Need To Get This Out

[Chrissie]

I've only shared this with my family but as Tim's year aniniversary approches I find myself needing to talk about it more. On Wed 1/27/10 I left for work and Tim was having a pretty good day. Later that day I called to check on him and he said he had taken his insulin, well because he shook so bad he could not make his insulin by himself, so I asked him how he did that and how much he took. He told me A(I won't use her name), a neighbor who visited once in a while, drew it for him and he took 90 units of R. which is fast acting and if he really needed it he should of only taken 9 units. I knew he needed to get help right away so I called and he was transported to the hospital. He never really recovered and hated the hospital so I had him taken to a hospice facility where they could monitor him in hopes he would pull through it and come home, he passed away on the 31st.

Now, I know Tim was already on hospice at home, and it was just a matter of time, but he wanted to die at home and this incident prevented that, and it didn't have to happen. The day before, I told this person that Tim was not to be given insulin unless I or the hospice nurse gave it to him. I explained that he was confused a lot of the time so he couldn't really make good judgements about his care. I try so hard not to be angry but I can't get it out of my head. I feel so bad that his wishes weren't carried out. Don't get me wrong, hospice was wonderful to him and to me, but I just feel like I let him down.

As I write this the tears are flowing because I've kept it bottled up for so long. I know this is long and I've probably rambled some, so thanks everyone for just letting me get it out. Maybe by doing this I can come to peace with it.

Chris

[mfh]

Hi Chris,

I am so sorry about how all that happened for you and Tim. It is hard enough to deal with death without having a situation like that happen. I had something similar to that happen and it altered the plans I had around Bill also making it all the more difficult to deal with my loss. It is hard to NOT focus on those things for me and for you but that is the challenge. It is good you got it out...not good to keep stuff buried. MFH

[Lainey]

Chris,

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this, at least you are talking about it. I found that when I would get angry it helped if I was able to vent , some people just listened,others had some good advice.

You neighbor really should have contacted you before giving Tim his insulin, but she must have felt that she was helping you.

You shouldn't blame yourself either for having to put him hospice. These things are out of our control most of the time.

Let the tears flow, thet are the best way to cleanse your soul.

Lainey

[wmjsca]

Hi Chris,

Those horrible memories of what should have been done, what could I have done better or more effectively. I ask myself over and over. Now that almost three months have passed and the fog has lifted a bit, I see so many more things retrospectively. I just couldn't have known then what is so clear now. Clint was ill for a very long time. I knew it, but the medical community kept brushing it off as depression, dehydration, minor infections, etc. I should have followed my first mind. I have seen people with cancer, he looked the same. Yet, I allowed those "competent medical professionals" to assure me he was fine. He wasn't. He died. He was dying for months and I didn't know it. I know now that I couldn't have done things differently then because I was misinformed. But I live with the regret of those final months and weeks...I should have been saying goodbye properly....I didn't know our time was so limited.

Let the feelings flow. One of the most important things I learned here is that I am not alone. We all think of what we might have done better, did we do the right thing, were their wishes carried out properly, etc. There was lots of confusion, frustration and sadness going on then, coupled with the everyday stresses of normal life. We couldn't have done any more than we did. Our loved ones knew that. I'm convinced now that Clint knew I did the best I could. Your Tim is also aware that you did your best to make sure he was cared for as he requested. I just believe they knew. It was just their time to die and there's no amount of caring and love that could have prevented the events that led to that end.

Take care. Don't be hard on yourself. I'm trying to convince myself of that every day, too. We'll get through this in time.

[kayc]

Chris,

We all wish things had gone differently. I wish George could have died at home so I could have been there to help usher him into his next life and reassure him. As it was, the hospital made me leave so I feel like I wasn't there when he needed me most. In actuality, if he'd been at home, I would have always wondered if I'd gotten him to the hospital if they could have saved him. I don't think we're ever satisfied with how it comes out. You did your best and can't second guess things now. The neighbor should not have treated him, they weren't qualified, but I'm sure they meant well and he probably told them 90 instead of 9...still, most of us know that diabetics can get confused when they're out of whack...and you, having warned her, she should have realized. But it does no good to look back now, it's done. You have to accept that you both knew you loved each other and did your best. I'm sorry you're being plagued with all this...it's probably the one year anniversary mark that's triggering it.

[Chrissie]

Thank you all so much. Kay, I think you're right about the 1 year mark triggering all of this. It's funny how that 1 year mark can hit you with the reality that they are gone and not going to walk through that door. All the memories of those few days before and the day run through your head. And yes it does help to get it out and share it with people who understand.

Chris