I Don't Want To Go On, But I Have To.....

[wmjsca]

I really thought I was dealing with this pretty well. I am not in denial of his death. I know he's gone. This realization is what brings me down day after day. I have been crying all day, wondering what I did in my life to deserve this pain. I mean I was abused as a child and was fortunate enough to survive that. Why couldn't I be happy as an adult? This is a real slap in the face. After my horrible luck with men, I finally found a decent, good, kind man--and now he's gone. I thought I'd finally be happy. Not. It's just not meant for me to be happy. I only go on because I have a child and I don't want him to be without me or grow up feeling as though it was his fault that I bailed out. Stop the world and let me off.... That's the way I feel, but the world just keeps on turning and no one even cares that I'll never see Clint again....ever.... I can't stop crying today. I feel so worthless...so unimportant....so invisible. I don't mean to bring everybody down...I haven't given it much time yet. My world is just so dark right now. Each time I think I see the sun, I realize that he's gone.

[Dimcl]

How long were you and Clint together? I'm so sorry for how you're feeling. I guess I'm lucky... I'm still numb because Glenn's been gone less than 2 weeks. I can't imagine how much worse it will get, but I know it will.

I'll be presumptuous, because I don't know you, and say that you're not alone, if only because of your child. How old is your boy? Please tell me about him. That young person needs you and I know that sometimes, being needed also seems a burden, but please talk it out with us.

Di

[LostmyHoney]

I can relate to your feelings as I have had 2 abusive marriages. When I found my Honey online he was 3000 miles away and yet right there with me. I was SO taken with him, that when he told me he was sick, and the doctor told him he only had a year or so to live, I was devastated. I hardly knew the man but something about him…I feel that God had a big hand on my heart and he was drawing me to my Honey. I just had to go to him, and I did. I never knew a man could treat a woman SO good, so kind, considerate, caring, and gentle, even though I still had major defensive issues and it took a long time to break them down. I had more time with him than he thought but not as much as I had hoped. Even though I knew I would be the one to come out of our relationship alone, I still feel cheated in some way, and on the flip side I feel blessed for having had the little bit of time I did get.

You never knew that your time was limited and I can see many ways in which that would affect a relationship. We care that you will never see Clint again and we feel your sorrow, you are worthy, you are important, and even though we cant see you we know you are there !!!!

Hang in there !

Rachel

[kayc]

wmjsca,

How I can relate to you! I was abused as a child too...my mom is literally nuts, my dad was alcoholic (he passed away nearly 29 years ago). I've had six major relationships, only one was good (3 divorces, 2 broken engagements)...I'd waited a long time for him and we were so happy...and God took him. So I can totally relate!

It's not something we've done. It just is. Even when you play a game of cards, someone gets the sh_tty hand...I guess that's true in life too and we got it! But that doesn't mean that all of life will be bad, there's still a lot of years left and we really don't know what they hold. Just remember, when you're all the way down, there's nowhere to go but UP!

[wmjsca]

How long were you and Clint together? I'm so sorry for how you're feeling. I guess I'm lucky... I'm still numb because Glenn's been gone less than 2 weeks. I can't imagine how much worse it will get, but I know it will.

I'll be presumptuous, because I don't know you, and say that you're not alone, if only because of your child. How old is your boy? Please tell me about him. That young person needs you and I know that sometimes, being needed also seems a burden, but please talk it out with us.

Di

Clint and I were together six years as of September, 2010 and he died October 22, 2010. He had just turned 53 and I'm 52. My son is nine and was three when he came into our lives. I realize that my son needs me and I will be here for him, but now no one is here for me. I suppose that's selfish, but it is how I feel, especially today for some reason. He was a mailman and just retired in April with 31 years and whenever I see a mail truck or a mailman, I just break up inside. He was such a good person, it seems so unfair and was so very unexpected. Thanks.

[wmjsca]

I can relate to your feelings as I have had 2 abusive marriages. When I found my Honey online he was 3000 miles away and yet right there with me. I was SO taken with him, that when he told me he was sick, and the doctor told him he only had a year or so to live, I was devastated. I hardly knew the man but something about him…I feel that God had a big hand on my heart and he was drawing me to my Honey. I just had to go to him, and I did. I never knew a man could treat a woman SO good, so kind, considerate, caring, and gentle, even though I still had major defensive issues and it took a long time to break them down. I had more time with him than he thought but not as much as I had hoped. Even though I knew I would be the one to come out of our relationship alone, I still feel cheated in some way, and on the flip side I feel blessed for having had the little bit of time I did get.

You never knew that your time was limited and I can see many ways in which that would affect a relationship. We care that you will never see Clint again and we feel your sorrow, you are worthy, you are important, and even though we cant see you we know you are there !!!!

Hang in there !

Rachel

Thank you, Rachel.

I have found comfort, here. I appreciate your taking time to answer. It really hurts when at last someone comes along that treats you properly. He was such a gentleman. I mean, we had issues like everyone else, but we respected each other and never held grudges which made living with him such a pleasure. I miss him each and every day.

[wmjsca]

wmjsca,

How I can relate to you! I was abused as a child too...my mom is literally nuts, my dad was alcoholic (he passed away nearly 29 years ago). I've had six major relationships, only one was good (3 divorces, 2 broken engagements)...I'd waited a long time for him and we were so happy...and God took him. So I can totally relate!

It's not something we've done. It just is. Even when you play a game of cards, someone gets the sh_tty hand...I guess that's true in life too and we got it! But that doesn't mean that all of life will be bad, there's still a lot of years left and we really don't know what they hold. Just remember, when you're all the way down, there's nowhere to go but UP!

Kayc,

You know, my therapist says that issues in my past could seriously affect my adjustment to this tragedy. I already have abandonment issues, anyway. I suppose it's true, but all I know is that he was the kindest, most gentle human being I've ever had in a relationship. I didn't even realize people could actually get along without screaming at each other, plotting against each other and physical and emotional abuse. He never raised his voice and didn't stay angry about things....he taught me so much about not sweating the small stuff. I just knew he would be it for me. I was done..I had finally, finally found a good man. And I was 46. That was the most unbelieveable part about it. Now, at 52, I can pretty much hang it up, and through no fault of my own, here I am, alone, again. And I did all the right things this time....and for what? This hurts on so many different levels.

Thank you for posting. I suppose it will get better some day.

[LostmyHoney]

Wmjsca, I ask only one question and you dont have to answer it here just think about it...If you had known the out come of your time with Clint, befor you got to know him, would you have still been with him ?

Rachel

[Queeniemary]

Wow, Rachael, what a great question. I can only speak for myself, but even knowing the outcome, the grief and shock, I would not give up one minute of my life with Michael.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[wmjsca]

Wmjsca, I ask only one question and you dont have to answer it here just think about it...If you had known the out come of your time with Clint, befor you got to know him, would you have still been with him ?

Rachel

I would have been with him, regardless. We only had six years together and even if he'd been ill the entire time, it would have been worth my time, effort and love.

[kayc]

I don't even have to think about that, I wouldn't have missed my time with George for anything in the world! It was the best 6 1/2 years of my life!

"I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance!" (no can do)

[Dimcl]

Clint and I were together six years as of September, 2010 and he died October 22, 2010. He had just turned 53 and I'm 52. My son is nine and was three when he came into our lives. I realize that my son needs me and I will be here for him, but now no one is here for me. I suppose that's selfish, but it is how I feel, especially today for some reason. He was a mailman and just retired in April with 31 years and whenever I see a mail truck or a mailman, I just break up inside. He was such a good person, it seems so unfair and was so very unexpected. Thanks.

I'm very glad that you had those 6 wonderful years, wmjsca. As everyone else has noted, when you find "the one", you wouldn't trade any of it.

I like your use of the word "taught". Clint taught you that there was another way to have a relationship and that is a very valuable lesson.

Before my Glenn went into hospital, we talked and I told him that one of the things that I loved so much about him was that he had taught me so much. He was much less volatile than I and taught me more patience. He was less ready to fight and taught me more tolerance. He was such a hard worker and could do anything he set his mind to, and he taught me the value of persistence. One of his best lessons to me over the 33 years we were together was to teach me the value of moving on. Because of our age difference, his parents and brother died years ago and he dealt with it and moved on. When we left the city we'd been living in for 26 years (because I wanted to), he dealt with the fact that he loved our home there so much, yet he moved on to our new home here. He worked his butt off doing renovations and making it a loving home for us. He just moved on. That's the one thing I keep in the back of my mind - Glenn had dealt with many sadnesses and disappointments in his life (some caused by me)and still, he moved on. This gives me strength when I'm down.

Take solace in having your youngster to look after. I sometimes wish that I had someone more than myself to look after. No kids, no pets, just me and the memories.

I truly hope that your therapist is wrong. You know more now than you did before you met Clint. I'm sure that you're stronger for having had him in your life. Make a point of proving him wrong.

[wmjsca]

Dimcl:

Your're right. Clint was a lot like your Glenn, in that he was able to move on despite adversity. That was a valuable lesson. Also, he was much more patient with things than I; always advising me to calm down, take it easy, don't let it get you down. I do believe that the sadness will wane, it's just that the loss is permanent and it's hard, right now, to deal with it. He's everywhere in the house, I can't even pack his things. I keep finding items that still have his scent, knowing it won't last forever. It hurts so much that he's not here anymore. I lost my love and even more devastating, I lost my hope for our future together. We were supposed to grow old together...God, why did he have to die?

[Dimcl]

wmjsca,

You don't need to pack his things right now. I haven't touched a thing of Glenn's... it gives me a sense of "normalcy". That first day, a week and a half ago, a good friend came to be with me and I happened to mention how it was the small things that upset me - his shoes in the hall, his keys on the kitchen table. She meant well, but while my back was turned, she put his shoes away. I didn't flip my lid, but when I saw they were gone, I simply asked where they were and put them back where they BELONGED. Glenn's antiperspirant is still in the medicine cabinet and I smell it every morning when I get up because when he was alive, he'd give me a hug in the morning (along with my cup of tea)and that was part of his smell. His slippers are on the floor in the bedroom exactly where he took them off that morning before we went to the hospital for his surgery. The way I plan to deal with it at some point is to simply move them. Just a little, but to change "normal" gradually. I don't think there are any timelines and to heck with it if there is.

I don't know your grief, wmjsca, as you don't know mine, but I don't think life has a master plan. What we like to think "supposed to" means is just a joke. I think the fates get a kick out of knocking us nilly willy and then seeing what happens. I can only put on my most pugnacious attitude and say "To hell with you". I don't think I could function otherwise.

It's not fair, it's not right. I'm 56 with (hopefully) many more years in front of me. You're 52. What do we do with our lives? I could wallow in self-pity, but Glenn would be very disappointed in me. I could cry at every obstacle and challenge, but Glenn would just encourage me to work it through. It sounds like your Clint was much the same. I believe in the old adage, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

Please give that little fellow of yours a hug for me. How is he dealing with Clint's death? Is he okay? Children often internalize their feelings and your emotional state will effect him greatly.

My heart goes out to you.

Di

[kayc]

Di,

Your friend meant well, but she had no business touching his things. That is something we have to do ourselves in our own timetable and we're all different about how we handle it. Some get rid of everything immediately, some create a shrine, most of us fall somewhere inbetween...starting with the shrine, and then little by little dealing with stuff. I STILL have some of George's things out...my son has a lot of his stuff still here so it's not readily apparent to people when they come here, they don't know whose hat that is, etc. But the point is, it's OUR place to decide. If we want help with it, we'll ask for it.

[MartyT]

Di, your experience with your friend moving your beloved's shoes and keys without your permission reminded me of a post I read on Kelly Buckley's blog, Gratitude in Grief. She had an experience similar to yours. You'll find the post here: The Line in the Sand.

[wmjsca]

Hi Di,

I still keep all Clint's post office sweaters draped around chairs in the house and his shoes under one of those chairs just the way he left it when he went into the hospital on October 14. I can't seem to do anything else right now. I think it gives my son (as well as myself) comfort and a sense of normalcy, when things are anything but.

My little guy is acting out his anger by destroying his own things and is much more agitated than usual, I have been paying close attention to him. He hasn't said a lot, but then he's usually kind of tight lipped. We did talk about it and he said he is just so mad Clint is gone. And when he was alive, it's funny, but it seemed that Clint was tough with my son, but then men are different with boys. I used to think my son hated it, but he really misses the attention and care Clint took with him. They used to rough-house, and to have been in his early 50's, Clint was very athletic, which is why his death was such a shock. I told my son that it's ok to feel angry, but to find another way to express his anger. We are going to a family bereavement support group (right on time!) which is scheduled for this Tuesday at a Hospice center. Clint died within four days of his diagnosis, so didn't even get to Hospice, but they still offer services. My son was surprised that other kids will be there, I guess he thought he was alone. It is so much harder with a child to deal with as well as your own grief, but then I thank God for him, every day for helping me. He, too, is teaching me. Thank you for your concern!

[Dimcl]

My son was surprised that other kids will be there, I guess he thought he was alone.

I'm glad that you're taking your little fellow to a support group. Children are strange little creatures and because they really don't understand death, they often think that they've been deserted. It's an easy leap from that to thinking that they are somehow responsible. It makes no sense to us as adults, but children almost invariably think that bad things happening are their fault. Gently feel him out about that and make sure that he understands that he had nothing to do with it. I can almost guarantee that in the back of his mind, he thinks that maybe something he did or something he said caused all this grief.

In another thread, look how many of us have posted about guilty feelings we have. If we, as adults, can feel this way, knowing that we are being hard on ourselves, imagine how a child feels, without the reasoning abilities to get past it. I hope that the counselling will help, but the assurance, coming from you, that he is entirely blameless, will do wonders for him.

Let him be mad at Clint and don't try too hard to deflect that (unless he starts to get violent). We here all know that well-meaning friends trying to deflect our emotions are irritating as h*ll. Same goes for the little ones, too.

Di

[wmjsca]

Thank you, Dimcl!

I talked with my son before he went to bed and you were right, he did think he contributed to Clint's illness and death. I just never thought he would feel that way. He asked me was I just saying this to make him feel better, I told him that Clint's body was very sick and that it had nothing to do with him being 'bad'. It's amazing how children automatically assume they are to blame for adult situations. Thank you again.

[Dimcl]

I'm glad that you broached the subject with him, and that my hunch was right. The funny thing is that young children are very instinctive, and as a result, they kind of see themselves as the center of the universe. Not in an ego way, but in a self-preservation way. As a result, they seem to think that everything that happens around them is somehow their responsibility/fault. Gee, I might have made a good Mom!

I'm very happy that you've opened the door for your little guy. Let's hope that his anger lessens now that he can think that he wasn't to blame. Just keep reinforcing that with him for a while, once in a while.

I'm glad I could help a little.

Di