More Than My Husband

[ustwo]

On June 11 my husband, Gene, lost his long battle with CHF. We knew this would happen one day...I would be left behind without him. We talked about it, facing reality but continued to fight together for every extra day. My heart aches...my soul aches....I miss him so much. We had 28 wonderful, beautiful years of experiences walking though life hand and hand. And all I want is just one more day with him. We spent that last 12 hrs sharing memories, sharing kisses from under the oxygen mask, holding hands, just being together. During the moments when he slipped into a dream he'd reach out into the air....said he was picking yellow flowers for his baby.....he picked me a life-time of yellow flowers that last day.

I force myself each day to get up and put one foot in front of the other. Not because I want to but because he knew what I would have to do. Each day is so full of pain. I've lost a child....lost my mother this March....but THIS pain is so much deeper. I start out each day reliving that last day.....wanting more time. And also reliving the struggle he put up that last day. I live with the guilt of walking out for just a moment to think about a decision and loosing him in that couple of minutes. He asked for me and I wasn't there....we were 4 breathes away from each other after 12 hrs. I'm so tired of everyone saying how strong I am and that will get me through this. I'm tired of "being strong". I'm so lost and I miss him.

[WaltC]

ustwo

I am so sorry to read of your loss - it is so recent and I realize that you must still be in great pain.

You have an absolute right to feel such pain and any other emotion. Don't let anyone try to deprive you of that right.

You also don't have to be strong regardless of what well meaning others may tell you.

You spent the last 12 hours of your relationship sharing so I hope that you don't let your brief absence for a moment cloud over the time that you did spend with him at the end.

You will never "get over" this grief, but hopefully you will come to accomodate it in time.

The amount of time varies for us all.

It's been 11 weeks for me and I still don't see any end in sight.

But, like you I take life one day at a time.

There's nothing else that we can do.

As long as we are alive there is some hope for us.

I have found some comforting readings at this site: Grief Loss

Kindest regards

Walt C.