Gone And Forgotten

[archie]

hi

i am 19yrs old, my mum passed away on the 28 May 1997, when i was 10. She died of leukaemia which she was diagnosed with when i was 7. It feels like that is the age i lost her since she spent most of those 3yrs in a hospital in a different city.

I dont remember hardly anything at all about her I have 2 brothers, so have grown up being the only girl in my family. We dont ever really talk about her. But both my brothers and my dad have seemed to have grieved and moved on. I havent. And have no idea how to.

Am going to uni away from home, and feel very much alone. I am suffering from depression and have seen various uni counsellors all of whom i find uncomfortable and they havent helped at all.

Losing my mum isnt the only reason im depressed but it is a very large part. I miss my mum but i know she wouldn't want me to be like this. I know other people who have lost someone alot more recent and they are finer then me. What is wrong with me? why cant i move on and stop being over emotional all the time? how does a person grieve?

can anyone help me?

also how much did mothers day suck!

[JCL]

Hello, I lost my Mom this last October. She was 76 years old. I cannot imagine how I would have felt if I had lost my mother at the age that you were and are now. Believe me, you are brave just to get out of bed everyday after a loss like that so young. WE all grieve differently and for different lengths of time.

Yes-right now Mother's Day really sucks!!!!! Last year at this time was the last time my mother was at my house for mother's day. I miss her so much. I wish you had been able to have more time with your mother. It is so unfair.

[diron]

Archie, one thing I have learned in my many more years is that running away does not solve the problem. We take the problem with us wherever we go, different city, different state.

I was blessed not to lose either of my parents until much later in life, but I can somewhat understand how devasting it can be to lose a parent so early. All of us grieve and handle grief differently. Many males do not show their grief easily and are more apt to keep it bundled up inside, this may be the case with your father and brothers.

Keep looking for a counselor that works for you. I have been told by others that they went through several before they found one that they connected with.

We are all unique in our grieving and the time it takes "to get over it" as if we ever do. I just think that we find new ways of dealing with it. We will always carry the love and the pain of the loss in our heart.

Keep looking for ways to help you with this pain. See your doctor or find another counselor. Find someone you can talk to that will listen.

[MartyT]

My dear Archie,

I couldn’t agree more with everything “diron” has said to you, especially about finding a counselor who will work effectively with you. Not all counselors and therapists are trained and experienced in helping with grief and bereavement, and it seems as if you haven’t yet found the right person to help you with this. I, too, hope that you will keep looking until you find the help you need and deserve. Her comment about different grieving styles is well taken, too. See, for example, my article, Understanding Different Grieving Patterns in Your Family.

You ask what is “wrong” with you, and I want to assure you that there is nothing “wrong” with you; you are simply reacting to the fact that you lost your mother at a very tender age and you’ve never really mourned that loss. Grief is not a pathological condition; rather, it is a normal response to losing someone we love. Even though you don’t remember much about your mother, it does not alter the fact that you lost one of the most significant people in your life when you were too young to understand the lifelong impact of that loss – and it’s unrealistic to think that this death would not have a profound effect on you.

Since you have access to the Internet, you have a world of information, comfort and support at your fingertips, but I don’t think it’s realistic to expect that this early loss of such an important figure in your life can be fully addressed without finding someone to talk to in person about it, so that your all of your feelings and reactions can be explored, expressed, worked through and released. There are all kinds of resources "out there" in your own community aimed specifically at those who are grieving – you just have to make the effort to pick up your telephone and ask for the help that you need. Call your telephone operator or public library and ask for the numbers for your local mental health association or your local suicide prevention center. Either agency will have good grief referral lists. (You need not be suicidal to get a grief referral from a suicide prevention center.) Use the Yellow Pages and call hospitals and hospices near you. Ask to speak with the Bereavement Coordinator, Social Worker, or Chaplain's Office to get a local grief referral. Many hospitals and hospices provide individual and family grief support, and offer bereavement support groups to the general public at no cost. If one grief support group doesn’t work for you, keep looking for one that feels right to you. As depressed and lonely as you feel, you are in need of support, comfort and understanding, and I hope you will think of this as a gift you can give to yourself.

At the very least, I encourage you to do some reading about grief so you'll have a better sense of what normal grief looks and feels like, as well as what you can do to manage your own reactions. This alone can be very reassuring. See the listings on my Articles and Books page for suggestions. If you go to the Death of a Parent page on my Web site, I think you will find some very helpful sources of information. Another alternative is to subscribe to an online e-mail course I've written; you can get a sense of it at The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey. Also, take some time to read through some of the other postings in this Loss of a Parent forum. Here you will find the real experts on managing grief – others whose mothers have died and who are traveling the same grief journey as you are traveling now.

I hope this information proves helpful to you, my dear, and please know that we are thinking of you.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[Pam7477]

Mother's Day was terrible, as I expected. It hurt deeply to see all the multi-generational family groups all enjoying wonderful family time together. My mom died on December 10 and I feel like Hallmark was making it their personal mission to make me feel miserable. It's been 5 months today and the hurt is still overwhelming. I miss my mom so much.

I decided to just allow myself to be sad for the day and not try to pretend. Luckily, Mother's Day only comes once a year.

[tonka]

I lost my father October last year,I put aside my feelings and continued some what a normal life not accepting the death of my Father until I started having the panic attacks.This disc. group helped me alot.Over time I provoked the feelings to let the greiving out and now feel much better,still something inside me still feels numb but I will cope with that as long as I can control the attacks.Try talking,writting letters to your Mum and crying.Tonka