My Love Left At 7:48 Sat Night

[ustwo]

All my days are bad but Saturday's are worse. I wake up in the morning hearing the clock tick away. I'm emotionally paralized, can't function, can't think. And the nearer it gets to the evening the pain gets worse. My heart aches as I look at Gene's pictures and down at his ring that I took off and placed on my finger. All of my days have tears but Saturday's are non-ending despair.......I miss him so much. God give me the strenght to get through one more Sat night......the day my world ended. The day Gene left. The day my shared heart and soul broke forever. I knew he couldn't fight it any longer and I told him it was ok to go. He had suffered long enough and I had to let him go that night. But don't know how to truely let go.....I'll never let go. We held hands through all of life's battles and all I'll do the rest of my life is wait for him to reach out his hand to me. 6 more minutes until 7:48.

[WaltC]

I am at a loss for words to give you any comfort. I do feel your pain, but I cannot recall the daze that I was in just 3 weeks after my dear wife's death. I would not remember what people were telling me at that time.

Saturdays are not good for me either. My wife was buried on a Saturday, eleven weeks ago and I have NOT been able to stay away from the cemetary site for one single day since then.

Like you did, I have my wife's wedding ring on the same hand and finger that she placed that ring on my hand over 40 years ago. Amazingly it fits perfectly, as her fingers were swelled up in the last few months of her life and she wanted her ring re-sized so she could wear it as long as she lived.

It sounds to me that Gene must have been one great guy who is so lucky to have a faithful partner like you.

Try to remember the good times if you can - I am sure there were many.

[ustwo]

Walt, thank you for your responses. Today is the beginning of a new week for all of us. Your wife's name? Seems like some people around me are "afraid" to mention Gene's name. I'll also be remembering that Sat is not only a bad day for me but for you also. Someone else is in pain. On Sunday's I start a new week knowing I am priviledged to love this wonderful man.....to have shared a life with him....to carry this love for the rest of my life. I know what Gene and I share is magical. I know that what you and your wife share is magical.

I am busy packing up a house to sell so I can move.........to where my Gene rests next to my Mother. Gene and I knew this was the plan, we had talked about it. My mother passed away in March. So my 81 year old father and I will lean on each other everyday. He visits them everday to say good nite until I get there. I have the need to be there now but have to build up my strength to drive the 3 hours there. I still need this time alone to grieve my way......to walk with this pain in my heart that is so hard to bare. I miss him so much.

Walt know that in this brief moment of "no tears" someone feels your pain. I understand what you and your wife share, what each moment is like without the voice you yearn to hear, the face you yearn to touch. For this moment I know I will go on, not because I want to but because I have to. I end each nite saying " ALWAYS GENE, ALWAYS MY LOVE". I touch our rings and cry myself to sleep.

ALWAYS IS FOREVER!

[WaltC]

ustwo

It is so nice to wake up this sunny morning and read your kind reply

It brings tears to my eyes, but good tears not bad.

You may be a bit surprised to know that my wife's name is Jean - we were married for over 40 years when she died from liver cancer on April 13 of this year. She had survived with progressive MS for over 20 years, but died from the cancer only 99 days after the diagnosis. (She was expected to live for only two or three weeks)

I am so glad to be able to communicate with someone else who talks about their loved one in the present tense.

Both Gene and Jean will continue to be loved by us for the rest of our lives.

I understand that others somehow are able to "move on" and find another love, but for me I have NO plans to even think about that.

Jean and I used to discuss this point and she wants me to be "happy" after her death, but I told her I could NEVER be happy without her but would "carry on" for the children's sake.

Magical is the right word to describe our love for our physically departed partners.

I know that selling a house and moving away can be very stressful events.

Hopefully moving closer to your Dad and Gene will more than relieve any associated stress.

Losing a mother and Gene so close together must have been devastating - you must be a strong person.

You father is lucky to have someone like you to lean on for support.

Like you, I will also go on, mainly because Jean wants me to. Our wedding rings are together on my finger to remind me, not that I would forget, that our love goes on forever.

Death has parted us physically but will not take her presence away from me.

Walt C.

[ustwo]

Walt, now I know that when I wake in the mornings and my mind floods with thoughts of my Gene that you too have Jean waking with you. The rush of thoughts is so overwhelming......another day that I can't have my soul-mate walk down the hall smiling headed for his good morning kiss to start our day off. Both of our loves fought hard to give us each another day to share with them. And I know what your Jean went through as Gene had CHF complicated by liver damage and kidney damage from all the medicines over the years. Gene and I fought for 18 years.........you and Jean fought for 20......it really doesn't feel like it was that long. And on all the good days, we spent making wonderful memories.

I can't physically embrace my one true love. But he is always with me and that's all I need for the rest of my life. My heart is filled with Gene. Our children watched us showing our affection for each other all the days we had together... our friends watched....our family watched. They all know that the miracle of our love was a blessed once-in-a lifetime. I will go on but only to wait for the day Gene reaches out to hold my hand once more. Our rings are circles that have no end.........and it will never end.......never. The pain will never end. I will never stop missing his touch, his smile, his beautiful green eyes, his voice, his strength, his kindness, his gentleness, his courage. I am proud to be his wife. I know you also are blessed to share a life with your Jean. The world doesn't even know how less of a place it is without Gene & Jean.

Thank you for letting me share my pain as you still walk with yours. I truly know what you and Jean share.........will always share.

I miss him so much. Another day of putting one foot in front of the other but trying to figure how. Gene leaves me with a legacy of 4 wonderful children and 6 wonderful grandchildren. I go on making sure they know that they are who they are because of one wonderful man.....their Dad and Grandfather. And I see bits of Gene in each of them.

My heart aches .

Gene and Jean wrap their love around us each day......I know that.......I feel that.

Wishing you a gentle day of memories.

[spela]

ustwo and WaltC,

I'm sorry for your losses. Thank you for your words, full of love and hope. WaltC, I also write and talk about my loved one in present tense. I do believe he's here. I returned from holidays with his sister 3 days ago. We talked about him a lot, we cried and laughed - and you know, sometimes it felt like he was physically there with us, I could almost see him and hear him ... There are things that happen that I'm sure are signs from him - he would do someting sweet, to make me smile ... and in those moments I KNOW - that he's well and happy and that I will see him again and be with him. Forever this time.

It helps me to know I'm not the only one who believes that. Thank you. Take care!

[WaltC]

Well, it's another Saturday to try to survive

I hope all who read this message have a relatively good day.

It is extremely hard work - this grief thing - and I am unsure of what the rewards are for doing such work.

All we can do is take one moment at a time and live in hope that we shall soon see our loved ones again, or at least feel their presence until that day comes.

Kindest regards to all - remember your loved one who has physically left would want us to carry on until we can meet again.

Sorry for the rambling

[kayc]

It is three weeks ago today that I lost my beloved husband, my soul mate, my best friend, and I can relate so aptly to your pain and loss. Unlike you, I didn't get to tell him it was okay to let go, and I wasn't able to be there to hold his hand as he slipped away, for they made me leave...he was having yet another heart attack, just barely 51, so young. All our dreams gone in a moment and nothing but sorrow and empty wishes left to remain. I too wonder how I will survive this, how I will hang on until my time too has come and I can be with him again. How do I wait, what if it's another 40 years? I have always had strong faith and yet I find myself wondering stupid things, like how will I find him up in heaven, it's surely such a big place, how will things be different, will I still be as special to him as I always was? We were everything to each other, how do I go on without the love of my life? My life is so alone now, so painful, how can I possibly turn it in to meaning and purpose? Each day drags so slowly by, no matter how busy I keep myself. Nights are hard, I cry myself to sleep and then awaken a couple of hours later to tossing and turning and thoughts that don't shut off. Saturdays are the worst, that was our day, the day we always saved for each other. We did everything together, now everything is a reminder of what I've lost. Over and over I think of his suffering, how long he endured that pain, and I wish I'd realized. Futilely I berate myself for what I should have done different, I should have taken the bull by the horns and just made him see another doctor instead of letting him procrastinate...I should have insisted he be tested for heart disease instead of accepting the doctor's prognosis of "anxiety"...I should have told him to quit his demanding job instead of waiting for him to find a new one first...I should have slowed down and smiled at him more and...oh but I worshipped him! How could I have done more than I did! I gave him life, I loved him as no one ever had! I was his little one, always and forever, and nothing will change that, not death, not this invisible wall that has forcibly separated us for a time. Nothing is as invincible or as enduring as our love!

[WaltC]

I loved him as no one ever had!  I was his little one, always and forever, and nothing will change that, not death, not this invisible wall that has forcibly separated us for a time.  Nothing is as invincible or as enduring as our love!

kayc - I am so sorry to read of your recent loss, I do realize the pain and suffering that you are going through.

51 is way too young to die, but I am not sure if we are ever ready to let our spouse go.

There are so many questions that we seek answers to and none of those questions are "stupid".

Don't you worry about finding him. He is with you now and forever. He will find you later when you are with him again. You are special to him and always will be.

Those of us who have lost their spouses all have similar questions and concerns. We all deal with them in our own ways. I have read many books to try and find some answers. The best one that I have found so far is Healing A Spouse's Grieving Heart by Alan D. Wolfelt. You can read an excerpt here Helped me

I have found this message board to be a helpful place. There are many caring, non-judgemental people here who know from experience how hard it is to continue living day by day.

The end of your message indicates to me that you will survive this loss.

I wish you well in the difficult work of grief.

Kindest regards

WaltC

[tamileacan]

I just wanted to tell you all that I am very sorry for your losses and thank you for your words, they have helped to encourage me to write about my love.

Wednesday, is the hardest day for me. I lost David, the love of my life 8 weeks ago on May 25, 2005. He was very healthy and very much alive when he left for work that morning. We had no way of knowing that just an hour later there would be a traggic accident that would take his life.

We met when I was 15 and he was 18. We grew up together and raised two beautiful daughters. We were supposed to grow old together and watch our grandchildren grow. He was only 41 years old at the time of his accident and our first grandchild is due to arrive this November on his 42nd birthday.

I miss him soo much and the pain is unbearable most of the time. I try to stay strong for my girls. And the three of us have tried to turn our focus on the baby.

I believe he sends me little signs to let me know he is with me and I know that one day we will be reunited. Until then I must find a way to go on and take care of the children.

[spela]

I am sorry for your loss. I also believe in signs, I do believe that our loved ones want to make us smile and let us know that they are with us and love us. Be gentle with yourself, you don't have to be strong all the time - and tears can be healing. Take care!

[ustwo]

I'm so sorry anyone has to walk this "trail of pain". All the broken hearts. Tamile, you write about your husband........write his name, scream his name, talk about him and to him all the time. He's still with you. I woke up this morning and soon as my eyes opened my mind screamed out "Gene"! I don't have friends or family near me where I live but someone calls everyday. Some are having a hard time saying my love's name. I know they are only trying to support me and help me but his name doesn't hurt me. It's a celebration of the blessing God gave to me 28 years ago.

Children and grandchildren..........you'll look at them and see pieces of your husband in each of them.....a smile, a glimmer in the way their eyes sparkle, the way they walk or talk......their personalities. My grandchildren will always know how wonderful a man Gene is.

All of us are in pain. But write. This site helps me keep my sanity. There is so much love out in there. Can't seperate the love and pain........they are the same thing for now. But we are not alone.

To everyone in pain I only hope we get through just one more day without our loves here to touch and talk to. To everyone in pain I suffer through this day along with you. I do not look forward to tomorrow......I do not look forward to today. I just exist the best way I know how to.

Always Gene......Always!

[kayc]

Herein is my first post on this site, after losing the most amazing man that ever was, to a sudden heart attack.

On 7/10/2005 at 2:16 AM, kayc said:

It is three weeks ago today that I lost my beloved husband, my soul mate, my best friend, and I can relate so aptly to your pain and loss. Unlike you, I didn't get to tell him it was okay to let go, and I wasn't able to be there to hold his hand as he slipped away, for they made me leave...he was having yet another heart attack, just barely 51, so young. All our dreams gone in a moment and nothing but sorrow and empty wishes left to remain. I too wonder how I will survive this, how I will hang on until my time too has come and I can be with him again. How do I wait, what if it's another 40 years? I have always had strong faith and yet I find myself wondering stupid things, like how will I find him up in heaven, it's surely such a big place, how will things be different, will I still be as special to him as I always was? We were everything to each other, how do I go on without the love of my life? My life is so alone now, so painful, how can I possibly turn it in to meaning and purpose? Each day drags so slowly by, no matter how busy I keep myself. Nights are hard, I cry myself to sleep and then awaken a couple of hours later to tossing and turning and thoughts that don't shut off. Saturdays are the worst, that was our day, the day we always saved for each other. We did everything together, now everything is a reminder of what I've lost. Over and over I think of his suffering, how long he endured that pain, and I wish I'd realized. Futilely I berate myself for what I should have done different, I should have taken the bull by the horns and just made him see another doctor instead of letting him procrastinate...I should have insisted he be tested for heart disease instead of accepting the doctor's prognosis of "anxiety"...I should have told him to quit his demanding job instead of waiting for him to find a new one first...I should have slowed down and smiled at him more and...oh but I worshipped him! How could I have done more than I did! I gave him life, I loved him as no one ever had! I was his little one, always and forever, and nothing will change that, not death, not this invisible wall that has forcibly separated us for a time. Nothing is as invincible or as enduring as our love!

[scba]

Dear Kay, I don't know what to say but a thank you for being here with us, for helping us with a gentle word and hug. Reading your first post I could feel your pain. And after all of these years, thank you for staying here to help us, the new ones, too.