Only Going Through The Motions

[ustwo]

I tried this week to start doing something, anything with what's called "life" that I have left. It isn't life...it's barely existance. It's nothing without Gene. I tried to do things he loved but couldn't do for the last 2 years of his life. All I found was nothing...emptiness. I even spent one day cooking this big meal I knew he would have enjoyed so much only to find I could not swallow. Nothing has meaning. I guess I had a couple of what someone might call good days....days I did not cry most of the day. But they were days that were filled with emptiness...being numb....like walking around in a fog totally lost. The pain is always there. All there is to look forward to is passing the day, months, years...whatever is ahead until I can be with Gene again. He is all my life.......everything......my only reason for breathing. I bring up his pictures on the pc and blow them up. I try and touch him. I tell myself that so little seperates us now....just a little veil. All I can do is look deep into those beautiful green eyes and see them sparkle. I can't hear his voice. I keep telling myself that God needed him more than I needed him.

God watch out for all of us left behind. None of us can do this alone! The pain is so hard to bare. Why am I still here without Gene?

[WaltC]

....  Nothing has meaning.  ....  The pain is always there.  All there is to look forward to is passing the day, months, years...whatever is ahead until I can be with Gene again.  He is all my life.......everything......my only reason for breathing.  .... I keep telling myself that God needed him more than I needed him.  .....

Good Morning Evelyn

Oh How I share your thoughts! It's yet another sunny day here, but I much prefer the clouds and rain to match my feelings.

Here's something to bring you some comfort, I hope:

From Gene

Hang in there - somehow we will get through this together.

We both know that we would not want our partners to be suffering like we are.

Kindest Regards,

Walt

[ustwo]

Thank you Walt.

The only light you and I look to is the light that Jean and Gene shine on us both. Jean and Gene still are our reason for being. And I know the light they give is bright, blinding, beautiful....two wonderful souls watching out for us....waiting of us.

May Jean's light comfort you. I know she is a wonderful partner...the most beautiful part of your life.....she is your wife...your love forever. Gene is Always! Always my love!

A friend wishes you less pain...comforting memories, and the joy of knowing that LOVE is forever...eternal.

[kayc]

How I can relate to what you share! It brings me comfort. I made a collage out of all of the pictures I could find to have at George's memorial service. I keep it in our bedroom. I don't care if our bedroom looks like a shrine to him, so what if it is? It's how I want it. Every night I kiss him on the forehead of one of the larger pictures. It brings me comfort. I miss him so much. I have been writing him letters every day, I keep it in an ongoing file on the PC. I tell him about my day and my feelings. It helps. Today I met a woman at the store who'd recently lost her husband of 46 years and she acted as if my loss was nothing because we were only married 3 years and 8 months. I told her I wished I'd had 46 years with George. You know, it really isn't about how long we were married or not, or how old or how young, when you love someone this much, it hurts. When they are this integral a part of your life, the loss is there like a gaping hole. I never knew anything could hurt so bad or be felt so deep. I look at our wedding pictures and I think back to that happiest day of my life. And really, it only got better. So how can it not hurt? I'm starting to not feel as angry at God...I know, that sounds sacrilegious...I've always implicitly trusted Him...until this...this shook up my world and my very existence. I think I'm making my peace with Him now, even though I still don't understand...why He would take my beloved when I still need and want him, and He has so many and I just had this one...yet I know deep down inside, He has His reasons, and maybe it was to spare George something, maybe it was just to give him, at last, his rest and peace. Life is hard here. And for his being spared all this, I am so very thankful. I would not want him to go through this, not even a tiny bit of it. This is very hard. Thank you all for listening. Share with me, you have all been so quiet lately.

[spela]

I don't even know what to write. I'm wondering if what I'm feeling is normal grief or is it depression? I don't like myself much right now. I feel like no one really cares about me - but at the same time I'm the one who doesn't answer the phone or who is sometimes mean to people who ask stupid questions and I think that it is normal that they don't want to be around me.

I spent my weekend doing nothing (except taking my dog out) - I was at home, watching TV without interest and eating sweets which made me feel even worse. Sometimes I think how it would be if I died - not that I want to but I wouldn't really mind. I cried a lot in the last months - well these days I don't really care about anything. Sorry, I'm not able to write any uplifting words right now ...

[ustwo]

Oh Spela, sounds like my weekend. I wish today a better day for both of us....for all of us. I have no choice today but to contact the outside world...car problems. The tears will never stop. The heartache is always there. I don't work. I used to work. Gene needed me...needed to take care of him for the past 2 yrs. We moved to a "retirement" area he wanted to and then the day the movers arrived I had him in the emergency room. Managed to get him retired at 59....and we never had a chance. This so-called life just isn't fair. So no friends around, not close to where our children are, not closer than 3 hrs from any family....just me and a little dog I got for Gene last Valentine's Day to try and lift his spirits. I need a prescription filled last week. Went through the phone book....all I could see is that we were in contact with most of the doctors in the area looking for answers. I can't bring myself to go to a doctor's office....anywhere close to the two hospitals in town. It hurts too much...brings back anger and emotions I don't need right now. I still have days that all I can do is pace and sleep. There is a managable day every once and a while. I have to trust through this site....through others....that there will be more managable days. I don't see happy days ever again. I have to believe there is a reason I am still here, that we are here. Gene never wanted me to be unhappy ever.

A better tomorrow for all of us.

kind regards

Always Gene!

Always!

[kayc]

Spela,

I think depression IS normal for grieving! How can we NOT be depressed? It takes great effort and none of us feel like it. So we have to put one foot in front of the other and do what we don't feel like doing, like going on faith, faith that it will get better even though we can't see that it possibly can. If for no other reason than that we will get to go be with them some day. And even I have questioned my faith like I never have before...

Ustwo,

Keep taking care of yourself, I CARE ABOUT YOU! You have all been immeasurable help to me these past few weeks that seem like a lifetime.

Find a doctor's office...you need someone with you for a while until you can meet a neighbor or two...is there any family member that could come stay with you for a while? It's summer, is there a teenage grandchild or niece or nephew? Even just someone around to help bring diversion would help. My daughter is coming here later this week, I really look forward to it, it's hard to walk by myself, it's hard to do anything by myself.

Please take care of yourselves, we need each other!

God be with you today,

[WaltC]

..why He would take my beloved when I still need and want him, and He has so many and I just had this one...yet I know deep down inside, He has His reasons, and maybe it was to spare George something, maybe it was just to give him, at last, his rest and peace.  Life is hard here.  And for his being spared all this, I am so very thankful.  I would not want him to go through this, not even a tiny bit of it.

Good Day to all the wonderful ladies here

I am at a loss for words today but reading kayc's post cause me to think about something significant to me.

As much as we all would want our spouses back, we would not want them to be suffering like we are. The one small relief that I do have is the knowledge that Jean's suffering is finally over. She had a LOT of pain in her last few months of life and it was hard to watch her suffer and not be able to help.

As much as I miss her presence dearly I would not want her to suffer so much pain again.

Sorry - I cannot offer any positive thoughts today.

Other than I do care for you folk and get comfort from reading your posts.

[ustwo]

You are right WaltC. None of us would wish this pain on anyone. I know Gene and Jean , all our loves want for nothing....no pain....no unhappiness....surrounded by joy and love. The only thing I am sure of is the day will come when WE are no longer in pain and can be with our loves again. Today was one really bad day. WaltC, I guess I just needed to be reminded.....they are not in pain. Today all I could see were the tears Gene shed that last day when pain did come. Your reminder WaltC stopped my tears for today...thank you. This miracle of love you and Jean share goes on...Gene and I go.........into eternity........no more pain. Time is a barrier only for us left behind. Jean is watching...she'll be there to wrap her arms around you.

Thank you WaltC.

Always Gene!

Always!