Unresolved Issues

[kayc]

Has anyone else run across things that they wish they could talk about with their mate, only it's too late, it's done, he's gone, and you can't? How do you handle that? It seems like unresolved stuff is hard to handle. Anything from what they meant on something they wrote down to where they put something. And then there was my being forced out of the hospital room y the ICU staff when he was dying so I didn't get to reassure him or say goodbye...that's hard. I don't know how to accept it. It keeps going through my mind, over and over again. I know he knew my heart and surely he knows I wanted to be there...did that cause him anguish in his last moments? I can't bear that I might have caused him any more pain than he was already in! How are you handling these things?

[ustwo]

KayC, I talk to Gene. I'm still trying to resolve the fact that after being there holding his hand for over 12 hrs that last day, I walked out for a couple minutes (bathroom) and missed the last breathes he took. Our oldest daughter was with him and his last words were "Where's Evelyn". It haunts me. I'll never know if he needed me or was waiting until I was gone to leave. It will always haunt me but I know Gene knows how no one loves him as deeply as I do. Gene talked about facing reality a month before he was hospitalized....trying to tell me something? I don't know. But facing reality and living with it are two different things. It's so hard to go on each day. I try and wipe away unresolved issues with memories........so many wonderful memories. And I know he was/is happy......we were happy....we were meant to be. KayC, you hang on to all those wonderful moments the two of you shared. And talk to your love........he's all around you. He hears you. You trusted that love when you could touch him....trust in that love now when you need him more than ever.

Always Gene.......Always!

[kayc]

I know, George was so full of grace, he'd forgive before ever being asked, and he KNEW how much I loved him just as I knew how much he loved me, but it's still so hard that I wasn't there when I wanted to help him leave peacefully. I am afraid that his very last moment had the added stress of worrying about how I'd take it. But then I have to trust that God took over where I left off and that He Himself ushered him in to that next place and is looking after him in my absence. Our thoughts were always of each other; it doesn't seem possible to alter that pattern. You had to go to the bathroom, you already know that's not your fault, any more than the nurse throwing me out of ICU was my fault, they simply wanted to try to save him and they can't be sure how a loved one will react and they need to concentrate all of their efforts on their patient...and, I remind myself, they didn't know he was going to die; I think I knew though, but then he may have just been another statistic to them but to me he was my husband and the most important person in the world.

[spela]

KayC, I don't know how to answer you. I did have a chance to be with him while he was dying and I know he died in peace - that at least gives me some comfort. I do believe though that your George as found his peace now, and he knows and understands that you couldn't be there, and knows that you WERE there in your heart. It's been almost 6 months for me, I don't think so much in terms of what I would say to him - I just wish I could BE with him.

[Spinjoza]

After an extended hospital stay my husband passed away. My last memories of my husband alive, are, of me feeding him ice because he was terribly thirsty, and the nurses asked me to leave because housekeeping needed to mop the room. I regret the fact that I did not tell him how much I loved him because I thought I would see him the next day.

[kayc]

I'm sure he knew already. But I think as long as we live, ALL of us will wish we could just tell them one more time how much we love them, or give them one more kiss, or one more hug...one that lasts about a thousand years. But it would have been so much better, I keep thinking, if I could have stayed by his side when he slipped away to his new home, rather than the nurse kicking me out and him having to go...alone. I will always regret that it happened that way. I feel like I am obsessed with him. I think about him every moment of the day. People think I'm doing okay, but they don't know how hard it is...they don't see how little sleep I get or how much I cry when I'm alone. They don't see how much my heart aches or read the thoughts going through my head. How much I'd love to share this sunset with him, or if only he could see the deer in the yard. If only he could see how many apples we're getting this year after he pruned the trees! If only he could have a piece of pie made from them. If only he was here to see the rails to the deck finished, if only he could be here helping me paint them. If only we could make that drive we'd talked about. If only...the rest of my life seems such a long time to wait. I miss you, George.

[ustwo]

I tried to reply last night but just couldn't. All I could think about is if we all could have just five more minutes....the five minutes I was not there to say goodbye. Just five more minutes, five more hours, five more days, months, years. I could have had a 100 years to say "I love you" and it would not have been enough. Those words never could say what was in my soul....there are no words. I live with the unresolved issues...not because I want to....just because. Just as my heart beats and I don't know why. Some days I don't dwell long on all I could have done differently. But at night, everynight, when I say good night to Gene EVERYTHING IS THERE! All there like yesterday instead of 8 weeks ago. I shed my tears, close my eyes, hope to go to sleep quickly, and know that tomorrow will be the same...He's not going to be there to greet the morning with me. And each day as I go through 28 years of pictures I know Gene knows how I love him....how we two are ONE! Oh, I miss you so much Gene!

Always Gene!

Always!