3 Weeks Tomorrow...

[trying2Cope]

3 weeks. 21 days. That's how long I have been without my Dad. I think...22 days ago, my Dad was just living life, there was nothing wrong, and then my world came crashing down. I don't really know how to answer people's questions about how I am doing. I usually answer "Ok." Mostly because I don't feel like talking a whole lot. I don't really think I'm ok, but honestly I don't really know what is going on in my brain half the time. I think so much about everything, about things my Dad and I did together, and how we laughed so much together. I don't tear up quite as quickly (however I am crying now) and sometimes I feel like maybe I'm on the road to feeling better? I feel guilty then because its almost like I'm forgetting about him. Ugh, Its almost like I feel that if I start to feel better, his presence is going to be that much more absent. Am I making sense? Today for the first time since his death I was able to tell a coworker a story about him, and we both laughed together. It felt really good actually. I always told this coworker of mine how he reminded me of my Dad. I miss him the most at night, when I sit here and think. Has anyone on here ever felt a loved one's presence, or seen any type of sign? I am constantly looking....I know he is with me but is it bad/crazy of me to want to SEE something? I need to try and get some sleep now. God Bless You all.

[eren]

I don't think it's crazy to want to see a sign. I lost my mom 7 weeks ago and I keep looking for a sign too. I need to know that she's okay.

[niamh]

you are making perfect sense trying2cope. It's so hard thinking 22 days ago all was right with the world, HOW on earth can everything just get so shattered in a split second.

I do remember a friend telling me once to not tell anyone I was feeling fine or ok until I am because. Of course it depends on the people who ask but for those that know me well I just say "struggling on", if they want to know more and I don't feel like talking I just tell them am not up for talking and they understand.

Your brain is definitely getting a complete battering right now and rightly so. I'm glad it felt good to be able to tell a story about him. That is something I still struggle very much with, I can write about specific things so I do write a lot but when it comes to telling them out loud I can't do it, I just choke up and have to stop. My Mom & I don't yet talk and reminisce about him......she will mention things every so often about me being so like him, or certain thing he loved etc but we can't yet seem to just look back remembering things.

I haven't felt his presense yet, I LONG for it so so much, people have told me he will come when he knows I'm ready not when I think I am. I definitely believe in those things, I know people close to me who've experienced things like that, now that's the club I want to be a part of. What I have definitely had though are songs a handful of times. Specific songs with pretty meaningful words have come on a few times at very specific moments.

The night before his first anniversary I was very agitated (had been all week), I went for a massage & reflexology session to just TRY to get myself somewhat relaxed. On the way home that night I had my iPOD on random play in the car, on came Celine Dion's "That's the way it is"........ (link shows lyrics of this song too) it's a song I've heard a 1000 times, never took notice, never was one of my favs or anything, this night it was like hearing the words for the first time, it was very odd and they really struck a chord with me. So the day of the anniversary my iPOD stayed on random play in my car and I can tell you that song came on either 4 or 5 times ..........I lost count because I was hearing it so so much....I definitely think my Dad was sending it to me.I have never ever had the same song come on that many times in one day when it's on random. A song is never enough for me though, I want him rather than a sign.

Anyways, that night I stood in the bathroom at home looking in the mirror just pondering about it all. The lights had been flicking on and off since it happened but at the same time within a few days of losing him someone distrubed electric wires in the attic that blew lights, so everytime these lights flick in the bathroom I'm torn between is it Dad or is it just because the wires were disturbed. As I stood in the mirror I just said "Dad if you are really here flick the lights now" ......I stood waiting and nothing happened. I felt angry, mad, confused and outloud I simply said "it's really all just coincidence isn't it" and I truly meant those words from the bottom of my heart, that's all everything was, my Dad wasn't next or near me, if he was anywhere anymore. With that I can tell the lights flicked .........I felt comforted for just a second or two, it made me laugh right there feeling like my Dad was saying "hey, NO IT'S NO COINCIDENCE". Nothing has happened since, I try to ask him to flick the lights sometimes (I feel like a nutter saying this!!!) but it just never happens when I want it to. And maybe that's exactly it, when I'm not expecting it, maybe it will happen more, I don't know.

There is a book called "Hello from Heaven" which is just a lot of accounts of people who receive what's called after life communication, I have it and started reading it but just found it too hard not being one of those people myself. Many of the sections are more than signs, they talk about dream visits, seeing someone "in person" like a vision, feeling someone's presence.

I just hope that someday I can say for sure, yep yeah my Dad comes around to visit, I feel him around me, feel his love and security and I'll never stop waiting for it. I feel like it might give me some comfort knowing for sure, yeah Dad's still around and as I read somewhere recently for now I am just on vacation from him but he's just waiting for me.

sending a comfort hug to you today,

Niamh

[BellaRosa]

trying2Cope, I could have written this myself. When people ask me how I'm doing (which is rare these days), I find myself saying OK even though I'm really not. I don't know what else to say, because I know they don't want all the gritty details.

If I get through the day without crying, I feel guilty. If it's been more than a couple of days, I start to wonder what's wrong with me and why I'm not crying uncontrollably. I question if it means I don't love my mother as much as I thought I did, or if I'm a bad daughter.

I beg both my mother and God to give me a sign that she's OK. I've had a few responses, but nothing clear-cut enough for me. One of my mom's friends claims to have had a visit from her, and although that makes me happy to know she's still out there somewhere, it makes me angry and jealous, too. I'm trying to be patient as I am a firm believer in signs and visits and whatnot (I've had several from other family and friends over the years), but I feel like it would really help me to know NOW.

Everything you wrote makes perfect sense to me and I think it is all a normal reaction to what we're dealing with.

[trying2Cope]

I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one out here feeling this way. I guess I just need to be patient. I talk to my Dad frequently. I blow kisses up to heaven every day. I miss him so. I am trying to keep myself from hiding my feelings. I have noticed that my mother and I are closer since this happened. I think that is a very good thing. She is so heartbroken though, and it kills me to see her that way. I was just at her house tonight and as I left I saw tears in her eyes. We are planning a trip to Florida in the coming months, it excites her, takes her mind off of things. I am finding strength in me I never knew I had. In fact, I don't know how I have gotten through these last 3 weeks. I guess I'm an auto pilot...it just gets you through. I want to go to the cemetery soon, by myself, and visit my Dad. Ugh, I hate saying that. HATE IT! Thanks for your responses, and for the recommendation of the book. I will get my sign. I know I will. My Dad will let me know he's ok, I just want him to do it soon. Hugs to Everyone hurting out there.

[BonnieJeanne]

Dear Trying2Cope,

i am so sorry for the loss of your precious father.

I also want so much to hear from my Dad. He died October 11th, 2010 and I count the days as you do. It has been 4 months and I am a bit better but can't think or speak about him without crying. Even though he was very loved, no one in my family was as close to him as I was. He had Alzheimer's and was losing his sense of who people were. But he always knew me. He would say-"You are my number 1!" We walked together every Monday and then had lunch, until he went into the hospital for the last time with pneumonia. I stayed with him all night the day before he died and he was puckering up for kisses the whole day just before he died. The sweetest man who ever lived and I miss him so much. I wish as you do to speak to him or tell him things that have happened just one more time. I have not felt his presence, but every time i woke up in the nights after his death I heard the song Unforgettable, by Natalie Cole singing with her dad Nat King Cole. He was my Dads favorite singer and that song was the last song we danced to at my niece's wedding in June. I hope you will hear from your Dad, I think he is with you always whether he gives you a concrete sign or not.

[Anne3]

Trying2Cope, I could also have written those words. It is 22 days since I lost my Mom, my world. I still think some days are on auto-pilot as it hurts so much to think of my life without her. I keep hearing that my memories will bring me smiles, but right now they make me miss her more. I just wanted you to know that I too know how hard it is and feel your pain.