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I'm So Flippin Mad!


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I have so much anger inside me right now I want to destroy something. My sister passed away October 25 of this year. She was 20 years old. I know they say anger is part of grief, but I've never experienced it like this. I just have this white-hot rage inside me. I'm not mad at God or anyone else, at least I hope not, but I'm just so mad because it happened. It scares me because I'm usually a happy person, and this isn't me. I was trying to play my piano today, and at first I was playing my favorite song, but then I started BANGING on the keys as hard as I could. I just needed a way to release the pressure.

I'm a work-from-home medical transcriptionist, and I haven't really been able to work today because I have been having a major-league melt down. It hurts so bad it feels like it's stabbing me in the heart. I try to read to get my mind off of it, but it seems like my brain is stuck. It's so hard for me to do the basic things that you have to do. I have to give myself a pep talk in order to get out of bed and get in the flippin shower. I just want the pain to go away, but judging by the posts on this forum, it probably won't go away anytime soon. I just hope my piano can handle being played hard.

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Well, I don't think you are abnormal at all, but I'd encourage you to hit pillows rather than your keyboard.

I felt such inexplicable anger and rage when my dad went into hospice, even though he was old I/we all knew it was coming. I should have punched pillows. Instead I just punched people (not literally) instead. I wouldn't recommend this idea. I still have a few people I can talk to, and maybe some of the ones in my life had to go, but still...I definitely could have coped better.

I'd realize that your anger is completely justified and try to find ways to discharge it to cause the least amount of damage. I'd recommend counseling and/or grief groups if you have them in your area. Also, and this is just my opinion, but maybe a trip to your MD could be in order to get some medication to deal with some of what you're feeling. I know grief isn't to be medicated away, but I see nothing wrong with a little something to calm down as long as taken per the prescription. When my dad was dying, I was at the point of coming apart. I asked my Dr for something (I figured it was better than making them land the plane) and he did give me something short term.

Often, life just makes no sense and there is so much unfairness. And grief is just one of those emotions that can be very unpredictable and seem irrational at the time. When we come up against something that we have no control over and that hurts us deeply, it is normal to be enraged. I think over time it will lessen and, in the meantime, this is a safe place to vent away and not be judged for it. Again, I am so sorry for your sister's untimely death.

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I have so much anger inside me right now I want to destroy something. My sister passed away October 25 of this year. She was 20 years old. I know they say anger is part of grief, but I've never experienced it like this. I just have this white-hot rage inside me. I'm not mad at God or anyone else, at least I hope not, but I'm just so mad because it happened. It scares me because I'm usually a happy person, and this isn't me. I was trying to play my piano today, and at first I was playing my favorite song, but then I started BANGING on the keys as hard as I could. I just needed a way to release the pressure.

I'm a work-from-home medical transcriptionist, and I haven't really been able to work today because I have been having a major-league melt down. It hurts so bad it feels like it's stabbing me in the heart. I try to read to get my mind off of it, but it seems like my brain is stuck. It's so hard for me to do the basic things that you have to do. I have to give myself a pep talk in order to get out of bed and get in the flippin shower. I just want the pain to go away, but judging by the posts on this forum, it probably won't go away anytime soon. I just hope my piano can handle being played hard.

I hope it's just part of the adrendlin release you know fight or flee syndrome. I never went through the anger thing. Some others on here have felt it so you aren't alone.LindaKay

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Hi there,

I remember when my brother died the first emotion I felt was anger. I was mad at GOD. How could HE take someone so young who had a wife and four small children. I've been told that anger is a very natural and normal emotion to feel when having a loss like this. There is a progression of emotions. It will pass...it is normal and really expected under the circumstances.

You'll get through this. Let time be your friend. Time doesn't make you forget, it makes it easier to remember. : )

I am sorry for your loss.

I got a note recently from Hospice saying that sometimes it's better to change the plans you've always had for the holidays. You can never replicate what you had, but you can make new traditions.

I hope this helps in some way.

take care sweetie,

Charlotte

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hi keyboardplayer,

BOY do I get your anger.......it just goes beyond anger actually .......just absolute rage as you say. I've always had a pretty bad temper but I rarely lost it and it was always over in seconds. When this hit me after losing my Dad, I had never in my life known any such feeling or emotion, I feel like everything inside me wants to just burst out.

I had it a lot more earlier on than I do now (10 months down the road) but I do still get it, it just bubbles up inside me, can come on out of the blue for "no" reason. A lot of the time it happens when I am in my car, definitely not the best time but I guess that's when I do a lot of thinking .......so I've screamed and screamed & roared in the car, nobody can hear .......there is a sense of getting something out when I do this, it is like pressure actually as you say, rippling through every single cell in your body and it needs a way out. The screaming does "help" me in a little way .............so often it does just end in tears for me.....I guess maybe because the reality is there is no true person to actually be angry with, the anger is because my Dad is not here, because he was taken away suddenly, my life was turned upside yet I have nobody to really blame, nobody to lash to, it's just the situation itself.

I also think it's just the complete and sheer lack of control. We can control pretty much everything else in life......to a certain extent you know...... but this we can do absolutely nothing about, no matter what we do we cannot change this so that definitely can bring a lot of anger.

I hope your piano is ok, obviously you like to play it so hopefully it's still in tact. Maybe like LD says, try a pillow, trying screaming, shouting roaring .......the one thing I know is that when I feel like this, I'm sure there's more damage to be done by burying it and not letting it out ......I have shouted and cursed at home .........thankfully my Mom knows it's not her, she doesn't get hurt or offended and really is actually "glad" that I don't keep it inside and she's told me many times to always make sure I just let it out.

I don't have a quick answer for you, all I know is that I hear you so so well.

Have you been able to do any work since tuesday .,.......you know what, if you got out of bed on such a bad day and had a shower, then kudos to you ....because that's a big deal, before all this, that was normal everyday thing you do without thinking ..........when something like this turns you entire life upside down and inside out , rips you heart apart........then getting out of bed and having a shower is a big deal so good on you.

Just know we are all here, and we can relate and we can share with you. None of us have any quick fixes, there just aren't any but knowing others can nod to what you write will hopefully just bring you some tiny comfort ........you're not going crazy and you're maybe not quite as alone as you might think,

BIG HUG to you (and your piano)

Niamh

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