One More Week Without Gene

[ustwo]

I managed to survive another Sat night. My heart aches so badly....I know this will never go away. I heard Gene whisper my name yesterday. I wish I could just touch him. I asked for him to help me this week........he did. All the signs were there. I've been rushing around since June 11th like I've been caught up in a tornado. The busier I was the less time I would have to think. I packed up my house and put it up for sale. Then this week a short visit to my family made me realize that running was not going to make my heart heal. I took my house off the market. This is where I belong.......here with my memories. Here with time alone with my Gene. Here is where I can cry, talk to my love, be in the footsteps he left behind. And this Sat night was filled with memories....all the happy memories. It's been so hard to get through a Sat night without the remembering that Gene left that night 5 weeks ago. I still watch the clock for 7:48 and it's still overwhelming but I can now let myself remember all the beautiful moments, the precious moments Gene and I share. This wonderful man filled my heart and mind with a lifetime of happiness.......enough to get me through until we are together again. He can't wipe away my tears but he holds my heart and leads me. Gene fought so hard to stay with me as long as he could. All there is between us is a thin veil. Gene can't protect me from grieving, can't stop me from needing him in my life, can't stop this unending heartache, yearning for his arms around me, seeing his smile always. He'll be there when I walk through that veil and we'll never be apart again. These rings I wear are unending circles of love........our love. I just want to feel the touch of his hand holding mine. My days are filled with memories. I miss him so much. This pain will never go away. Our love is forever.......Always Gene.....Always my love.

[kayc]

I'm glad you had a lifetime to share. George and I only knew each other 6 1/2 years we were married 3 years and 8 months to the day. We waited all our lives for each other and when we found each other we instantly bonded, we belonged together and we lived more in those short few years than most people get to in a lifetime, our love was rich. Was...is. Your speaking of your Gene reminds me of how I feel about my George. I lost him June19th to a heart attack, he had just turned 51 that week. He could have lived another 20 years if the doctor had only ordered a test instead of misdiagnosing him with anxiety. But I have to let that go, it serves no purpose, it's hard, but I have to accept that he's gone and no amount of wishing or regrets will bring him back. It's time to look to what we had that was beautiful together, what I learned and am still learning from him. I have to forgive that doctor, even though he hasn't even contacted me...I am going to go see him Monday. I don't yet know what I'll say but I pray for the right words and spirit. But at least I know George isn't suffering any more...he had been having heart attacks for 18 months, that's a long time. His arteries had been clogged for better than four years. We hadn't known. He'd lost 55 lbs and his cholesterol was good and he looked so good, except he was tired and he didn't feel good. My heart goes out to him for all that he went through and suffered through, but now his pain is over and I must learn how to get on with mine. And I am so glad it is him that is gone instead of me because I really couldn't bear to have him going through this pain, I'd much rather it be me. What a man! I will always love him. It will be five weeks tomorrow. The worst pain in my life. My heart hurts for anyone going through this. I watch the world go one and it seems to not pause or notice and I realize that is how life is, it is a cycle and everyone else's seems to be at the beginning while mine is at the end. Another week and if we look at it that way, we are that much closer to being reunited...another week in the countdown.

[ustwo]

KayC, I understand how two souls can share a life time in such a brief time as you and George did. As you, I knew the moment I met Gene that it was meant to be....all started with a cup of coffee...an arrangement made by a mutal friend. She lost her husband 13 years ago. All four of us were friends...now there are two of us left. I know through her that this journey will not be easy...and it will not ever take away the longing for our soulmates. But we can hold on to the memories.......I know how lucky I am to have met the special man in my life.

I too have gone through the anger stage at a doctor. I know mistakes were made but it won't change anything. I was more disappointed that this doctor would not talk to me in the hospital....would actually leave ICU as soon as I walked in the room. Would not let me asks questions.....showed no compassion. I was grateful for an ICU staff of nurses that treated Gene with dignity, compassion, and all the care they could pour out.

Funny about being the one left behind. I have had the same thoughts. I take this pain of grief rather than have wished Gene to have suffered such heartache. I would not wish this pain for anyone....no one.

It will be six weeks tonight. I've prayed for help from God. I've talked to my darling to help me find a way to deal with this pain. This morning I woke up with a strange feeling of some kind of peace. I can't explain it and feel guilty that I did not greet the morning with unending tears and despair. Tears are always there through the day like Spring showers. I've not had to take pills to get through 2 days now.

I wish you and all of us left behind some sort of peace. A place where memories of being happy fill our days. I look at Gene's pictures and I know he was happy. I lost that feeling with him........happy I don't think will ever come again until the day of joy arrives when I can be with Gene.

Peace to everyone out there hurting and struggling just to get through one more day.

[kayc]

Don't feel guilty, be proud of yourself, it means you are strong! It does NOT mean you do not love him or are letting go of that love, it means you are coping and you are right on cue where you should be. Good for you! I know it doesn't feel triumphant but we have to feel that way over every little positive move we can see. It is the toughest battle we will ever have to face! Thlis grieving process is not for the faint hearted, it is hard work, it takes being brave and strong and all the more so when we don't feel like it or what to. No one asked us if we were up to it and it's not the path we chose for ourselves, yet here it is and it's ours. You have survived what you did not think you could just a few weeks ago and although it is not over and will never be entirely over, we will hopefully learn to cope...what choice do we have? Prayer is coming hard for me right now, even though I have always had strong faith and been a pray-er...I guess I'm having a hard time with all this but I also know that I will get through it one day at a time. I have kids, I have to. They are grown but they tell me I have to anyway. I am so thankful for this site, it has been a lifesaver. I am trying to get a grief support group in my town but in the meantime, I NEED to touch base with others who understand. Thank you, all of you.