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When I Am At My Lowest......


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I have certainly had my moments, my days where I just don't want to get off the couch. I allow myself to feel it all, to cry....sob when the grief is overwhelming, but after a bit I know I have to pull myself out of it, and this is how I do it.....

I imagine that the roles have been reversed. I imagine that I was the one who was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I imagine that I was the one who went into cardiac arrest and died and that Jeff was left to now navigate this world alone. What would I want for him? Would I want him to spend the rest of his life grieving for me? being miserable? Or would I want him to pick up the pieces and go on?

I know the answer to that question - I would want him to be happy. I know he would miss me tremendously, but I would want him to be able to smile, to be happy again.

And you know what? I know in my heart that Jeff is looking down on me wishing the same. Some days are easier than others....but on the days that I can't do it for myself, I do it for him.

Tammy

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Thanks for that Tammy. I needed that this morning. Today marks the third week since Clint's death and last night was terrible. I don't want to push away the tears, I know I must go through it, but sometimes I'm just sad and tears won't even come. I find that as the time rolls on, I tend to go over and over the last few months and wish I had known his illness was terminal. Since the hospital had discharged him just a few months ago with a 'clean bill of health' I assumed it was a deep depression that took his appetite and caused his weight loss. He was seen at least three more times and discharged with nothing more than a requisition for bloodwork and instructions for follow up care. There was never any indication of a serious illness. Imagine my shock and horror to find just two months later that he had stage IV cancer that was totally out of control and nothing could be done. I can't help but think of how I should have been cherishing each and every moment with him those last weeks, if only I'd known. I guess that's what hurts me most.

I, too, think in terms of reversing the situation and I know he would want me to go on because that was his outlook on life. He would hide his pain, as I'm sure he hid the pain of his cancer and he would push on. It's just so dark and empty. Even when I keep myself busy, it always comes back to the emptiness.

I am glad you shared today. Last night I cried for him, for us and for the fact I'll never feel his strong arms around me, ever again.

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Tammy, thank you for sharing and what a wonderfully healing coping strategy. I admire your srength and spirit. I totally relate to when you can't do it for yourself, you do it for Jeff. I myself do that as well. Another way that I find helpful is to imagine the love, the energy of "us" as a couple is now a root that transcends from me to Melissa and from Melissa back to me.

Thank you so much Tammy.

Blessings, Carol Ann

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Thanks Tammy. It's true, I would want my husband and kids to be happy, and he would wish the same for us. In fact one of the first things he said when we got the diagnosis was "What about my family?". I wish there was some way to be in touch with him - tell him I'm trying. I'll just have to keep working on it. It's a painful battle though.

On a "positive thing" note - I had three friends from work over for dinner last night. We sat up until two in the morning and I was actually able to join in the conversations and smile at the office gossip. I got teary only once, but they just listened to me and gave me a kleenex.

When they left, one of them said "You may not think you've made any progress, but we can see you're in a different place now than you were a month ago".

So hopefully things are moving forward, even if I feel like I'm stuck or moving backwards at times.

Melina

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wmjsca, thanks, I'm on my 5th week of losing Don. He had ITP, and while there's a possible chance that you'll have uncontrollable bleeding, no one dies from it. Except him. So we didn't expect him to die, I was kind of frustrated that day. We'd spent the day at the hospital as outpatient getting 2 units of blood to help his anemia. They saw nothing. He died from a massive head bleed just 5 hours later. I am thankful we didn't know, and thankful that after massive bleeding, he died instead of lingering in a vegetative state for months. I try to think that I'm sure he never knew that he was dying, just that something wasn't right. It helps me through the nights, days are OK because I work, but weekends are hard. We had almost 41 years together, but the last 10 were spent with his medical issues. Even though he had many, he was always happy, always accepting. I imagine if he had known that he was going to die, he would have accepted that too. Peace today and tonight for all of us.

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Tammy, you are an inspiration to us all.

Melina, yes, you are making strides, even when you don't see or feel it. :)

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Tammy, thank you for sharing these wise words. I so enjoy your posts, and I love the picture of you and Jeff. You are such a handsome couple. I know I would want Michael to be happy if I were the one gone, but it is so hard to be really happy without him. I know he would expect me to make a happy life, and I will try, but it will never be the same as I had with him.

And Melina, I can also see your progress. You have come a long way.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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