How Can I Help?

[Ahna215]

I'm new to this forum and website, but I don't know who else to turn to! My step-father passed away on June 8, 2005 at 1130pm. I haven't been able to grieve myself, because I've been trying to keep my mom from falling apart. I feel so guilty at times, because she gave me his cell phone and she calls me non-stop day and night. I don't know how to cope with this and help her with the grief she's going through. I've tried mentioning support groups in our Florida area, but she will not talk to strangers. I work at a hospital as an RN and have been counceled many times reguarding how often my mom calls at work. I need some advice and help. I have not been able to take time and cry yet. There never seems to be any time for me to do this with family ( 3 kids and my dad lives with me), work, and my mom calling every 30 to 60 minutes a day at times. I know she needs someone to talk to, especially anyone who has suffered the loss of a spouse . I read some of the topics here and asked that she would just take a look. Any advice on how to help her and what to say/ do will be greatful. She becomes hysterical with grief over the little things---I having difficulty with this. I just want to be a good daughter and get her through this. Please help, Ahna

["princess"]

Ahna,

I hate to tell you this but you may be the only person she feels comfortable breaking down with. I know it is a major ordeal especially since you have not broken down yourself but she needs you more than anything. If I were you I would set some time for yourself, even if it is only 15-30 minutes a day to handle your grief and recharge. If it had not been for my sisters, I would hate to think what emotional state I would be in. It is hard to completely break down and let go with people you don't know. Tell her to come to this chat room and write down her feelings but strangers do not fulfill the emptiness that she has nor are able share her memories, only those who knew him and loved him. It has been 4 months today that I lost my husband and I am still afraid to lean on anyone except my sisters. I know it is an emotional toll on them but thanks to them I am able to laugh at times. She is having to find her way again and she needs someone to be her legs. Please be patient with her and just love her. Her world has just ended as she knows it and it will never go back to what it was. I know you know all of this but it is so true that in just one instance your life can be changed forever. Please tell me her name so I can pray for her.

Beth

[kayc]

I just read your message. I am so sorry for you and your mother's loss. Please encourage her to go on line and express her feelings...she can be as anonymous as she wants and yet still receive support from the rest of us. We are people who have also suffered the loss of our spouse and uncerstand the immense pain she is feeling. Please don't be afraid to let her know that you can't have calls at work...she would not want you to lose your job. She will need regular time spent with her, but you need to also make sure you are there for your own family...and for yourself. You can't help your mom if you don't first take care of your own self. She is very fortunate to have such a caring daughter. Sometimes when one's pain is so great it is hard to see anything else. I do not know your mother's name, but I will pray for her. This is undoubtedly the toughest time she's ever gone through. It is something that we must face every day of our lives, it's never done with, it is rather something we must learn to live with and accept, whether we want to or not. God be with you and your mom and help you through this time.