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Approaching A First


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Bill's birthday is approaching...the first since he died last March. That is soon to be followed by the 1st anniversary of his death. I have to consider how I will spend these days. It is shocking that it has been 9 1/2 months already. It feels like yesterday and 9 years at the same time. The aloneness gets worse.

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I haven't yet reached any "first" except Christmas and New Years and am just dreading them. I can't imagine how you're feeling. I can only say how sorry I am that these things must happen. I just hope that you can stay strong and are able to celebrate that Bill was here. Not long enough, I know, but I hope you can focus on that.

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It feels like yesterday and 9 years at the same time.

That's true, it feels like a time warp. The loneliness does seem worse for quite a while and then you gradually adjust to being alone. I know it's hard reaching anniversaries of their death/birthday/anniversary/our birthday, etc. It's like a trigger that sets us back, but some people make it through them amazingly well so I've learned we can't expect the worst. Try to make plans and think how you're going to handle those days, it seems to help.

(((hugs)))

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I've been through all the firsts now and found for myself that I needed part of the day by myself to remember our life together on this special occassion. Then for part of the day I was with my children and g/babies.

Hope that gives you something to think about.

Lainey

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Thank you one and all. I will probably do a mix...time alone and time with friends. No kids, no grandkids....Thank you. It seems that even what might appear to be a silly first throws me. Today I had to take a class to renew my license and it was the first one I went to since Bill died...and the first time I saw the person in charge...it all tripped off the tears. Driving the road to the building, etc. So strange. Bill's birthday is this month and then the one year anniversary in March.

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Oh for sure I so understand. You are making perfect sense with your thoughts, feelings and behavior to me. It does become "more tolerable and less painful" with each of the anniversaries in my experience. I don't think it strange at all that it "tripped off all the tears" Everytime we do something in life that before at the end of it we may have received a hug from our love, or received some encouraging words, or been able to just share with our love about it, and now those things are not possible, it triggers that reality all over again. For me now, I feel my love in everything I do and the pain has transformed to something less palpable and at times I even feel joy.

I encourage you to do whatever feels right to help you through these anniversaries. I hold you in gentle thought and prayer.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

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I found that Mike's birthday in August was actually a worst day for me, than this past Thursday, which was the first anniversary of his death. I think part of it was that I finally realized on his birthday, he would never be any older. If that makes any sense. I spent part of Thursday alone, and some time with my daughter, then talked on the phone to my best friend. Watched some DVD's that I had of Mike performing in theater. It was a pretty calm peaceful day. And by the way, it is always the unexpected things that throw us....you are preparing for the Birthday, and the anniversary of his death, but you don't think you have to prepare for something as mundane as getting your license, so it sneaks up on you!

Hope your upcoming "firsts" will be peaceful.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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Thank you, Mary. I agree those unexpected things hit us hard. I never dreamed as I walked into that building that I would be in tears by the time I got to the classroom. I bit my tongue and made my way through the class. I have not gotten past remembering how hard the last months we had together were. I was so exhausted after four years of caregiving, sleepless nights and we were both just hanging on. His hospital stay gave me a chance to get some sleep and rest a bit but I still wish I had brought him home sooner when I saw him going down hill so fast...we had 5 days at home but at least he was home when he died. Hard hard year and hard days for all of us. mfh

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Bill's birthday is approaching...the first since he died last March. That is soon to be followed by the 1st anniversary of his death. I have to consider how I will spend these days. It is shocking that it has been 9 1/2 months already. It feels like yesterday and 9 years at the same time. The aloneness gets worse.

Hi MFH,the firsts are the worst as they bring home that the person isn't here with us and we don't get to share the event with the person who would care the most. I lit a candle and said a prayer and just sat alone holding my Michael's photo with him smiling up at me, some people release a baloon with or without a note attached, some say a little prayer, others get together and share... Do what you feel you need to do and know we are here for you. Take care, Deb

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You are so right. The lonliness never leaves. No one can understand how bad it is unless they have experienced it first hand.

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