Nobody To Really Rely On

[niamh]

I am feeling just so lost and lonely.it feels like another layer has been pealed back revealing a little more of this horrid reality these last few days.

I'm feeling angry to with friends and family who are supposed to be there for me.

I am truly sick of hearing people tell me they are always there for me night or day and will do anything.at the end of the day it's not the truth,they will be there when it suits them.the few times ive reached out and asked for something it's just a let down so now I really do give up on them.I'm just not going to ask anymore because I really cannot take these stupid let downs.

My heart aches so much for my Daddy,he would and could not EVER let me down and I just want him back.

I have nobody I really trust anymore,they keep on letting me down.don't give me this BS of being there for me and not following through.I'm not even expecting much,if someone says they will return a call,just return it or let me know you can't call.....that's not much to expect.I know it's being over sensitive but it just plain annoys me and that feeling is being magnified a million times these days. 

With some if I am not the one who makes contact I hear nothing for weeks/months......yet I've apologised a hundred times explaining I struggle to make contact.

Some family cannot even acknowledge my feelings,I say I'm still having a hard time when asked and it's just ignored.....geez thanks for nothing.

I just don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore.as I keep saying my Mom is truly all that keeps me going. I wish I could fast forward and just get to see and be with my Dad again.

right now I'm so angry I never want to see or speak to these people again.I know I will,this anger will pass but things will never be how they used to be with anyone.it will always be in the back of my head about these let downs and never really having faith in what they say to me.

Me is all I can rely on now and that's such a lonely and scary feeling,knowing there is nobody in this world who will be there for me like my Dad was.

Yeah everyone was there those first few days when this major horrific nightmare began,so yeah I can count on them for the major things but it's now more than ever I need someone to be there.well no more waiting or expecting on my part,no point and at least then there is no disappointment.

I just needed to get this out somewhere safe before my insides just explode with all this pain and hurt.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Niamh 

Xo

[Lindakay]

Niamh, I think it's fear on their part. Your emotions are running from hormones. Anxiety from the loss and changes. Make you want to run or fight/anger? That's true chemistry about adrenline rushes brought on from anxiety attacks. So your anger may be easier to understand. Now understand them They see anger/deep saddness on your part. They are afraid to

1. Say the wrong thing to you 2. They haven't suffered this loss(yet?) 3. Don't know how to help you out of this.

I'm not simplifying your life. I'm in it too. I just have realized after finding the love of my life dead by his own means. That was the worst day of my life. Nothing gets me going now. Nothing can upset me as much so everything has got to be better than that day. This too can be your thought. Whatever you're feeling now/can't be as bad as when he died. Right? Try thinking of that these days. They're just scared for you. Transfer yourself into their shoes for a moment. My friends and family can't completely talk about my situation comfortably either. They are there for me though. Linda Kay

[missingmy daddy]

Niamh - I too think some of it may be fear on their part. Unless someone has gone through this they have no clue how it affects you. And then everyone deals with it differently. They may not want to bring it up for fear of making you even sadder or saying the wrong thing and making you angry. Tehy don't realize by them doing nothing they are making you sadder and angrier anyway. Do you feel you can tell someone what you need from them? Tell them you need them to acknowledge the loss and pain you are going through. To talk to you and offer to help you, but really mean it and follow through with it. I know what it is like to have everyone around when it first happens; almost to the point of you wanting to tell them to go away and leave you alone; but then not having anyone around when you are ready to reach out to them. They don't understand how your life became frozen in that moment of time while the rest of the world moved on. No one will ever be able to do for you what your Daddy did. It is hard to know that and still go on in this life. But your Daddy would want you to still go on. I don't think you are being over sensitive; people should do what they say they are going to no matter the situation. For them not to is rude in my opinion. I am so sorry you are feeling lost and lonely. I sometimes feel as if I am walking in the woods by myself and am just looking for someone to come hold my hand just so I know I am not alone. I think we all need that hand to hold sometimes. Hugs to you.

[Kavish]

While it may be fear on their part, We can not be afraid to find our loved ones, once again. They are the ones who truly loved and love us and I strive to not to be afraid to go out in the woods and let all thoughts of others vanish till I am only left with the thoughts and spirit of my loved one. I believe my friend lives, and I will try and reach her for my sake alone.

Thanks,

Kavish

[Aquarius7]

I here you niamh.

I am the same way too. But I really think some people just don't know what to say or do. I really think being angry is not going to do you any good. We can't expect everyone to be there for us like your Dad was for you or my Mom and Dad were for me.

I cry all the time about things. Anytime I go anywhere or do anything, there they are: Mom and Dad. The other night I cried my eyes out while driving to the school fair at the church where they used to attend mass and my Dad's memorial service was and where my sister got married. I was thinking about how great things were once upon a time and how happy and vital Mom and Dad once were. I was crying and saying "I miss you guys!"

I just get lonlier and lonlier.

Anyway, I am always here for you if you need to vent.

[niamh]

thank you all for your kind words. Don't get me wrong, these friends are actually great WHEN I do talk with them...I've tried to be as open as I can about how I feel so they can have some tiny understanding of this, they listen with the most open hearts without ever judging or more importantly trying to fix me as much as I know they want to.

Family is a different matter, perhaps it is fear, they have been through it, losing a parent 4 years ago, looks like we grieved/are grieving worlds apart because they have tried to "fix" me over and over to the point where I simply cannot be around some of them any longer for now, some have listened but don't actually hear what I am saying.So for my sanity I've had to stay away for now, I can't focus on making someone else feel comfortable around me, I cannot deny the depth of my pain to immediate "close" family, of all, they are the ones who are supposed to be there.Perhaps they cannot go back to the dark place, if they were ever in it, I simply have zero clue on their grief because they never shared it with me.

It really is the tiny things that become so magnified, making arrangement to phone me, call to me, do something I've asked and then not following through on that. I tend not to ask a second time if I don't hear back on something I've asked. It's frustration I guess, I never say I will do anything unless I can do it just like my Dad. Nobody would ever have to ask him or me for an update on anything, it's just the way we were, nobody is ever left waiting or having to ask a second time. These are things that would just bug a little before all this, now as I said it's magnified and just leaves me screaming from my Dad.

Maybe the next time they begin to make arrangements I will politely ask them not to make any plans unless it's definite on their part and as for asking people to do anything ............I'm just going to go back to the old saying, if you want something done right, do it yourself.

I'm just so sorry that all of you now can relate to what I'm saying because you too have this big hole in your lives.

thanks as always for just being there,

Niamh

[misswavy]

So sorry niamh. I know you're feelings. It will be 4 months tomorrow since my mom passed away. It really is not easier, I am just learning to adjust my life without her! I'm lucky to still have my dad. I haven't heard from hardly anyone since the day of the funeral. Before that when my mom was sick (the last 3 weeks of her life) it was a revolving door at her house. Only about two or three people have called me and only one person visited my dad. The day of the funeral my aunt who works for hospice told me that they would have us over in July for a picnic. I've never even heard from her at all! It is very lonely and empty in this world without my mom. I know I have to go on because my mom would want me to but is the hardest thing I have ever had to do! Hugs and prayers to you! Hang in there!

[Melissa G.]

I am both relieved and sad to know that I am not the only one who has been disappointed by friends and family. I lost my dad 5 months ago and my husband and I just lost his mother 2 weeks ago. It has been a very rough year because both of them were very sick before they passed away. When my Dad died, I got rid of several so-called friends and after my mother-in-law died I weeded out a few more. It just absolutely baffles me how totally inconsiderate some people are. I am not kidding, I got more sympathy from my mother-in-law's cell phone company than some people I have known for years. It has been very hard but I am fortunate to have a fantastic husband, a great family (both my own and my husband's), and a few very good friends. I know that last week was very rough for me and I lashed out at a few people but I don't regret it. I have cut people out of my life and I won't look back. If people can't be there for me when I need them the most, then I don't need them.

I have two wonderful children who will grow up without their grandpa and one of their grandmas (my husband's dad died when he was very young). My son was only 9 months old when my dad died and a year old when my mother-in-law died so he won't remember. But my daughter is 4 1/2 so she will remember and it breaks my heart that she had to deal with the death of a grandmother to whom she was very close at such a young age.

[niamh]

thanks misswavy, I'm so sorry for how you feel too, those monthly anniversaries are so awful, times goes so fast yet it seems slow at the same time. aw that is rough about the picnic, I had an Uncle promise to have one his famous BBQs that my Dad always loved yet I had never been to one of them. Mom & I waited all summer, we never had the BBQ yet we weren't too surprised either.

i'm sorry you can also relate Melissa and I'm sorry for the loss of your mother in law aswell, wow 2 massive blows like that in such a short time.

I remember someone close telling me back in January to "treasure" that initial time, she said it sounded like an odd thing to say but yet I had some understanding. Now I fully get what she meant, sometimes I wish I could go back to those few days, revolving door is so right misswavy, everyone was around, everyone cared with such gentleness, everything was about my Dad..........now sometimes I wonder do people remember he did exist in this world, not everyone of course but some.

Why people say things they don't mean, I will never understand. It was never something I could get before I lost my Dad and now it hurts more simply because I am just an open wound so it's like a lash of salt everytime it happens.

hugs and love to you all,

N

[KJO]

Niamh,

I hear you there SO WELL!

My idea of what it is all about is that our friends do not know what to say to help. The thing is, they don't have to. If they could just listen, then it would be a big help. I felt like I was adrift for dealing with my Mom's death alone. My sisters were dealing with their own grief processes to be helpful, and it feels like you are down in a well somewhere trying to shout out so that you can be heard. However, I got to thinking, unless it happened to them, what could they tell me? If only they knew. That is all one can say about anyone else. Well, I can talk to you about it if you want to discuss it. You are not alone girl!

[Lostdaughter]

Dear Niamh,

I do feel your pain and I really understand how it feels to ask once and then not ask again. I have one person in my life who lost her sister in November and she gets all of this. We've spoken a few times and she acknowedges that I am grieving and that it is still early on. I wish we could be better friends but she is pretty busy with her life. My best friend of 35 years - well, she said some horrible things while Dad was in hospice so I ended that friendship but we did patch things up. Still, the subject of the way I feel really never comes up. She is on me to reconnect my cable and more concerned about that than my Dad. I think most of this stems from losing my Dad at an old age and she lost her Mom at 67 (almost 30 years younger than my Dad). That is something I have to struggle with, as people think that I am not supposed to feel sad because he had a long life. Well, he went through more than six years of dementia and living in a lockdown ward for the last four years, so it wasn't all perfect.

Anyway, I can tell you're a wonderful person and anyone would be lucky to have you in their life. Unfortunately, not everyone is like you or your Dad. People get caught up in their busy lives and sometimes don't want to deal with "icky" feelings of grief. I am glad your friends will be there for you for the major things, as you said, and that might be all they can do. In a perfect world they'd understand your feelings but we don't live in a perfect world.

I have no words of wisdom as to how to make this passage any easier, other than to say what's been said to me. Take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself, don't take on too much. Ron B has been so astute in all his observations and gives great advice. Now I just have to implement it. Taking care of yourself can be something as simple as sleeping when you feel like it or putting off responsibilities that don't really need to be addressed at that moment. That's what I did this a.m. I woke up at 6 and there is so much I need to do, but I said no and went to bed for another three hours and slept. I can let the house be messy when the Termite people come today. Who really cares. I haven't cooked anything resembling real food for months, but the grocery store has Lean Cuisines on sale so who cares if I just buy a bunch and live off of them. I can take vitamins to supplement things and throw in some fruits and vegetables once in awhile. You get the idea. A person can just slow down and it's all ok. The world won't end if things don't get done today.

Take care and I hope for peace for you very soon.

[Lostdaughter]

Melissa G,

I just have to comment on your post. Like you, I've weeded out several people since my Dad's death. One was a ten year friendship and things got very emotionally charged (and not in a good way) and he basically refused to express condolences and refused to ask me how I was doing so I wrote him several times and blocked his email. Anyway, I was angry throughout my Dad's whole stay in hospice and I have lashed out at people. My only regret is that I didn't refrain from doing so, even if they did deserve it. Some of them were members of the "let's do lunch" crowd and "let me know if you need anything or want to talk" and then weeks would go by with no word. Some of them were of the "how are you feeling?" crowd and when I said how I felt I never heard back. I was too harsh with one person but there had been a history of problems and I just can't bring myself to try to rectify things given the history of problems. I do miss that friendship.

Well, I don't see many people who say they ended friendships or lashed out (and I did) so I just had to comment on your post. I am happy you have a family. You are not alone.