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Going To The Cemetery


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I read something that says excessive gravesite visits may be cause for concern. I don't know about that, but I haven't been since the funeral, so I'm planning my first trip tomorrow. The funeral was so stressful and there were just too many people around. They released two white doves that day, that part was so beautiful, although sad. I'm not sure what to expect.... I realize he's gone, the shock has subsided, but the sadness remains. I'm told the sadness slows everything down, freezes time so that your mind can absorb everything. I do feel as though I'm moving in slow motion; sometimes it's like I'm standing still, yet the day-to-day things get done, somehow. Three weeks ago I lost the love of my life to an illness I was totally unaware he had. Tomorrow I will visit his last resting place. Funny, he and I would visit his father's grave in that same cemetary every Memorial Day; now I'm visiting him instead. Life can really send you into a tailspin, that's for sure.

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I've come to find my (quite possibly excessive ;)) graveside visits very comforting, but the first few times brought fresh waves of grief as I realized, yet again, that he was really and truly gone from me. His family is buried there as well, and it's a lovely, serene place, only 10 minutes from my home. I'm there 2 or 3 times a week to meditate and tend the flowers. I see many of the same people there too, day after day. Gazing across the expanse of green lawns I wonder who they mourn, why they come ~ if, like me, they find some solace away from the house, away from the paperwork and endless chores. Ironically, away from daily grief and responsibility.

The first time may be difficult ~ it is, in it's own way, a fresh shock ~ and cemeteries are not comfortable for everyone. Many people prefer to remember their loved ones without such visits ~ I know my husband certainly never cared for them. But they can also soothe, and I hope in time, however often you choose to go, you will find peace. Especially tomorrow, you will be in my thoughts. Be gentle with yourself.

(( ))

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I don't have the option, as I had Scott taken back to Montreal to where his family is (mom, sister, etc) (we have been in Vancouver since 1993). Though we lived in Vancouver, I believe Montreal was truly his roots. His mom visits his grave usually every weekend, and I visit once every time I go back to visit. Scott didn't care for cemetaries either, as he never went to see his father's grave. When I go, I always feel sad, but in truth, it doesn't faze me much one way or the other. I will always go as I feel it is kind of like visiting 'him' and do feel the need to go, but I am surrounded by him everyday at home, I talk to him (though only sometimes out loud sleep.gif), and have found this to be enough.

I can totally relate to the slow motion. In those early months, I often felt like I was watching myself from outside my body, or was watching things from inside a plexiglass case. Very strange feeling.

Korina

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I didn't go on Saturday as I had planned because of the rain/sleet and the roads were messy (I hate driving, I miss him for that too since he loved to drive). I went today. The sun was shining and the roads were clear. There was snow on the ground and since it was the first time I'd gone, I had to find him. The grave is still fresh and hadn't been leveled; there's no headstone yet, either. I had never seen a grave without a headstone and it took me by surprise. It was basically a pile of dirt, covered in snow about the length of the coffin..It was a little eerie and very sad. I cried for him and for me. It was more emotional than I thought it would be. I was alone and it was very quiet. I could only hear my voice and the wind. I didn't want to leave, I felt guilty for having to go, I felt the same way when he died. I hated leaving the hospital room. Funny, it clouded over for a bit while I stood there, gazing at the grave. I started to leave and said goodbye until later and just then the sun peaked through the clouds and a ray of sun almost beamed down on me. I could swear it was him...but then maybe it was just my imagination. I do feel his spirit sometimes. I do believe he's with me, kind of watching over me. It gives me peace, but his absence remains quite painful.

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I think however many times we need to visit or not at all is perfectly ok. It is our journey and only we know what we need to do to accept our loss and redefine our life and accept having to find a different way of being in the world. I am glad that you feel his spirit at times. I understand how hard it was and you did it. You were alone physically, but we were all there with you in spirit and we all understand.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

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