ksbeachbum Posted August 29, 2011 Report Share Posted August 29, 2011 Mary: What a beautiful poem and it speaks to all of us. I can so relate to the coffee. He loved getting up first to have the coffee ready for me and I so miss that. I miss the mornings with him, our time to conquer the world. The tears are flowing as I read it for the third time. Blessings Becky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 Thank you, Becky. I understand the tears. It still makes me cry. I write these a lot...they help me. It appears we were both spoiled...coffee ready.....so blessed. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 My husband, Thyge, was also an early riser. On weekends he'd come upstairs with a cup of coffee for me to wake me up. I would smell the aroma of bread or rolls baking in the oven. I feel so alone. I wonder how long I'll feel like this. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 Hi Melina, We had such great husbands. We were blessed. Waking up to coffee and rolls....such kind men. As for the loneliness, I suspect it will always be there...easier but there...I can't imagine not feeling lonely for Bill. But it does get a bit easier. I do believe, based on the last 17 months, that it very slowly becomes a new normal...the loneliness and his absence. His absence feels more familiar, more expected. NOT less painful but more familiar. I don't expect him to come in the door as I once did. I weep typing this. I don't expect to see him when I get home as I once did. I still feel profoundly sad when I come home. I had company this weekend and could hardly wait until they left but even then I wept at the empty house. It all feels sad and it does not make me miss him any less...at all. But I know now when I pull into the garage that he won't be there...that is what I mean by familiar. I live alone. I KNOW that now. As sad as I feel about it. I don't know how to say it. It is now 17 months and alone is now a way of life....sad and alone. I try to fill the days with meaningful stuff like watercolor, friends who are kind,....and the routine stuff that must be done...paying bills, etc. But I hurt. That feels normal now too. Most days it is a bit easier. Today it is not. I admire you driving those mountains. We lived in Ouray, CO at 8,500 feet for 4 years and to get to one town, it was up to 11,000 on a ledge road with hairpin curves and no guard rails....I remember driving it the first time. Good for you for making the drive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrissie Posted August 30, 2011 Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 Mary, Your poem is so beautiful and I can relate to it completely. Tim was getting so weak and his breathing was not good so he spent day & night in his recliner, I also slept in my chair just to be close to him. Now that chair sits empty and it breaks my heart. We had so many wonderful moments just sitting there together. I will miss him forever. Chris Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2011 Oh, Chris, I so understand. I also sat next to Bill so often and sometimes, before he got really bad, cuddled with him on the sofa and in bed. I know I will miss Bill forever as you will miss Tim. Bill did sleep in bed each night but I slept in HIS chair a lot as he was up and down so much that I rarely slept well. He suffered so. As much as i am relieved for him that he is no longer suffering....I am profoundly sad that he ever had to deal with Alzheimer's in the first place. Somehow we will get through these trying days...sometimes I am not sure how and am certain you feel that way also. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Dear Mary, This was the first I had read your beautifully poem. It hits home to all of us. Except I was the early one always 4:00 am giving Pauline's medications to her, bathroom and back to bed. I would never go back to sleep. I always had her coffee ready and most the time, until the last couple months, always her breakfast ready to go when she woke up. I always slept right by her holding her gentle in my arms. It is the little things like that I miss so much. Marty, thank you for posting it again. Maybe, that is why my health has not been good after Pauline passed. I took care of her for so many years, and did not realize the toll it took on me. I still would not have changed a thing. After all we were best friends, soul mates, and had TRUE LOVE for each other. God Bless you Mary Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted September 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Hi Dwayne, It sounds like you are very slowly getting better. It has been such a long haul for you. I do believe that in our post-care giving days we are very vulnerable to just about anything. I took care of Bill for several years and I know that I was more tired than I realized. After he died I got sick often, fell and broke two fingers and tore my shoulder muscles, got pneumonia just this past July. I know my immune system is compromised to this day, 17 months later, as I tire easily. Someone told me it takes twice as long to come back as the time you spent caregiving. If that is true, I have and you have a long healing road but it keeps getting better. Our bodies rebuild themselves if we take care of them which you are doing. I hope you get stronger each day. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Dear ones, I agree with you completely ~ the caregiving role extracts a heavy toll. I read this article last night and thought of you immediately: The Impact of Illness on Loved Ones: Vicarious Trauma Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted September 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Marty, All I had to do was to see the title of that piece, i.e. the link, and the tears fell. It is so clear to me that taking care of Bill was traumatic as I watched him lose parts of his beautiful self on a daily basis and yet, remain tender and kind. The piece describes me so well. I was raised in a home where taking care of family was too important...by that I mean....killing yourself to take care of our parents felt like an expected role...not from my parents but from the eldest sib. Long story. Anyway, when Bill got sick I brought that tape with me and I know I felt over responsible and did not even get help until 5 months before he died and then it was minimal. Superwoman donned her cape for many years....and of course, denial worked well when considering the loss of Bill. Thank you for this piece....it is reassuring to me to read things like this....it helps me to accept so much of what happened. To understand that trauma applies to me...just helps. In view of that, I know I am handling the aftermath well and working hard to heal. Dwayne, this piece is very good and I can only imagine that it applies to you as well as to me. You were a care giver for a long time....doing the things Bill once did for me....the tender things...the kind things. I just know you are exhausted. Long road back.... Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 It IS a long road back, and it's essential that you take time along the way to rest, to nourish, to refresh and take good care of yourselves. I have a little plaque on my desk that says, "Just breathe." It helps to get that reminder from time to time . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted September 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2011 Dear Marty, I agree...it helps to remember to breathe; to take care of ourselves; to be gentle with ourselves. I find that grieving the loss of Bill; dealing with the fallout from years of care giving trauma and denial; dealing with everyday life and all that is involved in that now; figuring out the future; finding meaning; dealing with my family (a long painful story); AND being gentle with myself, all create a huge, exhausting challenge....Mt. Everest most days (it used to be every day-progress!). I know I am not alone on this path...many people here and everywhere walk it every day. You have walked it and do again. I used to joke with Bill that on my gravestone would be engraved: "Nothing is simple" because in life...very little is simple...and yet it all is. When I had OUR gravestone created last year...I chose instead "Together forever." which felt quite a bit better. But in reality...nothing IS simple...and yet it all is. It is like being in an avalanche....too much snow coming down the mountain...difficult to deal with all of it all at the same time....juggling lots of balls..dropping some on and off. I KNOW you understand. I also know everyone on this board struggles with the same feelings in various scenarios. How grateful we are for this place. I have had a sign on my desk for years that says: "You always have time to stop and take a breath". I need to read it more often Thank you for being there for all of us. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted September 3, 2011 Report Share Posted September 3, 2011 Dear Mary, and Marty, Marty, I read the article and could see how it is directly related to what I went through as a long term caregiver. One does not know at the time what a toll it takes one us, until the has came and went. Know I have the aftermath with my health. I will get through this. God is guiding my path and is getting me through all this in his own why and time. Mary, I know you understand, because we both went through the care giving together. It really does take a toll on your body, mind, and spirit. I was never in denial with the out come. Pauline and I talked a lot about the end and what she wanted. I thought I was made of iron, and could do anything. How wrong I am, God has slowed me down giving time for my body to heal before I start my new journey in life. The fire I have, inside me after seeing Pauline has dimmed down a little, but has not gone out. It will be roaring again soon. Like you and Bill, so is, Pauline and I Forever Together, because that is the way we were. Never one without the other by our side. It is sure struggle to do every day tasks when you feel so sick. I am so glad that Pauline never had to worry about that part of her life. It was hard enough for her to have her own family, who was in denial about the MS. They never believed her until almost the end. I felt so bad for her. But you cannot go back, it is something they have to live with now. Even though the long term care giving has taken a toll on me, it has all been worth it. I would not have change a thing. We loved each other to much to have done anything different. I am sure you feel the same way. God Bless, He will heal us both in His own way and time. Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted September 3, 2011 Report Share Posted September 3, 2011 Thanks Marty for the article, I feel that it applies especially to me also, I am the oldest child, something that carries too much responsibility in my family, of being the family protector (my mom is the oldest and behaves the same), I then went into a profession that involved caring for others, after 20 yrs of this, I knew I was getting tired and probably suffered from PTSD, due to the long hrs as a Nurse and the horrible things I had seen ( how does anyone get out of this life without suffering from some form of PTSD?). And then to lose the only thing that kept me smiling through it all, Mike, the straw that broke this Camels back! During Mikes illness, I found that I wasnt Mikes partner I was Mikes Nurse, my feelings were cut off and I was matter of fact with everyone......as Nurses are....Mike was terminally ill and he would die....and I hoped that the suffering would end quick.....his suffering, mine had only begun. This all rings especially true to me today, as I am completly worn out from a horrible day at work yesterday, after filling in at a Psychiatric Emergency Room.....I saw over 30 pts! I just dont have the stamina that I had a yr ago,use to be I could work full time as a nurse, run the family construction company, take of my needs, take care of family needs and smile.....use to be.... I know that I will cont to deal with feelings of guilt and regret, just hope I never revisit the anger phase for Mike, that was the worst phase for me....I know that my grief journey has taken a new turn care for myself. I must take care of myself.I must continue to set limits for myself of what can be accomplished everyday (I must also cont set limits on others of what their expectations are of me)I guess this could lead to new adventures for me, with Mike supporting me through this process. Mike was always concerned about me giving so much of myself to others. Why am I up so early when I could and do need some sleep? Had my first dream of Mike last night,I got up and wrote it down immediately, as I always forget my dreams, will contemplate the dream and keep you posted, as frankly It didnt make anysense to me, but am sure some meaning is in it! It was so good to see his face!!! On a lighter note, yesterday the weather here finally broke, must have been only 108 instead of 113, and with the a/c on in the house I had to get out my sweat shirt and pants, it is cold here! Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terp8r Posted September 4, 2011 Report Share Posted September 4, 2011 I'm just thinking of us all tonite and worrying about us all. How many of is are crying ourselves to sleep tonight, how many of us are feeling so many emotions, some we can't even put a name to what we're feeling. Some of us are feeling hopeless, helpless and worthless in our grieving lives. I just want him to whisper in my ear as he used to, "You're my darlin." I keep telling to just try really hard to break thru and let me hear him just one time, but I guess it's just too hard. I gave our grandson a bath tonight and sometimes I think I see the mischievous glint in his eyes that Harv had so much of the time. Sorry guys, just a bad night. Love and peace to all, Pam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted September 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 4, 2011 Pam, please never apologize for sharing your pain. I am sorry you had such a bad night last night. I understand, believe me as I am having one today. When we share our pain, we also give others permission or make it easier for them to share and that is what we are all about here...at least in part...sharing with those who get it. Holiday weekends are always tough for me. No matter how much or how little I plan...it is not good. I spent the entire day with a good friend yesterday just doing fun stuff (lunch, shopping, yakking, etc) came home exhausted and then of course, felt lonely for Bill in this empty house. I understand your longing for a voice, a word, a sign....just about anything. But it is the lack of those that makes this journey so lonely. Yes, so many people grieving right now....who knows how many we see in stores, on the streets, in restaurants are grieving. We all "get" to do it at some time in our lives and I have grieved many losses...but nothing like this one. What I thought was a hole inside of me is the Grand Canyon. I hope today brings some relief from your pain. Feel free to email me or keep posting. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 8, 2011 Report Share Posted September 8, 2011 Dear Ones, On the matter of traumatic loss, I wanted to alert you to the following: Free Open to Hope Webinar Thursday, September 8 Join Dr's Gloria and Heidi Horsley and their Guest Liz Creel to discuss issues of traumatic loss and post traumatic growth. Heidi, Gloria and Liz have worked with families impacted by 9/11, and have also suffered traumatic loss in their own lives. This show is about hope and healing. Please feel free to send in questions for discussion prior to the Webinar, opentohope@gmail.com Register Today! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted September 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 8, 2011 Thank you, Marty! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Den's Gail Posted September 8, 2011 Report Share Posted September 8, 2011 Thank you Marty, I signed up to listen in also. I hope I'll be able to hear without a headset, we'll see. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted September 9, 2011 Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 Dear Marty I signed up on the site yesterday morning. On the East Coast the broadcast time was from 4:00 PM until 5:30 PM. I had to go to the DR yesterday at 3:00. All my appointments are in the Swansea clinic. I got there at 10 to 3. As I was checking in, they told me I was suppose, to be at the Fall River site. It is usually printed on the paper for your next appointment, but mine had neither site. So by the time I went to Fall River and got out and home. It was 25 past 5 so I missed the live feed. God Bless Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted September 9, 2011 Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 Dear Marty I signed up on the site yesterday morning. On the East Coast the broadcast time was from 4:00 PM until 5:30 PM. I had to go to the DR yesterday at 3:00. All my appointments are in the Swansea clinic. I got there at 10 to 3. As I was checking in, they told me I was suppose, to be at the Fall River site. It is usually printed on the paper for your next appointment, but mine had neither site. So by the time I went to Fall River and got out and home. It was 25 past 5 so I missed the live feed. God Bless Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 9, 2011 Report Share Posted September 9, 2011 Not to worry, Dwayne ~ the Horsleys said a recording of the program will be available on the Open to Hope website some time this coming weekend ~ I will post the link as soon as I see it there. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 My apologies to all of you, but after an extensive search this morning, I've not been able to locate a link to the Traumatic Loss webinar on the Open to Hope website. As an alternative, however, I strongly encourage you to take twenty minutes to listen to another outstanding Open to Hope radio interview I just heard with Edward Tick, PhD, an expert on military post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The suggestions he offers to those experiencing stress following traumatic loss are innovative, practical and highly effective ~ and they apply not just to veterans returning from combat. You'll find a recording of the interview here: Ed Tick: Healing after Trauma Dr. Tick's own website is here: Soldier's Heart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Thanks Marty a very good article to listen to! I agree any loss we have recieved here......to me is traumatic and as horrible as a violent loss, as they mention and can cause PTSD. Hope I am able to turn my experience into some positive growth at some point, someday...... Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2011 Hi Dave, Sorry I missed your call today...I was actually in an MRI machine when you called....got home and then had my painting group...just got home and am wiped out. It was a difficult day...memories of Bill's MRIs, memories of driving him in October through this back road that I took home...tears off and on. I know you are also having a rough passage...the tsunami came in....try to roll with it until it passes....and pass it will...until the next one. You are in my thoughts. Mary mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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