Tina287 Posted January 14, 2011 Report Share Posted January 14, 2011 I lost my husband almost 2.5 weeks ago after 9 month long battle with cancer. He was in his early forties. We have been married for only 3.5 years (together for almost 6 years). I am in my late thirties. We have been trying to get pregnant before he got sick. I am devastated. I lost my best friend and the love of my life. I miss him terribly. I can't see anything beyond the next few hours. Early mornings and evenings are hard. I am having problems concentrating and getting things picked up around the house. I have not been at work for the past 8 weeks. I am praying that it will get easier. I just have not been able to digest that I am now a widow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 14, 2011 Report Share Posted January 14, 2011 It is too early to expect anything but the fog and shock that follows death. I lost my husband 9 months ago and I am starting to see through the fog. It is different for everyone but you are so raw. Even though you might have known he was dying, just as I did with my husband, the shock of death is so huge that it will be a while. I joined a Hospice Spousal Loss Group and that helped a lot because everyone was in the same boat. I also see a grief counselor (and I am a psychotherapist with 40 years experience) and I post here, read a lot on grief so I better understand what to expect. Be patient with yourself...you are young and had dreams (though older, we had dreams also) and this reality takes a while to settle in. A day at a time, for me sometimes a minute at a time. mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimcl Posted January 14, 2011 Report Share Posted January 14, 2011 I am so sorry for your loss, Tina. I lost my husband of 33 years about 2 1/2 months ago, and I can so relate to what you're going through. Glenn and I had no children and were just us, always just the two of us. I am only 56, but although technicallyI am, I don't consider myself a widow (what an ugly word!). As far as I'm concerned, I'm still married. As for being able to concentrate, be patient with yourself. You are going to be mystified at what your brain does and doesn't do over the next while. I'm still not able to focus very well, although it's not as bad as it was. And if you don't mind me saying so... it doesn't get "easier" - it changes. I still think about my darling Glenn every second of every day, but I'm now in a place where (sometimes), when I think of him, I can smile. I'm not thinking about the horrible time in the hospital as much, and am thinking more about Glenn and our wonderful life together. Please tell us about your husband. What was his name? What was he like? Talking about our loved ones as much as we want to is one of the benefits of this group. And I believe that many of us find ourselves smiling as we tell each other about our loves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 15, 2011 Report Share Posted January 15, 2011 Tina, I'm sorry for your loss, it is the hardest thing in the world. You've found a good place to be, with others going through it or having survived it. I'm so sorry you didn't get to have a child together as you'd so wanted. I feel like I waited all my life to meet my soulmate and best friend and we knew each other for 6 1/2 years and were married only 3 years and 8 months when he passed away from a heart attack...we hadn't known up until that weekend that he had a heart problem. It was a huge shock and all these years later, I still miss him, he ws that very special person created just for me. Please keep coming here and posting how you feel, ask any questions, it all helps. (((hugs))) Kay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted January 15, 2011 Report Share Posted January 15, 2011 I am just so very deeply sorry for your loss. I want to acknowledge your courage in posting here. You found a wonderfully safe place, rich with wonderfully safe people, who understand totally! It is so very new and raw for you, it is going to take some time before the shock wears off. I encourage you to keep talking, keep coming back and if you find no words come, that is ok, sometimes just to read other post's helps us to feel not so alone with our "pain". Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina287 Posted January 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2011 Thank you so much for everybody's support. I met Michael, my late husband 6 years ago. It was really a sweet story. I met him at work. I thought he was a really kind person. It was a different relationship than what I had before. I became a Christian 9 months before I met him. God was already working in my heart. I saw the beauty of his heart. We dated for a couple of years and got married in 2007. Life was good.I enjoyed being married to him. He had this calming effect on me. He had 2 children from previous marriage. They live with their Mom in a different state. We both struggled dealing with difficult teens but our relationship remained strong. He was a good father. He was pretty good with his hands. He could fix anything. He could do any project I could come up with. He loved his motorcycle. We went on short trips on his Harley. We had a great time. We spent a lot of time talking and planning our future together. We talked about how our child would look like. We talked about how he would be the father that he was never allowed to be for our child. We tried for two and a half years but did not get pregnant. We were going back and forth fertility doctor when he got sick. When he got sick last year, I did not think that he would be gone by the end of the year. I made him promise me that he would try the best he could and not give up. He did not break his promise After 3 different round of failed chemotherapies, the cancer went to his brain. The doctor gave him 4 weeks to live. He was in Hospice for 33 days. God gave us those last days to build more memories and to say our good bye. I was able to be there with him for the entire duration. He passed away a couple days after Christmas beating the doctor's estimate by a couple of days. He was unconcious for a day and a half before he passed. Minutes before he died, he opened his eyes and looked at me for 3 minutes. He tried to talk but could not. I knew he was trying to say I love you. He passed away with a smile on his face as if to assure me that he's in good hands. There was not any doubt that he loved me. I am honored and previliged to have been his wife. He told me before he died that I have given him the happiest six years of his life. He was an amazing man and wonderful husband. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimcl Posted January 16, 2011 Report Share Posted January 16, 2011 Michael sounds like a good man, Tina, and your words tell us how much you love each other. I'm not a spiritual person, Tina, but I believe that if someone is held in our hearts and our memories, the love remains on both sides, and although that may sound illogical coming from someone who isn't at all spiritual, I think the love remains in the joy that was brought to each of us when we found our loves. I'm so happy to hear that you were with Michael at the end. So many of us were not privileged to have that, and it is one of my greatest regrets that my Glenn was alone when he died. Thank you for sharing a little bit about your Michael. I hope it comforts you to tell us about him and your life together. I always find that it brings a smile to my face when I can talk about Glenn. He's only been gone for 2 1/2 months but it's already getting difficult to find friends or family who want to hear me talk about him and our life together, as if 33 years can just go out the window after a couple of months. Sad, but true. So, please, talk to us until you're blue in the face if it will help. Di Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted January 16, 2011 Report Share Posted January 16, 2011 Tina, I am so sorry for your loss, but what a wonderful story you told of your meeting and marrying Michael. My husband was Michael also. Something special about that name, right? I just had my one year anniversary since Michael's death. This has been a hard year, the hardest of my life, the first few months were a fog, and don't expect to have much clarity for awhile. I will tell you, that for me, it is getting easier. I will always miss him, but I have the memories, and they comfort me. The anniversary of his death was actually a calm peaceful day for me, and I think he had something to do with that. This site has been wonderful support for me, and I think you will discover that support also. You can say anything here, and we will understand and empathsize. Prayers for you, and remember, we are all here on this journey with you, this trip that none of us ask to take. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina287 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 I tried to go back to work this week. The first two days were ok. I lost it this morning. A friend of his texted me to see how I was doing. I cried and cried. I am still in bed. I have been really busy for the last three days and had not really reflected on things. It's been 3 weeks since Michael's passing. I know that there will be good and bad days ahead. I know you understand the ache in my heart. I am taking one hour at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimcl Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 I tried to go back to work this week. The first two days were ok. I lost it this morning. A friend of his texted me to see how I was doing. I cried and cried. I am still in bed. I have been really busy for the last three days and had not really reflected on things. It's been 3 weeks since Michael's passing. I know that there will be good and bad days ahead. I know you understand the ache in my heart. I am taking one hour at a time. I find that absolutely surrounding myself with Glenn gets me through the hardest times. Fortunately, I had taken dozens and dozens of photos of my love over the 33 years that we were together, and from about 2 weeks after his death in November, I started organizing and scanning all the photos I have of him. I've spent days creating a slideshow, adding music, burning to DVD, etc. Just spending so much time looking at his photos makes him seem so much nearer. I also write my sweetie every day. I tell him how I'm feeling, I tell him how angry I am at him for not listening to me when he started losing weight and he put off going to the doctor. I tell him what the weather's like. Just heartfelt letters written to the man I love who just doesn't happen to live here anymore. I chose to hand-write the letters because the computer is too impersonal and when I'm having a hard time, I write to him about it and it always helps. I can't tell you how many pages have tear stains on them, but he's the only one who I can talk to about what's happened. I know that may sound odd, but it's true. It's also interesting to note that when I started the letters, I couldn't bring myself to refer to his "death". I'd say "when you left" or "when you went away". In the last few days, I've been able to write the words "death" and "died". It's still difficult, but the letters do tell me where I was and where I am now. My heart aches so for you and Michael, Tina. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and take it from minute to minute. Hugs. Di Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lainey Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 Tina, I'm so sorry that you lost your wonderful husband. He sounds like a very special man and you loved each other deeply. I am amazed that you went back to work after 3 weeks, I was still in shock,(probably for the first few months),my brain was like mush and lack of sleep didn't help. Sadly, you are right, there are going to be many,many bad days ahead for the first while, somehow we seem to get through them.In between there are good days, learn to cherish those days ,they are a lifeline to getting better. On the bad days,do what is necessary to get through the day.. cry, scream, beat a pillow.. whatever you need to relieve some stress. When I started posting on this site that was one piece of advice that helped a whole lot, as well as the sympathy and caring that everyone shows to each other.We are here to help each other through this nightmare of a journey, so please come back often. We want to hear from you. Lainey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 I had to go back to work within two weeks of George's passing, it was way too soon but I needed my job. I don't know how I functioned! I remember crying... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostmyHoney Posted January 20, 2011 Report Share Posted January 20, 2011 My hony left on sept 2nd and I had to go back to work on the 7th... Rachel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 OMG Rachel, I don't know how you did it! It's amazing what we do when we have to, but I sure don't see how. I did have to come in and do payroll about five days after he died but it was hard. I just did it and got out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostmyHoney Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 I think being numb helped but the hard part was greating customers with a smile "Hi how ya doin today?" when all I really wanted to do was scream or kick something even someone, just didnt know who I wanted to kick though. Good thing too cuz I probly would have done it. Rachel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 22, 2011 Report Share Posted January 22, 2011 Rachel, It just goes to show, when we meet someone, we never know what they're going through...it kind of makes you just want to be extra nice to everyone you meet...what if they lost their best friend or their dog died or they discovered they have cancer? Our world could use a little more kindness... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deb625 Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 I lost my husband almost 2.5 weeks ago after 9 month long battle with cancer. He was in his early forties. We have been married for only 3.5 years (together for almost 6 years). I am in my late thirties. We have been trying to get pregnant before he got sick. I am devastated. I lost my best friend and the love of my life. I miss him terribly. I can't see anything beyond the next few hours. Early mornings and evenings are hard. I am having problems concentrating and getting things picked up around the house. I have not been at work for the past 8 weeks. I am praying that it will get easier. I just have not been able to digest that I am now a widow. Hi Tina, my father said when I lost my Michael that it is like losing a limb,you have lost a part of yourself. My Michael died at the tender age of 45, and here I am at the age of 44 a "widow". It doesn't sound right as it is not right. We're meant to have a happily ever after and no one prepares us for this tragedy. Not to discount those who have loved for many years, but I do feel it is a little harder when we are young simply as there is no "network" of others who have experienced our loss. At my age, I still have my parents (thankfully), not one of my peers has lost their spouse - I'm the first to go through this tremendous pain. My friends and family are supportive and empathetic, but they can't relate as they haven't had to go through this (gratefully). My Michael passed away May 16th, it has now been 8 months. I was in a fog for at least 3 months, I can't even tell you what happened during that time, all I know is seasons passed and here I am - trying to live a life I didn't choose, but continuing to place one foot in front of the other everyday. Some days it is easier than others. 8 months in I have learned to let myself grieve, not to challenge what I'm feeling as I find it's not of much use. I just try to continue to take baby steps, just keeping one foot in front of the other and continuing to believe tomorrow will be a better day... For now, just try to breathe, eat, drink plenty of water and sleep when you can... Please, be gentle with yourself. Take care, Deb Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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