How Do I Go On Alone?

[EveryShadeOfBlue]

Hi everyone,

I've been reading about the losses you all have had and I am so sorry for them. My heart and prayers goes out to you all. I lost my husband and my children in a car crash. A drunk driver hit them. I just don't know how to go on. I don't know what to do. I blame myself. I caused this to happen. I asked my husband to go back out when he got home from work. If I hadn't of asked they would still be alive. My kids were twins, 4 years old. I feel like I'm going day to day in a daze. Some days I feel guilty for breathing or eating or even smiling. After it happened I stopped everything. I didn't care about anything. I am litterally killing myself by not eating or sleeping right. I've been hospitalized for letting my weight get down to 86lbs. I'm mad at the man that killed them, I'm mad at myself and I'm mad at them for leaving me. My mind tells me one thing but my heart tells me different. I'm so scared to be alone. Some days I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like I am who I am because of them, they were what made me, me and now I am nothing alone. They were the biggest part of me. I just can't find that place inside of me where I know I'll be "ok" again.

I just feel lost.

[kayc]

To lose both your husband AND children all at once and so young, that has got to be the hardest thing a person can go through. I am so sorry for your losses. Your life was definitely intertwined with theirs and yet you are a person all in yourself too and need to realize that you still have value and your life can have meaning. It may take you a long time to realize what that is or be ready to realize it even. But do try to take care of yourself even if you don't see any point in it. Be mad at the person who did this but that person was not you nor was it your husband or kids. How to go on alone? I'm trying to figure that one out myself. Do whatever you can to NOT be alone right now and stay under the care of a doctor. I had to go to the doctor myself today. Try to keep in mind what your husband would have wanted for you. He surely wouldn't want you to slowly kill yourself, he loved you and would want you to survive. We are here for you, talk to us any time, we care. I have a friend who lost his wife and babies in a car accident...and it wasn't a drunk driver either, he himself was driving. Years later he has built a new life for himself and yet April has always been and most likely always will be a hard month for him. Guilt, unless it is earned and effects positive change, is a useless emotion, worse than that, a drain of energy. Be kind to yourself, compassionate, you are in need of love and care, especially from yourself.

[spela]

I am sorry for your losses. I don't even know what to say, it really must be the hardest thing a person can go through. Please don't blame yourself. You couldn't have know what would happen, there was no way you could see into future. Take care of yourself, though you don't know why and what your purpose could be. What gives me strenght - at least in my "good" moments - is that I want to keep his memories alive and that's why I want/have to live.

[kayc]

That's a very good reason to live...one I need to keep in mind when I'm struggling.

["princess"]

I have no words to say except that I am so sorry. If you ever need to talk please know we are here. I know your husband and precious babies are with God. I know it is hard to believe in anything right now but that is who will guide us through this horrific pain.