Hello

[Nancy7355]

Hi, My name is Nancy, I am 49, and on March 4,2005 My husband and I just celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. I lost my husband March 12,2005. We were in a motorcycle accident. A 22 year old ran a stop sign and hit us. He died and I lived, I feel so guilty sometimes! He was taken to one hospital and I was flown to another he lived for 2 1/2 hours. I didn't get a chance to tell him how much I love him ( I know he knows), But I feel so guilty sometimes! I feel like I can't breath without him, That half of me is gone. I can't think straight, I have a hard time sleeping, I forget things and I am so scared all the time. Everyone tells me it gets easier. Thanks for listening.

[Nikki]

Hi Nancy

My name is Nikki, I am sorry to "meet" you this way. I lost my soulmate on Jan 13th 2005. The most kindest, funniest, sweetest man I have ever met took his life on that date I now HATE. I came home from work to find that he had shot himself, he was in the middle of our living room floor. I know this may sound shocking to some people but my couselor and I (now) believe it is best to talk about his manner without being ashamed or afraid.

Joe and I were together 8 years- the last two were rocky he moved out to AZ last year due to his alcholism and what it was doing to us. He moved back -went to treatment but it did not work-he moved back-then I moved out there last Aug. that is where we were living when this happened.

I would like to share with you some of the things I have and still go through since this has happened.

I remember thinking that I was in a car accident and none of this was real. I remember sitting there talking to people when all of a sudden out of no where I would be thinking oh god this could not of happened. I remember losing whole days to the could haves, the should haves and the what ifs, my parents would leave for work a 9am and it would seem like only a half hour would go by and they were home again and I was in the same exact place outside sitting in the chair where I was 9 hrs ago.

I will also tell you something couselors and other survivor told me-although the pain that I will never see him again(not soon anyway) and the longing to touch his soft face(after he just shaved it was the softest) and so wanting to feel his arms around me again-the pain itself does somehow I don't know how does get softer, that is my experience anyway. That is another thing-how you grieve is completely unique to you-your the one that had the closest bond with your husband-you are the one who shared the most intimate times with him so DON'T ever let anyone tell you how to grieve or for how long. Just like your relationship with him was all yours so is your grief.

There is a post started by Spela I am not sure of the date it was her last post it is titled ????, I also have a hard time remembering things or should I say anything! Anyway it is under Spela and there is a really good poem titled the Agony of Grief-maybe if you have time you could read it, I printed it. I feel like giving it to everyone how asks the insensitive question of How Are You Doing. Sad to say that is not the only stupid question people have asked me. My grandmother even told me Oh dear you are so young you will meet someone nice again. I couldn't barely speak after she said that. Anyway just wanted you to know this site has given me a lot of comfort. I hope you can pull some out of here too. All I can do now is hold on to the few and far between period of peace and believe it or not the period of peace do get longer.

I also think that talking here or with someone you feel comfortable with about your love helps. How did you meet. Do you have children. Was there anything you can remember(I had a hard time at first remembering anything about Joe when this first happened,but it did come back to me) that in an instant he would do that would make your heart smile. I am not trying to nosey and maybe thinking about these things are too painful right now-maybe i am overstepping the boundaries I just want you to know you can talk here about

anything-the good the bad and the ugly.

Sending you hugs and warm thoughts

Nikki

[diron]

(((Hugs))) to both of you. My Ron died 2/27/05 from cancer. I was in such a fog and some days still am. My brain knows that with time will come healing, but some days my heart rejects that.

One thing I already have learned is that there is no set time for grieving and then you stop. That time is unique to each of us and we will carry some bit of it with us the rest of our lives. Later it will just be different and not so raw.

When I feel the grief coming in on a new wave I turn and face it and let it roll over me. Then I pick myself up and go on.

Feeling guilty for living when our beloved died does not help. Did we choose this life over death, no, so we have nothing to feel guilty about. Would I have traded places with Ron in a heartbeat, I would have said yes before he died. Now I know I would not want him to go through this grief. But we don't get to make those choices anyway.

My hope is that we all stumble our way through to a place and time of healing.

[spela]

Thank you, Diron, for your words. My dearest friend died of cancer, exactly one month before your beloved Ron. This weekend was the first time since then when I felt no so very very down as most of the time. And though I know the pain will always stay with me, I now, at least sometimes, think in a way that maybe I'll make it. First I was only thinking of all these long years ahead, all these years without him. I still think about that, but not all of the time ... I'm sorry for your loss. And thank you again.

[diron]

(((Spela))) isn't this the most awful thing in the world to try to wade through?

[spela]

Thank you, Diron. I had 2 or 3 not so bad days, I thought that maybe it's getting easier somehow. Well, yesterday I was afraid I would ahve a nervous breakdown. I couldn't breathe for some time, I had to scream, the feeling was so horrible, I don't know how to desrcibe as it had never happened to me before. I'm so nervous sometimes, I can't handle my job and the stress there - I spend so much energy even for simple things, when there's something more to do, like yesterday, I just can't! I was so nervous at work, and this happened them when I got home. I had a dog school later and it was somehow bearable for at least one hour. I just don't know how (and if) I can make it - my life, daily routine, the stress at work, while I already have to deal with the fact that he died!

[Nancy7355]

Nikki and Diron, Thank you , I am sorry It took so long for me to write back. I was injured in the accident, Thank God for helmets! Just a broken left wrist (now with hardware) and a dislocated right shoulder, and when I get upset I work around the house and I think I over did it again. My husband's name is Robert and we met on a blind date, a year later we married. We have Three children, two girls and a boy. We have Three Granddaughters, 12,7,1. We also have his son from a previous Marriage (I love him as if he were mine) and two Grandsons 7,1. We Lived in Phoenix until we moved to Hereford, AZ about six years ago. What a change, Now we live on 4 acres and its so quiet outside you can hear a pin drop. Sometimes I get mad about him not being hear, the kids are grown the youngest is 21. This was to be OUR TIME to be together and do what we wanted to do. Marriage takes work and a lot of it. You go through the times when you don't think you even like him, let alone love him, then he looks at you a certain way, or does something stupid and makes you laugh then It hits you Just how much you do love him. More than you ever thought it was possible to love someone. I feel like I got cheated. I'M MAD. We were planning a trip to Disneyland this October, with all the kids and grandkids. Robert was so excited about going he was like a little kid again( It's been 20 years since we were their together ).He would kept me up at night talking about what he wanted to see and do. Sometimes think I should stay home, but I know he would be mad if I did. Its going to hurt either way.

[diron]

I think we all got cheated. This not something we wanted. We were supposed to have many more years with our beloveds.

I tell people that Ron lied to me. When we married, I was 48 and he was 56, he promised me 80 years of marriage. It was an ongoing joke but we had the best time imaginable. Even dealing with tough stuff we had each other and could reduce the difficulties to manageable small issues. He promised me 80 years and he lied. The only lie he ever told me.

Somehow, I sure don't know how, we will make it through this. We might even be stronger for it, but this isn't the way I wanted to get stronger.

I hate ladders, never want to be higher than the second rung. Today at the shop, I had to climb the 14 foot ladder and change fluorescent bulbs. I cussed Ron under my breath the entire time - he was always the ladder climber and he wasn't here to do his job. I do not want to overcome my fear of ladders and heights, thank you very much. I was quite happy being afraid and on the floor.

I wish there was some magic potion that we each could take and if not given the opportunity to have our sweet guys back at least not feel so berift. I don't think we are going to get that wish either. So we have to figure out how to cope with the grief and get on with finding some small joys in life.

I think we just have to keep reminding ourselves to breathe, crying when we have to, screaming when we have to and keep slogging along until we don't have to cry or scream so much. I know I am now going longer periods of time without dissolving, but I have my days that I just want to curl up in a ball.

Spela maybe your work and my shop are part of our needed as places to be that gets us outside of our pain for a while.

Nancy, Disneyland sounds fun. Ron and I had talked about taking our 9 year old grandson before Ron got sick. I hope you can make the trip and it won't be too difficult. The kids can sometimes help to make find joy again. And you can tell Robert all about it as you are seeing and doing. I talk to Ron all the time.

Nancy I know what you mean about the quiet. I live on 16 acres, 2 miles outside of a town with a population of 900. It is a wonderfully quiet place to be. I love the "racket" of the birds. I saw a woodpecker this morning. I used to see him all the time, but this is the first time I remember seeing him since Ron died. He made me smile.

I wish us all peace and more peaceful days. Nancy I hope your injuries are healing well. Spela just keep doing what you are doing, the periods that are less stressful will get longer. This is still so raw to us, it will take time for us to heal. And some days we will double back and it will feel like we have gained no ground, but then we will pick up and keep going.