Dad

[hello123]

Hi, I recently lost my dad really suddenly, and he was only 50 and very healthy. I liked reading other peoples posts because then I dont feel as alone, its so hard being around people that don't understand and get awkward around you. I read someone talking about how angry they were and that's how I feel it's so unfair people hate their dads and they're still around and I was so close to mine and he was taken so quickly. Also how everyone else my age complain about stupid things all the time and how everyone's getting on with their lives but I cant because mine has changed so much. It would be good to talk to other people going through the same thing I wish more people around me were!!

[2sweetgirls]

Hello123,

I can't express how sorry I am of the loss of your dad and so young. I truly am sorry.

I would imagine that since he was so young that you are probably also. It is hard at any age but, if you are around younger people who have not had experience with loss - especially of a parent - how are they supposed to understand and most of them won't. You will find that mostly everyone on this site feels or has felt similarly to you. Grief is different for everyone but, you will get some comfort that there is at least one other person in this world - and this site - that feels the same as you do. I lost my mom almost one year ago on Nov 30 and just lost my dad Oct. 4. It is hard to talk a lot about it this time around. I have no idea why. Maybe the feeling of being lost and the numbness.....

It is unfair that really horrible people are able to live until a ripe old age - like my husband's example Fidel Castro. I feel angry about that too. I look at people while I'm out and wonder "why can't that be my mom or dad".

hello123, have peace that all that you are feeling is "normal" for what you are going through. I have and continue to feel those feeling too.

Sending many hugs your way. Keep writing when you feel that you can. It does seem to help.

2sweetgirls

[loulou]

I too,lost my dad suddenly and he was young.49.He was healthy,and strong and funny.The grief is unbearable.I still have a very hard time with him being gone.I cant come to terms with it,and I lost lots of friends during this time.I was very close to my dad,we were bestfriends who talked every single day.My phone never rings now,and the hole in my life is huge.You are not alone,this site helped me through the first few months.I still read all the time,but dont post as much.It is hard to see people who have their parents,because it hurts so much to not have mine.I miss him every second.I miss his love and laugh.No one loves me like he did,and its so hard to lose that.Goodluck to you on this very hard road.

[niamh]

Hi there hello123,

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Dad. I lost mine suddenly aswell, he was 65 but probably one of the youngest I knew, we used to laugh on vacation because he was finally getting pensioner discounts.

I am glad you have found this site and our ever expanding online family and I am so glad to hear that you don't feel so alone. Of course none of us can take away each others pain or sadness but as 2 sweetgirls said to know at least 1 other person in this world can relate brings some small comfort.

Most of my friends don't understand either, it was something we all spoke about in recent years, how lucky we all were to still have our parents ..........never in a million years did I expect to be part of this club so so soon, my Dad easily had another 20 years in him.

Yep, it is so unfair seeing others who have no time for their parents, who see them as a burden and yet we are the ones left here without our beloved ones.

we are all here to listen and share with you, I don't know how I would have survived these last 10 months without this site, the confusion, the fear, the feeling like your going crazy yet most people around us have no clue whatsoever, but then to come on here and just see others writing what you're thinking just lets you know, it's all normal and there is someone else who understands.

much love and hugs to you and a BIG HUGE WELCOME,

Niamh

[hello123]

Thank you so much for your replies, and Loulou I was the same my dad was like my bestfriend I spoke to him all the time and now I feel like there's nobody that cares about me as much as he did and I just have to look after myself now. I've lost all my close friends they haven't been understanding at all and my boyfriend dumped me because he couldn't deal with it. I just don't understand how people can be so nasty if it happened to any of my friends I'd like to think I'd be supportive and there for them especially when they knew how important my Dad was to me.

[niamh]

I'm right there with you and loulou (hi hon) with my Dad being my best friend, there was no part of my life he wasn't involved in, none of my friends have relationships with their Dads like I did, until I found this site I never knew anyone else who was as close to their Dads.

I'm so sorry your friends haven't been understanding and that your b/f finished it with you, it's so unfair. I think the unfortunate thing is most people cannot even begin to understand this until it happens to them so it can be hard to continue supporting people down the road in grief because people think xxx amount of time has passed you should be "feeling better", it should be "getting easier". But to me I just think well it's been longer and longer since I saw my Dad, it's not like he's coming back anytime so why should things be easier. I know I look ok on the outside now most of the time but that's just it, it's only the outside, it's only the shell, a bomb exploded inside and there are still billions of pieces floating around but nobody see that most of the time now.

I was telling a friend the other night that sometimes it hurts that most other people just remembers the big things like anniversaries, birthdays, holidays yet for me it can be something as simple as eating a burger, wondering does my Dad miss this, can he still have them, does he remember them and it makes me sad. Those tiny reminders are everywhere & they hit everday.

I do think one of the hardest things if not the hardest is that true unconditional love from our Daddys, even if someone tried I don't think they could come close to providing that security, that invisible yet guaranteed safety net when they were here. I hate the lonely empty scary feeling of that. No matter what ever happened in my life before I would always think to myself ah sure at least I still have Mom & Dad and it would always give me comfort because I would be so grateful & would think nothing else really matters........now 50% of that is just GONE (I have no siblings) and that comfort is gone forever from this life.

Just plain SUCKs doesn't it

(((hugs)))

Niamh

[hello123]

Yeah thats exactly true, about how time doesnt bring them back so why does it make it easier it's harder because then you have to accept they're not coming back, where as now it still hasnt sunk in. And I know what you mean about doing little things, I don't particularly count months or think oh today its been 8 months or whatever but when you do small things you used to do with him or what you know he would like doing its worse. The worst thing is how much he enjoyed life and appreciated it and theres people out there who dont but are still living. And what you're sayin about being grateful for having your mum and dad so true again theres people who arent who complain and they still have them its just unfair!!

[Lostdaughter]

hello123,

I imagine the void must be horrible. I am so sorry for the loss of your dad and he was so young. Life is short and we just never know...gosh, I am older than your dad was...

You had the gift of a very close relationship, which I imagine can be a two edged sword, as they say. I mourn my dad's passing, but I never really knew him. Maybe this makes me lucky? Yet I can't go back and ever "know him" and he is the only dad I will have ever had. I read the posts of those of you whose dad was such a big part of life and I can't relate exactly (as I never had that kind of relationship with my dad and still I loved my dad), but I know it must be incredibly hard to have them gone. Harder than hard.

All I can say is that you've found a community that understands, even though our losses may be different in circumstance. Grief is grief and we only each had one dad (not to diminish anyone who also had a stepdad who was just like a biological dad or better - ok, sounds clumsy, but I hope you know what I mean).

LD

[Jsph110]

keep posting how you are feeling

[hello123]

Thank you both

Some days are so so hard, what's the point of a life without him? I cant imagine it, I dont want to, nothings complete without him. Why did this happen to us? So suddenly and so harshly no last goodbyes no chance to give him a hug or tell him I loved him I never thought in a million years this would ever happen to me and now it has I dont want to believe it and I dont want to just carry on and take the memories cuz there shouldve been many more, my younger brother was only 7, why should such a small child go through so much pain? How do we know where they go? People talk about "a better place" but its not certain so how can we cling onto the thought that we will see them again when we dont know that we will and why does this only happen to some people and not others

[loulou]

i understand everything you are saying.My younger sister and brother are 1 an 8.I dont really know what to believe about what happens after we pass.I miss my dad so much.He was always upbeat and made me laugh.I have no one to make me laugh.Life is so dreary now.

[Ooni]

I understand your pain. I lost my dad very suddenly about a month ago. We were very close. He was 63, too young. I'm 30. It makes me so sad, all of the things I took for granted. Some days I think I'm in denial - I keep expecting him to be at his computer when I come home. It's like there is this huge gaping hole in my heart, and when I let the reality of the situation sink in, it is so unbearable. I feel urges to do horrible things. I have to fight the urge to scream. Running helps. Need a punching bag. I am so thankful for my mum, and for one close friend that is always here when I need her. All of my other friends have stopped calling. It's like the world expects you to act like nothing's changed, when the whole world has spun out of orbit. Dad was always there for me. Always. I turned to him for advice and support, and he always gave it, and in such a loving way. How can you continue on, knowing that is gone? Just *poof* gone! In an instant. It's so final. I keep feeling like if I did this or did that, he might come back. But I know he isn't coming back.

I am so sorry for your loss Hello123. A wonderful dad is impossible to replace. I'm here if you need to talk. <3

[niamh]

OONI, I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad, they are so impossible to replace or even come close to replacing.

I too wonder where my Dad really is now, is he really somewhere else, does he really watch over me, it's so hard not knowing for sure. Somedays I believe it more than others, somedays I have so many doubts and it's scary. If I only knew for sure I think it would bring some little comfort, just to know he's just waiting for me somewhere else I can't go right now. It makes no sense that he's not here, not coming back.

Sometimes I feel like I am waiting for it all to change, for my old life to come back again, how did it all go so horribly wrong in one split second it all came crashing down.

I struggle to find any meaning with this life now, so much seems so pointless. I never wanted to be part of this club, none of us did, why so soon, why so early. Why didn't we get more time like others ? It hurts me so much when I see people WAY older than me still with their Dads, while I'm stuck with an entire lifetime without mine, why didn't my Dad get to see 70, 80, 90

((HUGS)) to all

[hello123]

Thank you Ooni im sorry about your Dad, and thanks Niamh. It's comforting to read what you guys write and it's like I ALWAYS SAY THAT but theres no1 i can say it to because no1 else gets it!!

[MartyT]

Niamh, dear, you said, "I struggle to find any meaning with this life now, so much seems so pointless." Someone once said that the purpose of life is to discover your gifts ~ and the meaning in life is to give them away. It seems to me that one of your most precious gifts is the compassionate, non-judgmental, totally accepting way you respond to the bereaved who find their way to our site, and you give it so consistently, so freely and generously. Perhaps, for now, you can take comfort in knowing this is one way you are finding and making some meaning in your life. If you continue to do so intentionally as a way to honor your father, it may become even more significant to you. Just a thought . . . ♥

[niamh]

Niamh, dear, you said, "I struggle to find any meaning with this life now, so much seems so pointless." Someone once said that the purpose of life is to discover your gifts ~ and the meaning in life is to give them away. It seems to me that one of your most precious gifts is the compassionate, non-judgmental, totally accepting way you respond to the bereaved who find their way to our site, and you give it so consistently, so freely and generously. Perhaps, for now, you can take comfort in knowing this is one way you are finding and making some meaning in your life. If you continue to do so intentionally as a way to honor your father, it may become even more significant to you. Just a thought . . . ♥

thank you so much for those lovely thoughts & kind words Marty, it is something that has crossed my mind alright, quite a bit actually.

I know the little bit of comfort it gives when someone else can nod and agree & understand so much of what goes on in our confused minds and as so many have done with me here,I too try to share as much as I can.

[Lostdaughter]

I know this is going to sound stupid and trite, but maybe there is some truth to it. Are any of you old enough to remember Billy Joel's "Only the good die young?"

My dad lived to be 95 and all I feel is pain and duplicity. I SO wish I could have experienced what some of you did. But I didn't. They say life is about quality rather than quantity. Just something to consider.

[niamh]

Not stupid at all,not sure of the song altho it rings a bell,but I absolutely agree with you. In no way did i mean or do I think any of

this is easier if someone lives much longer.I think losing someone at any age at all makes us all feel cheated out of so many things,time being one of them and that is just one of a billion things for me.

I'm sorry for the awful tough time you are having (((()))))

[hello123]

Lostdaughter- Not stupid I always think about that, people tell me 2 consider myself lucky because of the relationship we had and how so many people don't have that. It's just different circumstances they're all horrible for the people experiencing them at this point in time I can't consider myself lucky but I can imagine how hard it must be to never have something and especially if you wanted to so I'm really sorry but all I can say is to look and focus on the people who DO care and who DO give as much as you do!!

[emptyinside]

I understand your pain. I lost my dad very suddenly about a month ago. We were very close. He was 63, too young. I'm 30. It makes me so sad, all of the things I took for granted. Some days I think I'm in denial - I keep expecting him to be at his computer when I come home. It's like there is this huge gaping hole in my heart, and when I let the reality of the situation sink in, it is so unbearable. I feel urges to do horrible things. I have to fight the urge to scream. Running helps. Need a punching bag. I am so thankful for my mum, and for one close friend that is always here when I need her. All of my other friends have stopped calling. It's like the world expects you to act like nothing's changed, when the whole world has spun out of orbit. Dad was always there for me. Always. I turned to him for advice and support, and he always gave it, and in such a loving way. How can you continue on, knowing that is gone? Just *poof* gone! In an instant. It's so final. I keep feeling like if I did this or did that, he might come back. But I know he isn't coming back.

I am so sorry for your loss Hello123. A wonderful dad is impossible to replace. I'm here if you need to talk. <3

I could have written this. The world does expect everything to just continue like before, while you're left alone, away from the person who loved you unconditionally. I'm sorry you have to feel this, too, Ooni.

[Bron-J]

Hey there, I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your dad. I was feeling upset the other night and stumbled across your post and I just had to reply. I can very much relate to how you are feeling now. When I was 17 I lost my dad very suddenly to a heart attack. He was only 47 years old and to us he was healthy.. he never smoked, rarely drank, ate healthy, wasn't overweight and also had just cycled all the way down one side of Australia!

I was absolutely heartbroken when he died, and today.. I am STILL heartbroken. My dad was my best friend and the one person I felt understood me and I loved him more than can I even express in words today. I could not understand why he should be taken away from me, the one person I loved more than anything else in the world. My friends were also very close to my father and would often come and stand around in his garage with me and just laugh and talk.

Like you, I lost almost all but one of my friends during this period as they simply could not understand my feelings and nor could I express my pure sadness to them. I felt like whenever I tried to talk to them they'd change the subject or they just felt so awkward that I wouldn't know what to say and I'd change the subject. Eventually I withdrew from them and they just didn't know any better and began to slowly stop coming around to see me, which hurt very, very much. I also found it hard that at this time of my life they were all starting university and beginning to get into serious relationships and I was left behind, lonely and heartbroken.

I am almost 28 today, and it will be 11 years since my dad died on the 19th of January. As I've gotten older I have learnt to forgive my friends and realise that they were so young they really just didn't know how to be there for me, most people simply cannot fathom how intense the hurt and grief is until they experience it themselves, especially at such a young age. I think it was also hard at my time of life as at 17 years old you're not a child anymore, yet you're not an adult... you're beginning to see your father as more of a friend and adult, not just as a "dad".

I found that over the years, I took a lot of pain and kept it to myself, choosing instead to cry quietly when my mum was asleep or when other people weren't around, I don't think I ever remember crying in front of anyone else and because of this I often wonder if I ever dealt with my grief properly. I now often think about the times I comforted my mum when she was crying and there were times when I had to run to get the neighbours because she was having such intense fits of crying she'd begin to scream and I wouldn't know what to do... yet I never had anyone to comfort me. I cannot blame my mum for this but I still wish I had someone to talk to about what was going on with my life instead of my friends leaving me behind.

I do not know what to say to ease your grief but know that there are people who DO understand you and care... and may be that will be some comfort to you. Dad's are very special and I would do anything to have mine back.. if only life was that simple, hey?

[hello123]

Thank you so much for your reply Bron-J, I have two younger brothers one was 7 and the other was 15 (he's 16 now but it hasn't even been a year weird). It must be difficult for you because the date is close. I know what you mean about just choosing to forgive friends and just accept that they can't understand but it is definitely frustrating when you know you wouldn't do the same in the situation. We don't cry together as a family either, it's like everyone's scared of upsetting the others. How did your mum cope? I don't really know how I can help mine. Yeah like you said what can you do, it's happened to us and it's the worst thing and difficult to understand but it just goes to show contrary to what some people say everything DOESN'T happen for a reason thankss

[Bron-J]

Hello

I also have two siblings, I have a younger sister who was 14 (now 25!) when my dad died and an older brother who was 18 (now 30!) When my dad died. I found it was the same actually, we never cried together as a family. My mum was very open about her grief and I often sat with her for hours while she cried and cried but I found my brother and sister couldn't deal with it and often left the room. I also rarely cried with her, choosing to let it all out when I was alone in bed at night or when noone was home. I honestly don't remember seeing my little sister cry, though I'm sure she did.. she seemed to sail through the grief somehow while my brother and I were the ones that struggled. My brother was actually with my dad when someone was trying to revive him, so he had different things to deal with than I did and I think because my sister was always closer to my mother (although of course she loved my dad just as much!) she still had someone to support her, whereas I was so close to my dad I literally felt like my world was crumbling. Of course, I loved my mum too, but I was so incredibly close to my dad. We often all talk about my dad, but I don't think we've ever actually discussed "grieving" together. You probably have already noticed how differently everyone grieves.. it is so hard to deal with someone elses grief when you're hurting yourself.

I tried to just be there with my mum she was upset, I'd just sit and cuddle her when she cried although it was very difficult. I remember there was a couple of times she was so upset we ran for the neighbours who eventually had to ring the doctor and my mum would scream at the doctor and ask him for something to put her to sleep so she didn't have to deal with the hurt anymore. Those were the hardest days of my life. Mum eventually realised she needed extra help and she sought the help of a psychiatrist and she would often tell me if it wasn't for my brother, sister and I she would have killed herself. It is not easy to see someone you love hurting so intensly, especially when you are too.

I think really what we all say we wish we had someone to talk to and that is the very best advice I can give you. Just be there with your mum when she wants to talk or just cry, try and encourage her to be open and likewise, be open with her if you want to cry or talk! You are very right though.. noone wants to burden someone else with their grief and I think that is why my mum eventually spoke to a psychiatrist because she didn't want us to watch her hurting anymore. Don't be surprised if your mum keeps to herself, especially with children that are so young, mum's are notorious for wanting to "keep it together" for their kids! Maybe you could just even tell your mum not to be scared to upset you, you want to be there for her. There might even be someone on here that's been through the loss of a partner that can tell you how they felt when they were grieving and were looking after their own children and what helped them cope. I think it must be hard having such a younger child in your family and teenagers because of course you will have more of an understanding about things than a 7 year old.

It is hard to hear sayings like "things happen for a reason" and that things will get better eventually.. and even having lost someone I still hate those sayings. I even had a friend at school ask me three weeks later at the start of school if I was over it yet!! All I can say is that you never "get over it" but you do learn to find ways to cope over time.

I have to say though, I miss my dad every single day so anniversaries and birthdays don't make me miss him anymore or less.. I always miss him, no matter what the date.

[Princesspeanut]

Hi, I recently lost my dad really suddenly, and he was only 50 and very healthy. I liked reading other peoples posts because then I dont feel as alone, its so hard being around people that don't understand and get awkward around you. I read someone talking about how angry they were and that's how I feel it's so unfair people hate their dads and they're still around and I was so close to mine and he was taken so quickly. Also how everyone else my age complain about stupid things all the time and how everyone's getting on with their lives but I cant because mine has changed so much. It would be good to talk to other people going through the same thing I wish more people around me were!!

Im so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad suddenly too, he was 58. I also feel like no one understands me. They cannot see inside my soul and see all the pain that I am feeling all the time. I then get angry and begin to hate myself because I just can't 'be normal'. Even my moments of normalcy are always awakened with the fact that I have had this extreme loss in my life, this tragedy. I cannot STAND people around who are mopey or in a bad mood because they 'got dumped' or 'have a lot of schoolwork'...I would love problems so trivial! It drives me crazy because I want to say 'do you know what pain is?'...I often feel so selfish for wanting to be all about me and not being able to relate to anyone or anything else but it's so hard.

[hello123]

I'm so sorry for your loss, I know I felt the same but when you come on here and read peoples posts it's like there are people who understand. And don't feel selfish at all because it's such a horrible thing to happen you have the right to emphasise how you feel just one thing I've learned is not to expect others' to understand or change, even if they are friends, because nobody can/will./does and it just ends up upsetting you rather than them!!