Queeniemary Posted December 3, 2010 Report Share Posted December 3, 2010 I am having such mixed emotions, and feel so guilty over them. My good friend Dana, who lost her husband 20 months ago, is suddenly and unexpectedly (for her as well) in a relationship. I am happy for her, but also feeling sad that I may not have the close relationship with her that I have had because of the new relationship. He seems like a great guy, and she says he makes her less sad. Up until a couple of weeks ago she said she could never be serious about anyone, but now she is in this relationship. How can I not be happy totally for her. Am I jealous? Maybe a little. Am I afraid our relationship will change. Yes, a lot. She has been such a rock for me these past 10 months. Dana and I went to a play at the Lyric last night. She told me he was going to join us. I felt like a third wheel for part of the time. I don't think it was deliberate on their part, they are just pretty wrapped up in each other. I guess I wanted a night out with Dana on my own, and did not want to share. I feel so petty, and mean. I really like the guy, his name is same as my husbands, Michael. Why can't I just be very very happy for her, instead of thinking about myself? I hope I get over this feeling soon. We have our little support group, Dana, myself, and our friend Tom....is this relationship going to mess up our group, will Dana still feel the need for our little group....so many questions, and no answers. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perkins808 Posted December 3, 2010 Report Share Posted December 3, 2010 Hi Mary, I think all of your feelings are completely justified......it is another "change" that you are now dealing with, and I think we can all agree that when your life is turned upside down with the loss of a loved one, every change is monumental. My only thought is to not get too far ahead of yourself in your thinking - try to enjoy the time that you do have with your friend without dwelling too much on what changes may happen in the future. I know, easier said than done....but it's worth a shot? Hugs, Tammy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wmjsca Posted December 3, 2010 Report Share Posted December 3, 2010 Hi Mary, I can totally relate. We who have lost so much are very sensitive to changes--especially additional losses and your relationship with your friend will definitely change. Another loss. But, have faith. Just as we will never forget our lost loves, she's not likely to abandon you, either; for she and you went through a very difficult time for both of you. She's going to be in the throes of the new relationship which will occupy more time than you're accustomed to, but I believe she'll be available for you, as well. You might want to discuss your feelings with her; she probably is oblivious to anything except her new love interest right now, which is good for her, too, I'm sure. Good luck and try not to envy her happiness too much; a little is expected, but I feel that if ever I am blessed with another relationship, I'd hope my friends would be happy for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted December 3, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 3, 2010 Thank you ladies, you are both so right....it is the change that is bothering me. I truly do want Dana to be happy. I will just have to deal with this. I know that she won't abandon me, but as you both said, there will be changes. I just want to be happy for her, and will try, Tammy, not to look too far into the future. I knew I could get good advice here, there is just no one at home that I can talk to this about. I don't think I can even talk to Dana yet, I don't want her to feel bad for me. Wmjsca, I also would want my friends to be happy should I ever have a new relationship. I cannot fathom that now, but who knows how I will feel in another year. Thank you, now off to work! Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 3, 2010 Report Share Posted December 3, 2010 Mary, From nothing to a relationship in two weeks? That's pretty fast! I hope it works out for her. Your relationship need not fall by the way...she will split up her time undoubtedly but she'll likely still make time for you. Mixed emotions are understandable, any change is an adjustment! (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted December 3, 2010 Report Share Posted December 3, 2010 Mary, I understand your feelings, even though I have no widowed friends here. I have a friend who constantly asks me to join her and her husband for dinner or out to the movies. I always say no because it feels weird being the third wheel when I'm used to being half of a couple. It's not strange that you're feeling out of place when a close friend, experiencing the same thing as you, suddenly goes on to becoming part of a couple again. You mentioned envy, and I was wondering - could you be nearing the point where you're starting to think about a new relationship? I'm not saying you're ready to dive in, but maybe you've gotten far enough in the grieving process that you can consider it as an option. If so, that could be an important sign of healing. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wmjsca Posted December 4, 2010 Report Share Posted December 4, 2010 That's a good point, Melina. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest NancyL Posted December 4, 2010 Report Share Posted December 4, 2010 Mary, I too understand your feelings. Your friend has filled the companion part of your life since the loss of your husband. And of course it's normal to be envious of her having someone in her life again, when you want that happy feeling again also. I can only say I'm sorry. It hurts. And it's OK to feel bummed out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted December 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 4, 2010 I do think the relationship has happened pretty fast, but my friend is also thinking this also. She is a pretty level headed lady, and I think she won't let it overrun her. As for the envy part, yes I probably am feeling that. I don't really know if I am ready for any kind of relationship, but I sure do get lonely. This is small town, so options are not big anyway. With so much change this past 10 months, I just don't want anything else to change. Selfish on my part. That is the way of life however, changing all the time, and I just have to accept it. I truly am happy for Dana, just wish I did not have these other feelings. I will get through them, we have all gotten through much worse, haven't we? Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted December 4, 2010 Report Share Posted December 4, 2010 Mary, I think envy and bitterness are two of my worst enemies right now. I have a few good friends around here, but all are happily married. Losing my husband has not only made me grieve for him, but also for the person I used to be and the relationships I once had. There is a kind of divide between me and my friends now. They want to continue hanging out with me, but don't understand that I feel different. I don't want to hear about their husbandy-lives - or see them together with their husbands. I like their husbands, but it's different now that I no longer have mine. It's hard to explain - but maybe people here understand. I feel petty and bitter and envious. I didn't use to be like that. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wmjsca Posted December 5, 2010 Report Share Posted December 5, 2010 I do understand, Melina. That's where I am. I am having very hard time with it, to the point I really don't want to go anywhere because I'll be faced with the dilemma of hearing about normal lives involving couples with husbands or partners. I was never this way, either, but then I've never lost anyone like this before. People are quick to say 'get over it' and I suppose it is easier to say that when your SPOUSE/PARTNER is alive and well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest NancyL Posted December 5, 2010 Report Share Posted December 5, 2010 Maybe it's different for me, but most of my friends are my work friends (I've been with the company since 1966). My supervisor is a guy who divorced 15 years ago, and doesn't date (I think). My co-worker has never been married, or dates. Several others in the office (older) are single, two of our part time seasonal staff are widows of many years. I have lots of people with similar lives around me so it's a good mix. Even our human resource officer who recently lost her mother sent me a lovely e-mail asking how I was doing this time of the year. When I replied that I was doing OK, and told her how hard it must be for her also, she said she understood, but a loss of an elderly parent was still different (& in some ways easier) than a spouse. Then she ended with anytime I needed to talk, come see her. It struck me that she understood. Try to look for the signs from people that they really do understand, but don't be so disappointed if you don't see them now. Everyone is so busy with the commercial aspect of Christmas, they don't have time to slow down and really look around them. If you can today, do something for me, send a smile my way. I'll be sending you one back. Nancy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wmjsca Posted December 5, 2010 Report Share Posted December 5, 2010 Sending you a smile, Nancy...I feel a little better now! Thanks.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted December 5, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2010 Smile coming your way NancyL. It is so great to have the people on this site to talk to....you all understand. That is a great gift for me, and I am smiling. Worked real hard today and yesterday, getting ready for the caroling rehearsal here at my house this afternoon. Mexican casserole and Chili Rellanos are in the ref, ready to pop in oven, two apple cream pies baked, house clean, and semi decorated (small table top tree) Cats are banished to back bedroom (don't want cat hair in food) and house smells good. My Corgi girls will be underfoot, but all my friends are dog lovers. As a matter of fact, Dana will probably bring her Pug...my girls love him! This is first time I have really entertained since Mike died. I am relaxing now, with a sandwich (and a little glass of wine...I deserve it!!!) All good friends coming tonight....including Dana and her new relationship. (they will be playing guitar and fiddle for the rehearsal) He knows how close Dana and I are, and he really is nice to me! haha. Truly I am sort of looking forward to tonight, these are good people, they love me, and they loved Michael. I will have a good time tonight, and all will think I am doing real well, only you guys and Dana will know the truth....that at times like tonight I miss Michael more than ever. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostmyHoney Posted December 5, 2010 Report Share Posted December 5, 2010 Mary, Sounds like your positive attitude has already allowed you to have a good time with the preparations. I am so very happy for you ! Hugs to you ! Rachel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest NancyL Posted December 5, 2010 Report Share Posted December 5, 2010 Thanks for the smiles. Since I didn't know when someone might send me a smile, I spent the entire day smiling, so as not to miss sending one back. Mary, hope you have a wonderful time tonight with your friends. I see you put a lot of effort and time into making it a nice get together. My hat's off to you for going forward in life. I bet your Michael is smiling at you also. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wmjsca Posted December 6, 2010 Report Share Posted December 6, 2010 Mary, I am happy you have something positive to look forward to! I am hopeful, that in time, I will find something that gives me joy that I can anticipate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted December 6, 2010 Report Share Posted December 6, 2010 I am so sorry that you are struggling with this change. I encourage you to let go of the guilt. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are, and you have a right to feel as you do. It sounds like this was a sudden change and I think even gradual change is monumental when we are grieving. Of course you felt like you didn't want to share...Dana has been a rock for you these past ten months....it is scary to think on what if I loose my rock. It is entirely normal to want everything to remain as it is, consistent, no change, it is easier to heal that way. Life just isn't like that though, is it? For myself, I actually feel sadness as I don't have any friends at all. I have colleagues, I have aquaintances, but no-one that I can call a friend. Melissa was my rock, and since her death I have had to learn how to be my own rock. Being lesbian it is hard to make friends where I live. It is a very homophobic place. Lot's of women think that if they become friends with me others will think they are lesbian too. After many hurts, I just don't try anymore. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted December 6, 2010 Report Share Posted December 6, 2010 Sending smiles to all of you. Mary, good for you for feeling the fear and taking that step forward. I also bet Michael is smiling....at you. Hope your evening was enjoyable for you. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted December 12, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 12, 2010 The evening rehearsal here at my house last Sunday was really great. We rehearsed our Christmas music, then ate too much, and had a little wine. They all bragged on my food, and I guess they meant it, because most went back for seconds. Then on Friday, Tom (my friend who lost his wife of 35 years a year ago September), Dana and I had our monthly support night. The three of us talked openly and honestly about Dana's new relationship, and mine and Toms fears that it would affect our group. I think we are all good, and according to Dana, our support group is very important to her, no matter what else may be going on in her life. We watched a movie "Scrooge" the musical version with Albert Finney. It was such fun. Somehow Dana and I had never seen it before. It is Tom's favorite Christmas movie, he said he and Ann watched it a lot every Christmas. Saturday was really busy, we carolled at the nursing homes (5 of them), and at every place we went, I found people there I knew, and it was great to visit with them. I have lived in this small town all my life, so I guess it is not unusual that I knew a lot of the people. The residents at each place seemed so happy to have us there, it really made my day. I was sick this past week with the achey flu, missed two days work, and now have a really bad cough. My diaphram is sore from coughing. Almost thought I had better pass on the carolling, so glad I did not. The day was a real blessing for me. This is not an easy season for me, or for any of us, but God helped me see today that I still have much to be thankful for. There is still a lot going on during the rest of the month. I think my family thinks I am too busy, that I will get too exhausted, but keeping busy is helping me cope. Thank you all for your touching words of support. I am also truly thankful that I found this site many months ago. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostmyHoney Posted December 12, 2010 Report Share Posted December 12, 2010 Mary, Im so very happy that you enjoyed the party, and the caroling ! Rachel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted December 12, 2010 Report Share Posted December 12, 2010 Mary, Glad to hear that you had a good talk with your friend and that you've found so much you can be thankful for. Christmas won't be easy for any of us, but I'm sure we'll muddle through somehow. melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted December 12, 2010 Report Share Posted December 12, 2010 Mary, thank you so much for letting us know how things went. I am so happy for you that it went well. I admire your positive outlook and I want to say thank you for the blessings you bring to the residents of the care homes by carrolling. Good for you! I am happy that you, Dana and Tom all talked about Dana's new relationship and how that might affect your group. I know that was weighing on your mind so I am glad that Dana offered you reassurance that your group is very important to her as well. I think it OK to do whatever you need to do to cope and I hope you feel well again real soon. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wmjsca Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 Get well soon, Mary! You've given me inspiration that hopefully something positive will come my way in time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 I'm so glad to hear your party went well and the caroling was fun! It's encouraging to see the progress people on this site have made. It gives me strength everyday to hear of the growth and change we all accomplish. Each time someone shares something new they have done it helps spur me on to do the same! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now