Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups


Recommended Posts

Sorry it has been so long! I have been rather busy with life. Nothing is getting better where I am. My dad is getting worse by the day. The cancer has spread to his liver and he has lost his voice which they may attribute that to the cancer as well. I have contacted The Neptune Society to make payment arrangements for my dad’s cremation when it gets to that point. I need to call the lady back, but for some reason I feel like I am being morbid by doing so before he passes.

Last weekend they were throwing out and selling all of my dad’s things and it really bothered me. I felt as if we are trying to erase him before he is gone. It was a little hard for me as I was looking through boxes we had not seen in years and finding old photographs of all of us and it brought me to a time before his cancer and since all I can think about is how much I miss that time and want to go back.

The only things I think about when left alone or not having music playing to distract me is death. I think about how much life is just pointless because we all die in the end. Who cares what we do… it just ends. I am not religious, I don’t believe in God or a Heaven and I want to so badly right now. I think if I believed in some greater power and that my dad would go to Heaven to see his mom again, that I would have an easier time with him dying. I have been trying to force this whole religion thing upon myself and I just sit there for hours trying to force myself to believe that as opposed to my belief being that after we die… we are just gone.

I have tried to talk to my husband about how I have been feeling, but he is not very comforting. He just tells me that I need to go see a doctor and get on meds because I don’t cry anymore… I just get angry instead. Apparently to him, this is unhealthy and I should be drugged. I just don’t feel that I am THAT bad. Anyway, I miss you all and thank you for your time. I hope to be on a whole lot more soon.

<3 Sharla

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hi Sharla,

aw while it's good to hear from you, it's so sad too. I cannot even fathom what you are going through having to watch your dearest Dad in such pain.

have you ever believed in Heaven/Afterlife/Higher power Sharla ? I only ask because I know my beliefs just got so shook up and are still just all over the place but deep down I think I do have the belief I will be with my Dad again. I just cannot believe love and our bonds just end like that, they must just change and the change is something we cannot comprehend on this side. There has to be more to life than this, it can't just end when our bodies give up on us, surely our bodies are just containers for our souls, our consciousness. Of course I'm not trying to change your mind on anything, it's not for me to do that :-), just telling you my thoughts and trying as always to convince myself I guess.

Sharla, there's something I've been wanting to say to you and every single time I write, I think of it, but I've been afraid to write it because it feels so morbid, it makes things too real or something. One enormous regret I have with my Dad is in all or talks of the meaning of life, Heaven, God and all that now I wished I would have said to him to send me a sign if he ever left this world, to have had something between the 2 of us, that nobody else knew, something specific he could send me (a song, a bird, a feather,anything) so that I would know for sure then that he lives on & he is still with me. Not sure my Dad would have even engaged in such a conversation though, he simply refused to ever talk about his own death, but as his little girl,his "one and only" I think I could have pushed it. So, I say all this to you, I really don't mean to offend or upset you more (I know that's not really possible!!) but if I had the chance, if my Dad was still here, I'd make that pact with him. Obviously do with this what you wish for yourself.

Something else I've noticed too Sharla over the last 9 months, often times I see it's those that have no beliefs that receive the most comforting things from Heaven/Afterlife or whatever exactly it is, visits from their loved ones in dreams or whatever.

I am so sorry hun that your husband is not comforting for you. I don't believe for a second there is anything unhealthy, anger is as much a part of all this as is the sadness. Often people don't want us to be angry because for some reason the anger is thought of as being wrong, as being unhealthy, not being good for us .....I could not disagree more. For me I still have times of anger ....more like internal rage, it builds up and then it erupts in tears most of the time. As long as the anger is not physically harming anyone then there is nothing at all wrong with it. Why would you not be angry because you have to watch your precious Daddy without being able to do a dam thing about it, without having any control over this situation whatsoever. If someone would not say "don't be sad" "don't cry" then they should also not say "don't be angry". It's part and parcel of it all. so I hope you know you are ok, you don't need any drugs at all hun.

I wish as always I had words of comfort for you but I know there are none. I will be thinking of you and your Dad and sending lots and lots of love and a huge (((HUG))) to you, we're always here for you.



Link to comment
Share on other sites


You always have a way of making me feel a little better. I believed in God a long long time ago when I was a child and I wish I could get that "ignorance" if you will.. back. I think that if I believed in God and an after life that it would make losing my dad a little easier for me. I try so hard to believe it these days to no avail, I still find myself with the same belief as I started with. I don't talk to my dad about his cancer or his impending death as he has asked me to be strong for my family and I promised. I just don't think I would be able to talk to him without losing it. I see that he is scared inside and I am afraid to hear him say it. As far as my husband goes, I wish he could feel what I feel inside. I know he loves me anyway, but he has been pushing the whole being medicated thing on me. I just don't want to lose myself. But at the same time all I see is death. I am to the point where I don't understand why people do anything or really care for that matter because we all will die anyway and be nothing and nothing will matter then anyway. My husband wants us to have children, but I think that it will just be easier in the end if we don't. Why have a child that we will will just inevitably die on. If my mind is not taken off my life I just sit there and think of things like this. I am not sure what to do. Maybe I should try counseling and see if that works.

How have you been holding up since the last time we spoke?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hi Sharla,

aw thank you so much for such kind words. I just feel I am all over the place with the questions and understanding or lack of understanding about God, afterlife and all that. It is so hard to simply "have faith" when something so so so bad has happened, is happening, we need hard evidence, to simply try to have faith is extremely difficult.

While I haven't experienced the trauma you are trying to cope with it makes so much sense to me that you wouldn't be able to talk to him about this, 20/20 hindsight is great but being there in that moment, I can see how do you even attempt to bring it up. Even now with my Mom, I have the fear of losing her, anytime she ever mentions anything about her being gone I simply shake my head and refuse to talk/think or contemplate anything like that. So I can't even say it to her to send me a sign if something were to happen, because it is too much.

Yep, I can't even imagine how difficult it is knowing your Dad is scared, Dads are our protectors, they are never supposed to be scared yet of course he is and of course it would be very scary to hear him say that.

thanks for asking Sharla, I am still having a very tough time to be honest, I haven't found it getting less difficult, yes I've been improving in things I can do in work but on the inside I am still struggling with everything. I feel so frustrated not being able to go to my Dad, I am simply so so sick of just not seeing him, not having him around. Sometimes it makes no sense to me that he's not coming back, of course my mind knows it's not possible but it still doesn't make sense, how it happened, why it happened, what it all really means.

Yep, like you I too find it hard to understand anything in this world anymore, I feel I just don't want anything from this life anymore, I just want to get to the point where I can be with my Dad. There is no part of my life he wasn't somewhat involved in, even something such as going out with my friends........he always drove me if I was going to be having drinks so it's like there is no escape anywhere. Everything I do in life involved him so everywhere I go, everything I do has this huge gaping hole that nothing can fill.

I'm so sorry about how you feel about having children now .........it makes so much sense to me what you say. I always wanted to get married, have a family and never for a second ever doubted both my parents would be here for all that. I no longer want any of it and I can't give a straightforward answer as to why, friends often ask why but I struggle to give them answers that make sense to them. The dream just disappeared along with part of myself. I try to imagine it, to see if it would bring any comfort at all but I just don't want it now.

I hope your husband can ease up on pushing the medication on you hun. I think sometimes those that love us who haven't experienced this think there is a "fix", something that can be done to make it better when the reality is there is no pill, no quick fix and it's hard for them to just watch from the "outside" when all the want to do is make it better.

well, I'm sorry this is all so negative :(, it's just the truth from my heart. Just know I'm thinking of you and your Dad and I just hope you are getting to spend lots of time with him, I wish I could simply feel the warmth from my Dad's hands again.

hugs and love to you Sharla,



Link to comment
Share on other sites


Good to hear from you again, you have been in my thoughts and prayers. I can sure understand the frustration, the anger, everything. It feels like his life is slipping away from you and there is not much that can be done to stop it.

I went through something similar with my father. He did not share his fears or anything with his children, I do think he talked about it with my mom whenever they had a moment alone.

It is true that you are the strong one in your family and you are acting according to what you feel is right or appropriate. I was curious about what you said about selling your dad's stuff. Is there any way that can be done when he is no longer in this world? I am not sure if that is being done because he wanted so or for another reason.

I believe you have been doing what your heart dictates you to do. Be there for your father, give him lots of love, try to make him be as comfortable as possible. You said he lost his voice, so whichever way you guys are communicating, you can touch the subject of what he thinks of what is going on...to see if he wants to say something to you about his view on death possibly. I am not sure if your father believes in the afterlife or not. I am just saying all of this for you to think of ways of bringing comfort. You know your father, I don't.

My father was always a firm believer in God, when we found out about his situation, he asked the Lord to cure him, or provide a way for him to get better. I know in my heart God gave us a year with my father. We took advantage to let him know one way or another we love him and that we will always be there for him. Is is sad to see them going little by little? Yes, but I also look back and there were little rays of light among the tragedy we were going through. Two days before his passing, my father talked to me in private, when mom was not near to tell me to take care of her always, even though he was looking to get better, we were going to seek treatment somewhere else...

Do I believe there is life after death? yes, those days my father at times would look up to the ceiling as if he were seeing something or someone, and believe me, his mind was lucid, two hours before he passed on he was talking on the phone, he knew who we all were and everything, but I truly believe he somehow knew the end of his life on earth was near. When the doctors told us that day that he may not make it through the night, I at one point told him I was very proud of him and that it was ok because Jesus was always with us and with him. Few moments after my mom started saying thanks for everything she shared with him ( at this point he was not responsive, he was definitely listening but not talking or looking at us)and at one point he just took his last breath, looked at my mom and smiled at her, then closed his eyes.

I am not saying this to push my beliefs on you or anyone, I am just telling you what I experienced. Now, almost 12 months later, I can say even though he is not physically here, he is somewhere else, and I carry him in my heart, and my thoughts. Love never dies. Is it hard to know he is not here to give him a hug or call him? of course, but at times I think..he lost his parents when he was 17 an he somehow carried on, made a life for himself and was the best father I could ever ask for. In the same way I need to carry on ( I am struggling with it, but must do it). Fathers always want the best for their kids, and I tell myself that.

In my heart and mind I know I will see him again, not because religion tells me so but because I just know. The time that you have with your father cherish it, treasure it. Love conquers all and love prevails above everything.

About your hubby's comment, I am guessing he was trying to help but his comment was way off base,try not to take it personal. You are a strong woman Sharla, and you are being very brave, just be there for your family, for your father because in the end, when he is not in this world those memories and that love will be with you always.

I will keep you in my prayers, big hug for you. Please know you are not alone.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...