They Evicted Me

[Aquarius7]

Well, I have not posted here in a while.

The reason is that I have been evicted from my family house that my Mom and I lived in. They told me my "deadline" was September 1 to either buy them out or move out. Well, I could not afford to buy them out. I stayed in the house another week and got daily phone calls of "well, it is past the 1st. When are you moving? Have you found a place? Everyday you are in that house we lose money. Either you move out or pay the note on it. It has been 90 days since Mama died and it is time to move forward (Can you BELIEVE this?!)" This is all from my sibling who is an attorney (guess you could not tell!).

Well, move out I did. Found a place that was what I thought the safest and that takes dogs. I don't know if I can afford it though. I was led to believe that once the succession was done, that I would have some money coming in. That is one reason I got the place I did. Now I learn that there won't be any money from anything until the house is sold! This could take years!

We have been emptying the house. It is way too soon for this! Of course, I am not working at their speed and pace. They want all my stuff out and want it out now! I spent 2 hours going through the "trash" they threw to the curb finding all kinds of things that belonged to Mom and Dad or that they had written or that had been given to them. Seeing the house empty is breaking my heart every time I go in it. I cry and cry. This is supposed to be "progress" but is in fact the opposite. It is really horrible what he is doing to our family. And the others are just letting him run the show. He is a control freak and an idiot. He has no feelings for Mom and Dad and certainly not me.

I just don't know what to do. There is no way out of this 6 month lease. I like the place in some ways, but the whole thing is surreal and strange. I have not even slept there yet and have been sleeping at my fiance's. That is a whole other issue: she does not want to marry me at this moment. Says I need to "get better". Well, getting better has nothing to do with getting an apartment. What I need is to be with her with our dogs the way it should be and should have been. I did not marry her earlier and it is killing me. It was the worst mistake I ever made in my life. I just put it off and put it off.

My life is miserable. Nothing feels right and nothing is getting better. I feel constant sadness and anguish. I even woke up the other day calling out "Mama" for her. I cannot believe all this has happened. My whole life this past 4 months has been a nightmare. I feel like I have been thrown out into a cold, uncaring world. Nobody understands. Not even my fiance. She tries to, but she has no idea of the depth of pain and suffering and sadness I am experiencing.

I really cannot take any of it anymore.

[Lindakay]

My sister in laws were horrible after their mom died. Must be related to your brother the control freak. My hisband and his baby sister wanted to grieve. No one lived with their mom but they wanted to settle the estate like yesterday. My family had my sister buy out three of us from mom's place. It was on her land. The other two owed her money and she forgave that part. Now my brother lives in mom's old place on Pat's ranch. He is taking care of it. His girlfriend sold personal stuff at a yard sale. He kicked her out a few months later. You can take alot more. Your fiancee just wants you to want her for her and not a substitute place to go. You won't "get over losing your mom" or your brother's betrayal. If the home had to be empty to sell understand that and separate it from it was your home at the time. You need that intermediate place to feel yourself. Cry when you're by yourself. Tears relieve stress chemicals. Men don't cry enough when it's important.LindaKay

[Ron B.]

Aquarius7,

You may remember my situation is similar to yours. After my mother died, my sister got control of the estate, locked me out of the family house, threw out my possessions, and became verbally abusive. I was angry and upset. Then I got pneumonia that raged for weeks. Next, when feeling desperate and in poor health, I had to participate in dividing up my mother's belongings. This was the worst ordeal of my life.

So I have some clue about what you've been through. That feeling of coming unhinged is horrible; you and I know all about that. But you should also learn the feeling of recovery from such ordeal. Life isn't forever black. I'm going to list now things that fostered my own recovery, with the thought that they may help you.

My own recovery started with visits to a psychologist. He gave me a tool to deal with desperate and angry thinking. Whenever I started to think about my sister, I was told to deflect the thought. Instead of thinking of my sister, I should think about a good person in my life. So I'd focus my mind on my cousin, and I was actually able to sidestep some of my angry thinking. You can use this deflection tool when thinking of your lawyer brother; it's simple and does yank you out of looping anger. You have that option of consulting a mental health professional too; I'm not sure whether you have done that or want to do that.

Another thing that helped me was posting here. Besides grief over my mothers passing, I was able to explain anger towards my sister. Just telling our story here helps so much; I don't quite understand how that works. Maybe we hold a lot of dark feelings inside, which dissipate somewhat once others understand us. Anyway, please use the resource of this forum liberally; it can be a lifeline for you.

The third thing that helped me was exercise. I think many of us overlook this option when dealing with grief. When we stay cooped up indoors, our thoughts can sometimes loop in non-productive ways. When we get out of doors, our limbs find natural motion, our blood circulation and heart rate pick up, the fresh air invigorates, and our eyes get to focus on things other than a TV or computer screen. I did daily bike rides in the evening and at night, and it really helped dissipate some of my mental gloom. Somewhat later, about the 4th month, i started swimming in a municipal pool.

Another thing that helped me was a simple circumstance. The drama of dealing with my mother's estate finally settled down. Once my mother's house was cleaned out, and her possessions distributed, there was not much business to attend to, other than waiting for the house to sell. I think you too need to recognize that most of the storm has passed, and you survived. It sounds like you don't have to engage siblings and sort belongings any more. That should be a relief. Now is a time you can work on regaining your ground, caring for your physical and mental health.

These things above helped me; I hope they help you.

I will also be honest with you about how I think about my sister. I think she has been brutal, grossly inconsiderate, and even vindictive. And it's not like I'm trying to paint my sister black in some one sided version of events. One month after my mother died last November, I wanted to stay in the family home for Christmas and grieve with other family members. Seems reasonable, right? Instead my sister changed all the locks, and forbid me to step foot into the family home. This was done on the advice of a lawyer. This issue is that family members sometimes loot the family estate, and so estate lawyers advise their clients to lock everything down; makes their work easier. Zero consideration was given to the fact that family members grieve and need each other's support. That house was the family center; all my sister had to do was leave the house open to me and other family for two weeks, so that we could spend Christmas together. Instead I spent the Christmas holidays completely alone, and a month later caught pneumonia. It was horrible. The manner in which my sister exercised her authority as estate trustee was repugnant to me. No pleading had any effect; her decisions were all unilateral without any regard for my needs. Another example is how she arranged to clean out the house and yard. She lives close by the estate, so she decided we 4 siblings would clean it out on a half dozen successive weekends. Well I live 400 miles away, and the expense of airfare and hotel for six trips to do cleanup would have cost me thousands of dollars. She would not consider any other scenario, such as me coming down once or twice for longer periods of time to do the work. Nor would she ever let me in the house alone without her supervision. She just had to control everything. And since I was my mother's caregiver for months, and since I paid for my mother's nursing care (22 k still not recovered), you would have thought my sister would have given me some consideration in her decision making about the estate. Nope; didn't get any consideration at all. And when it came to my belongings left in my mother's home, I would have hoped I could gather them myself, reclaiming them when I had opportunity. Instead my sister packed my things into two huge suitcases, and just dumped them on me. I had flown down with a large suitcase, and had no way to carry 2 more large bags on my return flight. When I called my sister on the telephone during this time, I tried to upright our relationship, but she just got openly nasty. She spoke of all the things she resented about me for 90 minutes, and I just let her talk. Vindictive? Yes, I believe my sister has been at times deliberately hurtful.

Now that you know how black the circumstance is with my sister, I will surprise you with something. I have forgiven her. I have not openly said that to her, as she does not think she's done anything wrong. So I have forgiven her in my mind. Here's why it's a good idea to forgive. Once you forgive, you start letting go of some of the pain. Your mind is freed from being fixated on unpleasant things. So that's my strategy for coping with a brutal and nasty sibling. Treat them well, in so far as you can.

About woman friends, my story is much worse than yours. I bonded with my Mother's caregiver, a woman named Denise. I cared for her and she cared for me. Then my siblings got involved. My older brother terminated her employment in brutal fashion, my brother's wife was openly nasty to her, my younger brother in speaking of her was verbally abusive, and then my sister circulated a false and vicious rumor about her. Funny how Denise doesn't want to have anything to do with my family now. I lost Denise because of them.

I am a bit bitter about all this, but also forgiving. My siblings are the only family I've got. If i wrote them off as jerks, then I'd just be that much more alone.

I've given you a broadside of my own hell with siblings. I hope you understand other people like me have been through a similar ordeal. The people here in this forum can help you survive this kind of trauma with your integrity intact. Please post a little more often; that way you'll get regular support.

Ron B.

[niamh]

hi Aquarius7,

WOW, where to even find the words for all that you are trying to deal with. I am so so sorry to hear about your home and the lack of compassion from your siblings.

While I can't relate directly to that I know the slightest smallest change just knocks me over so I can't even imagine the pain of this enormous change for you when it is so out of control. Don't we all have more than enough change with dealing with our loved ones being taken away.

I really don't even know what to say to you. Of course it is beyond heartbreaking to to now seeing an empty house knowing your siblings simply want money from this but you wanted the house for everything that is so much more important than money.

I can only assume you are angry about this and you have every right to be, anger is as much a normal part of grief as is sadness, loneliness and so on. I too have had changes that I should not have to even begin to deal with so early on, but like yours they are completely out of my control (although they are very different, because it's work related so not at all as traumatic). I have done my share of shouting, cursing just getting it out of my system to someone with a kind ear who simply just listens.

I am sorry it's so tough with your girlfriend now, it is so so hard for those who have not lost anyone to really have the patience and understanding we need. Of course she tries and is probably doing the very she knows but so often it's not enough for us because as you say she can't grasp the depth of the pain.

I've woken up a couple of times aswell hearing myself call out for Dad, it's heart wrenching to say the least.

For those that have made me angry with their reactions, their dealing with me I simply distance myself from them for now. I feel that it's more than enough for me to just deal with the changes in my life, my reactions, my feelings and I don't need the stress of pressure from others, the need from others to see me behave or think a certain way that is not possible for me now. I just don't need that ontop of everything else.

keep sharing, venting or whatever with us here Aquarius. I know I can't take away your pain, I can't make it easier but I can listen with an open non judging heart.

((((hugs))) to you

Niamh

[Aquarius7]

Hi Linda, Ron and niamh,

Thank you all for your kindness and support. It is greatly appreciated and extremely helpful.

Linda, you are correct: men do not cry enough and are too afraid of looking weak. Both my brothers are exactly like that and all along have talked about the need to "man up". Needless to say, I do not think they are grieving and are avoiding the whole issue of grief. I, on the other hand, am reading and posting here and have already read 3 books on losing parents. I am learning a lot and it is helping albeit in small ways. My heart is broken that she does not want to get married at this moment. I know it is a sad time, but no doubt my Mom would have wanted us to be married now. I have no doubt about that. It was one of her last wishes. How she could think that I am just looking for a place to live is beyond me if that is indeed what she thinks. We have been together for 3 happy years. What is really killing me is that we did not marry back in 2009 before all this happened. Things would be much different in the big picture. But as usual, I put it off. How stupid! If I could not tell she was "the one" in the first year, there is something drastically wrong with me. That is all I have been thinking about: how much I blew it and should have seen the signs immediately and took nothing for granted. This too is adding to my tremendous grief and sadness.

Ron,

You are a saint my man! All you have been through and to have such a forgiving and letting go attitude. I will aim to emulate your grace and control. I am very sorry about Denise. Maybe you can reconnect with her since time has passed and hopefully everything has settled down? I really hope so if that is what you want. I wil indeed keep posting here. At the moment, I do not have Internet at the apartment so I post from work when I can. As far as exercise, I totally agree. The problem is I need a hip replacement. My hip hurts more and more. I cannot run anymore. I was supposed to have had surgery in July, but the surgeon was not for it. So upon his advice I am living with it and dealing with it until surgery has to be done.

But I will indeed exercise and get out as much as I can.

Niamh,

I am so sorry about your Dad. I understand how much you miss him. You are so right: The house is such a part of my life. To them, it is nothing. They have their own houses and the house has no sentimental value for them. All they care about is money. I really think that when all this is done (if I survive it and live that long) I will never speak to any of them again. In fact, I have thought abour writing them all a letter when that time comes and tell them what I really think about how horribly they handled this whole tragedy and what they did to my parents' memory and to my life. I have seen sides of them that I never knew existed. I knew this day would come one day, but this is much worse than I ever imagined. I feel it (is as in Ron's situation) very vindictive and spiteful: I had a much closer relationship with Mom and Dad then any of them did and was the youngest in the family. They think I got everything I ever wanted and had it easy. Now they want to make life as hard as possible for me and are enjoying seeing me suffer and struggle. To them, it is long overdue and is payback for all I had that they never did. In fact, I even have overhead them saying things like "oh I better look through this box to see if there is anything I might want" (mimicking me)". And another time my oldest brother was overheard saying "I told him he has to get moving" To which I said, "what was that?" to which he said, "oh, I just said you got to get moving", (and tried to sound "nice" about it) I would be really surprised if a verbal and physical altercation does not happen before this is all done.

I cannot take any of it much longer. This morning on the way to work I was asking God to just take me from this world. I don't want it anymore. None of it.

Thanks again everyone! Hugs to all! ((((((( )))))))

[Ron B.]

Aquarius - I am trying to forgive, but there has been no grace or control about it. The situation with my sister is beyond awkward and difficult. If I continue to resent my sister, then I am completely stuck. She'll just reciprocate resentment, and the antagonism never ends. I may even be completely in the right, and she may be totally wrong, but that doesn't matter any more. What matters is my sanity. In that respect, my forgiveness is quite selfish. It's a bargain for peace.

It took me months to figure this out. I can not expect my sister to suddenly develop a conscience and acknowledge her past brutality. It's me that has to change. The only thing that stands a chance of cracking her open to change is kindness. How can we be kind to someone who has been so hurtful? But I am learning to do this. It is an ordeal to engage her kindly, but it is so much better than open hostility. I do this so I can live at peace with myself. Otherwise I would regress into hatred and hostility.

Aquarius, I hope your thoughts and feelings evolve toward solutions that don't compromise your own humanity.

Ron B.

[Imadaddysgirl2]

Oh, good heavens! I am really getting impatient with the people who do not choose to actively grieve. Hats off to you for posting and crying and healing. I see my family members who say they've 'gotten over it' because of whatever reason (they didn't like the person, or they've just ignored those "negative" feelings and have gone on with their life [i think if I hear that one again, I'm going to poke a nose!], or they don't have the experience yet of having a significant loss- other than the next door neighbor's 2nd cousin's ex-husband's girlfriend's trained mouse.)

They all have one thing in common. They don't actively grieve, but they all actively drink to excess and do drugs. Hmmm. Think I'll stick with the crying, healing, and posting.

I hope that things work out well for you, and I bet they probably will. I've decided to not see my family as often so as to reduce my anxiety level and to have an honesty and integrity when I remember my Dad. He wasn't perfect, but he was the best Dad he could be, and I didn't realize how much I loved him until he was gone. He was a lovely, hateful, educated, and ignorant man who had an awful, grizzly death, and I'm so glad that I don't feel the need to pretend it was anything other, which is what I believe some people do.

Good luck with everything and keep in touch. As you can tell, I'm in the angry stage of grieving

Renee

[Imadaddysgirl2]

Thanks, Ron. I really needed to hear someone say that. I'd forgotten that forgiveness is for the person forgiving, not the person being forgiven. -- Renee

[Aquarius7]

Well, I just can't trust any of them...

Last weekend I had to go out of town. They used this opportunity to raid the house while I was not there. I knew they were going to do it and they knew I would not be there so to them it was a perfect opportunity to do whatever they wanted.

First of all, when I told my oldest brother that my fiance did not want the refrigerator anymore (because she realized it did not match the rest of her kitchen) he hung up on me. What an EGO!

So WHAT?! It is just a refrigerator and he can certainly afford 10 of them. This was my Mom's and I would like to have kept it in my family somehow.

Then I went to the house to dig through about 5 bags of "trash" that they had put to the curb. I could not believe some of the things that I saved. To them, it is all junk, but to me it is all part of my Mom's (and Dad's in some cases) life story and history. Such as memorabalia from all the places she travelled and things, activities and people she was involved with. Does it all just not matter anymore because she is not here with us physically anymore?

Then there was the TV. In 1993, My Dad wanted a new TV for Mom and Dad's room. Being happy that I had just returned from Japan and trying to be nice in general, he let me pick out the one I thought was the best one. I picked the Panasonic. He wanted me to sign and date the user's manual; which I did happily. Well, I told them I wanted that TV and it was set up in the den where I left it. Then I hear that it was moved to my room (as if to tell me "get it out of here. It and you are in the way of us selling this house and making money.") So I find the TV in my room. Then looking in the trash what do I find but the remote control for it and the owner's manual (with my name on it!)! I lost it! I must have been shouting very loudly because shortly thereafter while in my carport going through trash who should pull up to my neighbor's house but a police vehicle. He got out and approached my house. I told him what was going on and why I had been shouting. He seemed to understand and asked if anyone else was there. I said there wasn't. He went on his way and everything was fine. But that is how intense things are getting.

And then there was the story of the cake mixer that has been in the family for probably about 50 years! Seeing that I had put it in the donation area, I put it in the kitchen thinking someone might want it. My Mom made us all birthday cakes with it and used it all the time throughout my life. Nope! Found out it too got donated to the Salvation Army. I went there this morning and by a miracle a worker there found it and returned it to me. I gave her a hug. Just got to find the beaters and bowl (which can be replaced; the mixer can't). I also saw a piece of furniture that was ours that I did not want. I had second thoughts about it and wanted it again. Someone had already won it in an auction. The whole situation was so sad.

What gets me is how these people (they are not even that to me; they are not human and have no hearts and consciences) can be so detached from Mom and Dad's memory and all the did for us. It is like their attitude is "well they are gone now, that was the past, time to move on." End of story. Mom and Dad are to be forgotten about and nothing they did really matters anymore. That is their whole attitude about everything. "And the house has no meaning and is sitting there costing us all money (which they have lots of) and the sooner we sell it and the sooner this all gets done the sooner we can move forward." Not a mention about grieving, taking time out, recognizing all Mom and Dad made and perhaps making some kind of scrapbook with highlights of the many things they did in their lives. No. To them, it should all go in the trash and be forgotten about.

Oh, did I ever mention that I found my Mom's wedding dress thrown in the trash? Luckily, I recovered it.

[Darl]

Aquarius7

After reading all that you are going thru I have decided that since I need to make a new will since my husband died and my daughter lives with me I will be sure to put in it that she cannot be forced to leave the house for 4 months or until the house is sold. She has done so much to help me and hopefully this will give her time to get settled.

I hope things start going better for you.