My Fiance

[RIPKLAY]

June 20th 2005 . My fiance and I were having some tough times. he was a recovered heroine addict for three years. He had recently went to court to pay some traffic tickets and they put him in jail for that. Consequently he was kicked out of our nursing program and had to rejoin on the 6 of july, 2 days from now. He has a 3 year old son and on sunday we were bringing his son back to phoenix and he told me he was thinking of using again. All the time i had known him he hated drugs, I should have recognized this. While I was at school that monday, i kept calling with no answer. I got home and opened his door to find him dead on the floor. I screamed and kissed him and call the police but I knew he had been dead for sometime by the smell of his body. I cant ever forget the coldness of his skin. He was my life. My best friend. We had so many plans and he accidently overdosed on heroine. After 3 years clean. Now everything seems empty and dull. Ive been reading the bible a lot but i know it wont bring him back to me. I will have his son this friday for a few days and i cant wait for that.....i miss him

i need help

all these photos were taken in the week of his death except the last one. I cant beleive today is a 2 week death date aniversary of my best friend and my lover. my future. Also i found out I might be pregnant. I hope I am although that may be very selfish to hope...

[Nikki]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost the love of my life on Jan 13th 2005. I came home from work and found him on the floor-he had shot himself. I know the pain and horror of seeing someone you love more than life itself at their worst hour. He too was cold and stiff-I have a horrific picture burned into my mind. I have been able to get some relief though-I am going to share with you a very strange but vivid dream I had three days after this happened-I have not shared it with many people but I hope this may help you, the two of us were in a hotel room I did not recognize-he was sitting on the edge of the bed and he got up and walked across the room, the strange thing is I could still see him sitting on the edge of the bed with his back to me and the vision I saw walking across the room was transparent????? When I woke up after that dream my first thought was: that body I saw on the floor the night he killed himself, was not him(PHYSICALLY IT WAS, I AM NOT CRAZY), but he had died and left his body 3 hours before I found him. Sounds strange I know, but that dream really helped me. Also if you are not already seeing a grief counselor I highly reccomend it, or maybe someone from your church. The couselor that I started seeing was telling me about techniques that help people who have seen traumatic things-seeing the love of your life dead is definately one. My sweetheart and I were together for 6 years, he lost his job and his battle with alcoholism increased, we tried and tried but we could not stay together, he moved out of state to where his parents lived, we stayed in touch and he came back-he wanted to get help and he did-it was unsuccessful, he moved back to his parents. On my birthday in 2004 he called and asked me to fly out and see him, just a visit-two weeks later I moved all my stuff to the state he was in and I was hoping to find our happy ending/our beautiful new beginnig. After about two months I realized he was not going to stop drinking-he was now drinking vodka regularly and he was not at all abusive but very negative about life in general. I tried to make the best of it, thinking things were going to change anyday, he also told me he had done crystal meth a few times since he went back to the state he grew up in-he had a problem with it when he was younger-he said he had just done it a few times here and there recently-I think it was more than he admittied-I think he was on it when he did this-I have not asked his parents for the toxicology report-part of me wants to know-part of me does not. If I don't know for sure I can at least assume - assume he was too messed up to know what he was doing and hope and think it was not intentional. I will never know. The only thing I do know for sure is that he loved me very much and I love him-that is all I know 100%. We were toether a total of 8 years-I am 32 and still cannot believe this has happened. I know how fresh your pain is, sadly I do-please feel free to E-mail me, sometimes just knowing someone understand helps too. ncl_klsy@yahoo.com

Peace and hugs to you and his family and yours too!

Nikki

[Fiance61304]

Sorry to hear of your loss. I too have lost my fiance' on May 31st of this year 2005.

He made me watch. I didn't think he would do it. He had threaten so many times and he would always say

I'm too scared to do it. He did it this time. With me in the room. As horrific as this sounds, I put a

positive spend to this tragedy. I comment to people that he died with the person he loved the most, "ME" and the house he loved the most.

I've accessed this group because my therapist suggested that I go on-line and find a group.

My Life has changed for the rest of my life.

God Bless you all.

[kayc]

Wow, you have all had some tragic losses and had so much to deal with even before their passing away. I pray for you as you make your way through your journey. When someone kills themself, that doesn't always mean they wanted to be dead or wanted to leave you, sometimes it isn't even intentional...if they're on drugs, it distorts their perceptions and inhibitions enough to really mess them up. We have to realize that, for whatever reasons, they had a hard time here on earth and hope they are at last at peace. I hope you find some measure of comfort on this site, I know it has really been helpful to me. My husband had had a troubled life before we met and yet we were very happy together. We never dreamed a heart attack would claim his life so young, so unexpected. I find comfort in knowing that all of his struggles and pain are over and he is at last at rest, waiting for me to come join him, and one day I will. God bless each of you.

[Nikki]

kayc

Thank you for your thoughts. I am sorry to hear about your loss. George sounds like a wonderful man. I have "met' so many compassionate people here at this forum it is unfortunate that any of us have to be here. But it sounds like all of us have known great love and for that I am happy. Although the pain is unbearalbe some of the time(July 13 was the six month mark) I would not trade my life for anyone elses, even with the outcome as it is(of course I would change the outcome if I could). I know what real love is and for that I am so thankful. I don't know if what Joe did was intentional-there are many things I will never know-I have come to accept that-the only thing that gives me comfort is the fact that I know with 100% certainty that he loved me. My mom however really believes he did not do it on purpose because of the fact that he did it where I would be the one to find him-but like I said I will never know. His drinking and possible drug use was out of control-towards the end I felt like I was with a stranger I had never met?? I understand what you mean about the unresolved issue part-in the beginning between the guilt and regret I had a lot of unresolved issues to deal with, but what do I do with them I "talk to him" or pray and I really feel like he can hear me. Joe and I went through so many things together, now it is almost like we are going through his death together. The strength and love I received from him when he was alive is giving me strength to get through this-(most of the time). His death has given me a strong sense of the meaning of faith-faith believing in something without actual tangible proof-I believe with every bone in my body now and especially deep in my soul that he is doing well and he is at peace. I believe all of our loved ones that have passed on are at peace. We have all been blessed by love and that is a wonderful thing. Thank you again for your kind words. Nikki

[kayc]

It seems like you are doing what I have learned...actually, George is the one who taught me through his example, and that is to take the whole of the person into consideration and give grace to the other bit that you don't understand. It expecially helps me when there are unresolved things I can't ask about or get answers for.