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I've managed so much on my own these past four and a half months, but now I seem to have hit a wall. Everything seems so overwhelming. I just don't have the energy to do it all. The practical stuff is one thing - but the grief and the guilt are an enormous burden at times. I'm feeling a new low tonight - I keep thinking about how I let my husband down. I wasn't the rock he should have had throughout his illness - but we both thought he would beat this thing and get well. I just wish I could say I'm sorry and have him tell me he forgives me and understands.

Melina

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Melina, you did not let your husband down. None of us did, we all are human. Picture the roles reversed, would you forgive him, of course you would. And you would also understand that humans aren't always 100% there for each other or are 100% in caring. I was frustrated with Don the night he died, mostly because we had just started a week vacation and I was feeling his health problems were getting in the way of our having fun. And I'm sure Don saw it too. But I'm also sure he forgives me. See, we all have guilt, but we have to forgive ourselves, because I know our spouses did. Hugs Nancy

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I too am having a bad day Melina. I am still in my PJs and have done nothing. The grief is overwhelming..

My husband became sick on a long weekend. We had several plans but he ended up in the hospital. I thought he would get better and because he was so tired I let him sleep and didn't get a chance to say all that I wish I had. Hind sight...the next thing I new he was intubated and we could not communicate. He did not make it which shocked everyone. I hope he knows how much he meant to me!!!

Allana

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Melina and Abergsma,

Self Forgiveness is the most difficult thing to do. I have found that one of the best things you can do is sit down and write a letter to your loved one. It will help you. I wrote 20 plus such letters after My Jack died. It is very therapeutic. Give it a try - it is self cleansing. Forgiveness of any kind takes time - and - Self Forgiveness takes even longer. Try to remember that your loved ones would be the first to forgive us. We all make mistakes in life - I know I did. Try the "letter thing" - it will help.

Then a week later - write another letter - as if your loved one is responding to your letter. Beleive me it works - you will feel as if the response is from your loved one.

Go to my web site - listed below - I think it will help as well.

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I'm feeling this way, too, Melina. As I mentioned, I've begun writing letters to my sweetie, and as Dusky says, it's very therapeutic. Tonight, I expressed how unprepared we were for what happened. As nervous as we were about the surgery, it never once occurred to either of us that Glenn wouldn't be coming home again. The day before his surgery, I had told him how much I loved him, how much I have learned from him, how proud I was to be his wife, but if we had just known, there was so much else I would have told him. We knew his cancer was terminal but we had no idea that it would be a sudden heart fibrillation that took him. I console myself with the thought that heart failure is so much better than dying of cancer, but if he had come home, we would have had more time.

I tell him all these things in my letters and because we were so much on the same wavelength, I don't feel the need to draft his responses. I know, in my heart and in my head, what he would say to me, and carrying on this "dialogue" helps so much.

It's been only 7 weeks for me, so perhaps I don't understand what 4 months down the road will be like, as you do. I just know that no men loved as much as our men were, would be unforgiving or wouldn't understand. I think we tend to picture them as saints at the times when we're beating ourselves up. When I start feeling like that, I simply write to Glenn and remind him of some of the boners he pulled throughout our relationship and then I don't feel so bad. :)

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Melina, I too have those feelings of things left unsaid. Mike had not been sick, and died of a massive coronary, alone, while I was in the hospital 1 1/2 hours away, having had total knee replacement 2 days before. We talked on the phone just hours before he died, but they were mundane things, with neither of us having a clue it would be the last time we would talk. While I have not written to him, I do talk to him all the time. My surgery had been scheduled for a week before, however, I had rescheduled due to work reasons. Had I gone ahead a week earlier, I would have at least been home when he died, and he would not have had to lay for hours, just surrounded by our dogs, until our daughter found him that afternoon. I could not have changed the outcome, but he would not have been alone. That bothers me a lot. However, knowing my Michael, he was never happier than when all his animals were around, so I am sure his spirit was comforted by their presence. In some way, given his love of animals, being watched over by them at the end of his physical life is very fitting. Just wish I could have been there also.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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Oh Melina, I am sorry you are struggling so...I don't agree that you let your husband down at all. I understand you feel that way, but that doesn't make it so. I struggled a very long time with this feeling too. I blamed myself for Melissa's suicide and how badly I let her down. The letter writing is a very good thing to try Melina. It has helped me as others here. Melina, it sounds like you both decided to focus on life and that he would beat it. That is an OK thing to do. It does not mean you let your husband down, or that you weren's his rock.

I wish I could take your pain away Melina. Hugs to you.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

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Melina,

None of us let them down, they just died, it's not their fault, not our fault, it just is what it is. Try to be kind to yourself and understanding, like you would to someone else, you need it, you've been through a lot.

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