Really Having Big Trouble Now

[melina]

I'm panicking completely now. The whole horror of it all has hit me this evening and I really don't know how I'm going to manage it. I am utterly alone. I don't know how to be alone. This is just the biggest nightmare.

Somebody with comforting words - anything?

Melina

[kayc]

Melina,

Take a deep breath. Remember to just think about right now, not the whole future. Try to trust/rest in God for your future. Call someone up and make a plan to do something with them that will give you something to look forward to. Keep busy, try to keep your mind and body occupied. Look around, is there something you need to be doing today? If there is nothing pressing, try to find something you COULD be doing, and get to work on it. If nothing else, volunteer your time. I have been going to see shut ins, it's something I can do to contribute to the well being the of world and whether my world is brightened or not, at least I can brighten someone else's.

[Perkins808]

Hi Melina,

I wish I could reach out to give you a hug right now - I too have had my days where the pain is so unbearable that I can't breath. What gets me through these times is when I look back over the last 3 months.....and realize how far I have really gotten. When my husband Jeff died I thought for sure that I would not survive a day without him. Today, I have survived 77 days without him. They have not been easy, a lot of them have been really, really hard. BUT, I survived them.

I never thought I would smile again.....and yet I have smiled. I never thought I would laugh again.....but I have laughed.

I never thought I'd be able to look at pictures of him without crying.....but I have surprised myself by doing that as well.

What I am trying to say is that right this second it is more unbearable than you can imagine ever surviving. But somehow we will survive this. Allow yourself to sob when you need to - it's your body's way of releasing all the pent up stress of grieving. It's hard to fathom how something that is so painful can actually be good for you, but I've been told that crying is a good thing. When I first heard that I remember thinking that "wow, I should be healed by now then?!"

Just know that you are not alone in this - we are always here to lend an ear and some words of encouragement. It may not be much, but they are heartfelt!

Hugs,

Tammy

[HisEvelyn]

Melina,

Tammy's right. It's been 72 days for me. The laughing and the smiling even sometimes makes me cry, because I cannot turn to Mike and share it with him. But that just reminds me that he is always with me. And the crying does validate the love you feel. There's nothing wrong with missing that love and why wouldn't you? I think I'd feel worse if I didn't want to cry. But I am laughing and smiling sometimes too.

Prayers and Hugs,

Evelyn

[melina]

Thanks everyone, I'm calming down a bit now. I called my sister, which usually doesn't help, but at least it was someone to talk to, and it helped to vent here and get a few comforting pats on the shoulder.

It's as though I never know when it's going to hit. I can be feeling relatively ok, and then out of nowhere I'm a mess again. Too bad there's not a daily plan. Grief and sobbing at 9:15, followed by breakfast, laundry, then grief again at 10:20. At least I'd know when to sit down with kleenex.

Melina

[Cheryl]

I remember the numbness starting to wear off and the reality of Mark's death hitting me also. These are the times where one minute at a time followed by one hour at a time works best. Feel free to cry for a while then rest. Don't try to plan your life or even see your life past now. There is no reason to push yourself past the moment you are now in. Times of acute grief are the resting times. The time the body and mind needs to mourn and rest. Adapting our mind and wrapping ourselves around what has happened. Not for planning or over thinking. Take a small walk even if it's just to the tree in the front yard. Give your self a pat on the back for wanting something more and reaching out to people who can understand. You are brave and even though you don't feel strong there is something in you that is pushing you to want something more.

[Lindakay]

Funny you should mention Kleenex. When everyone is asking if there's anything I can get you....my work sent groceries from two of their stores. At the time I was doing public relations in the community for 13 managers. I knew them all and would network out there for the managers to be connected.. Yeah I even hooked up helping Hospice. Ironic. Well one neighbor asked is there anthing??? I said yeah, have any Kleenex? I think I could use some. She brought six boxes. Bless her. Smiles. Melina, you are having anxiety or panic attacks. I recognize them. This too shall pass. You'll survive them. Brains go out the window when the sthe receptors are too excited to think rationally. Adovan helped me in the one month after. Don't have any since but they helped for the tears that came too quickly at work.Breathe deep and slow down. Do something that you alone want to do. Reward yourself for doing chores you don't want to deal with. Good luck. LindaKay

[nirac]

Melina,

I understand ur pain completly. It will be 5 months in two days since my charlie has left me. I was doing fine for the past few days but today it hit me all over again. I am coming to the realization more and more lately that he is really gone. The first few months I was in a daze, life was blurry. I was just looking back at pictures from one month after he died, the kids had school functions right after and we took pics, I look like I am a zombie.Its crazy.How sick and tired I looked.I still find it hard to laugh, its difficult for me to go somewhere or watch something that he and I did together. I know tha tmay sound silly but I still cant watch certain shows or movies that were our favorite. Can't go to our favorite places. It will help u to do things. I constantly am having a lot of family over for dinners and stuff like that, it keeps my mind off of it, not completely tho, because its always in the back of my head that he is not here with us, but keeping busy does help,it also helps to come on here. For me it helps to read others post and know I am not the only who is feeling this or that.

[Susie Q]

Hello - it's been a while since my last post but I've been here every day reading.

Melina, it's been 13 months since my wonderful husband died suddenly. I'm struggling along but often have the kind of hours/days you describe.

The fog is awful, but reality, when it comes into sharp focus is no fun either.

I've learned to let the deep, raw tears and 'hysteria' come. I feel like I need them regularly, usually when I'm at breaking point on the inside from the pressure and will power needed to maintain 'the show' on the outside for others. I almost welcome the really bad times now because I know that eventually I'll sleep, and strangely, I wake up with a bit more inner strength to be able to try again. Tears are said to release powerful chemicals in the body.

I'm coming to accept that the nasties are probably always going to be lurking just around the corner. The quick tears spill over lots of times every day but when I'm starting to really spiral downwards I just say to myself 'bring it on'. I don't have the energy to fight the anxiety and panic attacks anymore so I plan a night at home alone to let them have their way.

It sounds morbid, I know and this is the only place that I would say it because people here really understand the depth of loss I'm experiencing.

These awful crying nights are just as bad as they were Day 1 - don't get me wrong but somehow I feel that I'm a little more in control of when I have my meltdowns.

Try givng yourself permission to feel rotten - coping all the time is extremely overrated if you ask me.

I hate this life without him, but I know what he would want for me and that gives me some strength to keep trying. I wish you some comfort, some days on this heartbreaking road....Suzie Q

[melina]

Thanks again for kind and comforting words. I went to the grief counselor today, so I got plenty of crying done there. Maybe the tears will let up and allow me to get something done today. It doesn't help that fall has settled in with all its greyness and rain.

Melina