Putting Loved One's Things Away

[Dimcl]

It's just over 3 weeks and I haven't touched any of Glenn's things. His slippers are still on the bedroom floor right where he took them off. His keys and gardening gloves and ball cap are still on the kitchen table, his loose change and "knick knacks" still on his bedroom dresser. Their visibility provides me with some comfort, but they're also very painful and I'm wondering if it's too soon to start putting them away. I mostly don't want to because I don't want to remove evidence of my darling man, but seeing them hurts a lot. When I do plan on removing things, I plan to do it one at a time ie. don't do a clean sweep all at once.

Could anyone tell me what kind of timeline they experienced and whether I'm thinking about this far too soon? I know that we're all different but the comfort/hurt thing when I look at them is very confusing.

[susavi]

It has been 4 months for me and my husbands watch is where he left it when he went into the hospital and all his clothes are right where he left them along with his baseball hats still hanging behind the back door I have not moved a thing and I am not ready to do anything yet my counselor said everyone does this in their own time and you will know when you are ready.

[wmjsca]

It's been a month and a day for me. I moved his large selection of shoes into our walk-in closet, but everything else is where it was the day before he went to the hospital, even his side of the medicine chest. I had washed his clothes while he was there, not realizing he would never come home. I wish I'd kept more of his worn things, but he kept asking over and over "did you wash yet?". So I did. I gathered some of his knick knacks and placed them in a huge plastic container so that my son wouldn't get them and potentially lose something.

I'm told there's no timeline for this task. It is only done when you feel you're ready.

[Perkins808]

It's been 4 months since my husband Jeff died - the only things I have really touched are special things that I picked out for his girls to have. His toothbrush still sits next to mine, his work boots are still on the rack in the hallway and his keys are still on the island in the kitchen. I haven't touched any of his clothes in his dresser or in our closet.

I know I will not keep his things forever, but I'm not in any rush to get rid of anything or even to move things.

I think it is a matter of preference. If it hurts too much to have things around then put them away. If it is comforting to have things out, then leave them out. Personally, even if I put Jeff's things away I would still look at maybe the spot where he kept his keys and even if they weren't actually there, I'd be thinking that is where they are supposed to be?!

My only suggestion would be to not do anything that can't be undone......emotions are so unpredictable right now and just because you're ok not having something around today, it doesn't mean you won't be wishing you had it back tomorrow.

Hugs,

Tammy

[Guest NancyL]

It's been almost two months since Don died. I cleaned house before the funeral, doing the laundry and putting it away in the closet. I disposed of his meds at the same time, and moved his shave things to the linen cabinet. And I immediately removed his wheelchairs from the living and bedroom areas. For me, it was too painful to see his things. Throughout the last 10 years, he had been in and out of the hospital a dozen times, sometimes gone for days to weeks, so by seeing his things, I would always be thinking he would be coming home again soon. Everyone needs to be comfortable with what they do, however, I sat down and thought long and hard about how I wanted to go on with my life. I could either surround myself in grief and live everyday in sorrow, or I could go back into the world and learn to be happy again. Being sad is too hard, so I'm choosing to be happy.

[Lainey]

I had to make a room for me so I changed his computer room to my scrapping room, brought my computer in and got rid of his. At first it was hard being in the room but if I wanted to be on the computer I had to be there. I got rid of most of the clothes immediately, he would have wanted people in need to have them. As for the rest, most of it is gone. The most important things are in his dresser drawers or displayed throughout the house.I think we all do it at our own pace, there is no right or wrong time.

I envy you Nancy, that you are able to choose to be happy. You are right, being sad is very hard. I'd describe myself as happy also,but am having a hard time finding much to be happy about.

I am not looking forward to the Christmas season, last year is a blur. I am slowly getting a few things out(mostly for the g/babies) and they can decorate the tree. They say crying is healing for us, I think I should be healed fairly soon if today was any indication. The tears began as I started with the Santas and didn't stop until I was finished.

Lainey

[Dimcl]

Thank you all for your replies. Tammy, I think you nailed it on the head for me when you said, "Personally, even if I put Jeff's things away I would still look at maybe the spot where he kept his keys and even if they weren't actually there, I'd be thinking that is where they are supposed to be?!"

I just have this huge fear that if I change anything, the "un-normalness" of it would be too much to deal with. I am so looking for normality right now. I guess my love's things stay where they are for the moment.

[melina]

It's been nearly four months since my husband died. I moved his clothes in the bedroom closet to the bottom shelf, so I'd have room for some sheets and pillow cases, but apart from that I haven't done anything except take all his medications to the hospital pharmacy.

His jackets, shoes etc. are still in the hall closet. Some of those things, along with his electric shaver etc, our sons can use. But other stuff he had (apart from clothing) was shared stuff that I also use.

I think, as you said, just taking one thing at a time is best. A friend offered to help me clear out the closets, but I don't want anyone else touching his clothes except me. I suppose sooner or later I will have to remove his clothes, and also empty the bag from the hospital, but I have to feel ready. Getting rid of his medications was one step, moving the clothes to one shelf was another step. I still have a whole staircase full of steps I need to take until this process is finished.

Melina

[kayc]

Well it's been 5 1/2 years so most of the things have been moved, but there are still a couple of things laying around, like the dish he used to throw his odds and ends and keys into. I didn't do a clean sweep, I think I dealt with things little by little and followed my own timetable with it. I remember his closet rod broke shortly after he died so I folded and boxed up his clothing for donation, but I didn't let go of everything, I still have his robe and fishing vest and hat, and the Norwegian vest he was so proud of and wore to church, a few sweaters, he was a dresser. When I feel a need to, I go look at those things and maybe hold them. They seem part of him. But I didn't feel the need to hang onto each and every item, he had a lot of clothes. I still have his pocketknife, his pocketwatch, stuff like that, although I donated his wallet along with his clothing and shoes. I donated to Sponsors, an organization he believed in and dear to his heart.

I went through his CDs after a few months, with the intention of listening to all of them, to try to figure out why he picked this one, what was it he listened to in it, etc. He had a lot of CDs because he commuted. But George had eclectic taste, some I liked, some I couldn't stand, a little bit much for me. So after trying, and finding I just couldn't tolerate some of it, I gave the ones I didn't care for away. I figured at least I'd attempted to understand.

It was about six months when I got rid of his toiletries, he had a lot of different colognes/after shaves, and I boxed them up for a White Elephant so they wouldn't be just thrown away, and I remember watching someone open them and were happy to get them. At first I couldn't move them but then after a while I discovered it was too painful to see them there. It's an individual thing, you have to do what's right for you in your heart.

His car I had to clean out and sell right away to pay on hospital bills, but it was hard. Much harder was cleaning out his trailer, which I did right away and believe me I wasn't ready. I had wanted to give it to the man that sold George's car for me, he'd gone to a lot of effort and I wanted him to be able to use the trailer that summer for his family, but believe me, it was way too premature for me to have to go through his things...this was not just a camping trailer, it was what he stayed in during the week (his commuting took it's toll so the last year he went to staying near his job) so everything in the trailer was totally him, his stuff, his taste, you could feel him in there, it was agonizing cleaning it out. Looking back I never should have attempted it so soon, I should have waited at least a year, I can't even tell you how gutwrenching it was.

Listen to your heart and if you don't feel like going through something, don't, wait until it's time.

[wmjsca]

Thank you all for your replies. Tammy, I think you nailed it on the head for me when you said, "Personally, even if I put Jeff's things away I would still look at maybe the spot where he kept his keys and even if they weren't actually there, I'd be thinking that is where they are supposed to be?!"

I just have this huge fear that if I change anything, the "un-normalness" of it would be too much to deal with. I am so looking for normality right now. I guess my love's things stay where they are for the moment.

I agree. I'm leaving Clint's things for now. I'll deal with it when I'm ready.

[sunstreet]

I think it is entirely OK to do what feels right for us to do. The timeline will be different for all of us I believe as our life experiences are different. For me, I still wear Melissa's flannel pyjamas as it brings me comfort. Melissa had her master's degree in social work and counselled young single teen Mom's and Melissa dressed to the nines for work. I just not that long ago went through all her clothes that I had boxed and put in storage and donated them all to an organization called Dress for Success. I did not have to deal with a vehicle as Melissa used only transit, but I have her transit pass long since expired hanging on my key chain. I was and am the one with a car.

My thinking is to do whatever brings us comfort and helps us find strength and motivation to keep going.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[elb]

It has been 8 years-- haven't moved a single one of my brother's things. It's a bit Miss Havisham, I understand that, but I just refuse to do it. It may stay like that until I die. I don't know but I am not going to be the one to even move the blanket on his bed...everything is exactly the same as the day he passed. For those of you who were able to handle it I am in awe of you, you's stronger than me...