It's Been Awhile.... Hello Again

[Cajie_Laurie]

I would like to wish you all a Happier New Year.... That's how my Cousin gave her New Year Blessing and I thought how great that sounded since last year totally sucked with Tommy's passing.

I haven't posted since November. The holidays were although hectic, kept me busy, which was good. It was my 1st holiday season without Tommy and while he was always in the back of my mind, I wanted to give the grand kids a good Christmas. Which they got.... Tommy would want me to do that.

I moved here (North Carolina) from Tampa and am originally from Louisiana, so when it snowed the day after Christmas, it was to say the least different. I was used to still wearing shorts even in the winter. And as long as I don't have to drive in it or go out in it, I can handle snow.

We had a kitchen fire right before Thanksgiving and had to spend 1st night at a motel. That was interesting to say the least... The 3 older grand kids were OK, but we found out that it's nearly impossible to keep 3 kids (ages 11, 9 and 3) entertained in motel rooms. The kitchen is now on it's way to being renovated and life is returning to normal again.

The day we came back, I was alone in my room on my comp with my TV on when all of a sudden, the TV screen turned blue. I was way across the room and no one was with me... What happened was the DVD player turned on!! And I believe it was Tommy asking me where was I the night before. That gave me a peaceful feeling knowing Tommy is still watching over me. (What other explanation is there?)

Jan 16th is Tommy's birthday. He would have been 53. I'm not sure exactly how I will celebrate it. Maybe buy a chocolate cup cake and light a candle for him. Whatever I do, I will honor his day and honor him. I deleted his face book page a while ago. Some times, I regret it, but then I think that while many in his family were on FB too, he had not friended any of them, so they couldn't celebrate with me anyway.

I reconnected with a friend I had since the early 90's. Her hubby and my EX were both military. Her only daughter was killed in a car accident a few years ago and she asked me if I laugh. My answer... Yeah, if it's funny.... LOL

That made HER laugh, which was my intention.

I love you all and I thank you for listening to my ramblings....

Laurie

[Chrissie]

Welcome back Laurie, it's good to know your holidays went ok. Sounds like the grandkids had a lot to do with that. I know mine sure did!! It was also my first holidays without Tim. I made it through with some tears and lots of memories. The hardest part was coming home, it is so lonesome. I now have one more "first" and that will be on the 31st, his one year anniversary. I plan on taking a few days off work and just spending quiet time remembering our years together. It took me forty years to find him and I was blessed to have found the love of my life. I still have my bad days, but at least I am able to function and yes, "even laugh if it's funny". May Tommy's birthday be filled with lots of wonderful memories and love. I will be thinking of you. Hugs

Chris

[kayc]

Laurie,

I love your sense of humor and resilience. I'm glad you all survived the fire and hope it's not much longer you have to work around the renovations. I hope you enjoyed your Christmas with your grandkids! How neat that you got a message from your husband! I don't think I've had actual messages, but I do feel his closeness and carry him inside of me.

[Dimcl]

Jan 16th is Tommy's birthday.

I am happy that you're in a place where you can celebrate that day in some way, Laurie.

Unfortunately, my Glenn's very sudden diagnosis of cancer precipitated surgery that just happened to fall on his birthday. He turned 79 the day of surgery and died 5 days later. I know that when 26 October rolls around this year, the only memory I will have is of my husband, in tears because I wished him a happy birthday just prior, being rolled off to surgery that was pointless and that contributed to his death.

I guess I'm a "glass half-empty" kind of person.

[sunstreet]

Welcome back Laurie. I don't have a lot of energy but wanted to say welcome back.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Cajie_Laurie]

Dear Dimel.

I am so sorry for your loss on what should have been a happy day for both of you. Tommy had his heart attack on his father's birthday and died a week later. (His father had died a few years before and Tommy never got over it and was contemplating suicide a week before his heart attack.) This is some thing I haven't told anyone, especially his family. I just don't have the heart to do so. Now, I know he didn't choose to have a heart attack on that day, but to me it was Tommy's way of saying "Now you HAVE to remember his birthday."

I still feel guilty for a lot of things that happened months prior, including things that happened in the hospital.

This sounds trite, but I know Tommy is with his father... a man he adored and respected and loved. And while we all miss him here on Earth, I know that Tommy, his dad and others who went before him are watching those they loved. So is your Glenn.

While, I have had the fortune to have signs from Tommy, even if I didn't, I know he is watching over me and guiding me when I have to make difficult decisions. I'll never know what exactly happened... was it a seizure which brought on the heart attack? Was he so despondent that he didn't have the will to live? Did he have other health problems that were missed? And most importantly, if I had brought him to the ER sooner, would he still be alive?

Imagining that Tommy is up there rooting for Notre Dame and the Gators with his dad and everyone makes me smile. Finding myself using the same expressions Tommy would reminds me of instances when he said the same thing and I smile. That's how I get through all this.

I do hope that one day you can get to that place where you aren't badgering/ blaming yourself over things you could not control. God called our loved ones to him and are in his loving arms. And that in itself gives me some peace.

Dear Carol Ann,

I have been reading your post about your Melissa and I hope that your impact statement makes a huge difference and keeps that man behind bars. When I found Tommy in his desk chair, the 1st thing I thought of was his admission that he was contemplating suicide and how I handled it all wrong came flooding back. I pray that you and each and every one of us can find the peace we need to go on with out our loved ones.

Laurie