Not Ready To Get Rid Of Anything

[kayc]

This weekend was rough for me, I couldn't get the lawnmower started which was frustrating to me because now I feel stupid on top of everything else I am already dealing with. Then I wanted to prime the new railing that Dan put up but when George put the lid on last time he didn't seal it so it is one big solidified blob. You can't even get rid of it at the dump any more, you have to pay someplace in the valley to take it. But that is the very least of my problems. The really hard part is feeling like I want to kill myself. The pastor said my feelings are normal. They don't feel very normal to me. The inner pain is so incredible, so intense, it feels unbearable. Everyone says it'll be a long haul, it will take a long time to get over this, that I have to expect it, that it could get worse before it gets better. How can it get worse than what I am already feeling and dealing with? When you feel like you have an ongoing explosion going on inside of your heart and soul, how can it get worse than that? Some people equate this to the pain of a divorce...this is NOTHING like a divorce. A divorce isn't nearly as final as death...some people remarry, some remain friends. In a divorce it doesn't come as such a shock unless you're totally blind and in denial, because the marriage can't be real terrific if it reaches that point. In a divorce you have mixed feelings, some of which are relief, some of which is temporary anger and hatred that fuels your strength and resolve to get through it. You have no such fuel for strength in death. I'm not minimizing how difficult divorce is, it's definitely in the top finalists for worst things to go through, but unexpected death of your beloved spouse is by far 1,000 times worse. And then there are unresolved issues to go through and that prolongs healing. Anything that you didn't get to work through or discuss, one of which is the chance to say goodbye, qualifies as an unresolved issue. It makes this so much more agonizing and slow to heal. I don't even feel any healing processes begun yet. Just pain, intense, incredible pain that is unending. I think I've already run most people off, no one returns my calls, yet I'm told I need to express my grief and talk to people and not withdraw. I think I understand why my neighbor moved in with someone two weeks after her husband died and has been drinking constantly since. She didn't go through his things, she didn't stay in the house, she didn't sell it, she has just been repressing her grief for years but she can't heal that way either and it is all still there inside of her whether she addresses it or not. It's definitely not the way to handle things, but it's certainly understandable. But I can't do that. I love George and I can't stand the thought of being with someone else, good grief, I can't even bear the thought of getting rid of his stuff! I threw away his deodorant today and that alone just about killed me. One reason it was so tough this weekend is I had on my agenda to clean out his trailer so I can give it to another family and I want them to begin enjoying it. But it was definitely pushing it to do it this soon. I'm sure all the neighbors heard me crying as I spent the entire afternoon cleaning it out. I put the pots/pans, knives, flatwear, coffeepot, microwave in storage...I figured one of us could use it sooner or later. I spent a lot stocking that trailer and an entire weekend working on it with George to clean it and ready it for his use...just to now have to undo all of that. I feel like we just got married and I just got everything done and ready for us, just put everything together, worked so hard to help him build up his credit, just got everything ready for us to have a life together, a nice trailer for camping, everything, only to have to turn around and undo everything now. It's way too soon. There were so many trips we'd wanted to take and never got to. So many sunsets we never viewed, so many walks we never took, so many meals I didn't get to make for him. I am dying inside. I want it to be over, I can't bear it. George wanted me to live and I know it was the kids he was thinking of, why else would it matter? He didn't want them to go through the pain...but what about me? I'M going through the pain and I'm sure my missing him, my life partner, is far more agonizing than the kids missing their mother when they are grown and have their whole lives ahead of them. Maybe not, I don't know, I don't have anything to compare it to, I feel like I never had a mother. I don't even know what it's like to have a real mother. But anyway, I don't have a choice, I'm told I have to live whether I want to or not. That's another thing I'm having a hard time with. I didn't get a say in anything and that "losing my voice" is another loss I have to deal with. I have been very assertive and vocal, which I am told is good and very healthy, and I am trying to take care of myself physically, but I sure don't know what for. I just don't know how to get through this. The trouble is, George and I loved each other so passionately and I guess when you love harder then you die harder too...the pain inside makes you feel like you're dying. I wish I had some incentive just to get through the day. I've been trying really hard to focus on the positive and some days there is something good to see and be thankful for no matter how minute, yet other days I can't think of anything. It just seems like a non-ending struggle. I absolutely could not bear it if anything happened to one of my kids, I can't take any more, I mean that. I honestly never minded being alone before, but since having George, we'd become so very close and became interdependent on each other for everything, mostly relational things, and I just feel like I can't and don't want to live without him. I don't know how to get from where I'm at to where I can just smile about the good memories. Everyone says it takes a long time, but what no one can tell me is how do I survive it? I try one day at a time but I don't like any of those days. I hate my very existence right now. And just a few weeks ago I was so happy. How can one person make such a huge difference in one's life?

I went back to the being on the worship team this morning and did fine with it...but it was just the rest of the day that bombed out. The trouble is, I never know when or what my reaction is going to be and that leaves me feeling pretty uncertain. Another thing I'm told is "normal". The fire chief's funeral is tomorrow. That's hit me hard too even though I haven't had much contact with him in years...it's just the fact that it's another person I knew that was so young and shouldn't be dead and now I know there's another woman out there that feels as horrible as I do and that's not a comfort, that's compounded misery. It breaks my heart that anyone should feel like this. I know I have to turn this into something positive but I can't yet, it's going to be a very long haul.

Well I will try to get some sleep; I haven't been sleeping until about 2:00 a.m. usually. I wait until I am absolutely dead tired because I am so totally sick of crying myself to sleep, but sometimes that theory doesn't work and I cry myself to sleep anyway. Maybe if I could just learn to shut off emotionally...no I did that once, that's like being one of the walking dead. Not good.

[spela]

KayC,

I do know what you are talking about. I've had many many day like that. It's been almost six months now. If I look back, I don't know HOW I managed to ge through it. Especially the first 3 months, I was in darkness all the time. It took me more than 3 months before I had 1 (one!) not so bad day, and then it got even worse before it got a little better again. What I keep telling myself is that I have to live because I want to keep his memories alive, and one day when I have more energy I will maybe write a book and dedicate it to him or do something similar, I can't think about it now. What has given me strenght is my faith that he's still here, with me. Sometimes I can so clearly feel his presence and I feel love and peace. Sometimes I can't feel it, and I even start to think if it was real or just an illusion and wonder if I will ever feel it again - but now I am able (I think) to remind myself that I will. And that's I think how I've managed to survive. Does it get easier? I don't know. The truth is that my days now are not all in dark, that I am in fact able to do some things, that I am more ready to talk to some people - though I must say, most of the people I can't talk to, and the truth is, I do feel alone. I can't say it hurts less, but the pain is different now, I am more often able to think of the wonderful things that we have had, and be thankful for the moments we have spent together. And that maybe can be called healing. Wishing you love and peace!

[ustwo]

Memories and putting one foot in front of the other each day is the only way I get through right now. I go through the motions just like the sun comes up and goes down. 6 weeks and at least when I open my eyes my mind isn't screaming. All of us left behind hold all the wonderful memories that no one else has. I don't know what I'll do today or tomorrow. I know I am here for a reason just don't know why. I know that I am not ready for the world. I spend my days looking at pictures through tears. And I can see he was happy in each of those pictures. He was my reason for "being". It would not have been long enough if it had been a thousand years. All of us are blessed to have found our soulmates. As I read I know there are so many of us in pain. I have faith that I'll find some sort of peace as I can also read that.....so there's hope. I wrap myself up in Gene's love each day just to get through another day.

KayC, hold on to the wonderful memories. Know that the love you share with George is like no other in the world. I try and fill the emptiness with all those memories.........all that love. It doesn't take the pain away. It reaffirms that I was blessed. If this pain was the price to pay for the years of love then I'll walk with this. I know the love between me and Gene is still there...it's forever. The pain will not follow me when I am with him again so I know it will end.

Be gentle to yourself. This is so hard.

["princess"]

kayc,

i have no idea why it gets better than the emotional rollercoaster takes a nose dive. it has been 4 months since I lost my husband and it seems like the last three weeks have been the hardest. I laugh and joke at work but as soon as I am by myself I break down and can't stop. This pain we all feel is so unreal. I compare shock to a really good pain medicine but as it is wearing off my heart just wants to explode. there is this pain that just will not let up. i don't know how long it will last but i am more afraid of when it does ease up. how do we go on living without our loved ones? why us? the only comfort i get is knowing that my husband will never go through this pain. when we all walked down the isle we all knew that one day one of us in the mirrage would have to face this. the thing that stinks is that regardless of when it happens it feels like it was to soon.

when i have days like yours i just walk away. i am fighting just to stay afloat. i am not going to let things drain the little energy i have. stay strong and remember that we are here for you.

[Gisela]

hello girls,

My therapist asked me today why I don´t want to react. I asked my sons and they said the same. So I believe I don´t want to react. I feel I am in a tornado. What would you do in such situation?

Thank you for all the support and God bless you. A big kiss. Gisela

[kayc]

A tornado is a pretty apt description of all that goes on inside. What does your therapist mean by "react"? Are you repressing? It is good to let your feelings out...you've started by sharing on this site. That is good. We're here for you.

[spela]

Ustwo, thank you for your words! Though it was a reply to KayC, your post has given me some comfort. Thank you!