So Hard,i Don't Know How To Get Thru This

[nirac]

It has been nine months this past Sunday since Charlie died. I am finding it soo much harder as days go on.. I don't know why people say it gets easier cause I am not believing that at all....I am so sad, and am finding it harder to go a day without crying. I don't want to think about Charlie,or our life togther because the pain is so unbearable,it physically hurts. But I am also smart enough to know that I can't continue to push it down and down because it will eventually erupt.I am at a loss here, can someone give me some advice?

Thanks

[MartyT]

Dear One,

I'm so sorry that you're struggling so, and I'm wondering if you've considered finding an "in person" support group aimed at younger women whose partners have died? There are more and more young widows on Facebook and blogging online nowadays, and I encourage you to connect with some of them, if you haven't done so already.

See, for example, Widda Blog Roll, courtesy of Crash Course Widow

and these blog entries by Fresh Widow:

Young Widow Support Groups,1: Basics

Young Widow Support Groups, 2: My Top 10 List

Young Widow Support Groups, 3: Finding Peers

and be sure to see these pages on Facebook:

Widowchick

WidowedVillage (WidVille)

[mfh]

I am at ten months and I also find it tougher. I have been seeing a grief counselor even though I am a therapist myself. It has helped a lot because you know by now people move on...forget...think it is better when it is not. At this point, 10 months, the reality of my life is really hitting. I am home with the flu right now and quite alone except for friends coming over with soup etc. But it gives me time to think and feel. I find myself still say..."can this be real?" You are not alone. Often the second year is worse but I do recommend you get support from someone face to face...it makes a difference.

[kayc]

It took me until some time in my third year to process and adjust. I hate to say that because everyone's timetable is different and I don't want to discourage anyone or make them feel like "two more years of THIS?!" The truth is, it does eventually get more tolerable but we do continue to miss them...that part goes on forever. It changes form though, instead of feeling such an intense pain you can't bear, it eventually goes more to a carrying them inside of you like a comfort and encouragement and thoughts of them bring a smile instead of tears. I can't tell you when it'll come to that point because it's different for all of us, but I've heard this echoed from others too so it's not just me. The "how long" depends on the depth and quality of the relationship lost, the survivor's resilience and effort put into grief work, how intertwined the two of you were as far as interdependence vs. your independence and ability to survive on your own (some widows don't drive or know how to balance a checkbook, I can imagine how much harder it'd be for them). If you've spent 50 years together, it's going to be a big adjustment! But on the other hand, George and I were only married 3 years and 8 months, and I felt gypped when he died...it didn't help at all that we HADN'T gotten 50 years together!

I've heard it said from so many people that somewhere around the six month mark is the hardest...and that is a loose time, it could be four months, it could be 8 months, but reality has set in, people go back to their lives and expect us to "move on" and don't understand it just doesn't work like that. But time passes and with it comes healing. It helped me a lot coming on line here, and writing letters to George, and talking about him to friends and family...I was fortunate, they didn't tire of hearing about him, he was special and they all loved him.

I wish I could make it all better for you, but I promise you this, it won't stay like this forever. That is the one thing that old age brings...perspective, you realize the things you've survived thus far in your life and it helps you to know you'll survive even this.

Hugs,

Kay

[sunstreet]

I so hear your pain. I am so sorry. I makes total sense that you find it harder to believe it gets easier with time. In my journey, it got worse before it got better. You say you feel yourself pushing it down and down and good for you to know this would to an eruption. I know for myself, I struggled with that for the longest time too as I just didn't feel safe or capable enough to manage all that pain on my own. In retrospect, I would have found a bereavement/grief counsellor a lot sooner than I did. Once I had a secure safe container with a therapist, I was then able to begin to let out all that I had pushed down.

Blessings and Courge, Carol Ann

[Deb625]

It has been nine months this past Sunday since Charlie died. I am finding it soo much harder as days go on.. I don't know why people say it gets easier cause I am not believing that at all....I am so sad, and am finding it harder to go a day without crying. I don't want to think about Charlie,or our life togther because the pain is so unbearable,it physically hurts. But I am also smart enough to know that I can't continue to push it down and down because it will eventually erupt.I am at a loss here, can someone give me some advice?

Thanks

Hi Nirac, take whatever time you need, be gentle with yourself. We will get through this. At the beginning we are all in a fog and as the fog slowly lifts we begin to learn to live in the new changed world we have - not of our choice. What I've learned is there is no time limits, no schedule... I recognize I am better than I was, but I also recognize it will be a lot of baby steps before I truly reconcile my new world - and Michael is a part of my world every minute of every day... I know it will get easier as life does simply go on and I know my Michael won't want me to be sad forever... Take care, Deb

[kayc]

I think I tried to "push back my grief" by remarrying (and we all know what a disaster that turned out to be!) but it didn't circumvent anything, I STILL had to go through it. In a way it was fortunate that my marriage turned out not to be one and he never lived with me, it gave me the time I needed to do my grieving and processing without having to feel guilty to the new partner...I think all that would have done is complicate things. So I'm glad no one is looking to my example...maybe of what NOT to do! It really did get better for me at about three years, I know it's different for everyone, some it takes longer, some less.

[mgoodri]

You put into words exactly the same way I am feeling. I lost my husband suddenly on 11/17. He was 57 years old and a wonderful human being. I just pray every night for the strength to get through the next day. I just wanted you to know I know exactly what you are feeling and how much pain you're in. I understand, and people who have not experienced such a great loss can't even imagine what it's like. Take care.

[Lainey]

I sometimes wonder if we have a preconceived idea that there is a certain time frame for us to greive. I think society has made it feel like it is unacceptable to still be greiving after a certain length of time. Lars has been gone for fourteen months now, and most of the time I am coping. I ran into an old friend(or so I thought) and she was shocked that I still missed him. My thought was if you don't want to know my true feelings, don't ask how I'm doing".For someone that has known me for over forty years and knew Lars and the happiness we shared, it felt like a slap in the face.

So what if it takes you longer than the next person to get to a point where you can smile and laugh again? We all heal at our own time , many have other burdens on top of the grief to work out. So be gentle with yourself, time does make it livable.

I believe that most of us have benefitted from being on this site, and am so thankful that there are a few "oldtimers" that still post. They are the ones that have been through this journey longest and I think give us the wisest advice.

Lainey

[mfh]

Lainey

I bet all of us have been through that. I have and I am 11 months out from Bill's death. I will never understand it except those folks are fearful and out of touch with love and relationships...maybe never had one. It is hard when they are family or old friends, especially. But everything I read, and I read a lot, reports that it is unique to each of us, that we will always miss the person we lost...always and it takes time to smile again and that is unique. YOU are right....don't let their fears and unconsciousness deter you from doing your journey. I refuse to succumb and have actually had some people tell me i have set an example for them. I have also had the opposite. Stay on your path. MFH

[Deb625]

Hi Lainey, I spoke to a friend I hadn't seen since the funeral in May and when I said, I haven't had a day without tears yet, she was surprised. This is someone who has lost 2 sisters very tragically (one to murder and one to suicide) and she says, she only ever cried "occassionally"... It's hard for people to understand that we miss our spouses "everyday" presence and we miss the future and all the plans that we will never have... For us it is more all encompassing as the loss affects every aspect of our lives. We will get through in time... Take care, Deb

[debbylh]

My husband passed away in Oct. I do plenty of crying too. Sometimes a tv program will make me cry. I chat with family on Facebook, which helps some. Keeping busy helps too. I'm busy getting my house ready to sell. Nights are terrible for me. I don't always sleep well. I get daily grief devotions wich help too. The web site is:www.griefshare.org It will eventually get better for us. Hang in there. Take care.