain is beyond belief. I know that in due time, usually a couple of years or so, it slowly dissipates until you don't feel as much, you slowly numb. The day you feel nothing is a day to triumph for you finally got over that person and the pain they brought. But then you are left with scars and they must be dealt with. You have to deal with your mindset, the way the brain works, triggers, and work on altering the pathways so you don't carry it with you. It is a lot of exhaustive work. I'm tired. I'm nearly 58 years old, I don't want to keep doing this. The odds of me finding someone that I can trust and we are compatible are getting more slim as time goes by. There's just too many considerations. That's okay, I can live alone, I have done so much of my life. Right now I am working on building friendships. I am paying close attention to balance. There is a lot of work to be done around a place when you live alone...and a lot to pay for. I try to add into the mix, things to look forward to, getting out, etc. That is actually the hardest part...finding something to look forward to. Even the littlest things. I look forward to coming home to my dog each night. This month has been very challenging as I dealt with the fresh raw pain of sudden break-up, my dog nearly dying, my job being precarious, my boss behind paying me, my transmission going out on my truck...it's an awful lot for one month. It's a lot to grapple with, let alone try to wrap your head around.

To be rejected by someone you show an interest in is one thing, but to be rejected by the person who promised to spend their life with you, your best friend, the one you loved...that is entirely something else. The comparison is not adequate. To have a person tell you they love you, to have them admire you (inner qualities) and they think you're cute, etc. and then they just dump you without explanation or the benefit of discussion...that is entirely different. It sends you reeling.

It'll take time. I know that, after all, I've been through this enough times. I will get through it, I know that too, but not without a long haul, and it won't be easy. I have a lot of work cut out for me...trying to figure out how to forgive yet again so grave a transgression, to heal, to learn...it's a long road ahead of me. And the fact that this was someone else's decision without consideration for me, that makes me resent that I even have to go through this, let alone, "again". But that's something I have to take up with God and work out...yep, I have a lot of work ahead of me.

[kayc]

Today as I listened to our pastor's message, I felt I received the answer I needed...

Instead of focusing on my pain, I want to instead lift up Jim for the wonderful thing is is doing for his mom. I know what forgiveness is and what it is not and yet I have been struggling to forgive, and now I think I understand. It is in placing the other person ahead of yourself. It is in showing respect and reverence for the other person.

God, lift up Jim and sustain him in this challenging time. And God, bless him for his efforts in doing the right thing. I forgive him for his shortcomings as I pray he forgives me for mine.

[Lostdaughter]

That I really meant nothing to him after being engaged that long really floored me. That he could be so cowardly as to not put my feelings ahead of his own discomfort (he avoids conflict at all costs) and TALK to me, really threw me for a loop.

Kayc, I am going to challenge your thinking on your first sentence. Since you haven't spoken with him, you really don't know how he's feeling or just what you did mean to him. It may well be you meant the world to him but, as you state above yourself, he avoids conflicts at all costs. I think you nailed it there. Unfortunately, you were the cost.

People can be married for years and not really know the person they married. I won't say it happens all the time, but it sure does happen. Since he has demonstrated his true character through his actions, you now know that he wasn't who you thought. Yes, I do know the pain of realizing that, as I've gone through it myself. It hurts. And anger is ok. It can be energizing so take the time to be angry and then do your best to put his hurtful actions behind you.

BTW, so glad your dog pulled through.

[kayc]

Well to me actions speak louder than words, so I don't see how someone can love someone and do what he did to me. But be that as it may, I'm trying to get past it and am determined to extend forgiveness to him...forgiveness doesn't mean I'd want more of the same, nor does it excuse what he did, it means quite simply that I will continue to care about him, not wish bad on him, and pray that God sustains him and works in his life. I continue to love him, yet I pray that each day takes me further away from this pain.

[kayc]

I was talking to my sister on the phone last night and she said maybe Jim would come back to me after he's no longer caretaking, that maybe he just couldn't handle doing that and having a relationship too. Maybe he couldn't, but I don't think that's entirely all of it, I don't think he wants me, I mean he hasn't called or anything, so I'm not holding my breath or allowing myself to hope for something that's not happening. It's amazing to me, my family and church all love him so much and are so understanding of him. But then he has that way with people, he really is a good person. But no way can I excuse what he's done to me and how he did it. It was wrong, it was rotten, and I can't trust any more because of it, it damaged me inside a lot, I was good to him, I didn't deserve that. I really just didn't deserve that. I can't be with someone who doesn't respect me and care about me. That was lame, super lame.

[kayc]

I just found out on FB that Jim's mom passed away yesterday. I feel so bad, I wish I could be there for him, I wish I could put my arms around him, I know he's going to be grieving. I feel bad that I never got to meet her and that opportunity is gone forever now. I still love that man, God knows I've tried not to. How do you stop loving someone? I don't hold out hope of being with him, I know that's not happening, but I do still care about him and I care what happens to him. He made it through that really tough spot in his life and he can be proud that he did it...I feel kind of like I was the sacrifice and that hurts, but at least he was there for his mom even if he isn't for me. Maybe his family will draw closer together through this, one can only hope. My heart and my prayers are with him and his kids today...

[marsha]

You have a good heart, Kay - ((hugs)), Marsha

[kayc]

Marsha,

It's had plenty of exercise.

[MartyT]

Kay, dear ~ I just stumbled upon a fascinating video on YouTube featuring Helen Fisher and her research. The clip is entitled "

in which she describes our very real, very physical need for romantic love. At one point she describes how she and her research team took MRIs of people in love -- and of people who (in her words) "had just been dumped." I found it fascinating to hear her describe intense romantic love as a kind of addiction, and to learn that so much of the pain experienced in the wake of this kind of loss is biology-based. Helen Fisher also mentions her Web site, chemistry.com, where she is collecting data to help us better understand the biology of what pulls one person to another: Who chooses whom to love and why? I thought you might want to watch the video and visit her site. ♥

[kayc]

I've heard of her before. I have a book and a collection of CDs by Christian Carter on Dating and Relationships, he interviewed several experts, I got a lot from it. However, I'm not interested in dating or relationships now, I'm pretty much done with it all. I wasn't interested in getting high on "love", I wanted someone to spend my life with...I thought Jim was the one but now I don't trust anybody, let alone my own judgment. I get a lot more out of my dog and at least he likes exercise.

[kayc]

I got a call from Jim last night...he received my sympathy card yesterday on the loss of his mother. He said he's been sleep deprived and no relief for the last two months and it was all he could handle to take care of his mom, he couldn't deal with emotion on top of it...it was very demanding and difficult and he could barely hold it together. He sounded genuinely sorry for what I've been through but he said something in him snapped. He is heavily grieving right now and has a million details to attend to...we talked for 3 1/2 hours but I don't feel right now is the time to talk relationship material. I didn't allow myself any hope for "us" so I haven't had time to think about it and he hasn't been able to think about it, consumed with caretaking and grieving. He did mention a couple of times "we'll have to work on it" so I don't think we're entirely through, but I feel we need to back way up and maybe start over and see how it goes. There's a lot to work through if we're to make it. I know I'm not interested in anyone else and I still love him, but I'm actually in a better place right now than I was because I've had to accept being on my own and I feel like whatever happens I'll be okay, it may be difficult, but I'll survive it.

[MartyT]

Kay, dear ~ What I know is this: You are a wise person who's earned your wisdom the hard way. You are willing and able to deal with the consequences of your own decisions, and you always take total responsibility for your own actions. I have faith in you, and I believe in you. Whatever you decide to do in your relationship with this man, you will always have our love and our support ~ and I will continue to hold you in my prayers. ♥

[kayc]

Thank you, Marty. After our talk, I felt I understood so much better, what happened, what he was going through, and tomorrow only knows what will happen with us, but I'd like to give it time to see if it will work out...regardless, I feel he is worth having as a friend at the very least. I never stopped loving him and caring about him and I'm totally not interested in anyone else, so...we'll see...

[kath]

Kay,

You know I love and care about you, so please understand when I say, walk softly, my friend, and carry a big stick (just in case you need to whack him upside the head with it.) Of course he has been through a lot. You have, too and that is why you can relate so well. The problem was, he stopped relating to you, in a harsh and hurtful way. I want what is best for you. You do so much to help so many. I want someone to take care of you properly if that is what you want. It is remarkable that you are able to forgive his actions, that will free you to think clearly. He still needs to be accountable. As he experiences the vulnerability that grief brings, Kay, please be careful. I worry that your strength and your kindness will be taken advantage of. I sincerely pray that doesn't happen. It sounds like you've been doing a good job of taking care of Kay. Don't stop now.

Prayers,

Kath

[kayc]

Kath,

I thank you for your warning, I know it is given with complete love and concern. I am not sure if we will ever be a couple again or not. Right now, I feel we are both too vulnerable and have not had time to think or process things, and that is why we have not spoken of relationship issues, it's too soon and there's too much to work through before we can effectively make any such decisions. I did not "hope" because his letter left me no hope, so in all of this time, I have not once considered the possibility of us getting back together again...now that I have spoken with him, I have not had adequate time to address the things that need addressed in my own mind, and he is much too vulnerable at this time to confront him...it's just not the time. He is currently grieving two people, his mother, and a neighbor that passed away this week...he needs time to do some grieving and settle his mom's affairs and until he's had that time, he's not going to be ready to think about "us". I don't want to get him back and then him realize he didn't want that or wasn't ready...that would be counterproductive to all that I have already been through. If we are to make it, it is going to take time and deliberation. I am praying also for direction as I go along. But I am glad to have him back as a friend.

Kath, I believe Jim is an Aspie, and as such, they are only able to deal with one thing at a time, it's how their brains work...when something of this magnitude hits, and you add to it extreme sleep deprivation and stress (his daughter also causing problems every step of the way), there are many more details that I don't want to go into, to do with his family, but it helps me understand what happened. I'm not excusing, I'm just saying it helps me see how it happened a little easier.