sunstreet Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 Well, a lot of tears have been shed. A lot of healing has happened. A lot of happiness remembered in writing about my bike and how much it was a part of our(Melissa and me) life. I have someone interested in my bike but I am still in the process of determining if they share the same passion I have for my bike. It may seem odd to some but my bike to me has a soul and I can not let it go to just anyone. I am heading into the city today to the automall and I am going to test drive a Mazda Miata today. I have never driven a convertible before but some have suggested it may offer a similar feel for me. I hear they corner like they are on rails... I will committ to test driving a few different makes before making a choice. I will need to sell my bike first in order to afford a convertible. I do feel a sense of excitement and adventure and it feels good. Melissa, of course will be along sitting in the passenger seat right beside me, instead of where she had to sit on my bike, behind me. Anyhow, it has been very quiet in this forum for some time. I pray that means everyone is coping and moving along in this path. Please know I hold you all in gentle thought and prayer. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 Glad to hear you're doing so well, Carol Ann. Good luck with getting a new car. A convertible sounds great. I've not been doing too well. I think maybe the full realization has been hitting me now at the six month mark. I feel a desperate yearning to speak to Thyge and resolve all the issues around his death. I have so much guilt because I didn't realize he was going to die. I just wish I could go back in time and fix everything, say the right things, not say the wrong things, but I can't. I'm very sad and very lonely (at the risk of sounding like a country-western song) - and also I'm worrying a lot about financial problems. Everything just seems like such a mess right now. But I'm sorry to be such a downer. Here you are moving on and me sitting here whining. You're a real inspiration - keep it going. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrissie Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 Carol Ann, Hope all goes well with the car shopping. I understand how hard it is to give up the bike, Tim & I had a Polaris Ranger and we just loved taking it to the mountains and riding all the backroads and in the winter riding the beautiful deserts of Ariz. It was something he always wanted and he enjoyed it so much, it was such a part of him. Recently I had to sell it, but I made sure it went to someone that would love it just as much as we did. It was hard to see it drive away that day, felt like I was giving away a part of him. I'm ok with it now because I find peace with myself that I was able to make this decision and move on. Post a picture of the new wheels. Chris Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 Carol Ann, How exciting! Let us know about your venture with the car. Wish I was there to take a ride with you, I wouldn't even mind the back seat if it was a Miata! Melina, I too have been going through some financial problems...my job may be ending and this is not a good time to look for another one. I've been going over finances too...ugh. My washing machine sounded like it was on it's last leg so I got a repairman out yesterday and it behaved itself for him...more money down the drain for nothing. It's waiting until this weekend to act up again, I just know it! Melina, you say you didn't know he was going to die...well he didn't know it either. And however you treated him, whatever things you said to him, those were what he was accustomed to and I'm sure he was fine with it. Try not to be so hard on yourself, he knew how you felt about him, after all, you were his wife for some time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrissie Posted February 8, 2011 Report Share Posted February 8, 2011 Melina, Please don't ever feel sorry for writing how you're feeling. That's why we're all here, to help each other!! It has been just over a year for me and I still have the same feeling you've been having, they just don't hit me as often as they used to. Financial problems just add to everything else, I know, I'm still trying to get things in order. I'm trying to retire next year so I can move to Calif. and be close to my family. I have read your posts from the beginning of your journey and I think you have really come a long way. You are always going to have ups and downs, but in time things will become easier. When Tim died I thought my world had ended, but now I can smile instead of cry at memories, and I have hope for the future. Don't get me wrong, I miss him every minute of the day, but I carry him in my heart always and I know I will be with him again. I'm just trying to let you know there is hope, it just takes as much time as you need. Keep coming here for support, we all care. Sending you hugs. Chris Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lainey Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 Carol Ann, It sounds like you are ready to take a leap and start to enjoy yourself again. Melissa would be proud of you. It is too bad that are unable to ride the bike anymore, but the wind will still be blowing in your face if you but a convertible. Good luck and let us know what you choose. Lainey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lainey Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 Melina, Don't be so down on yourself, we've all been there and felt exactly what you are feeling. In fact, some of your responses to our whining probably helped many of us. We are here for each other, good moods or not so good moods! Lainey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steven Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 What's the good word, Carol Ann? I hope it was a positive experience today! ~ Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grace10 Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 Carol Ann, This is really positive news!! I think I understand what you mean about your bike having a soul. I feel that way about some musical instruments, one in particular. New car shopping is fun and exciting too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted February 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 Thanks Everyone, I had a great day! I test drove a 2006, Mazda MX-5. I loved driving it! I took it up a windy mountain highway, the sky was clear blue, at the top of this road, there is a viewpoint that the view is breath-taking! I really loved the feel! I could see a convertible, being a fairly close cousin to my bike. I did feel excitement, alongside a feeling of trepidation and sorrow, but all in all it fed my soul. I do want to check out some other convertibles too. I need to sell the bike before I could even think of buying a convertible.....that will be a sad day...to see that bike be driven away and I am not the driver. However, when one door closes another opens. Melina, I am sorry you are stuggling so...please no need to apologize for how you feel....we are all here for each other...you are not a downer at all...you are in pain...hugs to you Melina. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 Carol Ann, I am so proud of you for your wonderful attitude (when one door closes, another one opens). I hope you get your Miata and it brings you much joy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted February 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 10, 2011 Dear Kay, Thank you very much. Interesting development, today I have felt quite low all day. Still looking to the open door but a feeling of low has certainly come after the high of yesterday.....I guess that is how it goes though....the pain of letting go....the pain of change....it is not a straight line. Anyhow, tomorrow is another day. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 10, 2011 Report Share Posted February 10, 2011 Unfortunately, it IS "how it goes". I think sometimes when we make strides, it exhausts us, hence the low, but the fact is, we're still making strides, even if it feels otherwise. You're right, "tomorrow is another day", thank God for that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted February 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 10, 2011 Thanks Kay, and yes it is how it goes. I think the fact that going to test drive that Miata was truly the first "new thing" in my life without the "physical presence" of Melissa. The fact that it was exhiliarting, exciting, and I did feel a sense of looking to my future is and was still huge movement in this process for me. The low that I felt yesterday, I think was so OK and in reality quite healing. That is just the thing isn't it, healing doesn't really occur until we allow ourself to feel and express the pain. Anyhow, just want to let everyone know that yesterday morning when I woke, I felt like I was at the bottom of the mountain again. By the end of my day and time to think on going to bed I didn't want to because I was feeling good and realizing what a breakthrough the last few days have been for me in so far as my healing. It was a natural 'high" and I didn't want to lose that feeling. I have woken today feeling every bit as good as I did last night. As much as I really don't like myself to feel as much pain as I did yesterday, I know that I must, if I am going to have a productive and fulfilling life again. Wishing everyone continued healing.... Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 10, 2011 Report Share Posted February 10, 2011 Oh Carol Ann, you are making such strides... I'm very glad we have your presence here, you mean a great deal to us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted February 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 10, 2011 Dear Kay, Thank you very much and I hope you all know and take it to heart that you all mean so very much to me and that all of you are part of the wind beneath my wings....and that all of you are such valued members here as well..... Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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