My Grief Made Someone Else Sad?

[Perkins808]

So today was a rough day for me. I finally sold Jeff's truck. I hadn't driven it since the "unregistered vehicle" incident and knew it needed to go. I waited til the very last minute to even clean everything of his out of it......his favorite sunglasses, the watch he had strapped to his visor. When the guy came to pick it up, I just asked that he wait until I went in the house and closed the door before he drove it away. Jeff and I had this routine.....EVERY single time he left the house I would walk him to the door, give him a kiss goodbye and then wait in the door until he drove away. I would blow him a kiss and wave until I couldn't see him anymore. Every single time.

I cried like a baby. I sent my girlfriend a text message and told her about it and her response was that I should think of all the happy memories every time I see a truck like his. My response to her was this - My heart still skips abeat everytime I see a truck like Jeff's, like it always did - but then I remember he can't possibly be in it.

Her next text to me was this - Wow, you just made me really sad.

Does anyone else feel like they have run out of friends to share their grief with? I refuse to feel guilty for experiencing the grief that comes with losing the person who meant the most to me!!

Deep breath......tomorrow will be a better day.

[Billw]

I know exactly where you are, I think some of my friends are ready for me to move on. I just am having a rough time right now. It will be 7 months on the 29th.

I feel better for short periods of time and then it hits me again.

This is probably the most lonely time I have spent yet. I feel lonely in a crowded room.

In the middle of the loneliness I don't want people around? Explain that one. I feel like I've worn my friends out with my grief.

I feel guilty talking about it at times. I don't know what to feel or say anymore. If you find an answer let me know.

This will all look different tomorrow, take care.....BW

[Dimcl]

It's too soon for me to have bored my friends yet (I hope!), but I tend to hold back, to not want to bother them with my grief. I know that they would willingly listen and sympathize, but I just can't seem to unburden myself.

It's been less than 2 weeks and it even hurts just to look at Glenn's car. He had a junky old 1995 Ford Escort hatchback that he only used to haul trash to the dump or to run errands around town (we always took my car when going anywhere together), but I have only been able to go into the glove compartment to remove his insurance papers. The idea of cleaning that car out just gives me the horrors.

Glenn and I had one of those routines, too. Whenever one of us drove away, the other always stood in the window and waved. It was almost a superstition, like if we didn't do it, something bad would happen. Now, when I go out, I still wave when I drive away.

Glenn's car wouldn't fetch $400.00 if I tried to sell it, but I haven't had the gumption to cancel his insurance and license. I guess I'll just have the car junked when it comes time, but the very thought leaves me stricken. He loved that old beater. I tried for years to get him to buy a new car but he always said that since we went everywhere "important" in my car, there was no point.

I guess I just think that my friends wouldn't understand, so I don't tell them this kind of thing. Part of the problem is that all of my friends think of me as strong and they look to me for that. I guess that crying on their shoulders would be a big disillusionment.

I'm sorry that it was a rough day for you. I can't imagine what you went through. I guess I still have to find out.

[Lindakay]

I have two cars bought new in 2002. They are Toyota RAV s. One black and fancier and one blue. I use the blue to put miles on work and back. The other has half the miles on it. He committed suicide in the black. It's pristine and he did not ruin the car. It was the car I bought for me with my inheritance from my mom who died late 2001. So it has mixed memories. I talk to him in that car when I drive it. I drove it to a charity bake sale last night at work. Putting my phone and card case in the console I saw his hankerchief he'd always have. Cleaned his sun glasses with it. I bought him whimsey ones. It was the Tazmanian Devil cartoon one. When I saw it...it was on the seat on the passenger side. I hadn't taken it out. Car is always locked. Guess it was a message from my Scott. I don't want to clean the car completely out either. I guess I have only one of my friends that I can share grief memories with. The others I spare. LindaKay

[melina]

I don't talk about my husband with friends. I do mention my grief, but only to a couple of friends. They seem sympathetic, but at the same time I think they're impatient for me to move on. They keep suggesting activities and things to keep me occupied. I know they mean well, but I just don't have the energy or good enough mood to participate. I feel lonely with other people.

Whenever my sister and brother write me e-mails asking how I'm doing - which is rare these days - then I tell them exactly how I am doing. That's probably why they rarely contact me. I usually reply that I'm grieving. I don't think they want to hear it anymore.

Melina

[melina]

Actually, I even feel a little guilty about posting sad and depressing things here. I feel that at three months I should be lifting other peoples spirits rather than preying on their sympathy. But that's why we have the forum - right? (Tell me I'm right).

Melina

[LostmyHoney]

Melina,

I feel you are right!

There is a guy where I work who for some reason seems to tear up at the very sight of me. I dont know if I imagine it or not but all he ever says when I mention my Honey is he hates it for me. He must be a very sensitive soul...

As for my Honeys truck... I cant even imagine letting it go.

Rachel

[wmjsca]

Actually, I even feel a little guilty about posting sad and depressing things here. I feel that at three months I should be lifting other peoples spirits rather than preying on their sympathy. But that's why we have the forum - right? (Tell me I'm right).

Melina

It hasn't been a month yet and I hardly get any calls anymore, compared to the phone constantly ringing while he was in the hospital. I have one friend I talk with, but the others have gone on with their lives and treat this as merely another 'bump in the road' for me, thinking that by now I'm ready to move on with life.

I function with the day-to-day things because if I didn't, nothing would get done and we all know life does proceed regardless of our grief. That doesn't mean that my grieving has ended, although I think people might believe otherwise. Unless someone loses their love, they can't identify. It's different losing other people when you still have your love beside you. Life just isn't the same and we have to actually create an existence with this huge hole in our lives.

When I do get calls, I try to not even mention how I truly feel--I get the impression they're tired of hearing it. I have a therapist and I'm going to begin bereavement counseling soon. I'll use those as sounding boards.

As far as making someone else sad? Well, yes, I suppose that's true. My friend says it makes her sad, too. But, remember, we didn't ask for this sadness and we have to face it head-on each day.

[Cheryl]

Well meaing friends think that if we just think happy thoughts then we won't be sad anymore. A good therapist will tell you the opposite. Feeling EVERY painful event is what reduces the pain. Replacing the pain with a happy memory is denying the loss. There is a time for happy memories and a time for expressing loss. This doesn't mean we will never be happy again. It just means we must feel the pain to get through the pain. I have cried about all my losses and eventually it brought me relief. The constant pain is gone, replaced by hope and soft sadness.

I don't think we can expect people to understand the process. At least I've given up trying to explain it!

I have two friends that I can share everything with and they are willing to listen to it all without really telling me anything in return. The rest I try to just smile at and say, "Life is an everyday struggle, but I'm doing the best I can!"

[wmjsca]

Well meaing friends think that if we just think happy thoughts then we won't be sad anymore. A good therapist will tell you the opposite. Feeling EVERY painful event is what reduces the pain. Replacing the pain with a happy memory is denying the loss. There is a time for happy memories and a time for expressing loss. This doesn't mean we will never be happy again. It just means we must feel the pain to get through the pain. I have cried about all my losses and eventually it brought me relief. The constant pain is gone, replaced by hope and soft sadness.

I don't think we can expect people to understand the process. At least I've given up trying to explain it!

I have two friends that I can share everything with and they are willing to listen to it all without really telling me anything in return. The rest I try to just smile at and say, "Life is an everyday struggle, but I'm doing the best I can!"

Exactly.

[kayc]

Maybe her being sad wasn't really a bad thing! Maybe it was a good thing. It's good to see things from another's perspective, to walk a bit in their shoes. It's good for her to know just what it is you feel each and every moment of your life. Her life is not immune...she could lose her husband or someone she loves at any given moment...most of us didn't get warning or see it coming, we just got hit with it. Death is a fact of life that people don't want to think about...but that doesn't alter it's coming, and it doesn't mean we don't have to deal with it when it does come.

Congratulations on selling his truck, that was a very hard thing to do. I remember all too well cleaning out George's car to sell and cleaning out his trailer to get rid of it...it was very very hard. But you did it, I'm proud of you.

[Queeniemary]

Actually, I even feel a little guilty about posting sad and depressing things here. I feel that at three months I should be lifting other peoples spirits rather than preying on their sympathy. But that's why we have the forum - right? (Tell me I'm right).

Melina

Melina, I believe that you are exactly right, this forum, in my opinion, was not created to uplift necessarily, although that does happen. For me this forum has been a place that I can say exactly how I feel, either good or bad, and people will understand. It helps me to read the posts, and know that the people here understand, and are experiencing the same struggles that I am experiencing. It is wonderful to have such a place to come to. We are all making this journey, we are at different places in the journey, and that is what helps me.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[abergsma]

Actually, I even feel a little guilty about posting sad and depressing things here. I feel that at three months I should be lifting other peoples spirits rather than preying on their sympathy. But that's why we have the forum - right? (Tell me I'm right).

Melina

You are definetly right...that is what the forum is about..

This is the place that we all understand and grieving is what we are all doing!!

Hugs

Allana

[abergsma]

I feel the same with my friends...I hesitate to say anything because I don't want the glares...

My best friend never once asked me and that truly hurts. She is very hidden with her emotions and I do try to remember that but it still hurts.