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Despair Transformed Into Determination


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I am wanting to give you all an update and let you know that the despair I was reluctant to admitt that I was feeling has been transformed into determination. I was taken aback to being in the throws of weeping over the least little thing. I was worried I had taken not just a step backwards in this journey but a HUGE GIANT leap! The emotional pain was excruiating! I was missing Melissa so much, needing her so much, facing my health issues, my progressive hearing loss, my financial woes. I found myself actually waking up feeling frightened and not knowing why, and actually got up and went looking for Melissa. I thought I was going crazy, it has been almost 7 years. I have been thinking on my own longevity of late due to my health issues. I think everything just came to the surface all at once and overwhelmed me. My therapist says that it is quite common to feel despair before the final stage of acceptance. Perhaps I did not take a HUGE GIANT leap backwards. Perhaps I took a GIANT LEAP forwards. In any event, I am grateful that I am looking at the past while as positive rather than negative now.

Another thing that I have found very helpful the last few days is I have been in contact with my work and a rehab specialist and I will be going back to work half days starting next week. I am thrilled about this as I miss my work terribly. I am a Pharmacy Technician/Diabetes Educator and I had not realized it really until my therapist made me aware that not being able to work the last while was an additional loss for me.

I am going to put up our (Melissa and me) Christmas tree tomorrow and I am looking forward to it. I feel nothing but warmth and comfort in doing so. Tears may come, but that only means more healing.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

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Carol Ann,

Such positive energy just as our loved ones would have wanted I'm sure....I find encouragement in your thoughts concerning

Christmas as this will be my first without Ruth, I do have a new found friend who has been thru it so that's going to help, this will be her second year....keep healing....

NATS

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Carol Ann,

I'm so glad you've been able to start looking forward, and that your therapy is helping. Hearing about the strength of others here gives me more strength. I still feel despair and panic, but am working hard to not let myself give in to it as much.

My grief counselor has reminded me that sometimes the grief we feel from our loss is not just grief from this specific loss - but from a host of other things as well - other losses and also emotional baggage we haven't worked through. Knowing this doesn't make losing my husband any less painful for me, but I understand a little more about my feelings.

Thanks for your uplifting message, and keep up the good work!

Melina

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Thank you all for responding to my post. I have some thoughts that I want to share but I need to go now to a medical appointment and I will log on later after my tree is up....smile.gif

Thank you so much.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

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Tammy, you are so welcome. It warms my heart that you have gained some motivation from my sharing. Hugs to you too.

Nats, thank you for letting me know that my thoughts concerning Christmas have left you feeling encouraged.

Melina, I agree with your grief counsellor. You are welcome. It warms my heart that my uplifting message has touched you.

Again, thank you all so much.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

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